October Poetry Month: Week Two.

Day 1: I finally read The Hurting Kind by Ada Limon. I just love her. I've read all but one (maybe?) of her other books of poetry. I started reading her work (and she became a favorite) before she became US Poet Laureate. I discovered her in Raleigh last year at a tiny bookstore, starting with Sharks in the Rivers. The Hurting Kind is my favorite of her books, five stars! Two five-star poetry books so far this month? Awesome. I'd like to reread all of her books at once, maybe in April. I hope she'll publish many new books in quick succession now that she's so famous. Interestingly enough, she also teaches in Queens MFA program! All these connections. I told Josh that I didn't know if I could respond to Love & F*ck Poems, but he told me to take it as a challenge. So I wrote "Introduction," a poem about my first sexual experiences (spoiler: they weren't positive). It's not nearly as graphic as some of Dimitriadis's poems, but I think I captured some of her desperation. The poem also made me recognize a latent belief that had been fogging up the back of my mind and finally spilled into conscious thought. That's something to work on and perhaps something to explore further in poetry...or at least in my journal. I stayed up quite late reading The Hurting Kind. I read several poems aloud to Josh as he fell asleep, and I finished the book in the bathtub. When I couldn't get to sleep, I wrote another poem, this one called "Jar of Scorpions," after Limon's poem of the same name. 

Day 2: This day was a bust. I was intensely exhausted, partly from staying up too late reading and partly from an emotional onslaught. I think the beginnings of a mood episode or a fight with this respiratory infection going around may be contributed as well. I decided I'd have to be more careful about sleep. So, I didn't read a book of poetry or write a poem on this day, but I'm still going to catch up! Since I wrote two poems the day before, I'm not behind on writing, and I've already responded to the last book I read.

Day 3: My book of the day was Light at the Seam by Joseph Bathanti, another of my former professors. It's largely a book rural mountain environment poems. Bathanti captures place and demographics so well in all his writing that I've read. I'm not sure how I'll respond. But I did write a poem called "When You're Exhausted." This poem came from what I did today, tired as I was, and some advice people gave me through a Facebook post about physical and existential exhaustion. In another connection, Jessie gave me the last line of the poem. 

Day 4: I read Molly Peacock's The Analyst, a sort of love letter to her former psychoanalyst. Could I write a poem to my therapist or psychiatrist? Maybe. To catch up, I also read The Death of a Migrant Worker, a chapbook from Rattle. I don't know if I'll be able to respond to all these books, but I'll try. I didn't write a poem today, so I'm behind on that, but at least I'm caught up on reading. 

Day 5: My book of the day was Daniel Halpern's Something Shining. I didn't love it, and I don't know if I have a response to it, but I marked some lines I liked. I didn't write anything today, so I'm more behind. I hope to catch up this weekend as Oliver will be in Charlotte. 

Day 6: I wrote a poem called "October" based on texts Josh and I exchanged this morning. I read half of This Clumsy Living by Bob Hicok but didn't finish it. It was getting late, and I'm afraid of messing myself up again if I don't get enough sleep. I have new ideas for poems, though.

Day 7: I wrote two poems after Bob Hicok: "Ruth's Reply" and "This Is the Complete Shape of the World, an Inventory, a Map," which takes its title from one of Hicok's lines. I like to write a prompt for a poem in my journal (sometimes a title, sometimes first or last lines) at night and respond to them the next day. I finished Bob Hicok's This Clumsy Living. Hicok taught at Queens; I was in his large workshop once. I'm now only behind by one poem and one book of poetry. I've completed thirteen of each!

Stillness & Attention: Week 30.

Day 1: Saturday. I didn't wake up until 7:30! When I came downstairs, Josh was working out. I settled on my loveseat and read magazines. When Oliver woke up, Josh kindly took over the morning routine, so I read some more. Then, I cleaned and organized the top of my desk. Once again, it will still look cluttered to most people--I should have taken a before photo. But we got a bouquet of pink and purple flowers at the grocery store. 

We got a few more hoarding items: another 2.5 gallons of water, some more beans, canned tomatoes, brown sugar, and a canister of oatmeal. And more Gatorade--the store did have some! We also got blueberries, strawberries, grapes, and oranges as we're trying to eat more fruit. I got everything to make pasta salad soon. 

Today, the heat index was 105. We spent two hours at the splash pad. I applied and reapplied a lot of sunscreen, and I put blue glitter drops in it just because I felt like sparkling. I read a little more of Joyful to Josh though I don't think he's very interested. Josh and I each got in the water (lukewarm) to cool off. It helped for a few minutes. I had the idea to offer ice cream to Oliver, and it worked! So we went to Cold Stone Creamery. Oliver ate vanilla ice cream with chocolate chips. I had a small vanilla shake; I'd forgotten how delicious those were. 

We took showers, and I put on my favorite purple-striped pajamas. I've been writing with Van Dieman's Underwater Parrot Fish ink today. The photo doesn't show the blue shimmer well. It's similar to Diamine's Inkvent Blue Peppermint; they're two of my favorites.

I did twenty-five minutes of yoga in our room, and I felt better for it. I placed another purchase request with the library for a somewhat obscure collection of short stories. I've made four or five requests that are not yet on order, but the library has eventually ordered my requests every time in the past.

Day 2: Sunday. Today, I'm writing with Van Dieman's Night Aurora Australis, a shimmering burgundy. 

Oliver woke up at 2 this morning. Josh got him to stay in our bed until 4. I got up at 6 so Josh could go on his run. I settled in on the loveseat to read magazines. Oliver looked exhausted. I asked if he wanted to sit down, and he snuggled down beside me and fell asleep. We stayed that way until Josh got back (except for a quick bathroom break as I did not want Oliver to wet my loveseat). That's my secretary desk with jewel drawer pulls, my dotted bin full of library books, my stack of books waiting to go to 2nd & Charles, and my bookcase with short story collections and my pens. The two pink boxes contain rubber stamps, and the Ziplocs hold empty pens I'm sending to Terracycle. It's a cluttered corner, but I love everything in it. The study is becoming my favorite room.

When Josh got home, he built the little pink bookcase. It is indeed quite cheap (the back piece broke, so we left it off), but it is a pretty color. It has room for more books than my cabinet did, so I don't have to be so selective! Silver lining. I'll add more favorites soon. 

I've finished two books today, Unless It Moves the Human Heart and Kaleidoscope. Human Heart was brief and quite good. Kaleidoscope was a series of connected tales. I read it aloud to the boys. I'm counting it as my second short story collection. It was rather sad, especially for a young readers book, but I liked it. I gave both books four stars. I think Bruce would like Kaleidoscope. Actually, I think he'd like both books. Maybe for Christmas, we could give each other books we think the other ought to read. I doubt we'll be done with our birthday books yet since we've only read one!

I'd like to own all of Ada Limon's books. I do own Sharks in the Rivers and The Carrying. I've been on the holds list for The Hurting Kind for more than a month. I wish I could just buy it. I have Bright Dead Things checked out, but I'd like to have it in my home library. I've requested that the library purchase Lucky Wreck and This Big Fake World--no library in the Cardinal system has them! I'm hoping the library will buy them since she is now the US Poet Laureate. I'm excited that the USPL was already a favorite of mine! Well, eventually, I'll own all of her books.

Josh will have a late day on Friday because of the end-of-program party and clean-up. I hope I'll still get to make a quick trip to the library before it closes. 

We decided to say no to going to the park or splash pad today. It's even hotter than it was yesterday. Oliver seems to accept it and doesn't want to play outside. I decided to cancel the next three OT appointments. Getting myself and Oliver ready and out the door for OT alone is just too hard when he tends to melt down. In a few weeks, Josh should be able to take him, or we can take him together. I feel enormous relief over this decision. If we end up losing our spot, I won't be terribly concerned as we've considered discontinuing OT anyway. But his therapist thinks it will work out.  Josh and I cuddled on the crash pad for a little while. Oliver doesn't seem to mind our doing that. I plan to read A Knot in the Grain and Other Stories to the boys next. It's by my dear Robin McKinley, and it's another short story collection! 

