The Girl Who Lived.

I’ve heard people say that every day is a gift, but I think about it differently now.

I’ve been sick for nine days. And I’m thinking that it’s a privilege even to be sick. To stay in bed for over a week. To have a partner who brings me whatever I need and keeps things moving. To read a poem to him. To shower and put on cozy clothes.

I feel like something major has changed in my perspective, like I’m not quite the person I was this morning. I have had an awakening. Today and all future days will be different.

Why? Because I’ve been thinking about Harry Potter. I missed out on the books growing up; I read them at B’s request in my late twenties. Harry survived an encounter with an evil sorcerer, an encounter that killed his parents, that scarred him literally and figuratively, that no one should have lived through. Everyone called him The Boy Who Lived.

Fourteen years ago today, I survived risky O’s birth, a scary surgery, and a postpartum illness that easily could have killed me. I lived.

Five years ago next week, I put down bottles of pills and a razor. I got out of the bathtub, woke Josh, and went to the hospital. Despite a global pandemic, despite mental illness, despite impossible circumstances, despite despair, I lived.

I am The Girl Who Lived.

These fourteen years mark time I easily could have missed. Fourteen years to love, to see, to create, to read, to write, to advocate, to see so many brilliant shows, to watch movies and listen to music, to meet my best friend, to write my first novella. I feel like I haven’t done enough, but I have done so much with this extra time!

And I didn’t die in that bathtub, in an ambulance, or in an ER five years ago. I’ve won awards. I’ve completed books. I’ve gotten a book accepted for publication. I’ve visited my favorite city. I’ve read hundreds of books. I’ve discovered Pippi Post and Annie Stegg and Art by Isobelle, artists I adore. I’ve gone to bookshops, discovered Quail Ridge Books in Raleigh and Chapter House Books in Fayetteville and Strand in New York. I’ve gone to my first residency! I’ve taught again. I’ve sent out 150 submissions that never would have seen the light of day. I’ve discovered Shuly Cawood’s workshops and written so many poems. I’ve filled shelves of journals. I’ve cooked amazing meals all by myself—and that’s just recently! I’ve connected more personally with a couple of great people. I’ve started getting the Archer & Olive subscription box, which is one of my favorite things. I’ve found so many favorite things, so many great reasons to be alive. I discovered Pan downtown, a favorite restaurant. I’ve gone on dates and had weekend getaways. I’ve read my poetry to strangers. I’ve smelled candles and tasted Cold Stone Creamery milkshakes. I’ve found the most comfortable pants (Lou & Grey). I’ve gotten a cat! I’ve endured heartbreak and come out more authentic and more tender. I’ve found a new level of love.

I’ve celebrated five more Christmases. I’ve reached almost twenty years with J. I’ve started a fun Instagram. I started a website and a Substack. I’ve moved into a dreamy townhouse and decorated it just as I like. I’ve discovered poets. I’ve discovered Catriona Ward. I’ve seen the seen the Wicked movie! I’ve heard my child laugh so many times and watched him thrive at school. I’ve seen O find peace from his anxiety. I’ve seen Six and added a new cast album to my favorites. I’ve bought a pink glitter lamp—something I’ve wanted for over twenty years! I’ve taken classes with my favorite writer! I’ve found Pipsticks and Violette Stickers. I’ve put lights on my porch for the first time, and I’ve spent so many mornings sitting out there.

I’ve turned forty. I have made love. I have recognized my need for self-love. I have surrounded myself with a Glinda-pink bubble of beauty. I have sparkled. I have lived.

And I will live all ninety-seven days that are left in this year. I will engage. I will learn and love. I will let art enrapture me. I will grow closer to J. I will laugh with B until my stomach and my face hurt. I will say funny things, clever things. I will write poems. I will send writing out into the world. I will, to quote Little Women’s Marmee, embrace my liberty and see what wonderful things come of it.

October Poetry Month: Week 4

Day 1: I've finally gotten back to the poetry work! Today's book was White Pine by Mary Oliver. I love the quiet meditation of her poems, and as I said a couple of weeks ago, hers is the only nature poetry I tend to like. I've now read nine of her poetry collecitons, and I have more to read. I wrote a poem for her called "The Owl Queen."

Day 2: Today, I read two poetry books: Green by Melissa Fite Johnson and A Plumber's Guide to Light by Jesse Bertron, a chapbook. I wrote a poem called "No One Ever," responding to a poem in Green. I don't know if I can respond to A Plumber's, but it was good, worth reading again. I'm still not feeling well, but I managed a good three hours of reading in the evening. I'm now a little more caught up. I've now read eighteen books of poetry this month, so I'm still about five books behind--gracious.  I've written only sixteen poems, so I'm behind by seven. Strep really laid me out last week. This challenge may have to spill into November, but I'll get it done. The good news is that I'm currently nine books ahead (90 books) on my annual reading goal! I only have 10 books to go, so I hope to surpass my goal by a good bit. Several weeks are left! I continue to read two or more poems from Fairy Poems, the Everyman's Library Pocket Poet book Josh gave me. I hope to finish it before or soon after the end of the month. I'm almost halfway through. So, 

Day 3: I read Anson County: Poems by Bathanti today. I decided not to spread poets out; I have another by Bathanti and two more by AMP. I'll try to read them all before the end of the month. I wrote an as-yet-untitled poem after Bathanti. I'll let it sit tonight and try to untangle it and name it in the morning. At the moment, I'm four poetry books behind and six poems behind. I found a few more chapbooks, which will help me catch up. I have one week left. 

Day 4: Today, I read two books. Triumph of Achilles is Louise Gluck's fourth book of poetry. I thought Id read a ton of her books, but I have so many more to read! I hadn't realized she won the NOBEL PRIZE. I guess even her tenure as US Poet Laureate and her Pulitzer Prize pale compared to that! I definitely need to read the rest of her books.  The second book was Spinning the Vast Fantastic, a chapbook by Britton Shurley. That one got three stars. I didn't write a poem today...I may not reach the poetry-writing goal this month. Vertigo kept me down a bit today. I don't know what's causing it.

Day 5: I read two more books of poetry today: Those Days When Love Doesn't Work by Nancy Tripp King (I had to add it to StoryGraph) and AMP's Days Like Prose. I thought I'd read so much more of AMP's poetry, but I'm catching up now. Both books got four stars. I'm amazed I accomplished that much because my vertigo was severe, especially in the morning.

Day 6: I spent this morning in the hospital with extreme vertigo, so I did not read or write any poems. I have eight books left to read and only four days to do it!

Day 7: Vertigo was bad again this morning, the worst it's been. Dang. So reading was difficult at best. I went on Libby and searched "Poetry audio." I borrowed Feel Your Way Through, a book of poetry by Kelsea Ballerini. I've never listened to her music. I wouldn't call the book literary poetry, but the rhythm and rhymes were soothing. I bought another audio book for under $3: Be With, poems by Forrest Gander. It's a Pulitzer-Prize winner! So that helps me with my 40 before 40 goal to read ten Pulitzers during this decade of my life. And finally, as my vertigo stayed away in the evening, I visually read Louise Gluck's Meadowlands. I'm now at 98 total books for the year, 16 books ahead on my goal! If I can finish my poetry month reading goal, I'll get there! Since I've been so sick, I may be listening to a lot of poetry over the next few days. Only five books to go! I also wrote a new poem called "Watching True Crime Shows in the ER."

October Poetry Month: Week 3...Largely a Bust.

This week, I didn't read or write much. I spent a lot of time at the hospital, trying to figure out what has me sick. On Friday night, I finally found out that I have strep. I've spent a lot of time in bed this week and haven't felt up to much. I keep wanting to read or write, but I hardly feel able. 

On Sunday, I wrote a poem called "When the Moment Comes," which takes the title and first line from Daniel Halpern's "Nature Lover's Lament" and images from his "Daughter & Chair."

On Tuesday, I did read The Dark between Stars by Atticus. It's not what I'd call literary poetry, but the photos are interesting, and I liked a couple of the itty bitty poems.  On Friday, I finished Bringing the Shovel Down by Ross Gay, my first book by him. I have a couple of his nonfiction books, which I'd like to read soon. One is called Inciting Joy. His poetry was not very joyful, so I'll be interested to see the difference in tone. The book did have some redemption, though. 

So I've read 15 books of poetry and written 14 poems. I have a long way to go! This challenge may dribble into November, but I still plan to go for 31 of each. 

October Poetry Month: Week Two.

Day 1: I finally read The Hurting Kind by Ada Limon. I just love her. I've read all but one (maybe?) of her other books of poetry. I started reading her work (and she became a favorite) before she became US Poet Laureate. I discovered her in Raleigh last year at a tiny bookstore, starting with Sharks in the Rivers. The Hurting Kind is my favorite of her books, five stars! Two five-star poetry books so far this month? Awesome. I'd like to reread all of her books at once, maybe in April. I hope she'll publish many new books in quick succession now that she's so famous. Interestingly enough, she also teaches in Queens MFA program! All these connections. I told Josh that I didn't know if I could respond to Love & F*ck Poems, but he told me to take it as a challenge. So I wrote "Introduction," a poem about my first sexual experiences (spoiler: they weren't positive). It's not nearly as graphic as some of Dimitriadis's poems, but I think I captured some of her desperation. The poem also made me recognize a latent belief that had been fogging up the back of my mind and finally spilled into conscious thought. That's something to work on and perhaps something to explore further in poetry...or at least in my journal. I stayed up quite late reading The Hurting Kind. I read several poems aloud to Josh as he fell asleep, and I finished the book in the bathtub. When I couldn't get to sleep, I wrote another poem, this one called "Jar of Scorpions," after Limon's poem of the same name. 

