Stillness & Attention: Week 5.

Day 1: Today, I woke up at the more-acceptable time of 5:20 a.m. I finished reading Mapping the Interior. 3 stars. I might have given it more if I hadn't already read My Heart Is a Chainsaw, which amazed me (5 stars). 

I continued work on our taxes and found that we owe a hefty amount. Apparently, the college wasn't taking taxes out of Josh's testing pay. So no new car is happening any time soon, and I'm holding off on filing until we've saved enough to pay the taxes. This is quite discouraging, especially since we just had to replace our dryer. But the NCSEAA did send Oliver's grant money to his school, so we're not also trying to juggle tuition. This seems to be another validation of our ABA decision.

I found that one of the CookUnity mealies was open and leaking in the fridge. So that's a point against CU, and I won't be eating blackened catfish with warm potato salad. 

I've been writing today with a sample of Diamine's Inkvent Polar Glow ink. The pen I flushed (after the great Robert Oster ink clog) is working fine again. I plan on using a dip pen in RO ink. 

My February janner arrived yesterday, so I've been setting it up. I'm hoping February will be a little more stable than January has been, both internally and externally. Only two more days remain in this month. I don't really go anywhere, so I won't see the Valentine's Day decor, but I'll know it's there. We have a rose velvet heart in lieu of a wreath on our front door. When people try to visit us, they say, "Do you have a heart on your door?" Yes, and a giant golden snowflake over the porch. Hearts and snowflakes are always stylish to me.

I really want to put fairy lights up in our room, maybe around the window. But I don't have any loose ones, so that will have to wait. I loved falling asleep in the glow of the Christmas tree. Right now, I see the flicker of a cinnamon candle on the mantle.

I finished The Unswept Room in bed. That's book 12 for the month and year. It's also book 850 total! I shouldn't have much trouble getting to 1,000 books by my fortieth birthday.

Day 2: I'm writing with Diamine's Inkvent Jack Frost ink. The shimmer actually showed up in the photo!

Today, I've tried the CookUnity garlic butter chicken with broccolini and the cod with jasmine rice. Both were pretty good. So far, I'm still liking Factor the best of the meal plans I've tried. But CookUnity has a ton of choices, including some good seafood, which is harder to find. 

We found out yesterday that Oliver's school will be virtual this coming week because someone connected with the school has COVID. We don't know more than that. But this means Oliver will be at home for nine days in a row. Poor guy. That also means Josh and I will have to get all our alone time while Oliver is sleeping. 

I'm thinking about my ink collection. I have a small drawer full of ink bottles in their boxes and more in a purple glitter box on top of my desk. I'm wondering if I can clear out some of my home school drawer to make more ink space. I'd like to move down what's in my other small top drawer (Prisma Color pencils, stationery, tape, thumbtacks, and such) so both small drawers can hold ink. 

I'm in another race against library deadlines. I have about twelve days to finish several books. Let's see what I can do. I've read very little today, but I did finish reading chapter 3 of Swiftly Tilting Planet to the boys. I accomplished a couple other tasks today. I ran more laundry, cleaned up my nest (my chair and ottoman, always covered in books and notebooks), cleared some space for my ink in the other small desk drawer, and wrote two letters and a thank-you note.

Day 3: I slept until 7:30 today! That was nice. Josh kindly took over morning meeting with Oliver. He also picked up Oliver's school binder after a newspaper interview on Charles Chestnutt (on whom Josh sort of accidentally became an expert after randomly finding his journals at City Center Books downtown). I worked on reading for the magazine. I did some cleaning and did a math worksheet with Oliver. He doesn't understand much of what he's doing, but he's mostly cooperative. 

My poem, "Wendy," came out today in Gingerbread House Literary Magazine. Check out the great art the editors included! I wrote the poem about eleven years ago, and now it's out in the world. I'm excited about this publication, and I've been waiting for it. I'll have another poem in the summer issue. I volunteered to be a beta tester for creative writing activity series my friend and former MFA classmate created. With Oliver home, I may not get to it until next week, but it will be fun. 