Day 3: Monday. I did almost everything I wanted to do last night. I finished Bright Dead Things (three books for the day and five books for the week! I'm actually on track!), did the dishes, did twenty-six minutes of yoga, listened to The Testaments while I did yoga, took a shower, and read a story for the magazine. 

Today, I woke up before 6. Oliver hadn't woken up at all yet (he slept through the night!), and Josh was still asleep. I thought about going to the study, but I decided to go back to sleep for about an hour. I came downstairs, and Oliver was in the bath. Josh was working out in the bathroom. Josh went up to get ready, and I finished Oliver's morning routine. After Josh left for work, I managed a bit of a nap in the study (oh yes) while Oliver snacked, and I read a few magazine articles, which made me feel good about the day. I'm nearly done with the spring issue of Bella Grace. 

Bruce and I probably won't see each other for a couple of weeks. This week, Josh was his party. Next week, Bruce's family is visiting. But we should see each other the next week. And for the week after that...I bought tickets for us to see the summer teen production of Into the Woods at Cape Fear Regional Theatre! Is that breaking NoBuy? I'm thinking not because it's a gift to Bruce, it's an experience, and it's supporting local arts. You decide. I'm allowing it. CFRT is literally down the street from me, and I've lived within fifteen minutes of it for almost eleven years...yet I've never attended a show there. I will finally remedy that. I'm quite excited. And I'm determined that next season, we will go there to see Matilda. We had tickets to Matilda at DPAC but couldn't go for some reason, so we'll make up for that. 

I started reading The Writer's Library, a book I've been excited to read for weeks. Yes, it's late, and I need to return it on Friday. Oddly enough, I've only heard of a few of the writers the book features. But already, I've added quite a few books to my TBR list and my NoBuy list. I'll be checking the library eventually. I'm interested in the writers doing the interviews and in the writers they discuss. The first writer, Jonathan Lethem, is into sci-fi, so that's quite interesting. I really need to read more Philip K. Dick. Okay, I spent 99 cents on a Kindle collection of PKD's short stories. I may have also spent $1.99 on a memoir, Making Toast, by Roger Rosenblatt, the author of Unless It Moves the Human Heart. Yes, I could have checked the library. These were little cheats. They were cheap and quick impulse buys. But! I figure I can make up for it by using Amazon points for something we need instead of something I want. I'll do that. But one of the major reasons I'm doing NoBuy2022 is to learn how to wait. I need to remember that. That's part of stillness and attention. 

Speaking of waiting, I'm trying not to place any new holds for a while. I have so many books to read. I have books on my NoBuy list, books on my GoodReads to-read list, and books in my phone's photos. They're not going to disappear. One new hold is ready: a collection of Catherynne M. Valente's poetry. That's sure to be fascinating, and I always want to be in the middle of a book of poems. I'll check out those Alan Michael Parker books I don't have on Friday. I made an exciting discovery the other night: I own a Carmen Jimenez Smith book I haven't read! She's one of my favorite poets. I started the book, The City She Was, today. 

I did nap in my chair earlier. I've been very sleepy and hungry today, and I've had a headache. Edit: I realized later that I've cut out caffeine, which explains how I've been feeling. 

I haven't read enough today. I did catch up on some blogging; I've been terribly behind. I was relieved to realize that I'm not as behind on reading for the magazine as I thought I was. Suddenly, my arms are peeling from that sunburn a week ago. 

I never changed my calendar to July. I want to see the new Kinuko Y. Craft art. I did do the dishes, wash my hair, write in my journal, and clean out a container on Josh's desk today. I'm still trying to beautify the study. I've put up a couple more pretty things: two antique postcards and a sheet of blue cardstock on which Bruce and I wrote water-related words in blue and green marker at work back when I was obsessed with water (lithium will do that to you). 

Day 4: Tuesday. No OT today! Thank goodness. I just finished the spring issue of Bella Grace. I also read an article from Oh Reader and found another book I want to read. I can't wait to subscribe to the magazine. I want to subscribe to one other magazine next year...In Her Studio? Poets & Writers? Where Women Create? I'll look at some issues when I next go to Barnes. 

Oliver woke up around 2. Around 3, he was in our bed, taking up my space. So I moved to his bed. At some point, Josh got in Oliver's bed with me. Oliver slept past 9, so I had a nice morning. He had quite an accident, but his Good Nite saved our bed. After I bathed Oliver, I did a little yoga in the bathroom. I'll do a full session later.

The year is passing rather quickly. I'm relieved that the summer is moving quickly. I'm a little nervous about the new school year...will Oliver have the same teacher? Will he adjust easily? He asked for cookies today, and I took the opportunity to do a summer worksheet with him and then give him the cookies. If I do that every weekday, we should finish the packet in time. Yes, he eats cookies every day if we have them. I'm not sure what I'll use when we're out of cookies. He is crazy about nabs right now. He was barely aware of the worksheet, and it was all hand-over-hand, but at least he wasn't resistant. I did get him to say some of the alphabet. I keep telling myself that most of the people at school will already know and like Oliver, and he'll already know the place and most of the people. No one will expect him to be perfect. He's continued to do better with getting dressed: getting his feet into the two legs of his underwear and shorts, getting his shirt on front-side-front. I still have to hold everything out for him and orient it, but I didn't think he'd get this far. 

My friend at the organization for which I'm on the board of directors called me. We talked about some ideas for an upcoming event. I really like her. I thought more about the ideas later, and I really want to connect the organization (which serves adults with disabilities) with Oliver's school. They could really serve each other. So I texted my friend and sent a couple of E-mails to the school admin. I hope that works out. Josh had an orientation shift during the fun run event in a couple of weeks, but he was able to switch shifts, so we'll all be able to go for most of it. 

I've done very little reading today, alas. But I did catch up on blogging. I need to read for the magazine before I read anything else, and I need to do yoga. I can feel the tension creeping through me when I don't do yoga. I'm already hoping for a quiet morning tomorrow. I hope to do more reading and more organizing tomorrow too. 

Day 5: Wednesday. I didn't do everything I wanted to do today. I didn't put away laundry, do much reading, or work on organizing (the surface of) Josh's desk. I did, however, make pasta salad, unload the dishwasher, load the dishwasher, run a load of laundry, read a few magazine articles, read a bit from my library books, write enough, and do yoga. Most notably, I went through all my stickers and my craft drawers in the closet, cleaned out and reorganized my jam-packed-for-years craft trunk, threw away a ton of damaged or old supplies, found art to put up, and put together a giant donation box of craft supplies that someone picked up in the evening. I also went through all my stationery and put together a stationery donation box I plan to post tomorrow. 

I put up a piece of Josephine Wall art and a piece of Susan Branch art (from calendars--I save all my calendars but went through them today and only kept the pages I want) in the study--still trying to beautify the room as much as I can. I also pinned up a self-portrait I painted when I was sixteen; I found it in that trunk! The watercolor shows no talent, but I still like it. 

Oliver slept until 10, so I had a very nice morning to myself. I found some old ballons in my trunk. I blew up a tiny one, Josh blew up a bigger one during his lunch break, and Oliver and I played with them. Oliver seemed content to hang around or lounge in the bath while I worked on my projects. He usually seems happily if I'm in the middle of something active rather than sitting still reading or scribbling.

I've had a good couple of days, productive and happy.

Day 6: Thursday. Oliver did not sleep in today. We were all up at 5. Josh went for his run while Oliver and I did the morning routine. I was freezing, so I left the door to the bathroom open and curled under two blankets on the guest bed until Oliver said, "You [I] wanna get out [of the bath]." Then, while he snacked and played with his sheet protector (I just gave him the last fresh one we have--oh dear...I ordered more, but they won't be here until late on Friday), I wrote my to-do list (ambitious), scribbled, and read magazines. I finished the summer issue of Oh Reader! I watered my flowers, which are still doing pretty well. 