Day 2: This day was a bust. I was intensely exhausted, partly from staying up too late reading and partly from an emotional onslaught. I think the beginnings of a mood episode or a fight with this respiratory infection going around may be contributed as well. I decided I'd have to be more careful about sleep. So, I didn't read a book of poetry or write a poem on this day, but I'm still going to catch up! Since I wrote two poems the day before, I'm not behind on writing, and I've already responded to the last book I read.

Day 3: My book of the day was Light at the Seam by Joseph Bathanti, another of my former professors. It's largely a book rural mountain environment poems. Bathanti captures place and demographics so well in all his writing that I've read. I'm not sure how I'll respond. But I did write a poem called "When You're Exhausted." This poem came from what I did today, tired as I was, and some advice people gave me through a Facebook post about physical and existential exhaustion. In another connection, Jessie gave me the last line of the poem. 

Day 4: I read Molly Peacock's The Analyst, a sort of love letter to her former psychoanalyst. Could I write a poem to my therapist or psychiatrist? Maybe. To catch up, I also read The Death of a Migrant Worker, a chapbook from Rattle. I don't know if I'll be able to respond to all these books, but I'll try. I didn't write a poem today, so I'm behind on that, but at least I'm caught up on reading. 

Day 5: My book of the day was Daniel Halpern's Something Shining. I didn't love it, and I don't know if I have a response to it, but I marked some lines I liked. I didn't write anything today, so I'm more behind. I hope to catch up this weekend as Oliver will be in Charlotte. 

Day 6: I wrote a poem called "October" based on texts Josh and I exchanged this morning. I read half of This Clumsy Living by Bob Hicok but didn't finish it. It was getting late, and I'm afraid of messing myself up again if I don't get enough sleep. I have new ideas for poems, though.

Day 7: I wrote two poems after Bob Hicok: "Ruth's Reply" and "This Is the Complete Shape of the World, an Inventory, a Map," which takes its title from one of Hicok's lines. I like to write a prompt for a poem in my journal (sometimes a title, sometimes first or last lines) at night and respond to them the next day. I finished Bob Hicok's This Clumsy Living. Hicok taught at Queens; I was in his large workshop once. I'm now only behind by one poem and one book of poetry. I've completed thirteen of each!

October Poetry Month: Week One.

This month, I challenged myself to read 31 books of poetry. I plan on repeating this challenge every April and October. This time, I have some library books and plenty of slim (and not-so-slim) volumes on my unread-poetry shelves. It's not exactly a poetry fast (which I've done before) as I'm reading and listening to other genres to a lesser degree. A side quest has been to write 31 poems as well, most of them in response to the poets, books, or poems I've read. I did pretty well my first week.

Day 1: I read The Woman Who Fell from the Sky by Joy Harjo. I wrote a poem called "Misread," in response to Harjo's poem "Northern Lights." It's mostly about how I misread crows in her poem as cows. Ha! It made for a funny image. I also pondered addiction and privelege in the poem. 

Day 2: I read Kim Addonizio's Lucifer at the Starlight. This was a book that Josh bought me as a gift this month. I plan to read a lot more of her work. Josh bought me another of her books, so I'll probably read that this month too! I wrote a poem called Myth for Addonizio, after her book. 

Day 3: In an unintentional connection (I'd already planned my first few books), I read Subterranean by Jill Bialosky, who happened to be Addonizio's editor! I've seen a few links like that this month. I wrote a poem called "My Heart," after Kim Addonizio's poem of the same title. I sent it to Josh and Bruce as I usually do, and I also sent it to my mom. I also wrote a poem called "Overdue," which wasn't a response to what I'd read...just a poem about all my overdue library books! 

Day 4: This was a busy day, so I went for a chapbook: Shopping after the Apocalypse by Jessie Carty. Jessie and I were in our MFA program together sixteen years ago, and we've stayed in touch. I wrote a poem called "The Rings" after Jill Bialosky's "The Circles, the Rings." Her poem has several stanzas that all begin with the line "I don't think it was snowing," so I wrote my poem with the same pattern. It ended up being about living in Boone, about my meeting Josh, and about our ill-advised romance, which pretty much worked out against all odds. Out of a kind of misplaced loyalty to my family, I think, I haven't written much about that. It's time to put aside all misplaced loyalty!

Day 5: My book of the day was Falling Awake by Alice Oswald, an overdue library book. It wasn't a favorite. I'd never read Oswald. This book was mostly nature poems. I usually don't care much for those apart from Mary Oliver's. I wrote a poem for Jessie, responding to the first poem in her Shopping after the Apocalypse with my "Shopping for the Journey," which was a tribute to some things I deem essential and to my friendship with Jessie. 

Day 6: Since I'd read a book by a fellow Queens University alumna, I decided to read The Ladder by Alan Michael Parker, my thesis advisor. This was another overdue library book (I made a purchase request for it), but I think I'll buy a copy eventually because I gave it five stars! I've read most of AMP's poetry books, and this, competing with Elephants and Butterflies, may be my favorite. I didn't write a poem on this day, but I had one planned.

Day 7: This day, I read Love and F*ck Poems by Koraly Dimitriadis. It popped up in Amazon recommendations when, I think, I was looking for Denise Levertov books. It, along with Dimitriadis's other book Just Give Me the Pills, was on sale for about $5, so I ordered both. The poems were graphic, passionate, disconsolate, and sometimes manic. I knew I'd have a hard time responding to that! I had already written down the title a poem the day before, so I wrote "To the Jewish Sir Ben Kingsley," a poem for Alan, responding to The Ladder. It's true; he looks just like Ben Kingsley, and I laughed out loud when I saw that line in his poem. 

So that's seven books of poetry and seven poems in my first week!

Writing Conference Prompts: Lies and Fears.

What am I pretending not to know? If I were willing to admit it, what would change my life?

• I’m really not sure what I’m pretending not to know. Sometimes, I pretend not to know that Josh and I are addicts (behaviors, not substances), but I think I’ve acknowledged it to the point that I can start healing and we can continue the recovery journey together. 
• I pretend not to know how much I need books and what a crummy reader I am. I have to take ownership of that.
• I pretend not to know how much bitterness I have toward a couple of people. I can't resolve it, so I try not to feel it. None of these things seem all that revelatory in a good way.
• I pretend not to know that I should write publically and publish. I tell myself I don’t want the notoriety, that I’m content with scribbling in a journal. But maybe I don’t want to be what Alexandra Johnson calls a “hidden writer.” 
• I pretend not to know that I’m capable of writing poems and stories and books. 
• I pretend not to know what I can do. 
• I pretend not to know the difference between rest and laziness…it’s a difficult distinction, but I think I know it. I should, anyway. Or do other people struggle with that too?
• I pretend not to know that I have some horrible thoughts that probably stem from some intense mental illness or depravity. Or maybe I pretend not to know that those thoughts, the intrusive ones, are a version of normal. I don’t really see how any of this liberates me. 
• I pretend not to know how bad I am at managing time. 
• I pretend not to know how tired I am. 

Something I no longer fear: 

I’m not really afraid that Josh doesn’t love me. I know he does, has, and will. It won’t be perfect. He will hurt me. He may betray me. But it’s real. The good things count. The memories count even if he wasn't fully present. I also no longer fear that I won't be able to forgive him. And I no longer fear that I will betray myself.

I'm no longer afraid that I will betray Josh in some way. I've betrayed his trust before, but that was a long time ago. The more recent times I've caused him to mistrust me feel distant too because of the resolutions I've made, that I feel capapble of fulfilling. I no longer fear that I won't be able to recover. I've recovered myself before. I've put measures in place to help me be who I want to be and who my family needs me to be. I'm also no longer pretending that my worst flaws aren't that big of a deal. 

I'm no longer afraid, I think, of my parents' disapproval. I've done about the worst things I'm capable of doing. It was bad for a time, but it's not bad now. I've made the confessions I need to make. I'm trying to live well. But their approval isn't tantamount as it used to be. It doesn't control my actions through submission or through rebellion. I'm not ashamed to ask them for help. They also seemed to have accepted me a lot more as I've gotten older.

This is a lie I’ve told before:

What lies have I told? That I haven’t eaten sticky candy: a Starburst or a Skittle that pulled out my crowns. I think the dentist is the only person I lie to. I'm not much of a liar, and I've become less secretive. Maybe I embellish the truth for the sake of storytelling sometimes. Maybe I am vague about the truth. But I can't think of a recent time I've done these things. Maybe I lie to myself. Do I lie to myself about what’s important to me? Or how much rest I need (more? less?)? Or how I need to manage my time? Maybe I’ve lied about my ambition, pretending to be content with a smaller life, with journals, with writing privately. That seems to be what's coming out of the prompts today.

Stillness & Attention: Week 34.

Day 1: Saturday. Today is my darling friend Melissa's birthday. I sent her a pretty little Papaya card with a reasonable amount of glitter on it. She and I were best friends during much of high school and college. She's living her dream, raising three adorable children with her husband and working as a middle school librarian. 

When I woke up at 7, the boys were up, the morning routine was done, and Josh was working out. Bless him. And more good news: I met a fitness goal! Also, I'm halfway to my goal weight! It took about three and a half months to get here. I still have a long way to go, but I'm a little more confident. So I have a couple of prizes in my future, but I don't have them yet. Maybe I'll find them in Asheville. 

Oliver soon wanted to go get "cashbrowns." I wore purple athletic shorts, a purple tee with a Jane Austen quotation, purple glitter shoes, and my Ariel jacket. We went to McD and then went to get groceries. We spent a startling amount on food, and I had crossed out a lot of items I'd planned on getting. I did get ingredients for fried rice, pasta salad, and asparagus scramble--scrambled eggs with chopped asparagus and goat cheese crumbles, which Josh says he'll eat! We got more frozen fruit, strawberries and a mix of berries. I got four cups of vanilla yogurt, which I'm really going to try to start eating. We got extra shells and cheese, extra crackers, and extra breakfast sandwiches for Oliver. We also got some Nutella to see if we can tempt him with "chocolate toast." It has some iron! I got pink roses with baby's breath for the study. 