The peppermint hot chocolate candle is burning, and I'm drinking too much Dr. Pepper. Oliver is eating vanilla wafers. We have a lot more work to do. I read chapter four of STP to him and Josh before Josh left for work. I'm trying to read one chapter each day, which should be easier this week since Oliver will be home. Today will be a short work day because Josh and I are going to Mystery Science Theater 3,000 Live at DPAC tonight. My mom will arrive later to keep Oliver for the night. I made the mistake of telling Oliver Marmee was coming, so he's been looking out the study windows for her. 

I won't have a lot of time for reading today, but I've got to make some progress with The Paper Palace, which looks like it might be quite good. I'll be keeping library books late again. I hate breaking small rules. I have a hold ready (The Ocean House, stories), so I'll probably go to the library tomorrow. I have a couple of books to return...check out one and return two!

Oliver and I just did some math "goal work." We worked on number cards; he knows 1-10 pretty well, and we're trying to get 11-15. I was pleased that he recognized most numbers on a different set of cards, this set handwritten. We attempted some hand-over-hand number writing with a marker on a laminated sheet, but that was a bit of a mess. I don't think Oliver will learn to write. I wonder if he could learn to type some words eventually. His IEP team recommended shifting from hand writing to typing. I never realized that the letters on a keyboard are lowercase, which is harder for him to recognize.

Day 4: Josh and I went to MST3k last night. We also met and had dinner with Josh's friend and his daughter. I ate thai fried rice with shrimp. The show was lots of fun. We both did a good bit of laughing out loud. The actors and puppeteers were quite talented. It was a late night; I took over the last 20 minutes of driving around midnight. We probably won't do that kind of thing again. 

I have not read or scribbled today.  

Day 5: Last night, I got into a deep and frightening depression. A couple of old friends reached out to me, and I need to let them. I don't know why I exist. I've got to rethink how I open and express myself. I need to avoid making any serious decisions right now. I finally took ibuprofen PM and melatonin, took a bubble bath, and went to sleep. Sometimes, a bath and sleep are all I can do to feel better. 

I found out today that we will probably not be able to renew Oliver's financial aid for next year. His eligibility determination has expired (I didn't know this), and renewal requires public school testing. We probably can't get that testing by the deadline, and the public schools don't want to interact with children who won't or can't wear a mask. I've already told his school that we want a spot for next year. I guess we'll just have to keep the old car and hope that God provides for tuition. I'm already holding off on some dental work I need. I've looked into full-time work, but with Oliver's erratic schedule (and his needs that are beyond babysitters), I don't know how I could work full-time. Still, I'll probably apply for an open position at the local community college. It would mean losing my disability benefits, most importantly my Medicare. I probably should just home school Oliver until the pandemic ends (if it does) since he won't be able to attend public school without a mask. 

I'm currently eating a Lindt truffle. This seems like a good move.

It does look like the ESA funds for this semester are coming. It won't fully cover spring tuition as I hoped, but it will help. I have to go through an approval process once I get an updated statement from the school. I've been E-mailing someone who is going to look into Oliver's eligibility for next year; it's at least worth a try.

I looked back at my files from last year, and I think I do have the eligibility determination document I need! I don't know how to update it with NCSEAA, so I've E-mailed the program. Maybe I'll be able to resolve this with help. The school system staff person I've been E-mailing has been incredibly kind, responsive, and helpful. I sent an E-mail to her boss. I hope she gets recognition if not a raise. Thank God for nice people, especially the ones who don't bite my head off when I'm clueless. I need to invest in some chill; I'm naturally a snappy person, and I used to be really critical of Josh. I try, now, to be quiet unless it really matters...without silencing myself all together. It's not an easy balance for me.

So as you know, I'm crazy about Valentine's Day--not really the holiday itself or the romance but the style and decor. Well, I stumbled upon this Valentine's Day fountain pen on Goulet Pens. It's a stunner. Look at that heart-shaped glitter! Josh says I need a Valentine's Day present. The pen isn't actually out yet, but I'm on the notification list...maybe by the time it comes out, I will have resolved the financial aid issue and saved enough to pay our taxes!