I refilled my pen with Van Dieman's Underwater Sea Shell ink, which is a lovely shimmering peachy orange, but some of the turquoise Parrot Fish ink remained. The result was a beautiful sea green with lavender shimmer. Unfortunately, though, the pen clogged and stopped writing. I need to do better about cleaning my pens. I ordered a bottle of Monteverde pen flush, which I consider a necessity as three or four of my pens have stopped writing. Again, yes, I need to do better about cleaning my pens between fills. The color was quite pretty though.

Ah, yes--before I did that, I noticed that, in sunlight, Aurora Australis has a bit of green sheen! I think I caught it in this photo. Those darker bits are green. Gorgeous. This swatch shows it better. 

The same girl who got the craft supplies is picking up the stationery. She'll know my house well. 

The OT order got approved, so that bill is covered! The school supply bill did not get covered, so I spent time reordering all of that. It turned out to be about $150 as I predicted, not counting housekeeping items like bleach wipes that we'll get later. I got Oliver Twistable crayons in addition to regular ones--I thought the plastic barrels might be less of a sensory annoyance. I also looked at lamps. We're going to need a third lamp in the living room when it starts to get dark earlier. I found one that takes five bulbs and has no other glass. We can anchor it behind the teal table, where Oliver will be less likely to tip it. 

I spent more time on The Writer's Library, which I'll try to finish tomorrow. 

Day 7: Friday. I'm really feeling pretty grand. I woke up a little before 5. Josh got paid today! He got paid more than I expected, so I paid down some debt, and we have some money in savings and some money in checking! We haven't been there for a while. I wrote the check to CFNC, and Josh signed it. I put it in the mail; we've paid off his undergraduate student loans. 

I did do yoga and listen to The Testaments last night. Now, it's 11:09, and I'm not even halfway through The Writer's Library. So I won't finish and return it today. I skipped reading magazines this morning. The book is quite good, and I'm constantly looking up titles that I want to read. 

I started another load of dark laundry. I wrote a poem called "Dark Laundry" not long ago. I loaded and ran the dishwasher.

I wrote down quotations from Unless It Moves the Human Heart, so it's ready to go back to the library. I put up three of my old (teenage years) collages in the study. I'm amazed at how well they've held up! I taped a few spots. Josh has a lot of pennants and hats up on that side, so I'm answering that with my own colorful busyness. I want the study to be a room for creative thought and creative absorption. I'd like to make more collages. 

I've never thoughts about space this much before, not since I was unpacking the house. Oh, I hope we don't have to move for years and years. I've cleaned out my purses and bags. I took out several shopping bags to put in the car. I took out a purse and a few tote bags and posted them on the BuyNothing group. That same girl came back again! Just one bag remains. 

Oh dear. Oliver wet our bed, and he got the duvet. Much laundry is ahead of me.

Stillness & Attention: Week 25.

Day 1: Saturday. We started the day early by getting ready and going to get groceries as a family. Oliver acted like he's been going to the grocery store for years! He only asked for donuts; he got those in lieu of his weekly McD hashbrowns. 

I changed into a hot pink Betsey Johnson dress with a wide ruffle and put on my birthday crown necklace. Bruce picked me up, and we listened to show tunes on the way to Durham. We arrived in plenty of time for our customary snack of soft pretzels and peanut M&Ms. I didn't expect to love Jesus Christ Superstar; the subject matter is rough, and I'm usually not crazy about concert-style musicals (I didn't love Hadestown at first). But it was awesome! So much talent was on that stage: incredible singing and such vigorous choreography. I was totally into it. 

I had a couple days last week Dr. Pepper started tasting normal again. It's tasted weird for most of about two months since I had strep. At first, I lost smell and taste completely, and I tested for COVID several times. But the weird taste came back. Bruce solved the mystery: it's the medication I started taking two months ago. It's an anti-depressant that also helps with weight loss. I forgot to put it in my pill box last week, so my taste returned to normal. I've also been having trouble reading, but last week, I read four books, two of them in one day each. My doctor told me that the medication might make me less "bright." So I'm going to try another week without the medication and see what happens to my weight loss, my taste, and my reading. Quicker weight loss doesn't make up for a loss of books and Dr. Pepper. Stayed tuned for that experiment. 

We got home a little earlier than usual since JCS didn't have an intermission, so I got to hang out with the boys before bedtime. I also read a little more of Wilder Girls. I only have a couple more days before summer begins, so this will be my last book for the spring YA focus. That will put me at eight YA books for the season. I'd prefer ten or twelve, but eight is okay. I'll still read the newest version of Anne Frank's diary soon. 

Day 2: Sunday. We had a quiet day at home. Oliver must have gotten his fill of outdoor activity yesterday. I read nine chapters of Lost in a Book to the boys, and then I read the final sixty pages of The Art of Losing to Josh. So I finished a book! We're going to read Joyful next for a change in tone. My mood has been heavier this month, so I'm hoping we'll both pick up some ideas. 

I made a lot of vegetable fried rice, using half brown rice and half riced cauliflower with corn, broccoli, carrots, sugar snap peas, sweet peas, baby corn, and red peppers. I did my workout today (I've fallen off that wagon over the last week), and Josh and I did yoga together (we've both fallen off that). We're also getting back into sharing our best three to five things from the day. I'm trying to put my good habits back together.

My ZURU mini purses arrived today! Now, I have a pink and white marbled zipper pouch just for tiny things. I'm leaving it out on the counter for now, and I look inside whenever I'm making food for Oliver. It's literally the little things. 

Day 3: Monday. I was determined to make today count. I've been listless a lot at home lately, too unfocused or unsettled to read effectively or pursue many of my habits. This morning, I spent a few minutes with Josh before he went to work. I read a letter he wrote to me in the notebook we share, and I wrote back to him. He had suggested that we each write a poem about something the other loves, so I wrote a poem called "The Run." It was my first poem of the month! I don't know if it's very good, but I feel great about having written it. I like Josh's writing assignments. 

I caught up on reading for the magazine, which is always a relief. Oliver has been in a good mood, playing outside a lot. I was able to zoom in on my words, stillness and attention, and really focus on a book. I read over two hundred pages of Wilder Girls and finished it. It was really good! I wish I knew what happened next. I plan to read Rory Power's other YA novel; HQ library has it, so I'll probably pick it up on Friday. I've decided to start going to the library on Fridays after Josh gets home from work: a little outing just for me after finishing the week. That's when I'll return books and pick up holds. 

I then finished my Hello Gorgeous Studio Oh journal. I'm going to start my cats and books journal from Strand. I love writing in journals that others have given me as gifts. I always write down who gave me the journal and when inside the back cover so I'll remember. 

Day 4: Tuesday. Today has had a slower start. I got caught up in something that upset me and had some self-doubt. It worked out, but I don't want to sink today. I talked to my therapist on the phone, catching her up on what's happened over the last month. While we talked, I decorated the pages of my Peter Pauper Press Song of Songs journal with stickers. Sometimes, every other journal I write in is PPP.

Summer begins today. That means I'm moving into reading short stories. I've had several short story summers; I think this is number 11. For this one, I want to read TWELVE story collections. These are the ones I want to read:

1. The Art of the Story: an anthology of contemporary short stories by writers all over the world. Bruce and I chose this as one of our birthday books. This is a big one, so we're planning to start it right away and go story by story.
2. Wild Swims: a Man Booker International Prize finalist translated from Danish; a short collection I asked the library to purchase (they did!). It's due in a few days.
3. Thirteen Stories and Thirteen Epitaphs: I don't remember anything about this one, but I know I asked the library to buy it, and I've checked it out. It's due in a few days.
4. If I Had Two Wings: a collection of southern magical realism; another book Bruce and I chose.
5. Christina Rivera Garza New and Selected Stories: a book I picked up from the new release shelf at the library.
6. Dreadful Young Ladies: an adults' speculative collection I own by Kelly Barnhill, who wrote The Girl Who Drank the Moon, which I recently read to the boys (and loved). 
7. Clarice Lispector's Collected Stories: I've just read that I must read her. This is a big one. I currently have it on hold at the library.
8. The Ocean House: another collection I asked the library to purchase. I read about it in a magazine, and I plan to pick it up on Friday. Full disclosure: I checked it out before but didn't get to it.
9. Cities I've Never Lived In: same as Ocean House.
10. Best American Short Stories 2021: the annual anthology. I want to be the kind of person who reads this (and Best American Poetry and Best American Essays) every year. I've read BAP 2021, so I'll read this one this summer and BAE 2021 this fall. The 2022 anthologies will come out late in the year. I'm wondering if anyone would like to read them with me. This one is on its way from another library; why doesn't ours have it?
11. Starry-Eyed: an anthology of sixteen YA stories involving theatre. How fun is that? I got the book from the library.
12. The Way Spring Arrives and Other Stories: one of the most specific collections I've ever seen. It's an anthology of speculative stories that female and non-binary authors have written, edited, and translated from the Chinese. Amazingly, I was able to get it from another library. 

