Stillness & Attention: Week 8.

Day 1: "Read a thousand books and your words will flow like a river." ~Virginia Woolf

That's what I'm trying to do. I'm at 854 books now. 

Josh's mom came to visit us. She brought Hornets apparel, thermal shirts, a beautiful shark quilt, lavender bath items, a tan Denik journal with white floral embroidery, Till We Have Faces, and Marmee & Louisa (which NPR called one of the top ten books of the year!). I hope to read the books soon; I've been wanting to try more biographies. Susan usually buys us books from our GoodReads want-to-read lists, but Josh still isn't reading. 

I finished reading chapters 2 and 3 of Peter Pan and Wendy to the boys this evening. 

Day 2: I'm writing with the last Crayola Take Note pen, this one purple with blue glitter. I wrote a poem called "Intro to Lit." It's my ninth poem this month! I'm hoping to have a new collection manuscript at the end of the year. Josh has already given me a title--a line from the first poem I wrote this month.

I finished Locke & Key 4 today, Keys to the Kingdom. I made another purchase request with the library. And I submitted a flash fiction story and a microfiction story to an anthology contest! Now, I'm writing with a purple Whaline Outliner, which is just like Gelly Roll Silver Shadow, but it doesn't bleed through the paper and it comes in more colors. Two good friends got me sets of these. They're a favorite. Amazon isn't selling them at this moment, but I'm keeping them on my NoBuy2022 list. 

I'm several poems into Best American Poetry 2021. I'd like to finish the book next week. Reading poems definitely sparks my writing poems. The book I requested is Ama Codjoe's chapbook--I'm savoring her poem in BAP.

Day 3: I'm writing with a Pentel Krazy Pop pen, dark blue with gold glitter. Krazy Pops and Sparkle Pops are some of the best pens, and this pen is one of my favorites. 

Oliver is home for Presidents Day. He just had a smallish meltdown; he threw his tablet (twice, after which I put it away) and the dust vac. But he seems to be calming down. He keeps asking for an episode of Elmo's World, but when I play it, it's apparently not right. I'm not sure he understands "This is all we have." In the past, his meltdowns often included tearing items off the walls, breaking glass, throwing the TV, hitting, and screaming. So this is mild. I'm thankful for that. 

He's now back to playing with his favorite thing: sheet protectors. We discovered this entirely by accident. In our old apartment (where we lived for eight years), Oliver used to shred magazines. We let him do it because it mostly stopped his ripping up books. But it was a terrible mess, and we were always having to find more magazines. We decided that we would not do all that in our townhome. I collect stickers, and I'd just gotten a new pack of sheet protectors to organize them in a binder. I accidentally tore open the package and sent sheet protectors flying everywhere in the guest room. Oliver picked one up, and it was love. Most of the time at home, he has one. He looks through it, feels the corners, tosses and chases it, and swirls it. When he's not playing with them, he takes them back to the guest room, where I've set up a green polka dot bin to hold them. Now, I can have magazines sitting out safely. He often has a sheet protector at school too during breaks. What an odd and excellent discovery.

Josh works late today, so I feel a little lonely. Last night, I went back to A Heart So Fierce and Broken. A Loving Spirit isn't grabbing my attention, so I may read it some other time. I do want to read all of du Maurier's stories and novels. I have four holds waiting at the library, so I need to get these books back. I have more due on March 1. I'll get as far as I can. 

"She loved Thomas dearly, but she knew in her soul there was something waiting for her greater than this love for Thomas. Something strong and primitive, lit with everlasting beauty."

~Daphne du Maurier, The Loving Spirit 12

I like this sentence, but it's not how I feel. Having a child was and is something of an adventure, and I know both grief and joy await me. But I don't feel as if I'm waiting for something bigger than my love for Josh. I just wish I could make him happier. He's in the depression trenches. Being the partner of a severely depressed person feels awfully hopeless. I know I can't fix it for him, and I have no idea what to do.

Day 4: I finished reading A Heart So Fierce and Broken. It only took me a couple of days! Now, I'm eager to read the last book in the series. I want to read three more books this week so I can reach ten books for the month.

I still feel weird about Oliver's teachers, but I think I've done all I can. I called the office to confirm that the re-enrollment papers I sent arrived; they did. I still haven't heard anything new from NCSEAA. 

Day 5: Today, I'm writing with another Krazy Pop pen, pink with blue glitter. Unfortunately, this has been a depressed day. I read a couple more Peter Pan and Wendy chapters to the boys. I got a note from Oliver's teachers about his bringing in 100 items for the 100th day of school. Of course, I stressed over this and didn't know if the items ought to be edible. I found 100 paperclips (blue, lavender, purple, silver swirl) and E-mailed his teacher. She said paperclips were fine, and she thanked me for the classroom gifts I sent (they went to her old address, which was on the wish list, so she didn't get them until today). She said, "We appreciate you beyond belief and love having Oliver in our class!" So that made me feel better. 

Day 6: I spoke to my psychiatrist this morning and told him that the higher dose does seem to be helping. I haven't had major irritability, and my mood has been less erratic. 

I've been setting up my March janner. I've added purple and blue stickers, and I've finished making all the dream boards for the month. 

I've decided that one of my 50 before 50 goals will be to read at least ten Shirley Jackson Award winners. At the moment, I don't have any overdue library books. That won't last. But I read two graphic novels today: The Impending Blindness of Billie Scott and Shortcomings. 

After weeks of listening to Tick, Tick...BOOM! in the car, I've switched back to the Dear Evan Hansen deluxe album. I also listened to some of Sunday in the Park with George while I got ready. I don't know enough Sondheim. 

Day 7: Josh had to work this morning, so we didn't get our time together. But his afternoon meeting did get canceled, so he came home early. I read Locke & Key 5: Clockworks. That brings me to ten books for the month and 22 for the year!

I packed for Oliver. We picked him up and drove him to Rockingham (with a necessary stop at Arby's; oh the craving) to meet my mother. She's keeping him for the weekend because Josh has a marathon tomorrow and I have a show. Oliver was happy to go as usual. I read two more chapters of Peter Pan and Wendy to the boys in the car. I still may be able to finish it this month. 