Josh has continued to take care of Morning Meeting online. God bless him. Tomorrow, Josh will be teaching at that time. Putting on eyeliner before 8:30 a.m. will probably be good for me.

I finished updating my January janner last night. My habits page doesn't look great. "10 Things" is my way of getting myself to clean up at least ten things every day--even if one is just hanging up a shirt. I did get 27 DREAM streaks across 9 boards! No black-outs, but it's still pretty good. I finally finished decorating my February janner and making my DREAM boards. I accomplished nothing yesterday (no highlighting, no stickers for me), but I can still make this a good month. 

I did talk to my therapist yesterday; she agrees that I have a chemical imbalance right now. I'll just keep taking my meds and follow my new dosage. Josh picked up some prescriptions for me. He's always so willing to run errands. Today, he got groceries (we couldn't go together since Oliver is home. We don't take Oliver to stores right now because he's a bit unpredictable and he doesn't wear a mask) and changed the air filters. He also gave me a massage last night when I was in the depths of despair.

Day 6: I'm wearing my lock and key charm bracelet today. 

Yesterday, I took an hour-long walk and used my small weights for arm workouts. I also realized that I am probably in a mixed state. I'm depressed but also impulsive and full of venom. I haven't spent money though. I did call my brother yesterday, and we talked about graphic novels, TV shows, and movies. I'm thinking that when Josh takes Oliver to the park, I'll go for walks and/or call James.

At least I've been writing today. I'm terribly behind on reading. I hope to go to the library today to pick up holds. I have a couple of books to return. I need to leave the house more. I think I'll have an easier time next week when Oliver is back in school and Josh and I have more time together. I doubt I'll read ten books this month as I'm nowhere near finishing anything now. I'm trying to give myself grace and give my new dosage a chance to work. My moods, so far, are continuing in an erratic pattern like that of January. In the first six days of January, I experienced all six of the moods I chart.

I did Morning Meeting online today, and I have more school work to do with Oliver. He has a new classmate. I haven't heard back from the NCSEAA about Oliver's eligibility determination. One E-mail could radically alter a year of our lives. And if we lose financial aid now, who knows when we'll get back in the running?

Today, the world is warm and gloomy. I'm sore and crabby and a little dizzy. I'm looking forward to Josh's getting home. Sometimes his touch seems like the only comfort I can experience. Oliver is eating fish sticks like crazy--he ate twenty-three of them yesterday. Josh's recent interview appears in an article on Charles Chestnutt, an important Black writer who spent a lot of time in our city of Fayetteville.

I feel scraped raw--brain and heart and parts of my body. A mixed state is the worst extremes of bipolar disorder conjoined. Josh has given me my only moments of peace today. I hope we can spend some time together after Oliver goes to bed. I read a few pages of STP to the boys until I realized Josh was asleep. Reading something was kind of nice. I want to read The Paper Palace, but I don't feel like I can lift my arms. Oliver is stomping and jumping and laughing and babbling, and I hurt. I just want a bath and bed and Josh. I can't find stillness, and my attention vibrates with dissonance. February 1 was depressed, February 2 was anxious, and today is exhausted. I know this has been a long week. Maybe next week will be better. 

I did go to the library to return two books and check out four holds. I have a mountain of books waiting, and I can't open one. I want hot water to consume me. Josh just lit the peppermint hot chocolate candle. Oliver is starting to wind down a little. Maybe this terrible clenching in my upper body will stop. 

I usually reserve this blog for wellness and keep illness to its sister blog. But my mental health influences my spending and my reading and vice versa, so I guess it's relevant. These posts have become more like a diary than I expected. 

Today had a couple of wins though: I showered, dressed, and put on makeup (including blush and eyeliner); started a load of laundry; and went to the library. Josh says he'll go work out tomorrow after Morning Meeting, so maybe I'll get some time with him before Oliver wakes up.