A few of these are quite long. It's going to be a challenge. But I can read four story collections per month for three months. Anyway, I'm so far ahead on my reading goal that I can take my time if I need to. But I have other library books to remember as well! I hope to get a good start, starting today. 

I'd also really like to catch up on Best Small Fictions: I have 2019 and 2021 waiting. I have 2020 somewhere (Amazon says I bought it in January 2021), but I can't find it. So maybe make that five story collections a month, plus the other library books. Well, we'll see how far I'll get!

Ah, I found 2020. I'm working on a short story collection stack to keep myself on track visually.

Day 5: Wednesday. Today was a hard day. I had a difficult event and took most of the day to recover from it. I have a lot of questions for myself, and I don't know how to answer them. 

Oliver spent lunchtime on campus with Josh. He ate a lot of chips and Reeses cups and did well (who wouldn't?). 

I did have a victory today though: I paid off Oliver's major therapy bill ($980!) with leftover funds from his ESA. I didn't know if I'd be able to, but I got the confirmation today. And the therapy center takes on the fee, so we don't owe a dime. And it looks like I may be able to pay off another, smaller therapy bill the same way. 

Day 6: Thursday. Driving day! Oliver started on a meltdown right before I got ready. I told him we were going to see Marmee, which kind of redirected him. He's always great in the car. I listened to The Testaments. It's quite good, and I almost wish I had to drive more so I could listen to it more. 

We met Mom at Discovery Place in Rockingham. Oliver has been there several times but not since the pandemic started. He was extremely anxious when we arrived. He tried to run from me out the door and into the street twice. I picked him up and told him he didn't have to play. He eventually became curious and ran to the fire truck. His getting up on the fire truck took many tries, but he did it. Luckily, we almost had the place to ourselves, and the staff was nice about turning down the club-level music. We went up and down the elevator (stairs were too much). He ended up smiling, playing, and jumping but said after about an hour, "Wanna go to Marmee and Papa's house." 

Mom had given me birthday presents that I didn't really get to look at until later. This birthday was Ariel-themed; I love themed presents. She gave me an Ariel ballerina doll that is wearing sparkles and aqua ballet slippers. It's something I'd seen and liked but probably wouldn't have bought for myself (certainly not this year). Keeping with the theme of tiny things, she gave me a miniature silver Ariel backpack full of tiny stationery supplies, including a bitsy notebook and pen and the tiniest page flags I've ever seen (I love page flags). And she gave me a lovely aqua and white Ariel satchel purse, saying it could be my summer purse. The back shows the underwater castle! 

The drive home went quickly with my audio book, but I missed Oliver, especially when I was home by myself for an hour. We've only been apart for three nights once when we went to New York. But once I picked up Josh from work, I started to feel happy about our extended weekend. We picked up Chinese food--chicken and broccoli for me. It was delicious. Now we can get in bed and talk, something we don't get to do much.

Day 7: Friday. Josh didn't have to work this morning because he's chaperoning at a baseball game tonight. Waking up with Josh was so nice. Normally, Oliver stomps into our room and wakes us. But we slept until close to 8 today and weren't in a hurry to get up. Josh went for a late-morning run while I sat in the sunlight and scribbled. When Josh got back, we rested again, and then he tackled the cleaning while I picked up the house and put away laundry. I also put new jewelry (which I ordered with birthday money) on London--so gorgeous!

The library called me and said I had some books waiting; the automatic alert system is out. So we went to the library. I climbed the stairs without getting winded and tachy! I checked out ten books, six of them holds, most of them short story collections from my list. Josh smiled at the way I said, "Yes, please," when the library staff member asked if I wanted to check out my holds and the stack I'd brought down. I stuffed my tote bag (the one I used when I was teaching), and we went to Walgreens. We picked up meds, Dr. Pepper, and sheet protectors (Oliver's favorite thing...he needs some fresh ones). 

We had some time to rest before Josh had to go to the baseball game for work. He napped while I contemplated everything and nothing contentedly. When Josh left, I got straight into a hot bath. I had some anxiety about today's events (the Supreme Court overturned Roe v. Wade) but didn't really know how to express them since the subject is a slippery one for me. I believe I would not terminate a healthy pregnancy. But what about unhealthy pregnancies? What happens when a pregnancy will not result in live birth or the mother is in danger? And what's next? It's scary, and I don't really have anyone I can talk to about it as everyone I care about leans heavily on one side or the other. 

But I read fifty pages of Wild Swims, the first collection I'm tackling. The stories are spare and strange without speculation. I can't see myself pulling off stories like Nors's. It's a brief collection, so I hope to finish it quickly. But I don't know how much reading I'll do this weekend since all I want to do is be around Josh.

Stillness & Attention: Week 19.

Day 1: Saturday. My computer is working again! Thank goodness. It's a Chrome Book that I really like. The only part I really don't like is that I can only open one document at a time, which makes editing and preparing submissions difficult. But I'll use it as long as I can because we definitely can't afford a new laptop. 

Oliver kindly slept through the night, so Josh and I got to wake up together and chat in bed. I sent out those five poems I meant to send yesterday. I've sent 20 pieces this month, and I have 113 pieces out total. Yesterday, a postal submission response came in--an acceptance! A poem about my working at Borders will be published in Blue Collar Review, which has published four other poems of mine, a couple last year and a couple many years ago--three about working in bookstores and one about waiting tables. It's not an incredibly exciting acceptance, but I'm quite pleased. I was hoping for an acceptance this month. That bumps up my acceptance rate a little; it's now 7.6%. I'd like to get to 10%. We'll see. I'm researching more markets. It's time consuming. 

Bruce and I went to DPAC to see My Fair Lady. It was quite good. I saved calories for our customary soft pretzel and peanut M&Ms. As usual, we sang show tunes in the car. 

Day 2: Sunday. Mother's Day. Josh wanted to go get me a burger today, but I hadn't budgeted the calories for it. I did have some delicious Chedda Believe It Moon Cheese. I continue to drink soda occasionally for the happy ritual of it even though it doesn't taste right. 

Oddly enough, Olive did not ask to go to the park today, so we got a break from that. It was a good day for such a break because it was cold. I sent out a submission of four poems and continued planning out future submissions. I received a rejection with an invitation to submit again, which is always encouraging. My plans are messy, but duotrope keeps my records neat and organized. 

I worked on most of my habits today. I read An Acceptable Time to the boys. I read a day of the Bible; I'm still behind but making progress again. I read some more ASA poems. I read quite a bit of A Vow So Bold and Deadly, which I'm still really enjoying. I read my minimum of 75 pages for the day. And I scribbled five pages in my huge journal. I also did my exercises, weights, and a little yoga. 

Josh doesn't have therapy tomorrow, so I get to have the whole morning with him! Bruce finished reading my book, so I'll work on editing tomorrow. I should be able to submit the book soon! Overall, I'm quite behind on reading--I've only finished one book this month! But I think I can catch up next week. I have some books due on Saturday, so I'll do my best. I need that stillness and attention.

Day 3: Monday. My car needs an oil change, and Josh's needs an inspection and probable repairs. We've been having trouble since those surprise taxes, so my mom lent us some money to take care of the cars. That's a relief. We should hear this week about the summer position for which Josh applied. If he gets it, we'll be in better shape but not until the end of July. Part-time pay at community colleges is badly delayed. 