Josh decided he needed to go ahead and drive to Wilmington tonight, so this is my first night alone in 10+ years. I took a bubble bath, read some poems, scribbled.

I've now avoided frivolous spending for eight weeks! I have far less compulsion to browse, and my desire for new pretty things has abated a lot. I can do this.

Stillness & Attention: Week 6.

Day 1: Yesterday, I did take that shower, and I read two stories for the magazine. Josh and I washed and changed our star sheets--fresh sheets are always a treat. I even remembered to put on Rose Water and Ivy lotion.  

My Conklin Endura abalone gunmetal pen, a gorgeous piece, clogged with Herbin violet-scented ink. I had to flush it. I'd never known scented inks to clog pens, but this pen must be fragile. I'll only use standard Levenger ink in it from now on. My parents first bought me Levenger ink when I was a teenager. I still have the original bottle of Amethyst. Today, I'm writing with Diamine Happy Holidays ink, which arrived yesterday. I'm disappointed; it's really just navy ink with no sheen and a little gold shimmer. I've wanted all the Diamine Inkvent inks, but a lot of them are unremarkable blues. Still, the next ink I buy will be Diamine Inkvent Blue Peppermint, which is a refreshing turquoise.

I'm drinking a homemade Shirley Temple in a DPAC cup with a rainbow metal straw. Josh cleans a lot of reusable straws for me. I just read three poems from David Lehman's (yes, the Best American Poetry series editor!) The Daily Mirror, a journal in poetry. I was thinking about how I'd like to write a poem each day and how surely some of them would be good. I'd end up with a lot more good poems than I have now anyway. And so I wrote a poem called "Scrub." It has a line that Josh said would be a good book title. Maybe I'll write a collection around that line. 

I got a little depressed last night and didn't do much reading. I've decided to let Fire go; I'm not in the mood for it, and I can check out the E-book again when I have more bookspace in my life. I guess I'd call it a young adult book, so it will go with spring. This morning, I read chapter 7 of Swiftly Tilting Planet to the boys while Josh lifted weights on his green yoga mat in the living room. It was a shorter chapter, so I may start chapter 8 today. Reading L'Engle aloud is getting easier. I loved her four memoirs (The Crosswicks Journals) starting with Circle of Quiet. That book and Wintering by Katherine May are deeply comforting books. 

I sent Circle of Quiet and Wintering to a dear relative who is going through a rough season. I hope the books comfort her as they have comforted me. I also sent My Heart Is a Chainsaw to my brother--not at all comforting but very good. My DREAM boards usually include sending a gift to someone. Last month, I bought a two-year Bella Grace Field Guide to Everyday Magic subscription for another relative who needs a treat, but that won't start arriving until April. In the meantime, I'll write letters. 

My Amazon points arrived! I got three Diamine inks: that Inkvent Blue Peppermint (turquoise green with silver shimmer), Mystique (deep plum with gold shimmer), and Pink Glitz (hot pink with gold shimmer). Next month, I'll get that Paperblanks grande journal. Amazon points let me have a little fun each month according to my rules. I'll take those inks off my NoBuy2022 List, which still includes a lot of books I'm going to try to get from the library. I just did a purchase request for Anatomy: A Love Story, a YA novel by Dana Schwartz.

I made a lot of fried rice with broccoli, green beans (not very authentic, but I didn't have much on hand), and edamame (with shrimp for me). That should feed us for a couple of days. It's one of the few meals I know how to make, and I still take shortcuts (boil-in-a-bag brown rice, steamer bag vegetables), but I feel pretty domestic. Hopefully, Josh will like it. So I did that instead of walking while Josh took Oliver to the park. It was a bit of an arm workout though.

My mood is good today. I've been able to read some of The Paper Palace. I started some more laundry. I put away two loads yesterday...trying not to let clothes take over our bedroom as they sometimes do. Josh has been cleaning. He never complains about chores, and he's ever beating back the dust.

I'm so thankful that I've kept a detailed journal for so long. I was having a lot of anxiety, and I was able to fact check something in my journal. I found it easily, almost 100 journals back. I trust my journal more than my memory. 

My tiny fairy lights arrived! Josh and I strung them around the window. A tiny remote changes the color--white, yellow, red, green, light blue, dark blue, multi. I think I'll turn on the light blue tonight. They won't light up our room like the Christmas tree did--just a glistening. I look forward to looking at the lights from bed. Maybe Oliver won't demand that we turn them off if he wakes up (as he did with the tree). He slept through the night again last night and didn't even wet the bed.

Day 2: Oliver slept through the night again! Now, he's asleep again in our room. He allowed the fairy lights to stay on though he looked at them with great suspicion.

This morning, I'm writing with Van Dieman's Night Twilight Mist ink. This is the ink of which I ended up with two bottles. I don't mind--it's lovely, deep violet with pink shimmer. It's now my current favorite ink.

I wrote a poem! It's not a particularly good one, but it's called "Chafing." I'm going to try to write a poem every day. I'll type this one up even though it's mediocre. Josh liked it. I'm thinking about that new collection I'm building. Maybe I'll have it written by the end of the year. If I write a poem every day, I should be able to write and revise enough good ones. My first poetry collection was some sixteen years in the making. It shouldn't take me that long.

I hope to get a kitten someday. We're not allowed pets at this house, and not having pets has some advantages. I'd like a black kitten; I'd name her Specter. Just one cat. Maybe Oliver would bond with her. 

At the moment, Josh is out on a 20-mile run, and Oliver is still sleeping. The house is silent but for the sigh of the heat. I'm under my heated throw, polishing off a Dr. Pepper. I've been reading poems from The Daily Mirror. Lehman doesn't use punctuation, so I tried using less in today's poem--it works with the urgent tone.

I've written five letters today, two of them thank-you cards for generous gifts my step-family sent to help with Oliver's expenses. I also replaced all the empty Wallflowers in the house--Holiday, Sweet Pea, Sweet Cinnamon Pumpkin, Fresh Fallen Snow. I never tire of cinnamon. I don't know if my Wallflower stock will last through the year. I'll be sure to save some candles for the holiday season. 