Putting away the groceries took a while. We won't go shopping again until after our trip. Josh has taken Oliver to get a haircut; he seemed eager to go. Into the Woods is today. I don't really feel like getting ready and going out, but I'm sure I'll have a wonderful time. I am caught up on reading for the magazine again. I added all of Oliver's shoes (pull-on sneakers, slippers, water shoes, and Crocs) in the next size up (mens' 8!) to Oliver's birthday wish list. Practical! 

They're already back! Oliver seems to enjoy his haircuts, like a little spa outing. 

I didn't end up doing any reading today. But it was a good day. I showered and shaved my legs (no cuts!), put on a teal cotton swing dress and white glitter shoes, put a lot of leave-in conditioner in my hair, and wore sparkly makeup: Hard Candy Frigid turquoise shadow, metallic purple eyeliner, and Fenty diamond pink glitter highlighter. I totally forgot to put on some fun jewelry, but I stuffed my wallet and phone into my green metallic theatre purse and grabbed a mask. Bruce picked me up. Normally, we'd walk over, but the weather was gloomy, and he's recovering from a jellyfish sting. 

The show was wonderful. The all-teenage cast had some great singers and actors. And they prepared for the show in three weeks! Amazing! The libretto, blocking, and complex ensemble cast are extremely challenging for any company. They left nothing out, not shying away from "Hello, Little Girl" or "Moment in the Woods" or Rapunzel's PPD. I was impressed. "Giants in the Sky," one of my favorites, did not disappoint. I plan on coming to next summer's performance, and we're going to catch at least a couple of shows next season! 

My other dresses arrived, and the smaller size fit! Short sleeves, fit and flare, just below the knee, with pockets!  It will be cute with tights and boots too, so I'll wear it all year. Maybe I'll wear it for another forty-day challenge. That's the winner. I plan on buying some other colors with points. I prepared all my other returns. Oliver gets his COVID booster shot on Monday, so we'll go to the UPS store after that. We're going to try out his hydroxyzine that morning and see what it does, if anything. Maybe it will make the shot easier. In any case, it will indicate how much the meds will help with meltdowns. 

Day 2: Sunday. I did yoga last night and listened to The Graveyard Book. I meant to read more before I went to sleep, but I did not. Instead, I slept for over eleven hours, waking up around 7:45 when Josh told me that Oliver had peed our bed. He got our sheets and blankets (as well as his own), so I have a lot of laundry to do. Josh did the morning routine with Oliver; bless him. A storm came through with thunder and lightning, delaying Josh's run. 

I had a cup of yogurt and some apple juice for breakfast. The yogurt is pretty good. I do want to start getting back in the habit of getting up earlier before school starts. In under two weeks, we'll meet Oliver's new teachers. I'm working on three loads of laundry. I did a bunch of cleaning up, mostly around my ottoman. I also made a strawberry smoothie and poured it into the new Popsicle molds. We'll see if Oliver is interested. I didn't put in much Pediasure. We've almost gone through a whole big bag of frozen strawberries. 

I fell down the stairs this morning. All the way down on my back, fast. I wasn't hurt, but I may be sore and bruised tomorrow. 

Oliver and I have done two and a half worksheets today. He doesn't seem to mind. He identified several little objects on them: ducks, dinosaurs, baseballs, trains. It amazes me that children can always identify dinosaurs and dogs though they all look so different.

The world is getting stormy again. I need to turn on the big lamp. I made fried rice with extra vegetables. I finished reading FWDGF; that's 99 books for the year! I've nearly reached my goal. I think six books a month for the rest of the year is a reasonable goal. I'd like to get to one thousand books total by my next birthday; I'm in the 930s now. 

Josh and I put on the new plastic mattress cover and remade our bed. I have a lot of laundry to put away tomorrow. Victoria is coming to pick up the four mattress protectors we no longer need, which will free up a lot of space in our linen closet. 

Day 3: Monday. Oliver peed his bed and his pillow, so I ran another load of laundry, loaded and ran the dishwasher, did some picking up, and put away three baskets of laundry. 

I got an E-mail from our property management company. It didn't acknowledge my phone call but did ask if we'd like to renew our lease and said the rent would go up an amount we can handle with Josh's raise this year. I'm enormously relieved. Josh doesn't seem particularly relieved or surprised. I feel great knowing we won't have to move Oliver, which would be a terrible adjustment for him. We won't have to search for something else decent that we can afford or have to think about moving back into an apartment. This takes a huge worry away. We have another year here, close to Josh's work and Oliver's school. 

This morning, I slept until 8:30! Amazing. Oliver slept on. I was sore from yesterday's fall down the stairs. Josh had already worked out and done Oliver's morning routine before Oliver had gone back to bed. At 9, I put on pink shorts, a green tank, and gray glitter shoes, and we woke Oliver. We gave him hydroxyzine. He stayed pretty mellow as we went to Walgreens for his COVID booster shot. He was a little wary of getting in the chair, jerked slightly, and was a little mad afterward, but it went pretty well. We got him some Doritos. When we got home, I popped out one of the Pediasure Popsicles. Oliver did a double take and asked for it. Over the next couple of hours, he ate six little pops, a smoothie's worth! I tried giving him macaroni with broccoli mixed in--nope. But he is getting a little more open to food. 

We did the rest of that worksheet today, cutting and gluing. He was able to find the right numbers. He doesn't seem to mind doing the worksheets now. I endorsed his ESA+ funds for school today. I feel really tender and protective toward him tonight. I'll feel better once we're all in the routine of school. Josh and I need the alone time, and Oliver needs the structure and the break from house and from us. But I'm not used to being away from him. 

I read a story for the magazine today and made asparagus scramble (scrambled eggs with asparagus and goat cheese). My eggs came out quite well. I also did yoga and listened to TGB. Tomorrow, I'll have Josh all day. 

Day 4: Tuesday. I just ordered a tub of kale powder. I'm going to try to sneak some into Oliver's Popsicles. Oliver did eat three of them this morning. I woke up at 7:30 today. The boys had been up since 4, so the morning routine was done. I didn't go to sleep until about 11 last night, but I feel fine, and Oliver is very energetic this morning. I got to talk to Josh a little before he left on his short run. 

My Alani energy drinks came--Berry Pop and Mimosa. I think Berry Pop is my favorite. It's also the hardest to find. We're getting Oliver back into the habit of using hand sanitizer. He'll probably use it at school, and he's not great a thorough hand washing. He remembers the hand sanitizer and rubs it in pretty well. I ordered some more so I can send it to school. I hope the teachers are kind and flexible. I hope they'll like Oliver and listen to him. I hope he'll eat more at school this year. Maybe we'll find more that he'll eat. Our two major focus points right now are the hand sanitizer and the seatbelt. 

I'm kind of getting into unicorns as I age. I saw The Unicorn Handbook for some 69% off on Amazon and ordered it as a future prize; I look forward to reading it. I know little lore. I have the Fairy Handbook, and I put the Mermaid Handbook on the wish list I made for Bruce. We're doing Christmas wish lists this year. 

Oliver was so excited to see Miss Katie at OT today. And he buckled his seatbelt for her! I just held it slack, and he did everything else! 

Day 5: Wednesday. I slept until 8:30 again! Poor Josh though--Oliver again woke up at 4! And when Oliver wakes up, he wants Josh--not me. I apologized for sleeping late, but Josh said he wanted me to. 

Josh found the Instagram account of a family with a nonverbal autistic young adult son. I saw a photo of them in an article. I'm relieved to see a family doing okay further along the journey. I ordered the dad's book to read to Josh. I have a lot to read to Josh. 

I broke the NoBuy for the second time--well, Josh and Mom say that neither instance counts. The first time was for Into the Woods, which I don't regret; that was a great show. The second time was a couple of days ago when I signed up for the remote version of a weekend writing retreat in October. The instructors include three of the writers that have influenced me most: Anne Lamott, Julia Cameron, and SARK (Bird by Bird, The Artist's Way, and The Creative Companion, etc., all books I discovered as a teenager). It was too amazing to pass up. Mom says it's professional development. In any case, I don't regret signing up. I'll have access to all the recordings, so even if Oliver keeps me busy that weekend, I can watch the sessions later while he's at school. I ordered two books by other instructors: The INFJ Writer (which I plan to read to Josh and which I also bought for Bruce--the three of us are INFJs, which supposedly is the rarest personality type: interesting) and The Creative Cure (for myself and for Bruce, for about $1 with credits). I also found three books to read (which I already own) by JC and SARK: The Vein of Gold and Succulent Wild Woman. I've read a few of Anne Lamott's other books but may try to check out more before the retreat. All the retreat really needs is Natalie Goldberg. 

Biden may make a decision about student loans today. The projected payment is less than I anticipated, so we can manage it, but I do hope we get a little more time. 

My board meeting is tomorrow, and the school's open house is just a week from tomorrow. Yesterday, I read the first two chapters of What Moves the Dead. I also read the first few poems in Postcolonial Love Poem. Both were good, and I look forward to continuing them. I've barely read to the boys this month; I've been totally out of the habit. 

Biden is forgiving $10k of student loans and extending the moratorium through the end of the year. So we do have more time. The forgiveness probably won't affect our payment since it's income-based.

I ordered big individually-wrapped blueberry muffins for Oliver's lunches. He ate them sometimes last year. I hope he'll eat them this year as they're a good 450 calories. 