Day 7: Five weeks in. I haven't spent money on myself, and I've read twelve books. I'd like to be further along with the reading, but I'm still ahead for my goal.

So far today, I feel a lot better. Last night, I took a bubble bath, read a little, spent some time with Josh, and slept well--restoration. I'm writing with a sample of Diamine Red Lustre ink--crimson with gold shimmer. 

I'd love to do lettering, but I don't think I have the talent for it. I almost took a calligraphy class last year. Maybe I'll still do that someday. 

I was hoping to hear from the NCSEAA today, but that seems unlikely. I'll have to wait until Monday. But the deadline is still two weeks away, so I have a little time left. I hope it will be an easy fix. I'm a little bummed that the ESA turned out to be about $2k less than I expected. At least it will cover a lot of the remaining tuition. 

Josh bought me a Valentine's Day present. Two. They are pink and sparkly, and I can't wait to see them. I'm glad I'll get to acknowledge the loveliness of Valentine's Day! We don't usually exchange Valentine's Day presents since our anniversary is so near, but I'm for it this year. I have a few ideas for Josh. 

I returned some pants I'd bought for Josh. They ended up having an elastic waist (weird if you have to tuck in a dress shirt) and looking more like chef's pants than dress pants. Anyway, Amazon issued my refund as a gift card, so I can't use that money for tuition, taxes, a car, or anything else. So I used it to buy ink (Diamine Peacock Flare) and color-changing fairy lights for our bedroom. I want to sleep under twinkle lights! I hope Josh will help me put them up around the big window in our room. I'll probably set them to white, blue, or green...maybe multi-color sometimes. What I miss most about Christmas time are candles, Christmas scents (cinnamon!), and lights. So I'll just carry them on through the year!

Now, I'm writing with Diamine Moon Dust: gray-blue with silver shimmer.

My E-loan of Fire: Tales of Elemental Spirits expires in a couple of days; I'm going to try to finish it. Paper Palace is due on Monday, so I'm hoping I can finish both books this weekend. I have more books due on the 10th, but I won't be returning those on time. I have another hold waiting for me. I'll probably never catch up with myself, but trying is a fun challenge.

My mood remains good. Evenings are usually harder. But maybe if I keep myself busy, I won't get down. I may put stickers in another New York journal tonight. Playing with my stickers almost always puts me in a good mood. I gather these comforts to me in tiny bouquets like nosegays. My next challenge is to take a shower. That still feels like a big task. I haven't gone a day without a shower in a long time though. Sometimes, Josh talks to me while I shower. When Oliver isn't here, I listen to music. Sometimes I don't make it into the shower until right before bed. But I get there.

The peppermint hot chocolate candle burned out; I'm going to light Crushed Candy Cane. My candle stores are not going to last! Maybe I'll request candles for my birthday. I'll be turning thirty-seven, which will leave me with three years to complete my goals. I need to do another check-in on my 40 Before 40 list soon. I haven't made great progress since the last check-in. I haven't placed in a writing contest...but I have entered a chapbook contest twice! 

I'd like to get back to sending submissions, but it seems pretty overwhelming. My novella is almost ready for the agent query process. I just need to revise my synopsis and cover letter, and these seem like massive tasks. I do have good feedback, though, from author Emily Colin, with whom I took a YA novel-writing class online last year. One goal I have for this month is to set up my website (which I consider a professional expense rather than a fun spend) as Emily urged us to have one in action before the querying process. I'll need Josh's help with that! I also need him to proofread the third draft of my novella...you're not busy; are you, darling?

Restoration: Week 46.

I'm almost done with my Christmas shopping! Something about shopping for others is restorative, and it's guilt-free shopping! Everything is laid out by person on the guest bed, waiting for wrapping.

We had so much rain this past week. I should be more thankful for it--it renews.

I've had some symptoms of mania this past week. I saw my psychiatrist on Friday, and he made a few changes to my meds. I hope the changes will restore me.