When she visited early this week, my mom brought me a Wendy doll. It was accidentally especially appropriate because my poem "Wendy" has just been published. The doll has frosty lips, auburn curls, and a glittery nightgown.

I finished The Paper Palace! So that's one book for the month and 13 for the year. I'm still on track. It was a good book but pretty rough in content. Next up, Mexican Gothic. I read The Beautiful Ones recently, and I'll probably read more Silvia Moreno Garcia. I looked at the blurbs from other authors and added several books to my list. I attended a Gothic fiction seminar and considered taking a class. I would like to try to write Gothic fiction. My only Gothic-ish story is "Her Pearl-Handled Knife."

Day 3: Oliver is back at school and happy about it. I'm writing with my pink marble Moonman fountain pen with a bent nib, using Herbin rose-scented ink. Lovely.

Josh and I spent the morning together. He napped while I scribbled, and we cuddled. I ate Ramen with green beans and boiled egg--pretty good. Josh is at work now, 12-8. I'll miss him. Oliver and I will be on our own. Josh and I aren't often apart for that long.

I just filled one of my TWSBI Ecos with Aurora Australis ink from Van Dieman's Night collection, a shimmering grape juice purple with a hint of green sheen.

Day 4: I'm writing with Van Dieman's Night Shooting Star ink, blue with red sheen and gold shimmer. I've decided I'm not in love with sheening ink--it's not very impressive. I prefer shimmer.

Josh and I spent another morning together. He will start testing again on Thursday afternoons. I wrote a poem called "Lodged." It's nothing amazing, but it is a poem! I also caught up on reading for the magazine.

Day 5: Josh and I took Oliver to school together and got groceries this morning. I bought frozen chicken and whole wheat pasta. I got ranch dressing, cheese Alfredo sauce, seasoned salt, and cinnamon. I have three servings of chicken thawing in the fridge. I'll bake them tomorrow. 

Josh and I had more time together, and I'm so grateful for that. We had Caesar salad for lunch before he went to work. I had an episode of high blood pressure with a headache and dizziness. This is the second afternoon that's happened. I don't know why, but I'm better now.

I'm still in a reading slump though I have been reading to the boys (we're on chapter 9 of 12 in Swiftly Tilting Planet) and reading a few poems each day. I did not realize how much Madeleine L'Engle wrote! I've only read A Wrinkle in Time, Wind in the Door, The Joys of Love, and the four Crosswick Journals. I may try to read her other series and her poetry. I have a book of her short stories, which I bought at a little bookstore in Southern Pines.

A lot of books are due tomorrow, and I will not be taking them back. I have a lot of catching up to do. I did write a poem called "Cash," which about what I bought in New York City. Again, it's not special, but this is my fourth day of writing a daily poem!

Oliver slept through the night again, and he may actually attend school for a full week! Masks are becoming optional in public schools soon, so we may see a surge of COVID again. Josh is home now and writing to me in a letter journal we share. 

Today, I wore pastels--lavender, pale pink, and glacial green with a matching necklace I've had for years. I like rediscovering fun jewelry I bought back when I was teaching. Tomorrow, I may start that 40 Day Dress Challenge, mostly just to see if I can do it. I'll miss my jeans. But Josh likes my wearing dresses. Maybe he won't really notice that it's the same dress every day.

I like this photo of the shoes I left in the living room yesterday:

(Keds, New Balance, and Irregular Choice)

I also wrote today with Diamine Magical Forest ink, which is green with great shimmer that looks multi-colored.

Day 6: I've been deep in Mexican Gothic today. I came out of it long enough to bake chicken and make whole wheat pasta with spinach and broccoli. So I have a few mealies ready for Josh and myself.

"...but then she tended toward opulence. Besides, she wanted to defy the gloom around her."

~Silvia Moreno-Garcia, Mexican Gothic 37

I love this--defying the gloom. That's the motivation with which I started this blog eleven years ago--to defy the gloom in the world, in my family, and especially in myself. I finished the book just before I got ready to go pick up Oliver from school. Tonight, I'll go see Bruce and Corey. We might finish this season of American Horror Story. I'd like to start the second season of Locke & Key next week. I also have so many movies I want to watch. 

No spoilers here, but a bit close to the end of MG sums up what I've been trying to do most of my life:

"She must practice, she thought. It was all practice. She'd learn to live without worry, without fears, without any darkness chasing after her."

~Silvia Moreno-Garcia, Mexican Gothic 298

I continue to practice.

I'm writing today with Diamine's shimmer Cobalt Jazz.

Day 7: I'm racing to finish another book on which someone has placed a hold. I try not to keep books late if someone is waiting. This one is due tomorrow: Ruby Slippers, Golden Tears, an anthology of adult fantasy, mostly contemporary fairy tales. So I have two days to read twenty-one tales. I'd like to get to know current fantasy writers; some of these authors were in the Once upon a Time anthology I read last year. But these tales actually aren't so current--they're from the 1990s, which, alas, was a long time ago. I've gotten to see some of my poetry in fantasy magazines Sounds of the Night (sensual stuff) and Illumen (speculative poetry) as well as Cover of Darkness (horror). I'd like to write more fairy tales.

I forgot to write a poem yesterday, but I did read poems. I'll get back on track today. I finished my Papier journal and started a new Punch Studio journal also suited to February. 

I've been writing with my new Diamine Inkvent shimmer ink in Blue Peppermint, which is now one of my favorite inks. It's a lovely turquoise with blue shimmer. 

I'm now dressed in stone blue pajama shorts and top, ready for the weekend with my boys.

Stillness & Attention: Week 5.

Day 1: Today, I woke up at the more-acceptable time of 5:20 a.m. I finished reading Mapping the Interior. 3 stars. I might have given it more if I hadn't already read My Heart Is a Chainsaw, which amazed me (5 stars). 

I continued work on our taxes and found that we owe a hefty amount. Apparently, the college wasn't taking taxes out of Josh's testing pay. So no new car is happening any time soon, and I'm holding off on filing until we've saved enough to pay the taxes. This is quite discouraging, especially since we just had to replace our dryer. But the NCSEAA did send Oliver's grant money to his school, so we're not also trying to juggle tuition. This seems to be another validation of our ABA decision.