Doing chores used to feel unmanageable for me, but I'm now able to do more without feeling overwhelmed. Maybe I'll be able to add to that later.

I'm floating on good news today, and Josh has tomorrow off!

Day 6: Thursday. Board meeting today and travel tomorrow. 7:19. I've been up for over two hours. The boys are still asleep. I've started posting more on Facebook about autism, I/DD, and Oliver. I want people to know about Oliver, about our lives. 

I got my prizes for reaching one of my fitness goals today: a pillow and a spiral journal with a design from A Thing Created, an artist's store I found on Etsy. The design shows a girl with pink hair in a fancy library. The pillow will replace my old worn out chair pillow, and the journal will be the one I write in next. 

Josh got up, and we did yoga together. That felt nice. He just woke Oliver for their cashbrown date as it was getting late. I had a strawberry-banana smoothie. 

I took a shower and got dressed a little early. My dress pants are too big, but the smaller sizes are still tight. Josh is out running. I'm wearing pinstripe charcoal pants, a silver-gray top, a periwinkle knit blazer, silver peacock heels, and a blue and purple pearl necklace. 

The meeting went well though we didn't do everything on the schedule and will be coming back to do a tour of one of the group homes. I ate a little macaroni and cheese and brought home some fried chicken that Oliver sampled. Josh, bless him, had cleaned the house while I was gone. I felt pretty high strung, as if I were exhausted but had had way too much caffeine, so I ended up taking a Xanax but still couldn't really read or write. So I put on my wireless headphones and watched Orphan: First Kill. I really enjoyed the original, and the prequel had a twist I didn't see coming. When the boys went to bed, I took a bath. I still need a major reset, and I hope a good night of sleep will give me that. 

Day 7: Friday. Today, I woke up at 7:23 and realized that Josh needed to get ready for work as he was working an earlier shift. I woke him up and went to the study. As Josh came down, Oliver woke up. I put him in the bath, and we said goodbye to Josh. We finished the morning routine, and I spent some time on my loveseat. I told Oliver, "Later, when Daddy gets home, we're going to drive to Marmee and Papa's house. You're going to stay there for a couple of days while Mama and Daddy go on a trip." He didn't reply but did a little smiling and jumping. 

I hauled out two suitcases and took them upstairs. I packed for Oliver and for myself and packed my backpack with plenty of books. I also packed my portable DVD player with Jane Eyre and Little Women. I sat down briefly, and Oliver said, "Go see Marmee and Papa?" Otherwise, he was patient as I got ready, Josh got home, and we loaded the car. 

We went to Arby's, which was closed. I found another along the way in Laurinburg, where we lived for less than a year. We passed both our old houses. The big one, where we found out I was pregnant, looks abandoned. The small one, where we brought Oliver home, is rundown. Oliver and I enjoyed Arby's, and later at a gas station in Wadesboro, Josh got me Dippin' Dots. I'm not counting calories on this trip. I didn't do much of anything in the car. Lately, I've been feeling the value of doing nothing, of just sitting still and thinking or just having a conversation. It's not easy for me, but I'm pursuing it more. I feel like my body and brain are asking me to slow down, and I'm trying to listen before they make me sick to get my attention. 

We visited with Mom for a little while, and Oliver seemed happy to be there. I got a little apprehensive as we left--I haven't been away from Oliver for more than a couple of hours in two months. But Mom texted me a picture of him happily eating macaroni. 

Stillness & Attention: Week 29.

Day 1: Saturday. I finally finished The Strange Case of the Alchemist's Daughter. Bizarre and good. Long! The second book, which I've checked out, is much longer. So I've now read two books this week. I've (barely) started Plenty (a memoir that is already late) and Smoke: Poems by Dorianne Laux. As usual, I'm quite behind on library books. I'm writing with Diamine Mystique today. 

We got groceries this morning. I bought green apples and caramel sauce to try to sneak some more nutrition into Oliver's diet. He's not going for it. Josh and I like them though. We bought a few more hoarding items: sticks of butter for the freezer, syrup (the pancake mix came), 2.5 gallons of water, shell pasta and Velveeta sauce, and a lot more Gatorade Zero. Amazon doesn't have the Gatorade mix right now, and I don't know how we'd get Oliver to drink anything else.

The thunder is loud. We sat in the study for a while and watched the rain. I read a tale from Kaleidoscope and started a second before Oliver wanted to watch a video. He hasn't had an accident so far today. He also didn't wet his bed or ours. I ended up sleeping in Oliver's bed with Josh from 4:30 to 6:30 this morning--musical beds. I came downstairs and settled on my loveseat. Josh soon came down, sat with me a while, and then worked out. I read a couple of articles from Bella Grace. I want to spend some time reading beautiful magazines in the study each morning. That seems like a great way to start the day. 

I did yoga and read a dragon story for the magazine. The stories are really flowing in steadily. I wrote down my gratitude list for today and turned it into a poem. 

Day 2: Sunday. Today, Josh said, "When you're in a good mood, I can handle things. When you're not, I'm pretty much destroyed." 

I slept fitfully but managed until 6. I went down to my loveseat and did nothing. Josh came down at 7 to sit with me. Oliver came down at 8. Josh went to run, so I took care of Oliver's morning routine. I read a couple of articles from Oh Reader. I look forward to subscribing to the magazine next year. I'm writing today with Diamine Lilac Satin ink.

My Pipsticks stickers came! They're mostly travel-themed. I probably won't do much more traveling in my life, but I do have memories of some wonderful trips. We are going on a little weekend trip to Asheville next month for Josh's half-marathon! I'm really looking forward to that since we're not getting a weekend off this month. 

I made a big batch of vegetable fried rice with brown rice, riced cauliflower, carrots, broccoli, sugar snap peas, sweet peas, fire-roasted corn, baby corn, and red peppers. I ate, and I cleaned up the kitchen. 

Well, we ended up at the splash pad for four hours. We all got burned despite sunscreen. The latter two hours were pretty miserable. We only got Oliver to hydrate a little because the ice cream truck came and we got him a Popsicle. I did read a good forty pages of Joyful to Josh. He says most of it, like the aesthetics of energy and abundance, don't apply to him. Hmm. 

I've continued reading for the magazine, and the stories have continued to roll in. I seem to be the only second reader rating them right now; where is everyone? We changed our sheets, so that will be nice tonight. And my fuzzy pink (alas, more mauve than they appeared) pillows with silver stars and snowflakes arrived as did my turquoise and gold marbled tray.

Day 3: Monday. July 18. More than halfway through the month. I'm sitting in the sunshine of the study, curled up on my pink velvet loveseat with one foot on my teal velvet ottoman. I just finished reading a few articles from Oh Reader and Bella Grace. Some of the TBR books are on my list. I'd like to finish at least a couple of good magazines this month. 

This morning, I woke around 6. Josh was down here working out. I ended up sleeping for another forty-five minutes. I'm nervous about Oliver's blood work today. He didn't have any accidents over the weekend despite the four hours at the splash pad. 

I've only read one collection of short stories this month...definitely not up to my goal. I'll have to be more focused in August and September. It will get easier because more of my library books will be collections. Right now, I'm just so behind. I'll return as many books as I can on Friday. I gave up on Plenty and 13 Stories last week--I'll get back to them. 

I see big trees with puffs of white blossoms. I wonder what they are. The gray ottoman came and is now under the coats. Our new body pillow arrived, and it is so nice. I moved the old one to Oliver's crash pad. 

This is the last full week of the program Josh is coordinating. Next week, he'll mostly be wrapping up, making reports, giving presentations, and planning a celebration. He thinks he'll do this again next summer. I have mixed feelings, but it hasn't been as hard as I thought it might be. Next summer, we can pay down some more debt, build up savings, and buy a new dresser. If the summer job continues, we can eventually buy a second car...though Josh does like having only one car. 

I'm thinking about bringing some of my snowflake ornaments back out. I've loved snowflakes since I was twelve, all year. People have given me snowflake ornaments, pajamas, blankets, and other objects as gifts. I used to hang snowflakes all over my house. 

Oliver slept until 9:30--how kind! While he was in the bath, I took almost everything out of my makeup bag. I put in some favorite lipsticks and glosses. I want to create a grab-in-case-of-fire bag of my favorite makeup. I found a Hard Candy palette I'd completely forgotten. I want to have all my basics in there too, including back-up foundation, eye shadow primer, and mascara. 

Well, I got through quite a project today. I cleaned out and reorganized all my makeup. I got all my favorite and essential makeup (with extras) into my makeup bag, and I can actually see what's in the bag. I threw away old makeup and makeup that I've sampled but probably won't ever use. I organized all my palettes vertically so I can see them. I cleaned out and organized my backstock bin--everything in labeled Ziplocs. I put together a box of unused makeup that I wasn't going to use and posted it on the local BuyNothing group--someone picked it up within thirty minutes. Now, someone gets to enjoy that great makeup! Next stop: skincare. I used to have makeup subscriptions, so I have a lot of products I didn't choose. 

I read two more stories for the magazine. 

I gave Oliver two clonidine over an hour before his appointment for blood work. He was sleepy but definitely not sedated enough. We restrained him and managed a finger stick. Glucose and hemoglobin are normal. Back at home, he took a bath and a nap. I lay down with him for a while and then finished my makeup project. 

I'm writing with Van Dieman's Night Shooting Star ink today. It's dark blue with red sheen and gold shimmer.