I told my grandparents that we'd no longer need their support after next month. That's probably not true, but we won't need it for Oliver's school as it looks almost certain that we'll receive a disabilities grant for his tuition and (hopefully) his fees. We are enormously blessed in that, and getting that was a great deal of work! It is one of accomplishments of which I'm most proud. In a couple of months, we'll pay off Josh's hospital expenses from last year, so that will be one bill gone. Since I didn't have any cavities this time (a miracle with my teeth--thank God Oliver got Josh's strong teeth!), maybe we can pay off my old dental work before I need new work! And we're close to paying off Josh's undergrad loans though I doubt we can pay them off before we go back to paying off his grad loans. Come on, Biden; give us some help. 

We have no savings and a lot of debt. I'm doing the best I can with it. My disability pay isn't much, but it's more than I could make teaching part time. I don't think we could both teach full time and take proper care of Oliver, especially since he has so many days off and such long summers. I don't know how people do it, especially with a child (or children) with special needs. Josh has a great job and works hard, and I'm doing the NoBuy year. We'll continue to reassess. 

But in better news, Josh and I spent the morning together. We did yoga, rested, and talked. I'm cherishing these last hours we have alone together. When we're resting, I often look at this collage by the bed.

I got a little grumpy and down later in the day, but Bruce had finished proofreading my book, so I got to work on that. He caught several silly typos, a few confusing bits, and a repeating dialogue formatting error. I fixed it all, and then I created a new cover letter and sent the book to the magazine that is taking submissions of fantasy novellas! It's a long shot, but it's a special possibility. I feel great knowing my first fiction book is out there and someone I don't know may read it. I've workshopped parts of it, but no one but Josh, Mom, and Bruce has read the whole book. No one has asked to read it.

Day 4: Tuesday. I spent most of the morning scribbling, trying to get my pages in. Josh and I spent some time together in the afternoon. Tomorrow, we'll have our last stretch of time alone. I will miss that time terribly. Josh took Oliver to OT. I really appreciate his doing that. I'll take Oliver for the next couple of weeks as Josh will have long days. Josh brought home a quarter pounder--I had budgeted the calories, and it was delicious. I sent a piece of flash fiction to a magazine. Josh and I sat out in the sunlight on the back steps for a good while and talked. He was about as open with me as he's ever been.

Day 5: I finished my journaling yesterday, and I had great intentions to read a lot after the boys went to bed, but that's not what happened. I lay down and fell fast asleep around 7:30. I slept for 11 hours and 30 minutes. I woke up relaxed just before 7 a.m. as Josh was taking a shower after getting home from the gym. I showered, put on some comfortable clothes, and spread white sparkle on my eyelids. We took Oliver to school and then went to Lowe's for a shower knob (ours had cracked) and a cheap leaf blower for the back yard. ]Then, we got groceries. That was expensive as always. Our chickpea pasta arrived in the mail, so I plan to cook with it this week and see what we think of it. I read a few poems from The Art of Losing to Josh in the car. I'd like to finish the book this week. Next, we're going to read Bittersweet, a nonfiction book on the positive aspects of being melancholy. 

Back at home, we cuddled and rested. I wrote a little while he napped. Either my general fatigue has faded, or my body was satisfied with the amazing sleep I got last night. We did yoga and ate lunch together. Josh went to work, and I wrote a little more before going to the library to pick up a couple of holds, including yet another Sharon Olds book (I thought I had them all!). I picked up Oliver from school and dropped off a great many snack bags of chips for one of their end-of-the-year celebrations next week. Josh went to Party City after work and bought glow sticks for another school celebration. He's taken time off for some of those events next week. 

I sent five poems to a magazine I'm determined to infiltrate. The editor recently sent me a rejection but invited me to submit again, so I did so today, the first day of a new submission period. He will get used to seeing my name. 

Oliver does not like Josh's leaving the house, especially through the back door. Josh wanted to work on the yard this afternoon, so I prepared Oliver for hours in advance: "Later, Daddy is going to go in the back yard alone with the weed eater and the leaf blower and clean up the yard. You and I will stay inside. It will be loud. It will take a little while, and then, Daddy will come back inside." I told him this three times. When Josh was ready, he left through the front door (less traumatic) and walked around to the back yard. Oliver watched from the sliding door, and he did just fine. His receptive language (what he understands) seems to be a lot more advanced than his expressive language (what he says), and he really handles things pretty well if we prepare him well. We were worried about how Josh would take care of the yard this summer (he usually does it while Oliver is at school), but it seems like that will be fine. 

I've done all my exercises today except for squats, which I've added to my daily routine this week. I think I'm getting some muscle in my arms. I've started doing at least a little yoga almost every day. I've stayed under my calorie goal (sometimes too far under) for a couple of weeks now. I'm 2 pounds down, and I'll weigh again this weekend. I'm hoping that I'll have to make an exception to my NoBuy to get a pair of smaller jeans before the year ends. 

Day 6: Thursday. I received a form rejection for a story, so I sent out another story to another magazine. I still have 123 pieces pending. Who knows?

I had the day to myself, but I was in an odd mood. I made pasta salad with the chickpea pasta; it turned out fine. I journaled. I napped a little in the gloomy day. I listened to Corinne Bailey Rae as I got ready. I didn't feel like putting on makeup (shock), so I just applied some glitter and some red Fresh Sugar Icon lip gloss. I listened to The Fixed Stars in the car and picked up Oliver. When Josh got home, I read some of An Acceptable Time to the boys. We only have 50 pages left. Maybe we can finish it this week. 

Day 7: Friday. Today was a bit more productive. I did my journaling, napped for an hour, and did laundry and housework. I wore lavender jeans, a light pink ruffled tank top with a tiny black heart print, baby pink glitter shoes, and princess (crown and scepter) earrings. Again, I didn't feel like putting on makeup, so I just wore some Urban Decay pink and gold highlighter on my eyelids and some Fresh Sugar Bloom lip shimmer. That may become my general summer look.

The afternoon brought a little sunshine. I wanted to soak it all up. I've been a little sick to my stomach, so I'm not eating much. Tomorrow, if I remember, I'll weigh myself and see if I've lost any weight this week. I just hope I haven't gained--though that seems impossible. But I could be building muscle more quickly than I'm burning fat. I'm looking forward to having a new middle number, but that's a ways off. 

Oliver had a good day at school. His teacher sent home all his school stuff, so they really are done with academics. Next week is all fun. Josh got home earlier than I expected today, and we sat on the back steps together in unexpected sunlight.

Josh and I are making plans to go to Asheville in August for a half marathon. We're going to try to make a romantic weekend of it. It will be our first trip since New York and likely our only trip this year. I want Josh to have something to look forward to and work toward, and I want something to look forward to as well. I found a condo in downtown Asheville; we could walk to the race. I see myself lounging at the condo or browsing in shops and then waiting for Josh at the finish line. The race is in the morning, so we'll have the rest of the day to rest and explore. By then, we will have gotten summer pay for Josh's class and/or new position, so we'll be able to enjoy some good food, and we won't have to worry too much about gas. We haven't been to Asheville together since we were dating. 

All the days of May have been good overall: joyful or passionate on my mood tracker. I hope that continues.

Stillness & Attention: Week 18.

Day 1: Today was another great day. Josh and I woke up before Oliver did, so we spent a little time together, and then, he played video games in bed next to me while I went back to sleep for a bit--a relaxed start. While Josh went through morning routines with Oliver, I prepared and sent a fiction submission. I'm trying some more approachable markets with my fiction. My fiction definitely isn't as advanced as my poetry; I simply haven't written nearly as much fiction. With that, I've sent out 100 pieces this month. 

Josh left to run a 5k at the college. I finished reading A Fortune for Your Disaster. Later, we went to the park for about three hours. I started reading The Art of Losing: Poems of Grief and Healing aloud to Josh. I haven't read poetry aloud since I taught Intro to Lit. In the evening, Josh and I put away three big loads of laundry together.

I finished setting up my May planner today, so I'm ready to start a new month tomorrow. I hope to get back in steps with all my good habits. Bummer--my crown came out while I was flossing, and I can't do anything about it this weekend.