I found that one of the CookUnity mealies was open and leaking in the fridge. So that's a point against CU, and I won't be eating blackened catfish with warm potato salad. 

I've been writing today with a sample of Diamine's Inkvent Polar Glow ink. The pen I flushed (after the great Robert Oster ink clog) is working fine again. I plan on using a dip pen in RO ink. 

My February janner arrived yesterday, so I've been setting it up. I'm hoping February will be a little more stable than January has been, both internally and externally. Only two more days remain in this month. I don't really go anywhere, so I won't see the Valentine's Day decor, but I'll know it's there. We have a rose velvet heart in lieu of a wreath on our front door. When people try to visit us, they say, "Do you have a heart on your door?" Yes, and a giant golden snowflake over the porch. Hearts and snowflakes are always stylish to me.

I really want to put fairy lights up in our room, maybe around the window. But I don't have any loose ones, so that will have to wait. I loved falling asleep in the glow of the Christmas tree. Right now, I see the flicker of a cinnamon candle on the mantle.

I finished The Unswept Room in bed. That's book 12 for the month and year. It's also book 850 total! I shouldn't have much trouble getting to 1,000 books by my fortieth birthday.

Day 2: I'm writing with Diamine's Inkvent Jack Frost ink. The shimmer actually showed up in the photo!

Today, I've tried the CookUnity garlic butter chicken with broccolini and the cod with jasmine rice. Both were pretty good. So far, I'm still liking Factor the best of the meal plans I've tried. But CookUnity has a ton of choices, including some good seafood, which is harder to find. 

We found out yesterday that Oliver's school will be virtual this coming week because someone connected with the school has COVID. We don't know more than that. But this means Oliver will be at home for nine days in a row. Poor guy. That also means Josh and I will have to get all our alone time while Oliver is sleeping. 

I'm thinking about my ink collection. I have a small drawer full of ink bottles in their boxes and more in a purple glitter box on top of my desk. I'm wondering if I can clear out some of my home school drawer to make more ink space. I'd like to move down what's in my other small top drawer (Prisma Color pencils, stationery, tape, thumbtacks, and such) so both small drawers can hold ink. 

I'm in another race against library deadlines. I have about twelve days to finish several books. Let's see what I can do. I've read very little today, but I did finish reading chapter 3 of Swiftly Tilting Planet to the boys. I accomplished a couple other tasks today. I ran more laundry, cleaned up my nest (my chair and ottoman, always covered in books and notebooks), cleared some space for my ink in the other small desk drawer, and wrote two letters and a thank-you note.

Day 3: I slept until 7:30 today! That was nice. Josh kindly took over morning meeting with Oliver. He also picked up Oliver's school binder after a newspaper interview on Charles Chestnutt (on whom Josh sort of accidentally became an expert after randomly finding his journals at City Center Books downtown). I worked on reading for the magazine. I did some cleaning and did a math worksheet with Oliver. He doesn't understand much of what he's doing, but he's mostly cooperative. 

My poem, "Wendy," came out today in Gingerbread House Literary Magazine. Check out the great art the editors included! I wrote the poem about eleven years ago, and now it's out in the world. I'm excited about this publication, and I've been waiting for it. I'll have another poem in the summer issue. I volunteered to be a beta tester for creative writing activity series my friend and former MFA classmate created. With Oliver home, I may not get to it until next week, but it will be fun. 

The peppermint hot chocolate candle is burning, and I'm drinking too much Dr. Pepper. Oliver is eating vanilla wafers. We have a lot more work to do. I read chapter four of STP to him and Josh before Josh left for work. I'm trying to read one chapter each day, which should be easier this week since Oliver will be home. Today will be a short work day because Josh and I are going to Mystery Science Theater 3,000 Live at DPAC tonight. My mom will arrive later to keep Oliver for the night. I made the mistake of telling Oliver Marmee was coming, so he's been looking out the study windows for her. 

I won't have a lot of time for reading today, but I've got to make some progress with The Paper Palace, which looks like it might be quite good. I'll be keeping library books late again. I hate breaking small rules. I have a hold ready (The Ocean House, stories), so I'll probably go to the library tomorrow. I have a couple of books to return...check out one and return two!

Oliver and I just did some math "goal work." We worked on number cards; he knows 1-10 pretty well, and we're trying to get 11-15. I was pleased that he recognized most numbers on a different set of cards, this set handwritten. We attempted some hand-over-hand number writing with a marker on a laminated sheet, but that was a bit of a mess. I don't think Oliver will learn to write. I wonder if he could learn to type some words eventually. His IEP team recommended shifting from hand writing to typing. I never realized that the letters on a keyboard are lowercase, which is harder for him to recognize.

Day 4: Josh and I went to MST3k last night. We also met and had dinner with Josh's friend and his daughter. I ate thai fried rice with shrimp. The show was lots of fun. We both did a good bit of laughing out loud. The actors and puppeteers were quite talented. It was a late night; I took over the last 20 minutes of driving around midnight. We probably won't do that kind of thing again. 

I have not read or scribbled today.  

Day 5: Last night, I got into a deep and frightening depression. A couple of old friends reached out to me, and I need to let them. I don't know why I exist. I've got to rethink how I open and express myself. I need to avoid making any serious decisions right now. I finally took ibuprofen PM and melatonin, took a bubble bath, and went to sleep. Sometimes, a bath and sleep are all I can do to feel better. 

I found out today that we will probably not be able to renew Oliver's financial aid for next year. His eligibility determination has expired (I didn't know this), and renewal requires public school testing. We probably can't get that testing by the deadline, and the public schools don't want to interact with children who won't or can't wear a mask. I've already told his school that we want a spot for next year. I guess we'll just have to keep the old car and hope that God provides for tuition. I'm already holding off on some dental work I need. I've looked into full-time work, but with Oliver's erratic schedule (and his needs that are beyond babysitters), I don't know how I could work full-time. Still, I'll probably apply for an open position at the local community college. It would mean losing my disability benefits, most importantly my Medicare. I probably should just home school Oliver until the pandemic ends (if it does) since he won't be able to attend public school without a mask. 