Day 4: Tuesday. Today was a nightmare. Oliver had a massive meltdown. The day started poorly. I didn't get any time to myself in the morning because Oliver had a nightmare while Josh was out running. I had just come downstairs when I heard Oliver screaming, "Daddy!" I ran upstairs and tried to comfort Oliver, but he was inconsolable. He kept asking for Josh, apparently having lost him in a dream and being unable to shake the nightmare. I called Josh, thinking his voice might help. But Josh ended up coming home. After seeing Josh, Oliver calmed down and took a bath. Josh managed to finish his run. We took Josh to work as Oliver had OT in the afternoon. Oliver insisted on a second bath. He woke Josh up at 2 a.m. Our lives are kind of ridiculous. 

I didn't do yoga. I didn't read--at all, not even for the magazine. I didn't write five pages or read aloud or read poems. Just before I needed to get ready for OT, Oliver wanted to watch a fuel tanker song video--which doesn't exist. A meltdown of one to two hours followed. He broke the router, threw down a small shelf of magazines, trashed a lamp, broke the porcelain violets bowl my dad gave my mom while they were dating, pulled down five pieces of art, broke two frames, broke one sheet of glass, dumped all my makeup brushes, poured milk on the floor, threw a half-full diet soda can across the kitchen, spilled another liquid I didn't even identify, threw items off a bookshelf, and destroyed my pretty little favorite books cabinet. I barely managed to clean up the glass and the milk. He was so quick. He screamed most of the time. Our Internet, of course, went out, so I couldn't play any of the videos he demanded on his tablet. He yanked on my clothes and hands but didn't actually hurt me. I gave him two clonidine, but it's too slow-acting to be helpful. 

Of course, I had had to ask Josh to call Oliver's therapist and cancel our appointment. Josh said we could pick him up for an hour, but Oliver didn't warm to this idea for some time. When he started to come out of his rage, he looked around the ransacked guest room and said, "What did you do?"

I said, "You broke a lot of things."

We picked up Josh, who fixed the router and tried to clean up. I sat on the couch, staring at nothing. Oliver had a good snack. We declined giving him ice cream. I felt completely disconnected from myself and my life. Nothing seemed to matter. I was dissociated. Numb. Josh went back to work. I don't know what I did. Eventually, I got Oliver ready for bed.

I did do one good thing before the day got so bad. I rearranged my nonfiction bookcase, which I see from my loveseat, in rainbow order. It looks much prettier.

Day 5: Wednesday. Last night, I took a shower and then immediately took a bath, but the hot water hurt my sunburned arms. Josh came to our room after Oliver was asleep, and Josh gave me back tickles. I tried to focus on his touch. I couldn't read for myself or for the magazine. I felt totally disconnected from myself. But tickles, Xanax, and melatonin helped me go to sleep.

I woke up at 4 a.m. to Oliver spreading out on our bed. Josh wasn't in bed, so I went to look for him. He was asleep in Oliver's bed. LOL. So I crawled into Oliver's bed with Josh and slept for another two hours. When I woke up, Josh was downstairs working out. I thought I might get some quiet time to talk to Josh or read a magazine before Oliver woke up, but he got up immediately after I did. So I gave him his morning relaxation bath and got him ready for the day. 

I tried to spend time in my study, but Oliver kept asking for another bath. The thought of sitting in the freezing bathroom for another forty-five minutes was almost unbearable, but he did take a second bath before 9:30 a.m. I went back to my loveseat after the bath and the redressing process. Oliver stood still, staring at me, for thirty minutes while I tried to write. So I asked him to sit down, covered him with a blanket, and read aloud Dorianne Laux poems from Smoke until my mother called to check on me. As I'd told Bruce, I told her that yes, I must be feeling better because I felt unhappy rather than dissociated. 

The day passed fairly quickly. I cleaned out my bin of skincare products and posted on the local BuyNothing group a photo of a box of moisturizers, masks, and serums that I'm just not going to use. Someone picked it up within fifteen minutes. I wrote some more and tried to catch up on blogging from last week. Josh came home briefly for lunch, and I sat with his legs across my lap on the couch. We both felt like napping. Oliver continued to ask for a bath, but somehow, when Josh says no, he stops. When I say no, he asks over and over again until I'm about to lose my mind. I say exactly what Josh says, but it doesn't work. 

When Josh got home, I gave Oliver his actual bath (with bathing) and got him ready for bed. We realized that we'd forgotten to give him his night meds, so the night extended. Someone knocked on the door, and Josh answered to find a delivery guy with an Edible Arrangement addressed to us. It was from "a friend," and the note wished us a better day. I appreciated the acknowledgement and kindness. I also appreciated the chocolate-covered strawberries while Josh ate a pineapple flower. I hope we might convince Oliver to eat some cantaloupe or honeydew, but that's unlikely. It's good timing because I decided today that I'm going to try to eat more fruit even though I'm watching calories. 

Day 6: Thursday. Starting with Sunday's sunbake, this hasn't been an easy week. But Oliver slept in a bit today, so I got some quiet morning time. He also did a little better with getting dressed; maybe he's starting to get that. I haven't finished any books this calendar week. 

Day 7: Friday. Last night, I read from about 7 to 9 and finally caught up on reading for the magazine. This morning, I slept a little on my loveseat and then did nothing for a while (dolce far niente). I read two articles from Bella Grace and two articles from Oh Reader. I'm working on a donation box of craft and stationery supplies. 

I found a small pink bookcase on sale for $36 and ordered it to replace the book cabinet Oliver wrecked. It'll be cheap, but I won't be too upset if Oliver breaks it. And it's pink. I found a revolving bookcase that I'd really like to get next year. 

I made a stack of priority library books: books that are or will soon be late and books that someone is likely to put on hold. Then, I finished reading Smoke (poems) and read the graphic novel The Call of Cthulhu. So I've finished two books today! I started Unless It Moves the Human Heart, a book on writing and teaching. And I wrote "Lightning Bug," my first real love poem to Oliver. I'm happy with it. Josh said it captures what it's like to be Oliver's parent. 

I went to the library, returned some books, and picked up holds. I need to read about five books a week as that's how many I'm checking out! I listened to The Graveyard Book in the car. Bruce and I spent a couple of hours at Barnes, which is in the middle of major renovation. Records are in the cafe. Sections are broken up and moved. Books are double-stacked in rented crates. I feel bad for the booksellers trying to find anything. But exploring the changed bookstore was fun. We spent a lot of time in poetry and lit crit. I took photos of a lot of books I want to check for at the library.

Stillness & Attention: Week 28.

Day 1: Saturday. Yesterday, I took a two-hour nap in my chair. I probably needed it. I finished West Wind by Mary Oliver and Wild Swims, short stories by Dorthe Nors. I did go to the library and pick up holds. Bruce came over, and we talked for almost three hours. 

Today, I got to sleep until 7, which was pretty exciting. I started and finished A Thousand Mornings: Poems by Mary Oliver. I've read three stories for the magazine today, and I still have one waiting. They've been coming in steadily. 

We got groceries today. I got some stock-up items to make my mom feel better (she thinks we need to hoard food): pasta, pasta sauce, rice, and beans. I don't know what Oliver would eat if we didn't have his staples.

Oliver had a bit of a meltdown today. He said he wanted to "watch a picture of a helicopter." We couldn't figure out what he meant. We tried videos of helicopters and even videos of people drawing helicopters. He roared and pitched his tablet but got over it and went outside after a little while. 

I haven't sent out a submission in over thirty days. I still have 114 pieces out. When Oliver returns to school, will I be more focused? Am I really just surviving the summer? 

My mood went downhill when one of my crowns came out. That's the second in the last couple of months. I really wanted to be done with the dentist for a while, and I don't know when I'll get a chance to go get this crown fixed. Josh asked me for a cuddle on Oliver's crash pad.

Day 2: Sunday. I've now read six books this month, which is pretty good. I started Some Things I Still Can't Tell You: Poems by Misha Collins yesterday. It's not really my kind of poetry, but I'm trying to read all kinds. 

I got up just before 7 and expected Josh to have left for his run. He hadn't, though, so he suggested we cuddle in the guest bed while Oliver sleeps on in our bed (where he ended up at some point in the night). Josh and I took a lovely hour-long nap. Last night, I tried taking melatonin with Xanax instead of ibuprofen p.m., and it seems to have worked well. I'm thankful that Oliver slept in this morning. I don't know what to do about Oliver's sleeping in our bed and needing Josh to put him to bed every night. At least one of us ends up sleeping elsewhere. It's going to get weirder and more impractical as Oliver gets older, but he has no consciousness of that.

I did a little Pinterest exploring and showed Josh a couple of my boards. I should look at them more myself. 

I need to go back to timed reading sessions to get through some of these library books. I have to structure myself to achieve that stillness and attention. I look forward to choosing my nonfiction books for fall; most of them will come from my own collection. I've still only finished one book of short stories this summer, so I have a lot of work to do. 

At the moment, I don't feel hurt, bitterness, anxiety, anger, or fear. I feel calm gratitude. I've started The Strange Case of the Alchemist's Daughter, and I'm enjoying it so far. It's a speculative mystery that combines a lot of literary characters (or their daughters), including Dr. Jekyll, Frankenstein, Dr. Moreau, and Sherlock Holmes. 

I've got a touch of the Sunday night blues. Oliver had another accident today. These two three-day weekends have felt too short. 

Day 3: Monday. I have a lot of blank journals in the wardrobe in the guest room. I'm thinking about reorganizing them by brand and type (meaning whether or not I can write in them with fountain pens). That would be fun. The wardrobe also holds my jewelry (all costume), books from which I need to write down quotations, my sticker binders, sweaters, and magazines. 

I've picked out some throw pillow covers for my new loveseat. I also got an ottoman and tray. I'm still well under our furniture budget for this year, and I was able to do interest-free payments. The loveseat will arrive next week. I want the study to be my morning room where I read magazines and ease into the day. If that bothers Oliver, I'll just start when he goes to school. The gray fabric slipper chair I ordered for the bathroom arrived yesterday. I don't know when Josh will be able to build it, but I look forward to having a place to sit during Oliver's long baths. 