I finished Best New Poets 2008. I'm so glad that I've kept the ritual of reading poetry aloud each night. It soothes me and presses me firmly into the moment.

Bruce and I finished watching season 1 of American Horror Story. We've been so excited about the show, and we have six seasons left! I love how it makes me feel glad, exuberant. 

I've been lighting candles during the day. Just watching a flame dance through the frosted glass restores me. And the wood wick candles have a comforting crackle.

Restoration: Week 19.

I read a lot of poetry this past week. I think it keeps me healthy somehow. It certainly makes me think in unusual ways.

Bruce and I have watched most of Electric Dreams, based on Philip K. Dick stories. Every episode has been good. Science fiction makes me think about what it means to be human...or even sentient. I like sharing those thoughts with Bruce without even talking.

I wrote a flash fiction piece a few days ago! It restored a little of my confidence in my ability to write. Josh and Bruce both liked the story.

I wen to my psychiatrist and had my medication adjusted. I hope this small change will restore my peace of mind and remind me how to be free.

A Bold Reader: New Year, Week 2.

Books surround me, both literally and figuratively. Reading is both a joy and a matter of responsibility to my own mind. I want to stretch and strengthen my mind and my reading. Each serves the other.

I finished reading Mental by Jaime Lowe. I learned about lithium and about how bad manic delusions can get. My own grandiosity and delusions have been relatively mild--at least, that's what I think. As I told Bruce, I could touch the edge of Lowe's narrative, seeing who I could have become and still may become. Though I've never seriously wanted to go off my meds, this book reminds me why I must not. Mental is also my first finished book of 2018! I hope to pick up the pace and finish a book once a week.

I'm still working on my other books--I need to make more time for them. I've read two weeks' worth of the Bible. And I'm reading poetry in the bath every night--candle, bubbles, and three books of verse make a good nightly ritual. And though I usually only read one poem for each book per night, I will finish them eventually.

Though I don't really need to add books, I'm going to replace Mental with French Women Don't Get Fat. A few years ago, I had no interest in the book, but now, I'm trying (not very hard!) to lose weight. Plus, it's a French lifestyle book! I did like Guiliano's Women, Work, and the Art of Savoir Faire. I just love anything about living like a French person. My parents have me Entre Nous many years ago; that's probably how the obsession started.

Some of my GoodReads friends have already read three books this year! I have some catching up to do.

Loving What I Have.

For much of our marriage, Josh and I have been broke. I have plenty of memories of more prosperous points. One of my favorites is of eating take-out Panera every Sunday on our huge balcony in Charlotte. I remember the fun of shopping for work clothes at Loft with my mom and of buying journals wherever I found special ones. Right now, we're leveled because I'm too sick (or would quickly become too sick) to work, Josh can't find supplementary work (and he's working hard already), we all have hundreds of dollars in prescription and doctor copays, Oliver is starting new autism treatment, and more.

I love shopping. To me, it's more like curating areas of my life. I love choosing writing tools and makeup especially. I'm not fixated on clothes or furniture or home goods right now, though I've certainly been there with manic intensity (literally bipolar).

So. I have to focus more on loving what I already have. Only when I'm in a blaze of mania am I likely to buy something I won't love forever. Even then, it's rare. I have a lot of objects, but they are specific to me, chosen for my life or treasured as gifts. They help me be who I am and want to be, or they remind me of that.

I have writing tools to last a lifetime. I have enough journals and pens to last, though special tools will still go on my wish lists. Some of the journals are incredibly beautiful, and most have pages I've adorned with stickers, an easy way to add a little personalized beauty and magic. I have a ton of pens, and I use them. I alternate colors and match them to the journal's cover art.

I also have a lot of makeup. I've loved eye makeup for many years, but I've more recently been interested in lipstick too. Applying makeup is a reliably fun part of my day. Right now, I'm trying to create a different look every time I wear makeup--it helps me rediscover and make good use of what I have. Still, I have a wish list for makeup too, of course! I may even share it with you.