I'm currently eating a Lindt truffle. This seems like a good move.

It does look like the ESA funds for this semester are coming. It won't fully cover spring tuition as I hoped, but it will help. I have to go through an approval process once I get an updated statement from the school. I've been E-mailing someone who is going to look into Oliver's eligibility for next year; it's at least worth a try.

I looked back at my files from last year, and I think I do have the eligibility determination document I need! I don't know how to update it with NCSEAA, so I've E-mailed the program. Maybe I'll be able to resolve this with help. The school system staff person I've been E-mailing has been incredibly kind, responsive, and helpful. I sent an E-mail to her boss. I hope she gets recognition if not a raise. Thank God for nice people, especially the ones who don't bite my head off when I'm clueless. I need to invest in some chill; I'm naturally a snappy person, and I used to be really critical of Josh. I try, now, to be quiet unless it really matters...without silencing myself all together. It's not an easy balance for me.

So as you know, I'm crazy about Valentine's Day--not really the holiday itself or the romance but the style and decor. Well, I stumbled upon this Valentine's Day fountain pen on Goulet Pens. It's a stunner. Look at that heart-shaped glitter! Josh says I need a Valentine's Day present. The pen isn't actually out yet, but I'm on the notification list...maybe by the time it comes out, I will have resolved the financial aid issue and saved enough to pay our taxes!

Josh has continued to take care of Morning Meeting online. God bless him. Tomorrow, Josh will be teaching at that time. Putting on eyeliner before 8:30 a.m. will probably be good for me.

I finished updating my January janner last night. My habits page doesn't look great. "10 Things" is my way of getting myself to clean up at least ten things every day--even if one is just hanging up a shirt. I did get 27 DREAM streaks across 9 boards! No black-outs, but it's still pretty good. I finally finished decorating my February janner and making my DREAM boards. I accomplished nothing yesterday (no highlighting, no stickers for me), but I can still make this a good month. 

I did talk to my therapist yesterday; she agrees that I have a chemical imbalance right now. I'll just keep taking my meds and follow my new dosage. Josh picked up some prescriptions for me. He's always so willing to run errands. Today, he got groceries (we couldn't go together since Oliver is home. We don't take Oliver to stores right now because he's a bit unpredictable and he doesn't wear a mask) and changed the air filters. He also gave me a massage last night when I was in the depths of despair.

Day 6: I'm wearing my lock and key charm bracelet today. 

Yesterday, I took an hour-long walk and used my small weights for arm workouts. I also realized that I am probably in a mixed state. I'm depressed but also impulsive and full of venom. I haven't spent money though. I did call my brother yesterday, and we talked about graphic novels, TV shows, and movies. I'm thinking that when Josh takes Oliver to the park, I'll go for walks and/or call James.

At least I've been writing today. I'm terribly behind on reading. I hope to go to the library today to pick up holds. I have a couple of books to return. I need to leave the house more. I think I'll have an easier time next week when Oliver is back in school and Josh and I have more time together. I doubt I'll read ten books this month as I'm nowhere near finishing anything now. I'm trying to give myself grace and give my new dosage a chance to work. My moods, so far, are continuing in an erratic pattern like that of January. In the first six days of January, I experienced all six of the moods I chart.

I did Morning Meeting online today, and I have more school work to do with Oliver. He has a new classmate. I haven't heard back from the NCSEAA about Oliver's eligibility determination. One E-mail could radically alter a year of our lives. And if we lose financial aid now, who knows when we'll get back in the running?

Today, the world is warm and gloomy. I'm sore and crabby and a little dizzy. I'm looking forward to Josh's getting home. Sometimes his touch seems like the only comfort I can experience. Oliver is eating fish sticks like crazy--he ate twenty-three of them yesterday. Josh's recent interview appears in an article on Charles Chestnutt, an important Black writer who spent a lot of time in our city of Fayetteville.

I feel scraped raw--brain and heart and parts of my body. A mixed state is the worst extremes of bipolar disorder conjoined. Josh has given me my only moments of peace today. I hope we can spend some time together after Oliver goes to bed. I read a few pages of STP to the boys until I realized Josh was asleep. Reading something was kind of nice. I want to read The Paper Palace, but I don't feel like I can lift my arms. Oliver is stomping and jumping and laughing and babbling, and I hurt. I just want a bath and bed and Josh. I can't find stillness, and my attention vibrates with dissonance. February 1 was depressed, February 2 was anxious, and today is exhausted. I know this has been a long week. Maybe next week will be better. 

I did go to the library to return two books and check out four holds. I have a mountain of books waiting, and I can't open one. I want hot water to consume me. Josh just lit the peppermint hot chocolate candle. Oliver is starting to wind down a little. Maybe this terrible clenching in my upper body will stop. 

I usually reserve this blog for wellness and keep illness to its sister blog. But my mental health influences my spending and my reading and vice versa, so I guess it's relevant. These posts have become more like a diary than I expected. 

Today had a couple of wins though: I showered, dressed, and put on makeup (including blush and eyeliner); started a load of laundry; and went to the library. Josh says he'll go work out tomorrow after Morning Meeting, so maybe I'll get some time with him before Oliver wakes up.

Day 7: Five weeks in. I haven't spent money on myself, and I've read twelve books. I'd like to be further along with the reading, but I'm still ahead for my goal.

So far today, I feel a lot better. Last night, I took a bubble bath, read a little, spent some time with Josh, and slept well--restoration. I'm writing with a sample of Diamine Red Lustre ink--crimson with gold shimmer. 

I'd love to do lettering, but I don't think I have the talent for it. I almost took a calligraphy class last year. Maybe I'll still do that someday. 

I was hoping to hear from the NCSEAA today, but that seems unlikely. I'll have to wait until Monday. But the deadline is still two weeks away, so I have a little time left. I hope it will be an easy fix. I'm a little bummed that the ESA turned out to be about $2k less than I expected. At least it will cover a lot of the remaining tuition. 