The Strange Case of the Alchemist's Daughter is pretty funky, but I'm enjoying it. It's showing me that I can still do focused reading and get a mood boost from it. I'm dragging on 13 Stories and 13 Epitaphs. The first story has no quotation marks and no paragraph breaks. It's already late, so I may just return it and devote more time to it later. Eventually, the majority of my library books will be story collections, so I'll be more focused. I have so many other books to read. I did finish a journal today. I started a Peter Pauper Press journal that has the design for a French edition of the Song of Songs. 

Mom said she may keep Oliver this weekend, and I'm trying not to get excited about the thought. It'd be great timing since Josh's summer grades are due at the beginning of next week. 

My mouth hurts. I managed to get a dentist appointment this afternoon, and Josh is going to take a late lunch hour so I can go. I've got to wear pretty shoes--staff comes to see my shoes at the dentist; it's a thing. I'm thinking sea-green glitter shoes. 

Day 4: Tuesday. I got the crown put back in, but my jaw is off-balance now, which makes eating difficult. 

Bruce is listening to The Graveyard Book by Neil Gaiman, which apparently has a full cast. I think one of my goals is to read half or more of his books, so I placed a hold on the audio book too. My discman arrived, so I can listen to The Testaments at home and The Graveyard Book in the car (it's only some 7 CDs; Testaments is 14+). I've decided to keep one or two audio books going at all times. I prefer reading directly, but I want to get to as many books as I can, and this is a way to read when I normally can't (while driving, folding laundry, etc.). I need a belt pack for the discman to make it really practical, so I'll get one with Amazon points next month. 

Josh built the gray slipper chair for the bathroom. It's pretty big, big enough for me to pull up my legs, but I measured it before I ordered it to make sure it could fit in the bathroom without blocking any doors. I sat in it today. Having it should improve the quality of my days, and I'm looking for anything that can do that. I moved a pink, gray, and gold Sparkle pillow from the guest room to the couch, where I can enjoy it more. I want to get maximum enjoyment out of wonderful objects. A new pillow cover arrived: a fairy with green hair, green eyes, and green eyeliner, very pretty. I'll put the pillow on the chair in the bathroom since the bathroom has a green theme. 

Day 5: Wednesday. The magazine stories keep rolling in, and I'm behind. I read one in bed last night, but I got too tired after that. I'm having to devote a lot of reading time and energy to this right now. It's what I signed up for as a second reader, but I'm not used to its being this steady. I've gotten through two stories today. 

I've been enjoying my fountain pens and inks. Today, I'm writing with the lovely Diamine Inkvent Blue Peppermint ink. It's a bright turquoise with silver shimmer and a little blue sheen. I'd love to have the whole Inkvent collection; I only have three bottles out of...many. I'd love to get the Inkvent calendar this Christmas...an early Christmas gift? Sailor Manyo Koke has come out with dual-shading inks which write in varying shades and are apparently safe for all pens. I'd love to try them. I'm running low on room for ink...I need to figure out a new way to store them. I keep some in an open purple glitter box on top of my desk, but I worry Oliver may knock them down. 

Another Christmas present I'm considering is this Ruby Red Stella doll. She's so cute and sassy with her rock star shirt, her star sweater, and her glittery boots. 

I feel bad that Oliver hasn't gone out much. He didn't go to the park or out for a McDonald's "cashbrown" date last weekend. He slept too late or asked too late. I hope we can do better for him this weekend, and I hope it won't be so terribly hot and rainy. 

I'm not doing so well with my goals or habits for July. I haven't done enough yoga or caught up on my letters. I did enjoy listening to The Testaments in the car yesterday while driving to and from OT. I left the CDs in the car because I thought I might be driving a lot tomorrow, but Mom texted me to say that she's sick. So we won't get a weekend this month. Our next romantic weekend will be at the end of August when Josh has his half marathon in Asheville. 

I did read two stories from Kaleidoscope to the boys last night. It will count as a short story collection when I finish it. 

Once Oliver finishes school (if not before then), I'll probably need to go back to work full-time to help cover his programs and care. We also need to save for his future. Once we're out of debt, we can focus more on saving. In any case, worrying about it now won't help anything. 

House of Hearts, Francesca Lia Block's new novel, just arrived! I can't wait to read it. She's my favorite writer, and I got to take two classes with her last year! 

Josh has a partial class schedule for fall. He'll have a long Tuesday night class, which will be a bummer for me. But he may get to be home for most of the day until then. It looks like he may be able to drop Oliver off at school each day and take him (alone or with me) to OT. Those would be awesome. But his schedule may change a lot over the next month. Still, even during those three weeks Oliver isn't in school yet, Josh will be home with us more. 

It's raining. I hear a little thunder, and I'm watching bubbles flow under the gate. I got almost eleven hours of sleep last night. Wow! My mood isn't great, though, which may relate to the weather. I got a few items on Prime Day: a firm body pillow and teal velvet case and a large canister of pancake mix. The pillow will replace our limp, floppy one we keep near our headboard. I added it to the furniture/household budget I set for the year. The pancake mix is for our extra food stash. 

Day 6: Thursday. Today, I'm writing with Diamine shimmer Peacock Flare ink in my TWSBI stub nib fountain pen. 

Wonderful surprise: my loveseat arrived! It wasn't supposed to come until next week! I popped up the teal ottoman. I'm thinking about getting another ottoman in gray to go under the coat rack in the foyer--a place to put on shoes. I've thought about what else I can do to make the study beautiful. Cleaning up the desks could help. Maybe we could put some flowers on my desk once I've cleared some space. Josh says he'll build my loveseat when he gets home, but I don't want to wait! 

My reading achievements have been subpar lately. I haven't finished a single book this week. 

But! I did manage to assemble my loveseat all by myself! My pink and white Merry Everything pillow cover with gold thread arrived, so I added it to my You Are Magical and She Leaves a Little Sparkle Wherever She Goes pillows. 

I also moved some stationery and notebooks to the storage ottoman, set aside some items to donate, and cleared out a whole desk drawer for my inks! I organized them by type (shimmer and sheen, scented, and standard) and brand. Now, they're safe from Oliver's rages (some used to live on top of the desk), and I have room for more! I will be getting some inks as gifts later in the year...

I was in an awesome mood for much of the day. Then, Oliver had a massive accident in the bathroom, and I found that his bed was wet as well. He was hollering and jumping hard, and I felt hot and spent. I tried to listen to The Testaments while I put away laundry, but I missed parts because Oliver was vocalizing so loudly. 

Day 7: Friday. I didn't write at all today. It was a hard day. I took Oliver to the bathroom every hour, but he still had an accident. I started taking him to the bathroom every thirty minutes. I called his doctor, and we got to go in at 3. Josh managed to get a urine sample, which showed no indication of infection or diabetes. We need to do blood work to rule out diabetes insipidus, so we'll sedate him on Monday and take him back. The doctor suspects constipation is causing decreased bladder control, so we're going to start using Miralax.

I did finish Some Things I Still Can't Tell You: Poems. The acknowledgements page was heartbreaking--he still loves his estranged wife. I was surprised to see that he had a poem in Pearl; my "Love Spell" was in Pearl many years ago.  

I got a piece of wonderful news: my poem "Cadillac" will appear in Kakalak 2022! Kakalak is an annual anthology of Carolina poets. I'm thrilled. I wrote the poem as a graduate student, and it's very North Carolina. 

Stillness & Attention: Week 19.

Day 1: Saturday. My computer is working again! Thank goodness. It's a Chrome Book that I really like. The only part I really don't like is that I can only open one document at a time, which makes editing and preparing submissions difficult. But I'll use it as long as I can because we definitely can't afford a new laptop. 

Oliver kindly slept through the night, so Josh and I got to wake up together and chat in bed. I sent out those five poems I meant to send yesterday. I've sent 20 pieces this month, and I have 113 pieces out total. Yesterday, a postal submission response came in--an acceptance! A poem about my working at Borders will be published in Blue Collar Review, which has published four other poems of mine, a couple last year and a couple many years ago--three about working in bookstores and one about waiting tables. It's not an incredibly exciting acceptance, but I'm quite pleased. I was hoping for an acceptance this month. That bumps up my acceptance rate a little; it's now 7.6%. I'd like to get to 10%. We'll see. I'm researching more markets. It's time consuming. 

Bruce and I went to DPAC to see My Fair Lady. It was quite good. I saved calories for our customary soft pretzel and peanut M&Ms. As usual, we sang show tunes in the car. 

Day 2: Sunday. Mother's Day. Josh wanted to go get me a burger today, but I hadn't budgeted the calories for it. I did have some delicious Chedda Believe It Moon Cheese. I continue to drink soda occasionally for the happy ritual of it even though it doesn't taste right. 

Oddly enough, Olive did not ask to go to the park today, so we got a break from that. It was a good day for such a break because it was cold. I sent out a submission of four poems and continued planning out future submissions. I received a rejection with an invitation to submit again, which is always encouraging. My plans are messy, but duotrope keeps my records neat and organized. 

I worked on most of my habits today. I read An Acceptable Time to the boys. I read a day of the Bible; I'm still behind but making progress again. I read some more ASA poems. I read quite a bit of A Vow So Bold and Deadly, which I'm still really enjoying. I read my minimum of 75 pages for the day. And I scribbled five pages in my huge journal. I also did my exercises, weights, and a little yoga. 

Josh doesn't have therapy tomorrow, so I get to have the whole morning with him! Bruce finished reading my book, so I'll work on editing tomorrow. I should be able to submit the book soon! Overall, I'm quite behind on reading--I've only finished one book this month! But I think I can catch up next week. I have some books due on Saturday, so I'll do my best. I need that stillness and attention.