Day 2: Last night, I had trouble going to sleep. So I got in the bath and finished reading Snow White and Rose Red. That's two books in one day. That brought me to 14 books for April, which is pretty good though it's one fewer than I planned. Strep really derailed me. 

I slept quite poorly last night, and I gave up around 4 a.m. Josh came downstairs later, and we cuddled on the couch. I fell asleep in his lap. When Oliver got up, I went back to sleep on the couch while he and Josh went to McDonalds for their weekend hashbrown date. I moved to my chair, planning to get some work done, but ended up sleeping again. I think I've caught up on my sleep. 

Oliver started to get a little freaky for some reason, so we decided to go to the park. We were there for almost three hours again. Oliver discovered that the splash pad had opened, so we spent part of the time there. Josh cuddled and kissed me as we sat on a towel together. I love his PDAs. I read more of The Art of Losing to him, and some of the poems were a real bummer. I'm reading it to him because we've been talking about processing grief. We're about one-third of the way through the book already. We managed to get Oliver to leave the park by offering fries. I got a quarter pounder, and amazingly, I still have 100 calories left for today. 

When we got home, I edited an old story called "Doorknobs" and submitted it to a magazine. That's my first submission of May. I hope to get a lot more done today even though I slept so much!

Day 3: Monday. Another good day. In the morning, I read several poems from Sharon Olds's One Secret Thing. She has become one of my favorite poets. After Josh took Oliver to school, we snuggled until it was time for his interview for this summer position he applied for. It was a long and fancy interview; we should know next week. If he gets the position, we can pay off some bills (and maybe get that dresser?). If he doesn't, Oliver and I will have more time with him this summer.

We did yoga together and watched another episode of Documentary Now, a hilarious one about recording a Broadway show album. I recognized Renee Elise Goldsberry. She's amazing.

I wore a pink sparkle tank top, jeans, emerald rhinestone sneakers, my jewelry box necklaces, and Huda Rose Quartz eye shadow to the dentist. They love to see my shoes. 

I wrote today with a Slicci metallic pink pen--such a luxury. Sliccis are normally absurdly expensive, but I got some on mega sale at the end of last year.

I spent some time on Olga Dies Dreaming and A Vow So Bold and Deadly, both of which I'm really enjoying. I have a few books due on May 14, so I need to get reading. I sent three poems to a magazine this afternoon. I really didn't get down-hearted today like I often do on Mondays. Bruce sent me a little love note, so that helped. 

Day 4: Tuesday. I went for a walk today and spent a little time with Josh. I've been staying under my calorie goal and doing weights, the ab series, and other exercises each day. We'll see what happens.  

I sent a ten-poem submission to a magazine! I still have over 100 pieces out. I received two form rejections within about ten minutes. Great. I'm hoping May will bring some good writing news. I'm scribbling with a Gelly Roll lime metallic pen that Leah sent me--it's one of my favorites.

My smart watch (my Mother's Day present) arrived! Now I can track my activity, sleep, and (very fast) heart rate. I have the same one Josh has. 

I got all my daily and weekly habits today, which is rare. I read to Josh from One Secret Thing, which I finished this evening. He was pretty impressed with Sharon Olds too. I have two more of her books in the study and one waiting at the library. I plan to read all her books. Another comes out later this year. 

Day 5: Wednesday. This is teacher appreciation week, so we wrote thank you notes (pink, gold, and glittery, of course) to Oliver's teachers, and Josh got them Barnes gift cards. The school is having a little breakfast on Friday for Mother's Day. Oliver will not like my coming into the school with him; he'll probably want to leave. So I may be bringing him back with me. I'll try to explain to him what's going to happen. 

Josh took Oliver to school this morning, and then we got in bed, and I slept for an hour! I don't know why I've been able to sleep more lately. Maybe it's because I'm exercising more. In any case, it was nice. We did yoga, and I got ready. I wore jean shorts (Kut from the Kloth), a blue cold-shoulder top (it's still cute), and Moondust eyeshadow with Kate Spade/Keds baby blue glitter shoes. 

We went to Target for printer ink and a new pillow. Josh got me The Habit, which was delicious and will take up most of my calories for the day. We got groceries, which was again absurdly expensive. When Josh left for work, I didn't have much time before I went to pick up Oliver. And what did I do? I slept. Yes. It's bizarre. 

I enjoyed listening to The Fixed Stars in the car while I got Oliver. I'm not sure how much I'd like it as a regular book, but I like the narrator. 

Day 6: Thursday. Last night, I did some more exercising and yoga to get down to my calorie goal for the day. I had big plans to read and scribble after Oliver went to bed, and I had stories to read for the magazine. But what did I do? I fell asleep. Without meds. I did realize that my Ritalin from yesterday morning was still in the pill box, so that's at least part of why I slept so much yesterday. I wasn't depressed--just sleepy. 

I went back to the dentist today for a cleaning, and I had a clear exam! This is the first time that's happened in years. I have terrible dry mouth and just terrible teeth, so I was very pleased. Maybe I can pay off the old work before I have to get new work. The electric toothbrush, prescription toothpaste, and fluoride treatments must be helping. 

Back at home, I started reading Anthony S. Abbott's New and Selected Poems. I read his The Girl in a Yellow Raincoat while I was in grad school. Josh had his last meetings with two of his classes and was able to come home early, so we had some time together. He had found time to proofread my book, so I've made corrections. Bruce is proofreading too, so the book should be ready for submission. The deadline is May 15. 

I've felt a little sick today but not depressed. Since I had strep, I haven't been able to taste soda normally. It tastes flat. This is very unpleasant because you know how much I love Dr. Pepper. I guess it's helping me save calories and avoid cavities. I haven't accomplished much besides working a little on my book, reading some poems, and doing some weights, leg lifts, and the ab series. I'd like to get a lot more reading done today. I'm still reading An Acceptable Time to the boys. We're almost two-thirds of the way through it. 

I'll go to the library tomorrow before I pick up Oliver. I have three books to return and several to pick up, including (I think) all of Sharon Olds's books! I'm going to binge on them. 

Day 7: Friday. The little Mother's Day party went fine. I wore a navy maxi dress over a baby pink tank top with baby pink glitter shoes, a pink and gold key necklace, and Colour Pop Flutterby pink glitter eye shadow. I explained to Oliver what was happening, and he seemed to accept it if not totally understand it. The fellowship hall was swathed in pink silk. I ate the top of  a chocolate chip muffin and chatted with the teachers. Every seems to know and love Oliver. I got him to sing "Snuggle Puppy" for his teacher. I hope she stays at the school. I wonder who his teachers will be next year. 

I got home and spent a little time with Josh. When he left for work, I went to the library. I picked up Anatomy: A Love Story, a book I requested, and eight holds. I got The Awakened Brain, which I don't remember holding; the Definitive Edition of Anne Frank's Diary (I've read the typical edition; I think everyone should read her diary); Sleepless, a thriller I noticed at Barnes; and what I believe are the remaining five Sharon Olds poetry collections. Excellent. I have about a week to finish and return four books...oh boy. I've been so sleepy lately that I haven't been reading enough. I think it's because of my new medication. Hopefully, the side effects will wear off soon. When I got home from the library, I took a nap. 

Josh was able to come home a little early after a couple of final classes. We got to cuddle. Later, I worked on laundry, scribbled my five pages in my huge journal, and worked out until I was under my calories for the day. That's ten days in a row! My computer shut down suddenly in the middle of a submission and won't turn on though it's on the charger. If it's broken, I don't know how I'll send submissions, work on my book, or update my blog. I'll check on it tomorrow. I may be spending a lot more time at the library. 

Stillness & Attention: Week 16.

Day 1: I sent nine poems to a journal that will likely take several months to get back to me. I have 100 poems under consideration. I finished Cathy Smith Bowers's A Book of Minutes and started her Traveling in Time of Danger. It's strange that she has a Collected Poetry when she is still alive and presumably still writing. When I first saw the book, I was worried. But apparently, she's still teaching in the Queens MFA program.

I'm now in August in my Daily Bible. I'm ready for the New Testament.  