Josh bought me a Valentine's Day present. Two. They are pink and sparkly, and I can't wait to see them. I'm glad I'll get to acknowledge the loveliness of Valentine's Day! We don't usually exchange Valentine's Day presents since our anniversary is so near, but I'm for it this year. I have a few ideas for Josh. 

I returned some pants I'd bought for Josh. They ended up having an elastic waist (weird if you have to tuck in a dress shirt) and looking more like chef's pants than dress pants. Anyway, Amazon issued my refund as a gift card, so I can't use that money for tuition, taxes, a car, or anything else. So I used it to buy ink (Diamine Peacock Flare) and color-changing fairy lights for our bedroom. I want to sleep under twinkle lights! I hope Josh will help me put them up around the big window in our room. I'll probably set them to white, blue, or green...maybe multi-color sometimes. What I miss most about Christmas time are candles, Christmas scents (cinnamon!), and lights. So I'll just carry them on through the year!

Now, I'm writing with Diamine Moon Dust: gray-blue with silver shimmer.

My E-loan of Fire: Tales of Elemental Spirits expires in a couple of days; I'm going to try to finish it. Paper Palace is due on Monday, so I'm hoping I can finish both books this weekend. I have more books due on the 10th, but I won't be returning those on time. I have another hold waiting for me. I'll probably never catch up with myself, but trying is a fun challenge.

My mood remains good. Evenings are usually harder. But maybe if I keep myself busy, I won't get down. I may put stickers in another New York journal tonight. Playing with my stickers almost always puts me in a good mood. I gather these comforts to me in tiny bouquets like nosegays. My next challenge is to take a shower. That still feels like a big task. I haven't gone a day without a shower in a long time though. Sometimes, Josh talks to me while I shower. When Oliver isn't here, I listen to music. Sometimes I don't make it into the shower until right before bed. But I get there.

The peppermint hot chocolate candle burned out; I'm going to light Crushed Candy Cane. My candle stores are not going to last! Maybe I'll request candles for my birthday. I'll be turning thirty-seven, which will leave me with three years to complete my goals. I need to do another check-in on my 40 Before 40 list soon. I haven't made great progress since the last check-in. I haven't placed in a writing contest...but I have entered a chapbook contest twice! 

I'd like to get back to sending submissions, but it seems pretty overwhelming. My novella is almost ready for the agent query process. I just need to revise my synopsis and cover letter, and these seem like massive tasks. I do have good feedback, though, from author Emily Colin, with whom I took a YA novel-writing class online last year. One goal I have for this month is to set up my website (which I consider a professional expense rather than a fun spend) as Emily urged us to have one in action before the querying process. I'll need Josh's help with that! I also need him to proofread the third draft of my novella...you're not busy; are you, darling?

Stillness & Attention: Week 3.

Day 1: Two weeks without frivolous spending. I've had thoughts about glittery water bottles and Pilot Juice Up metallic pens, but I haven't purchased them. At least everyone is ready for work (clothes) and school (supplies) this coming week. 

As far as I know, Oliver will go back to school on Tuesday. I've loaded his backpack with his daubers, his favorite photo book, his favorite board book, Skittles, a change of cold weather clothes, and his Brr Brr (his old comfort toy...just in case). I hope he's all set. I hope his teachers are prepared to work more directly with him. His lead teacher and I have been exchanging E-mails, and she suggested I pack all those items for him. I included explanatory notes: gold ink on black paper: He likes to look at these photos and talk about what he's doing in them. He's outgrown Brr Brr but may still like to have him around (we have multiple Brr Brrs). This is an extra copy. It's no big deal if this gets beat up.

Josh's parents were supposed to visit today, but his mom isn't feeling well. For the next three days, I have nowhere to go and nothing much that I really have to do. It's a nice feeling. I do hope to do some cleaning and put away a lot of laundry. 

We found out that the college is hiring out weekly COVID testing, so Josh will no longer do that. We'll miss the extra money he earned, and he'll miss doing something so concrete to help with the pandemic. But this opens up his schedule quite a bit, and I'm excited about having more time with him. Next week, we should get some time alone. 

Josh is still the highest bidder on the Charlotte Bronte doll! It will probably get crazy on the last day. 

I can't believe I'm already starting the third week of this year. This morning, I've been reading Locke & Key Volume 3: Crown of Shadows. This is going to be a graphic novel and poetry weekend. I plan to read at least three books by Friday. I've started Handwriting: Poems by Michael Ondaatje.

I put away three baskets of laundry! I'm caught up...for the moment.

Day 2: 

"...because I felt, surprisingly and reassuringly, a slight panic for my own preservation, I started reading line by line."

~Louise Erdrich, The Sentence 83

This reassuring slight panic, when I experience it, drives me to write or read. When I'm lazy, disconnected, or depressed, I don't do these things, these life-affirming, life-strangling actions. And when I don't do these, I'm often disgusted with myself.

Yesterday, I went to renew some library books online and found that The Sentence by Louise Erdrich is in demand, so it is due on Tuesday. That gives me just a couple of days to read it. I'm almost 100 pages into the 380-page book. I have a long way to go!

It's an icy day. Josh ran 14 miles in cold rain. Oliver had gone back to bed at that point, so I did the same: I got in my cool bed in my dim room and slept for an hour or so. Naps are rare for me; I can't even sleep at night without meds. So this was a treat. Otherwise, I've mostly read. 

BlendJet now has Lisa Frank designs. Seriously? Suddenly, smoothies sound great. 

We've basically gotten our restaurant food for the month. Josh went out for soda and water-resistant running pants last night and came home with burgers (Impossible for him) from The Habit. And today, we ordered pizza and garlic knots with a gift card the Red Cross gave him at the blood drive. Unless Oliver wants the rest of the thin-crust sausage, I'll be eating cold pizza in the morning. I love eating lunch and dinner foods for breakfast; it's odd. 

Day 3: Today is a bonus weekend day because of MLK Day. The boys are both home. 

I finished The Sentence by 3 o'clock! I gave it 5 stars; it's my favorite of the three Erdrich books I've read. 