Day 3: Monday. My car needs an oil change, and Josh's needs an inspection and probable repairs. We've been having trouble since those surprise taxes, so my mom lent us some money to take care of the cars. That's a relief. We should hear this week about the summer position for which Josh applied. If he gets it, we'll be in better shape but not until the end of July. Part-time pay at community colleges is badly delayed. 

I told my grandparents that we'd no longer need their support after next month. That's probably not true, but we won't need it for Oliver's school as it looks almost certain that we'll receive a disabilities grant for his tuition and (hopefully) his fees. We are enormously blessed in that, and getting that was a great deal of work! It is one of accomplishments of which I'm most proud. In a couple of months, we'll pay off Josh's hospital expenses from last year, so that will be one bill gone. Since I didn't have any cavities this time (a miracle with my teeth--thank God Oliver got Josh's strong teeth!), maybe we can pay off my old dental work before I need new work! And we're close to paying off Josh's undergrad loans though I doubt we can pay them off before we go back to paying off his grad loans. Come on, Biden; give us some help. 

We have no savings and a lot of debt. I'm doing the best I can with it. My disability pay isn't much, but it's more than I could make teaching part time. I don't think we could both teach full time and take proper care of Oliver, especially since he has so many days off and such long summers. I don't know how people do it, especially with a child (or children) with special needs. Josh has a great job and works hard, and I'm doing the NoBuy year. We'll continue to reassess. 

But in better news, Josh and I spent the morning together. We did yoga, rested, and talked. I'm cherishing these last hours we have alone together. When we're resting, I often look at this collage by the bed.

I got a little grumpy and down later in the day, but Bruce had finished proofreading my book, so I got to work on that. He caught several silly typos, a few confusing bits, and a repeating dialogue formatting error. I fixed it all, and then I created a new cover letter and sent the book to the magazine that is taking submissions of fantasy novellas! It's a long shot, but it's a special possibility. I feel great knowing my first fiction book is out there and someone I don't know may read it. I've workshopped parts of it, but no one but Josh, Mom, and Bruce has read the whole book. No one has asked to read it.

Day 4: Tuesday. I spent most of the morning scribbling, trying to get my pages in. Josh and I spent some time together in the afternoon. Tomorrow, we'll have our last stretch of time alone. I will miss that time terribly. Josh took Oliver to OT. I really appreciate his doing that. I'll take Oliver for the next couple of weeks as Josh will have long days. Josh brought home a quarter pounder--I had budgeted the calories, and it was delicious. I sent a piece of flash fiction to a magazine. Josh and I sat out in the sunlight on the back steps for a good while and talked. He was about as open with me as he's ever been.

Day 5: I finished my journaling yesterday, and I had great intentions to read a lot after the boys went to bed, but that's not what happened. I lay down and fell fast asleep around 7:30. I slept for 11 hours and 30 minutes. I woke up relaxed just before 7 a.m. as Josh was taking a shower after getting home from the gym. I showered, put on some comfortable clothes, and spread white sparkle on my eyelids. We took Oliver to school and then went to Lowe's for a shower knob (ours had cracked) and a cheap leaf blower for the back yard. ]Then, we got groceries. That was expensive as always. Our chickpea pasta arrived in the mail, so I plan to cook with it this week and see what we think of it. I read a few poems from The Art of Losing to Josh in the car. I'd like to finish the book this week. Next, we're going to read Bittersweet, a nonfiction book on the positive aspects of being melancholy. 

Back at home, we cuddled and rested. I wrote a little while he napped. Either my general fatigue has faded, or my body was satisfied with the amazing sleep I got last night. We did yoga and ate lunch together. Josh went to work, and I wrote a little more before going to the library to pick up a couple of holds, including yet another Sharon Olds book (I thought I had them all!). I picked up Oliver from school and dropped off a great many snack bags of chips for one of their end-of-the-year celebrations next week. Josh went to Party City after work and bought glow sticks for another school celebration. He's taken time off for some of those events next week. 

I sent five poems to a magazine I'm determined to infiltrate. The editor recently sent me a rejection but invited me to submit again, so I did so today, the first day of a new submission period. He will get used to seeing my name. 

Oliver does not like Josh's leaving the house, especially through the back door. Josh wanted to work on the yard this afternoon, so I prepared Oliver for hours in advance: "Later, Daddy is going to go in the back yard alone with the weed eater and the leaf blower and clean up the yard. You and I will stay inside. It will be loud. It will take a little while, and then, Daddy will come back inside." I told him this three times. When Josh was ready, he left through the front door (less traumatic) and walked around to the back yard. Oliver watched from the sliding door, and he did just fine. His receptive language (what he understands) seems to be a lot more advanced than his expressive language (what he says), and he really handles things pretty well if we prepare him well. We were worried about how Josh would take care of the yard this summer (he usually does it while Oliver is at school), but it seems like that will be fine. 

I've done all my exercises today except for squats, which I've added to my daily routine this week. I think I'm getting some muscle in my arms. I've started doing at least a little yoga almost every day. I've stayed under my calorie goal (sometimes too far under) for a couple of weeks now. I'm 2 pounds down, and I'll weigh again this weekend. I'm hoping that I'll have to make an exception to my NoBuy to get a pair of smaller jeans before the year ends. 

Day 6: Thursday. I received a form rejection for a story, so I sent out another story to another magazine. I still have 123 pieces pending. Who knows?

I had the day to myself, but I was in an odd mood. I made pasta salad with the chickpea pasta; it turned out fine. I journaled. I napped a little in the gloomy day. I listened to Corinne Bailey Rae as I got ready. I didn't feel like putting on makeup (shock), so I just applied some glitter and some red Fresh Sugar Icon lip gloss. I listened to The Fixed Stars in the car and picked up Oliver. When Josh got home, I read some of An Acceptable Time to the boys. We only have 50 pages left. Maybe we can finish it this week. 

Day 7: Friday. Today was a bit more productive. I did my journaling, napped for an hour, and did laundry and housework. I wore lavender jeans, a light pink ruffled tank top with a tiny black heart print, baby pink glitter shoes, and princess (crown and scepter) earrings. Again, I didn't feel like putting on makeup, so I just wore some Urban Decay pink and gold highlighter on my eyelids and some Fresh Sugar Bloom lip shimmer. That may become my general summer look.

The afternoon brought a little sunshine. I wanted to soak it all up. I've been a little sick to my stomach, so I'm not eating much. Tomorrow, if I remember, I'll weigh myself and see if I've lost any weight this week. I just hope I haven't gained--though that seems impossible. But I could be building muscle more quickly than I'm burning fat. I'm looking forward to having a new middle number, but that's a ways off. 

Oliver had a good day at school. His teacher sent home all his school stuff, so they really are done with academics. Next week is all fun. Josh got home earlier than I expected today, and we sat on the back steps together in unexpected sunlight.

Josh and I are making plans to go to Asheville in August for a half marathon. We're going to try to make a romantic weekend of it. It will be our first trip since New York and likely our only trip this year. I want Josh to have something to look forward to and work toward, and I want something to look forward to as well. I found a condo in downtown Asheville; we could walk to the race. I see myself lounging at the condo or browsing in shops and then waiting for Josh at the finish line. The race is in the morning, so we'll have the rest of the day to rest and explore. By then, we will have gotten summer pay for Josh's class and/or new position, so we'll be able to enjoy some good food, and we won't have to worry too much about gas. We haven't been to Asheville together since we were dating. 

All the days of May have been good overall: joyful or passionate on my mood tracker. I hope that continues.

Stillness & Attention: Week 17.

Day 1: I am very sick today. My senses of smell and taste are still gone. I caught a hint of Cherry Merlot hand soap and thought they were back. But that only lasted for a second. I'm not eating much because I can't taste anything. I muscled through a cup of brown rice for dinner. I'm still testing negative for COVID. 

I haven't been able to read, but I did scribble five pages in my journal today. I wanted to finish my current journal this week, but that's not going to happen.  Josh is doing a little better. I rested in bed (but couldn't sleep) while he took Oliver to the park. I feel like I'm just trying to exist. Amazingly, I'm not depressed--just exhausted and ill. I haven't made progress with anything. But Josh and I did do some yoga. I'm ending the day with Ambien and melatonin. 

Day 2: Sunday. I was going to wash my hands, put on a mask, and go to the library today to return books and pick up holds, but it's closed for the Dogwood Festival. I tested negative for COVID again; surely, it would have shown up by now. I catch momentary sensory details--a hint of lilac body spray, a tiny echo-taste of tomato. But smell and taste are still mostly gone. I've started taking Mucinex, and I'm coughing a little. 

My guess is that I have strep and a sinus infection. I'm still congested and a little out of it, but I feel much better than I did yesterday. Hopefully, the antibiotics are doing their work and getting me over this. I'm going to try to get back to my normal pursuits though they seem overwhelming. I'm starting Olga Dies Dreaming by Xochitl Gonzalez. I don't remember the recommendation that led me to the book, so I have no idea what to expect. 

I also don't know what to expect of next week. I haven't heard from Oliver's school about whether or not it will be in person. Josh has therapy and a longish stretch of work tomorrow. 

Oliver had a mini meltdown at the park. We had to navigate taking him to a restroom as the rec center was closed. Sundays are complicated because of that. 

Day 3: Oliver did go back to school, and Josh and I spent some time together this morning. We did yoga again. I look forward to it now. I prepared a submission, but the submission form wasn't working, so I'll have to try that again later. I think I'm mostly past being sick. I've been neglecting most of my habits and goals while sick, so I hope to get back to normal this week. I did go to the library and pick up some holds. I accidentally held an audio book instead of a paperback, so I may try to listen to that in the car.

