The Kind of Person I Want to Be.

 It was a hard summer. But now, I'm thinking about who (whom?) I want to be as I enter a new season. I started a list in my journal. Some of the items on the list I already do/am. Some of them are starflung. 

I want to be the kind of person who...

• Sparkles

• Finishes a book every day or two

• Always takes her meds

• Reads books in all forms

• Reads poetry every day

• Reads a short story each day

• Reads Best American Poetry each year

• Reads Best American Short Stories each year

• Reads Best American Essays each year

• Reads Best American Food Writing each year

• Reads Best American Travel Writing each year

• Goes on artist’s dates

• Writes poems

• Writes short stories

• Writes magical realism

• Reads all of FLB’s books

• Reads Anne Lamott books

• Reads SARK books

• Keeps an inspiring blog

• Reads creative magazines

• Cuts up magazines for art

• Keeps an art journal

• Doesn’t keep too many read books

• Always has plenty to read

• Pays down credit cards

• Keeps a journal

• Wears unique jewelry

• Has cute pajamas

• Takes baths regularly

• Likes receiving gifts

• Has a simple faith

• Daydreams

• Saves money

• Drinks a lot of water

• Uses her desk

• Uses her project table

• Spends time in the study

• Can nap

• Loves season changes

• Likes to be naked

• Reads multiple books at once

• Uses rubber stamps

• Plays with stickers

• Plays with makeup

• Color coordinates

• Listens to an audio book each day

• Sticks to a budget

• Plans expenses

• Is ready for occasional bills

• Always has money in checking

• Keeps a daily to-do list

• Checks most items off her list

• Keeps wish lists

• Collects dolls

• Collects journals

• Buys books regularly within budget

• Finds great deals

• Writes with fountain pens

• Cleans her pens

• Showers each morning

• Seeks touch from her husband

• Writes with gel pens

• Doesn’t have crushes

• Is faithful

• Loves movies

• Uses glitter

• Decorates in pink, gray, and white

• Has white wood furniture

• Makes time for snuggling

• Loves Dr. Pepper

• Loves Cherry Coke

• Loves sunshine

• Reads aloud

• Eats a mostly kidney-friendly diet

• Publishes poetry

• Isn’t too concerned with publication

• Wins writing awards

• Send a submission every day

• Reads Julia Cameron books

• Reads new poetry

• Reads fairy tales

• Collects illustrated fairy tales

• Spends time in bookstores

• Visits many bookstores

• Cleans out house regularly

• Organizes regularly

• Does yoga

• Goes to the library

• Listens to Broadway showtunes

• Goes to CFRT

• Tidies daily to help her husband feel at ease

• Prays/Meditates

• Keeps an empty work inbox

• Keeps up with grading

• Feels pretty

• Practices writing

• Loves stars

• Reads challenging books

• Reads indulgent books

• Reads with Josh

• Reads with Bruce

• Doesn’t overindulge in sweets (except soda)

• Has multiple people to talk to in hard times

• Is empathic

• Has sex three times a week

• Collects paper dolls

• Uses Libby

• Uses the library

• Finishes library books on time

• Reads in the bath

• Sends funny memes to Josh and Bruce

• Gets haircuts regularly (8 weeks)