Day 4: I spoke to my therapist today and recommended The Sentence and My Heart Is a Chainsaw to her. I finished One of Us Is Lying; I may read the sequel. I'm starting the book Wounds, horror short stories by Nathan Ballingrud. I'm now at six books for the year, so I'm right on track...even slightly ahead.

Oliver is back at school, and Josh and I spent the morning together. For most of that time, we were waiting for the pest control guy to come. He asked us whether one of us had made all the art in the house. We assured him that we hadn't. He loved the Amy Brown mermaid by the front door. The man has good taste. I wish we were worthy of his belief in our talent!

Oliver was happy to get back to school and even leaned into his TA's hug. This is his first day without an RBT. I haven't heard anything yet. 

Today, I'm expecting some heavily discounted mealies (what we call pre-made frozen or refrigerated meals) from Factor. Last year, I enjoyed some heavily discounted Freshly mealies. They were pretty good. I'll pay $6 for a mealie, but I won't pay $10.

I had a good long talk on the phone with my mom. We discussed ABA again, and I continue to feel more reassured that we made the right decision. We talked about her health and about my recent day of solid depression. I did realize, though, that I missed my meds the night before that crash. So it actually makes perfect sense, and I haven't crashed again since. Obviously, my meds are doing a lot of good work.

I got started on our taxes as some forms arrived today. I'm waiting on Josh's W2. I hope we won't owe anything. Any refund we get will go toward a down payment for a car. Josh's car has refused to start three times in the last two weeks, but we're going to try to save for a few months--anything we can do to get a lower monthly payment.

Day 5: Oliver got an almost-perfect behavior sheet yesterday, and his teacher wrote that he had an amazing day and she thinks we made a great decision that will encourage his independence. Wow! So I feel a lot better. 

I've eaten two Factor mealies and a Panera Bowl mealie since yesterday. The first Factor meal was garlic shrimp and broccoli in a tomato cream sauce--not particularly filling but very good! The second was Italian sausage, red peppers, and rosemary red potatoes--also good. The Panera Bowl was chicken caprese: shell pasta, sun-dried tomatoes, spinach, and chicken in pesto--yum. We went grocery shopping today, and gracious, it was expensive! But we're all set for whatever ice or snow is set to come on Friday. I bought everything a big batch of the pasta salad Josh likes (tricolor vegetable pasta, Zesty Italian dressing, cucumber, and fancy-shredded Mozzarella, plus mini pepperoni for my portions).

Josh and I spent another morning together with lots of snuggles. It's so nice to be still and close to him without the impending stomp-stomp-stomp into our room! Oliver didn't want to wake up this morning, but when Josh said, "It's time for school," Oliver popped right up! I'm guessing he probably won't have school on Friday because of the weather, and he's off on Monday. So he gets one more day. I noticed last week that Oliver seemed more relaxed at home without ABA people here. Maybe the company for six hours a day stressed him out too. 

I agreed to meet with Oliver's former BCBA tomorrow morning at 9:30. I'm not looking forward to that. I just want to say, "Hey, we broke up!" Josh will be in class from 9 to 1. I won't have to leave the house though! A day in which I don't have to drive is a good day, and it means Josh can use the reliable car.

I found some Violette stickers I didn't know I had, and I organized new stickers from my Pipsticks subscription. I decorated one of the journals I bought at Le Guardia airport in December. It's a Paperblanks journal with a Valentine's Day design, and I'll probably use it next. I love the decor and style of Valentine's Day. I knew this time of year would be tough for NoBuy because I love pink and red heart tops and socks and decor. I just need to stay away from Target, Loft, and...pretty much everywhere else. I still haven't spent any money on myself for fun this year--19 days! Another temptation is a Paperblanks Grande journal, which is beautiful and huge. I may be able to save up Amazon points for one.

Josh is still trying to get that Charlotte Bronte doll for my birthday; the auction ends tonight. I've also always wanted a Scarlett O'Hara doll because she has dark hair and green eyes like I do, and this one is gorgeous. So if Josh doesn't get Charlotte, I may ask him for Scarlett for my birthday. 

I'm having a hard time reading again. I'll try to fix that tonight.

Day 6: I didn't fix that. 

I've had other Factor meals: cauliflower pasta with marinara, sausage, and green beans (too spicy for me, but I love the way they season the green beans) and herb chicken with seasoned potatoes and Mozzarella. 

I'm thinking about how I can batch-cook my own version of some of these mealies. I could buy frozen chicken breasts, but I don't know what to do with them besides marinate them in Italian dressing. I did buy some fully-cooked frozen shrimp that would be good with asparagus and Parmesan couscous. I'm no cook. I used to buy frozen tilapia at Aldi and season it with Old Bay. Maybe I'll start doing that again. It's hard to cook meat when I'm the only one who eats it. 

Something else I like: Fratelli Beretta's Italian Style Small Plates. I found them with the Lunchables at Food Lion. I tried one with rustico salami, provolone, and mini bread sticks. I also got one with crostini, spicy provolone, and calabrese salami. I love charcuterie, which my family called dinner snacks. It can be as basic as summer sausage with Colby jack cubes and Wheat Thins or fancier with brie, sesame crackers, crab dip, grapes, and gourmet salami.

Josh did not win the Charlotte Bronte doll, and the Scarlett doll sold. So that's sad. I found a stunning and relatively reasonable Madame Alexander Cissy (21-inch) with the classic Cissy face. I like her dress and her medium-blond curls, but I most love her face. Cisettes (10-inch) and Cissys have wide faces like mine, and this doll has shiny dark nude lips (which reminds me of the lipstick I wore in high school) and light green eyes. 

I met with the BCBA and signed the discharge papers. We're done. ABA did Oliver a lot of good at various points, but it's time to move on. His occupational therapist should be back from maternity leave next month. In the meantime, he's getting plenty of personal attention and individualized activities at school. I've gotten no new word about Oliver's grant, so we will probably have to pay tuition for January out of pocket. 