Day 4: I took a walk in my neighborhood this morning while listening to the original Broadway cast recording of Tootsie. I worked with 5-pound weights, which I'm trying to do most days. I'm sore from doing weighted side bends a couple of days ago. Josh and I got to spend some time together this afternoon. We picked up Oliver together and took him to OT, but he became very upset and wanted to go home. He's fine now; I don't know what that was about, but it was his second mini meltdown in three days. That is unsettling.

A storm is rolling in. I'll have to turn on the lamps early. I'm glad to be at home with my family. Tomorrow, Josh and I will get groceries and spend the morning together. Oliver only has 3 1/2 weeks of school left. Summer will be very different for us. I just hope Josh and I find time to spend together. Spring break was a bit of a trial run, but strep complicated it. 

Day 5: Groceries are expensive. But we won't have to buy much next week. I got soy sauce and lots of vegetables to make veggie fried rice this week. I've decided to make a real effort to lose weight. I restarted my MyFitnessPal account. 1,200 calories a day seems absurd, but I'm trying for it. Josh and I did yoga again, and I did weights and the ab series I learned in my college ballet class. 

I finished a journal today and started my beautiful Paperblanks Poetry in Bloom Grande journal. 

I went back to the library to pick up a stray hold: Smoke, poems by Dorianne Laux. I also got a couple of graphic novels and checked out The Only Good Indians again as I didn't get to it last time. The library employee said she had just read it. I told her I had read My Heart Is a Chainsaw, which was crazy and crazy good. 

Day 6: I had a stretch of time alone this morning, and I stayed busy. I finally got back to reading my Daily Bible, and I read many poems from A Fortune for Your Disaster aloud. I did some scribbling in my big journal. I made fried brown rice with riced cauliflower, broccoli, sugar snap peas, sweet peas, corn, baby corn, carrots, and red peppers. It turned out well. I did weights and the ab series. I organized stickers and used them to decorate a top-spiral journal. Then, I went for a 1.25-mile walk near home while listening to the original cast recording of Starlight Express. Josh was able to come home early, so we had a little time together before he picked up Oliver from school. 

This afternoon, I finally sent a submission. I sent formal poems that I wrote way back as an undergrad. I've received two rejections in the last couple of days. Despite illness and subsequent falling off track, I've sent out 93 pieces this month. I still have a lot of poems and a few stories to send. I'll return to sending a submission each day. I was doing so well with all my habits, and now, I wonder how I kept up with everything! But I'll get back on track. 

I need to reestablish good habits while Oliver is still in school because keeping up in summer will be tougher. The hardest times will be the last couple weeks of May, when Josh will have long admin days. Oliver gets out of school on May 20, so it'll just be us at home. Josh may have fairly heavy summer work too; we should find out about that soon. 

But Josh is taking tomorrow off, so we'll have the whole school day alone together! I'm so excited about that. We'll probably mostly stay in bed--he'll nap, and hopefully, I'll read and do writing work. I do kind of wish I could nap during the day when I want to. Sometimes I can rest happily for a while. 

I found a possible market for my book! It's kind of a hard sell as a YA fantasy novella, but I want to give this market a shot. So I'll be polishing the book over the next couple of weeks. 

Day 7: This was a great day. Josh and I spent the whole school day together. We did yoga and watched two episodes of Documentary Now. We don't often watch shows together. Josh took a nap, and I rested and actually slept for about twenty minutes! We talked a lot and didn't really accomplish anything, which was nice. 

In the evening, I went to Barnes with Bruce. We walked around for over two hours, looking at books and talking about what we'd like to read. I checked the library for some books. We talked about books we may read together. I saw so many great new journals! I need a big ol' Barnes gift card. I'd saved calories for a grande caramel macchiato. 

I had the idea that for our birthday celebration and gifts (our birthdays are June 15 and June 17), Bruce and I could go to Barnes again and buy books we want to read together! We've read over forty books together though not lately. I'd love to get back to that. 

When I got home, Josh was waiting for me. 

Stillness & Attention: Week 16.

Day 1: I sent nine poems to a journal that will likely take several months to get back to me. I have 100 poems under consideration. I finished Cathy Smith Bowers's A Book of Minutes and started her Traveling in Time of Danger. It's strange that she has a Collected Poetry when she is still alive and presumably still writing. When I first saw the book, I was worried. But apparently, she's still teaching in the Queens MFA program.

I'm now in August in my Daily Bible. I'm ready for the New Testament.  

Day 2: I've been to two parks today, and now, I'm tired. I read some of AAT to both boys and some of the Running book to Josh while we sat on a hill more dirt than grass.

I sent out five poems this morning, somewhat comical ones, all from my chapbook The Queen, the City. I received two rejections in the last two days, both a little disappointing--one because my work has appeared there before and the other because it was for a themed call and I thought what I sent fit well. Oh well. Both said I should submit again later, so I'll wait a couple of months and do that. 

I decided to revise my poetry collections even though they're currently under consideration with publishers. I started with Little Droughts and Hurricanes, the much-evolved version of my masters thesis. I cut seven poems that just belong elsewhere. I hope this tightens the manuscript. I'm also thinking about merging one complete chapbook with another chapbook idea. I figure I'll revamp my books once a year as I continue to send them out. Responses typically take several months. I have an idea of where to send LD&H next. I'm going to try to publish more of the poems in the chapbooks before I submit the chapbooks for publication again. I have a lot of work to do. 

I finished Cathy Smith Bowers's Traveling in Time of Danger. I've started reading The Truth about Magic by Atticus for some lighter poetry and visual engagement. I should finish it quickly. I only have about 75 pages left in Snow White and Rose Red. I'll try to finish that tomorrow. But I really need to be focused on The Personal Librarian and The Storied Life of A. J. Fikry, both of which are late. I also need to finish The Paris Library, read a Proust graphic novel (I figured it would be a good introduction to Proust, whom I've never read), and read a story collection called Cities I've Never Lived In. Those three books are due soon. I have some holds coming in next week, so I need to get square with the library. I'm struggling a little with attention. 

Meanwhile, I'm three and a half months into my NoBuy year. What I want most right now is a set of The Phantom of the Opera prints by Annie Stegg. I also want her one of her books and some of her other prints. She's a new favorite artist. But I'll get something of hers for Christmas or next year. In the meantime, I'll keep looking at her beautiful paintings online.

Day 3: I'm writing with a Pentel Krazy Pop Electric Watermelon pen, dark green with red glitter. 

I finished editing an old story (one I like) and sent it to a speculative journal. If it gets rejected, I may ask the editor of the magazine I read for to help me figure out revision. He looks at one story a month for staff members. This story was shortlisted (meaning it got through the first round of reading though not the final round) for another magazine, so it must have some merit. It has one great scary moment that I need to extend somehow. 

Day 4: I'm writing with a Krazy Pop Cotton Candy Bliss pen, pink with blue glitter.

I sent six poems to a magazine today; it's a magazine that Duotrope doesn't list, so I'll have to rely on my handwritten records. We went to the park for a while. It was sunny and windy. I read more of Running to Josh; we only have about 35 pages left.

Day 5: I finished Fate by Ai this morning: rough but good poems. I'll read more of Ai's books, whatever I can get through the library. I've started a check-out list on the library's website, and I can easily place holds from that list. I have a lot of poetry in transit! Now, I just need to finish as many books as I can and return them. I have five books ready to go back. One of them is the Proust graphic novel, which Josh said he might read. I'm starting A Fortune for Your Disaster, poems by Hanif Abdurraqib.

I sent a piece of flash fiction to a magazine. This story almost made it into another magazine many years ago. I remember the editor's sending me the longest, most encouraging rejection I've ever received. I submitted work to him three more times, and that fourth time, he published the story! I've actually only published two stories. I'm much more experienced (and well-read) as a poet than as a short fiction writer.

Day 6: Today was a mess. Actually, it went pretty well under the circumstances. Josh has had a sore throat for a couple of days, and I my throat started hurting last night. I figured we must have strep. Josh went to urgent care in the morning and tested positive for strep. When he got back, I went to urgent care. My test was negative, but the doctor saw patches in my throat and prescribed antibiotics anyway. I'm pretty sure I have strep. 

When I got back, we took Oliver to the doctor. Oliver can't tell us if his throat hurts, but he hasn't shown any signs of being sick. His strep test was negative. So we'll just watch him. Josh and I are on amoxicillin and 24-hour Sudafed, but we still feel pretty rough. I suddenly realized that I couldn't smell anything--not a scented candle, not a Wallflower, not my shampoo. Then, my sense of taste went too. We did two kinds of at-home rapid tests, both negative. If I test negative again tomorrow, we may need to find a testing site to do a PCR. Do those still exist? Everyone is acting like the pandemic is over. I didn't do much reading or send a submission today. I did start A Fortune for Your Disaster, poems by Hanif Abdurraqib.

Day 7: We had a home inspection today, which was stressful. Just acting well was hard (we did tell the person that we were sick before she came, and I wore my N95). But our house looks great, and we are tired. I'm not even looking forward to going to bed because I don't think I'll feel better. I feel like I have a sinus infection--all that pressure in my face. 

Luckily, Oliver has been in a good and chill mood. I've done a ton of laundry, and our beds are fresh. Again, I haven't been able to read or do writing work. I sent five extra submissions last week, so I'm still ahead. I'm giving up on some library books that need to go back. I also have some books waiting at the library, including a YA fantasy and some Sharon Olds poetry. I'm worried that being sick will make me lose all my momentum. But I just have to give myself grace. A hot bubble bath sounds good. I already miss the taste of Dr. Pepper.