Day 2: I've been to two parks today, and now, I'm tired. I read some of AAT to both boys and some of the Running book to Josh while we sat on a hill more dirt than grass.

I sent out five poems this morning, somewhat comical ones, all from my chapbook The Queen, the City. I received two rejections in the last two days, both a little disappointing--one because my work has appeared there before and the other because it was for a themed call and I thought what I sent fit well. Oh well. Both said I should submit again later, so I'll wait a couple of months and do that. 

I decided to revise my poetry collections even though they're currently under consideration with publishers. I started with Little Droughts and Hurricanes, the much-evolved version of my masters thesis. I cut seven poems that just belong elsewhere. I hope this tightens the manuscript. I'm also thinking about merging one complete chapbook with another chapbook idea. I figure I'll revamp my books once a year as I continue to send them out. Responses typically take several months. I have an idea of where to send LD&H next. I'm going to try to publish more of the poems in the chapbooks before I submit the chapbooks for publication again. I have a lot of work to do. 

I finished Cathy Smith Bowers's Traveling in Time of Danger. I've started reading The Truth about Magic by Atticus for some lighter poetry and visual engagement. I should finish it quickly. I only have about 75 pages left in Snow White and Rose Red. I'll try to finish that tomorrow. But I really need to be focused on The Personal Librarian and The Storied Life of A. J. Fikry, both of which are late. I also need to finish The Paris Library, read a Proust graphic novel (I figured it would be a good introduction to Proust, whom I've never read), and read a story collection called Cities I've Never Lived In. Those three books are due soon. I have some holds coming in next week, so I need to get square with the library. I'm struggling a little with attention. 

Meanwhile, I'm three and a half months into my NoBuy year. What I want most right now is a set of The Phantom of the Opera prints by Annie Stegg. I also want her one of her books and some of her other prints. She's a new favorite artist. But I'll get something of hers for Christmas or next year. In the meantime, I'll keep looking at her beautiful paintings online.

Day 3: I'm writing with a Pentel Krazy Pop Electric Watermelon pen, dark green with red glitter. 

I finished editing an old story (one I like) and sent it to a speculative journal. If it gets rejected, I may ask the editor of the magazine I read for to help me figure out revision. He looks at one story a month for staff members. This story was shortlisted (meaning it got through the first round of reading though not the final round) for another magazine, so it must have some merit. It has one great scary moment that I need to extend somehow. 

Day 4: I'm writing with a Krazy Pop Cotton Candy Bliss pen, pink with blue glitter.

I sent six poems to a magazine today; it's a magazine that Duotrope doesn't list, so I'll have to rely on my handwritten records. We went to the park for a while. It was sunny and windy. I read more of Running to Josh; we only have about 35 pages left.

Day 5: I finished Fate by Ai this morning: rough but good poems. I'll read more of Ai's books, whatever I can get through the library. I've started a check-out list on the library's website, and I can easily place holds from that list. I have a lot of poetry in transit! Now, I just need to finish as many books as I can and return them. I have five books ready to go back. One of them is the Proust graphic novel, which Josh said he might read. I'm starting A Fortune for Your Disaster, poems by Hanif Abdurraqib.

I sent a piece of flash fiction to a magazine. This story almost made it into another magazine many years ago. I remember the editor's sending me the longest, most encouraging rejection I've ever received. I submitted work to him three more times, and that fourth time, he published the story! I've actually only published two stories. I'm much more experienced (and well-read) as a poet than as a short fiction writer.

Day 6: Today was a mess. Actually, it went pretty well under the circumstances. Josh has had a sore throat for a couple of days, and I my throat started hurting last night. I figured we must have strep. Josh went to urgent care in the morning and tested positive for strep. When he got back, I went to urgent care. My test was negative, but the doctor saw patches in my throat and prescribed antibiotics anyway. I'm pretty sure I have strep. 

When I got back, we took Oliver to the doctor. Oliver can't tell us if his throat hurts, but he hasn't shown any signs of being sick. His strep test was negative. So we'll just watch him. Josh and I are on amoxicillin and 24-hour Sudafed, but we still feel pretty rough. I suddenly realized that I couldn't smell anything--not a scented candle, not a Wallflower, not my shampoo. Then, my sense of taste went too. We did two kinds of at-home rapid tests, both negative. If I test negative again tomorrow, we may need to find a testing site to do a PCR. Do those still exist? Everyone is acting like the pandemic is over. I didn't do much reading or send a submission today. I did start A Fortune for Your Disaster, poems by Hanif Abdurraqib.

Day 7: We had a home inspection today, which was stressful. Just acting well was hard (we did tell the person that we were sick before she came, and I wore my N95). But our house looks great, and we are tired. I'm not even looking forward to going to bed because I don't think I'll feel better. I feel like I have a sinus infection--all that pressure in my face. 

Luckily, Oliver has been in a good and chill mood. I've done a ton of laundry, and our beds are fresh. Again, I haven't been able to read or do writing work. I sent five extra submissions last week, so I'm still ahead. I'm giving up on some library books that need to go back. I also have some books waiting at the library, including a YA fantasy and some Sharon Olds poetry. I'm worried that being sick will make me lose all my momentum. But I just have to give myself grace. A hot bubble bath sounds good. I already miss the taste of Dr. Pepper.

Stillness & Attention: Week 12.

Day 1: Saturday. Yesterday, Josh bought me Robin McKinley's Outlaws of Sherwood from a book sale the college library was having. This morning, I finished reading The Girl Who Drank the Moon to the boys! It was so good. That's my fourth book for the week, 13th book for the month, 37th book of the year. And 875 books total. How have I not read 1,000 books yet? What have I been doing all this time? Well, much of the time, I have been reading. But at this point in my life, I can read a lot more. I should have little trouble getting to 1,000 books by my 40th birthday. This book is also the 15th long book I've read to Oliver.

My favorite author, Francesca Lia Block, has started a new class on LitReactor: The New Myth. I was very tempted to take it, but I told myself I wouldn't spend money on classes this year. Hopefully, she'll offer it again. I need to get better acquainted with Greek mythology in preparation. 

I finished Wounds! That book is not for the sensitive of spirit, mind, or stomach. Nope. 

Day 2: I started reading Writing Radar last night. It's pretty fun. I'll try to finish it today. I have more books that are about to be late. Hrrmm. I've suspended all my holds until I can catch up. I won't be going to the library today because Oliver has the day off school. But I'll try to return at least a few books on Tuesday.

I'm itching to spend money today. Our Facebook fast has ended, and I immediately saw an ad for gorgeous linen journals. And look at these darling star pajamas! And what about these star pajamas? But I'm not spending. I am stronger than my cravings. To underscore that, I've started reading Soulful Simplicity by Courtney Carver. 

I finished Writing Radar. Then, Oliver had a meltdown, not understanding that we couldn't find the video he wanted. It was so loud and awful. After medication calmed him down some 45 minutes later, we went to the backyard. I saw so many wild violets in the yard. I wrote a poem called "The Poem I Remember," about the afters. Every pain can be a poem. It's not worth it. But it's something to do.

Today marks the end of winter. I've only read five or six children's books this season, which isn't great. But I did read important books (George) and books I've meant to read for a long time (Peter Pan and Wendy, The Girl Who Drank the Moon). Spring is beginning, and I'll shift my focus to YA literature. Honestly, though, I probably won't get to much YA for a while. More books are due! But once I catch up, I'll explore the YA section at the library and see what I find.

Day 3: Oliver doesn't have school today. Josh will be busy most of the day with work and a Moderna trial appointment. I'm hoping I won't see a reprise of what happened yesterday. The meltdowns are harder when I'm alone. But Oliver seems relaxed today, relaxing on his crash pad and on the huge fairy and mermaid pillow I brought downstairs.

Last night and this morning, I read some of Madeleine L'Engle's Many Waters to the boys. I haven't liked any of the Time books as much as Wrinkle, but finishing the series is one of my 40 before 40 goals. Two books left!