• Uses up paper

• Keeps a notebook

• Is always studying something

• Makes and reaches goals

• Doesn’t have to spend money to enjoy life

• Goes on Saturday walks

• Goes to 10 shows a year

• Watches one movie a week

• Weighs x-x pounds

• Fits in pants size x or x

• Wears size x

• Keeps up with personal E-mail

• Inspires students

• Manages money well

• Absorbs art daily

• Reads coffee table books

• Eats three meals a day

• Tells her husband everything

• Lives passionately

• Uses page flags

• Records quotations

• Dresses with unique professionalism

• Goes to OT every other week

• Keeps good habits

• Takes classes

• Takes trips with Josh twice a year

• Has a great library

• Has a great Kindle library

• Has a great Audible library

• Rereads favorite books

• Drinks Shirley Temples

• Makes a beautiful home

• Is kind

• Inspires others

• Keeps up with training

• Is active at or around home

• Keeps house stocked

• Can handle school drop-off/pick-up

• Reads published diaries

• Always makes O’s lunch

• Keeps a marriage diary

• Reads worthwhile blogs

• Keeps up with Starry’s fountain

• Takes day trips to Raleigh

• Talks to Mom weekly

• Gives teachers gifts

• Gives teachers supplies

• Kisses Josh more than once every day

• Always has a great purse

• Finishes a journal every 3-4 weeks

• Holds hands in public

• Wears great shoes

• Decorates journals

• Uses all kinds of inks

• Learns every day

• Goes on annual writing retreats

• Supports Josh’s running

• Supports Josh’s reading

• Travels each decade

• Dances

• Is patient

• Is brilliant and insightful

• Pays attention to Oliver

• Reads Alexandra Stoddard books

• Drinks iced coffee

• Drinks grape slushes

• Throws away tissues

• Knows all about fairies

• Knows all about mermaids

• Tells interesting stories

• Manages grocery money

• Writes sexy letters to Josh

• Keeps up with flea treatments

• Always has what Oliver needs

• Goes to museums

• Sees parents monthly

• Writes letters or postcards

• Gives family Christmas gifts

• Has enough bookcases

• Has nice bookcases

• Keeps good records

• Reads 100 books a year

• Is rarely tense

• Delights others

• Brushes Oliver’s teeth well

• Catches up on laundry daily

• Catches up on dishes daily

• Reads every book she owns

• Keeps inventory

• Makes collages

• Accomplishes a lot each day

• Uses what she has/buys

• Finds cool books constantly

• Gets enough sleep

• Tries new foods

• Asks for help

• Asks for comfort

• Believes in soulmates

• Likes her husband

• Follows through

• Cooks for Josh twice a week

• Doesn’t have to try too hard to be thin

• Reads about French people

• Reads Ann Patchett books

• Reads Marisa de los Santos books

• Reads Madeleine L’Engle books

• Spends little time scrolling

• Mixes Gatorade

• Is stuffed with poetry and stories

• Sleeps in sometimes

• Has monthly weekends alone with Josh

• Reads magical realism

• Shops the poetry section

• Loves to read

• Is in a writer’s group

• Turns off lights and fans

• Reads for hours each day

• Monitors herself

• Isn’t often lonely

• Talks to Bruce every day

• Likes sex

• Gets great performance reviews

• Eats enough

• Doesn’t eat too much

• Is elegant

• Reads about libraries

• Visits many bookstores

• Sees London

• Sees a West End show

• Receives journals and books as gifts

• Reads Anna-Marie McLemore books

• Reflects often

• Is a practicing poet

• Draws sometimes

• Goes to sleep at 10:30

• Fascinates a few people

• Knows contemporary poetry well

• Memorizes phone numbers, social security numbers, and poems easily

• Sets a positive example

• Eats fruit

• Eats vegetables

• Finishes most books

• Stops reading a book she doesn’t like

• Gives great gifts

• Uses her education

• Listens to books while driving

• Listens to books while doing chores

• Listens to books while staring

• Shares music

• Listens to Josh’s music

• Keeps up with inhalers

• Lives authentically

• Is mentally stable

• Collects stickers

• Reads about her favorite artists

• Likes herself

• Manages her anxiety

• Changes sheets weekly

• Reads children’s lit

• Wear her glasses

• Doesn’t stare too much

• Can tread water for an hour

• Goes to therapy regularly

• Goes to marriage counseling when necessary

• Follows advice of healthcare professionals

• Discovers new music

• Sends comfort kits to the border

• Advocates for people with disabilities

• Checks in with list monthly

• Has a clear conscience

• Has blog readers

• Responds to writing prompts

• Contributes to family finances

• Keeps up with GoodReads

• Keeps up with StoryGraph

• Cleans her pens

• Keeps up with MVP

• Uses writer’s medic bag

• Plays with color

• Reads LGBTQIA+ lit

• Reads YA lit

• Collects gel pens

• Uses all her fountain pens

• Reads 10 Pulitzers a decade

• Encourages others to read

• Reads biographies of writers

• Lives according to her values

• Recycles pens

• Spends time with Starry

• Edits

• Organizes books

• Studies color

• Stays in touch with O’s teachers

• Studies fashion

• Studies interior design

• Reads 10 Newsberrys a decade

• Reads Anais Nin

• Reads memoirs

• Reads Faery Tale Magazine

• Reads home literary magazines

These are my thoughts so far. At the end of fall, I'll see how many actions I take.

Who Am I Now?

Who am I going to be? I still feel a chunk of myself gone since I'm not teaching. That had become a big part of my identity. I miss the sometimes-subtle theatrical aspects of teaching. I try to fill that and use that energy for storytelling with my friends and family.

I push the writing and reading hard to preserve and cultivate those major parts of me. Who would I be with books? I can't imagine surviving. New purpose comes through all the meetings an paperwork I do to get Oliver what he needs. So I'm an advocate for him. I also have to advocate for myself.

The blog also helps me feel I have a purpose. If anyone enjoys or learns from a post, I've done something worthwhile for others. The blog is also fun--it's almost a playground.

I'm a mother and a wife, and usually, these all bit together and complement each other. Even pain gives me something to write. Every experience gives me some thing to write, whether it stays in my journal or I try to publish it.

Woman.

The term woman slides right off me and leaves behind a girl.

I've never really felt like a woman, not even when I got married, not even when I was giving birth. The word sounds like a tribe I don't want to join. Maybe I'm a Wendy, delaying her return from Neverland and her vacating the nursery. But will I change much? I don't feel immature, but maybe I am. If I asked my mother, she would tell me the truth.

I don't feel as if I'm in my 30s. I still marvel at the fact that I have to buy butter and tin foil. I'm amazed that I'm someone's mother. While I've accepted most aspects of being an adult, I still look in the mirror and see a girl.

I know I am often self-absorbed (my 10th grade English teacher kindly called me introspective). I feel the need to examine, prune, and nourish myself. I know I'm different, and I know the work is and will be difficult. Can a girl manage that? I think so.