I've read Claire Keegan's novella Small Things Like These today. It's subtle, short, and frightening. I've written two poems today, "March" and "Concrete Stroll," and I applied for a writing fellowship. That's my writing work for the day! I'm writing with a Stardust Gelly Roll Red Star pen. I'm down to the last couple of pens my friends have sent me!

Day 4: Two new poems: "Contrary" and "Pilgrimage." I read a lot of Together in a Sudden Strangeness last night. Josh showed some interest in reading it, and I want him to be able to read it at his own pace, so I ordered him a copy. It also just seems like a book we should have at home.

I finished the book today. 

Day 5: I spent a chunk of the day at the dentist, trying to keep my mouth wide open and breathe through my nose while I felt like I was drowning. Now, my jaw aches. I'm about to take ibuprofen p.m. I ordered a new toothbrush because mine died. I forgot to ask for the prescription toothpaste I'm supposed to use, so I'll have to go back.

A spark: Moon Cheese. Crunchy cheese in a pouch at the Food Lion registers. 

Another spark: Josh said he had a certain amount of clinical trial money, which we can't really use for anything practical. "This money exists outside space and time," he said. "Is there anything you want?" There was. A necklace, within $3 of that liminal amount with tax and shipping. It will arrive on the 30th.

I've read from five books today. I started reading Reasons to Stay Alive aloud to Josh. I also read aloud two chapters of Many Waters to the boys. I read more of Soulful Simplicity. I started The Beauts, a chapbook (for the daily goal read poems) and Snow White and Rose Red (for the daily goals read in focus [YA] and read a fairy tale). 

Because my dress challenge ended on Monday, I've worn jeans for two days. Jeans and pink. It feels great. For the next four days, I don't have to go anywhere, drive anywhere, or even put on real clothes. I can be exactly what I am, whatever that may be.

Day 6: I finished Soulful Simplicity and wrote down a lot of little quotations. One of my favorite terms Carver used was joyful discipline. Hmm. I may have to revisit that. 

I've continued to read Many Waters to the boys. It's going to be a strange one. I'd like to finish it this month, so we'll see how much of it I can manage this weekend. I also read a little of Reasons to Stay Alive to Josh, which I plan to do whenever we have some time together. And I continued with The Beauts and Snow White and Rose Red. 

Terri McCord, who wrote The Beauts and went to the MFA program I attended, has won several awards, a fellowship, and nominations for a Pushcart and Best of the Net! Life goals. I hoped I'd write a poem today, but I didn't. I haven't been doing enough writing work. I've been editing my story "Ruby" to send to an online journal. It's so old that I put two spaces between sentences! "Ruby" made it to the final round with another magazine, so I feel confident that it's good. I've only published a couple of stories, and I haven't written very many. I'm hoping that during my Short Story Summer, I'll get back into writing short fiction. As a grad student, I forced myself to write a short story every Wednesday. It was a total chore, and I had no idea what I was doing. But I forced myself to sit with my computer and start. Stillness and attention! Poems sometimes just come, but showing up and being brave is always necessary. I need to show up more.

I began reading Neverland by Piers Dudgeon. It's about the connection between Daphne du Maurier and J. M. Barrie--I didn't know there was a connection. I thought the book would be dry, but it's quite absorbing. I think it's also going to be disturbing, but after having read Rebecca and two books of du Maurier's short stories (and after finally having read Peter Pan and Wendy), I'm eager to learn more. Du Maurier's stories are among my favorites, there with Shirley Jackson, Kelly Link, Angela Carter, and Karen Russell.

Day 7: I sent five poems to a literary magazine and reformatted some other pieces for later submission. I'm trying to do some writing work each day, including at least three more submissions this month. I found a story I had completely forgotten.

Josh and I had a little time together this morning, and I read more of Reasons to Stay Alive to him. So far, some of it seems closer to my experience than Josh's because Haig dealt with a lot of anxiety. 

I finished the poetry chapbook The Beauts. That brings me to 880 total books. Next, I'm going to read Dorianne Laux's Facts about the Moon. 

I drained all the pens I've received from supportive friends! All await recycling through the Bic stationery program. Leah, one of my core friends from childhood, asked me for another pen wish list. I'm astonished at how my friends have encouraged me in my writing. Some of my favorite pens are on amazing sale, 30-40% off, and if this weren't a NoBuy year (and we had money), I'd buy several of each set. But I will use what I have and trust that I will have enough of everything I need. 

Stillness & Attention: Week 11.

Day 1: I've had a hard time reading aloud to the boys because often, when I start reading, Oliver wants to go outside or watch videos. But this morning, I got to read 25 pages of The Girl Who Drank the Moon (which I'm really enjoying). I went back to reading Hope in the Mail and suddenly wanted to work on the second book in my YA fantasy series, so I did. I got some new ideas about a plot element, and I'm eager to see where it goes. Reading poetry sometimes prompts me to write poems; maybe reading about writing prompts me too. I journaled today with a Pentel Hybrid Dual Metallic pen in purple with red glitter. 

Josh and I changed our sheets and worked on laundry. I found out that my Paperblanks Grande journal will arrive late, which is a bummer. I was really looking forward to getting that today. But I have lots of great journals I can decorate. I have a phone lock screen image that says Use what you have. It's a good reminder.

Despite the cold and wind, Oliver has spent a lot of time in the backyard today. He's the happiest person I've ever met 95% of the time. But tonight, he's been trying to tell us something. He says, "I need some help," and looks at us earnestly, but we can't figure out what's wrong. Josh said, "That's a special kind of hell." We may never know.

Day 2: I'm writing with a Gelly Roll Stardust Green Star pen from the set Leah sent me. And I love my Mrs. Grossman's stickers.

I managed to read 33 pages of The Girl Who Drank the Moon to the boys today. I also finished reading Hope in the Mail. I wrote down a lot of encouraging quotations. I'm planning to read Writing Radar by Jack Gantos, a young readers book on pulling stories from one's journal. It will count toward my children's lit focus. I'm in the mood for nonfiction right now. Some of my library books are now two weeks late...oh dear. I hope this coming week will be a good reading week. I did finish four books this week and nine books this month. I'm now at 32 books for the year and 870 books total. I'm 14 books ahead of my goal, but I want to read even more.

I submitted five poems to a literary journal! I really want to get my work back out there.

Day 3: I got to spend a little of the morning with Josh. When he left for an appointment, I dove into Comfort Me with Apples by Catherynne M. Valente, and I finished it! It is beautiful and harsh. I think it's a book everyone ought to read but maybe especially men. Luckily, CMV has many more books, and I'm eager to read them. I'll check the library once I get caught up.

I also read several poems from Best American Poetry 2021, which spurred me to write a poem called "Set." Reading poems often reminds me of memories or ideas I've had for a long time but have never thought to use for a poem. 

I returned three books to the library. I'm still far behind, but I'm on the move. We're broke, and I've had little desire to spend money. We paid our steep taxes though, so that's one thing we don't have to worry about anymore. For now, Josh's car is working decently well. It's due for inspection in May, so that's probably when we'll have to make some decisions. We're not sure if Josh will be working this summer. Unknowns! But I'm happy today.

Day 4: I finished reading Best American Poetry 2021 and ended up liking it! I marked many lines and added many poets' books to my NoBuy2022 list. I have so many books on that list! I plan to check the library for every one when I can. Anything I can't find, I may buy next year. I'm happy to buy books of poetry. 

Today, I'm writing with an Ooly glitter pen in lavender. 

Day 5: I'm writing with another pen a friend sent me, this one a Gelly Roll Stardust pen in Blue Star.

I've started reading the book Together in a Sudden Strangeness: America's Poets Respond to the Pandemic. I'm still trying to read poems every day. Josh has shown a little interest in the book too. 

Day 6: I finished reading Revelator! It turned out to be very good-weird. Josh and I got a little time together this afternoon. We put away four loads of laundry in about 20 minutes! I wrote a poem called "Dressing," which is for my chapbook about raising Oliver.

Day 7: Josh and I got to spend the morning together. I wrote a poem called "Vacuum," another Oliver poem. I got back to reading Wounds. I finished reading two more of the stories. I have one story left and then two novellas. I returned Revelator to the library. Book by book.