Today, I've had a few hours at home by myself. I organized more stickers and decorated another journal I got in New York, this one a Peter Pauper Press (arguably my favorite line though the Strand Denik journals may win individually) journal with purple trees and red flowers. I wrote in my current journal (also a PPP, this one with a blue tree...I love PPP tree journals!) with a TWSBI Eco purple fountain pen with a sample of shimmery Diamine Lilac Satin ink (from a sample set I bought a year or two ago from Goulet Pen Co.). I have a big purple blotch on my middle finger--a writer's love bruise. I did ask for this Compoco firefly journal for my birthday. I also like this, this, and this. 

I think I have plenty of ink for this NoBuy year. We'll see! I am still waiting for some Van Dieman's Night ink I ordered from Australia last year after discovering the wonder of shimmer (sparkly) and sheen (duochrome) inks. Just remember, shimmering and sheening inks can clog most pens. I've found TWSBI Eco with a broad or stub nib to be the best, but Robert Oster Fire and Ice ink clogged my stub nib (so pretty and ultra shimmery though--I'll have to seek out one of my dip pens). I also love scented inks, which, in my experience, work well in any good pen. I'd love a scented sample pack...did you read that, Josh? I know; I know. I'm running out of birthday presents. 

Day 7: I did finish reading two stories from Wounds last night. They were quite dark. I liked "The Diabolist." I also read two chapters of The Patchwork Girl of Oz to the boys, so I did a decent amount of reading. For the last couple of days, I've felt lonely and sad in the evenings, but I think part of that is because I haven't been reading enough.

Josh ordered me the beautiful doll for my birthday! I'm thinking of what I will name her. Iris? Emmy? London? I'd love to collect clothes for her eventually. I wish I could sew clothes for her, but I'm much too lazy and impatient to learn. I saw a beautiful white and blue satin coat with sparkly buttons for a Cissy. I'm happy to have this doll to look forward to. In under five months, I'll see her lovely face. 

Josh and Oliver are home today due to winter weather that probably won't come. I'm under my heated blanket with an ice peppermint mocha I made. 

I'm working on the budget for next month. I don't think I'll be able to save much toward a down payment for a car, but I'll save as much as I can. Josh will get a little more testing money from December. We still have to pay for this month's ABA sessions. But I'm hoping Oliver's grant will come through, and the money we have for January tuition can go toward a down payment instead. I want to have a $3,000 down payment. $5,000 would be great, but that's not going to happen.

More Factor mealies! Grilled chicken in a creamy sauce with sun-dried tomatoes, spinach, and zucchini noodles--delicious, definitely my favorite (It's called Sun-Dried Tomato Chicken). Yesterday, I had pork tenderloin with cheesy cabbage (I didn't eat the cabbage because ew) and...you guessed it: green beans. Luckily, Factor knows how to make good green beans, and they're one of my favorite vegetables. Verdict: if you get a good discount, Factor is worthwhile (again, I don't go over about $6 a mealie). I like the Factor mealies better than Freshly (which is also pretty good). I'm trying a couple more heavily-discounted mealie plans in the next few weeks. One of them will actually include some meal kits--am I competent enough to cook something with all the ingredients before me? We'll see. They're two-serving kits, so I'll have leftovers. After that, I'm adding mealie plans to my NoBuy list. I'll learn to make my own. I'm getting lots of good ideas though. I want to try making good steamer bag long green beans with seasoning and slivered almonds--no more canned green beans for a while!

I finished my PPP blue tree journal and began my Paperblanks Valentina journal! It's #217. When I remember, I always write where and when I bought or received a journal inside the back cover. It's fun to see how long I've had a journal waiting and who gave it to me or whom I was with when I bought it. This one was technically a gift from my dad. Thanks, Dad!

Paperblanks journal pages are too thin for fountain pens, so I plan to use a variety of gel pens. I'm no longer sticking to two colors per journal; I'm writing with whatever I feel like using. I'm starting with a Uni ball Signo pen in gold--one I bought at Kinokuniya in New York City. 

My Van Dieman's ink arrived from Australia! They made a mistake with my order and sent two 50 ml bottles of Twilight Mist (indigo shimmer) instead of one TM and one Cherry Blossom Dream. I sent them an E-mail, so we'll see how the customer service is. I also got two 100 ml bottles: Shooting Star (sheening red/blue with gold shimmer) and Aurora Australis (sheening purple/green). I'll probably choose a journal with thicker paper next so I can try out the inks. It's fun to get something now that I ordered last year. Hopefully, they'll just send me that other bottle. I don't want to deal with international return shipping.

I got Oliver a pair of slippers with rubber soles and furry lining. They're perfect for playing in the backyard because he doesn't have to wear socks, and he can just about put the slippers on himself. That's good because he likes to go in and out a lot, which made the shoes-socks-coat routine taxing.

Josh and I put my favorite star sheets on our bed. I love going to bed with new sheets. I read two chapters of Oz 7 to the boys. We only have three chapters left! I may take a break from Oz and finish reading A Swiftly Tilting Planet to them. Both the Oz and Wrinkle in Time series are on my 40 before 40 list. We have a total of eleven books left to read together in the next few years. Whew. I have so many books for myself on that list, and I'm starting to feel I'm running low on time! Eventually, I'd like to read The Chronicles of Narnia to the boys. I just finished the series myself during grad school...which was actually a long time ago. Oh dear. 

Oliver just put on his slippers all by himself! He's making his fourth trip into the backyard. It's cold! We still haven't seen any precipitation though. I'm hoping Josh's parents will still be able to visit tomorrow for his birthday.

Stuff I'm Loving Right Now.

• Silk + Sonder. I started my subscription to this monthly journal/planner hybrid. It comes with membership to a supportive, inspiring Facebook group. People share their creative pages and give each other ideas for how to use the blank Notes pages. I'm almost done using my first month's janner! I also got the Annual Supplement, which I'll work on throughout the year. I was worried that I wouldn't be able to keep up with the janner and my journal, but it's been fine. Once I finish February, I'll post some of my pages. 
• Long-stem strawberries. These are huge and sweet. I've never enjoyed strawberries so much, and I'm not even eating them with whipped cream. 
• Francesca Lia Block's Rose and the Beast. I'm rereading this. It's the first Block book I read. I found it completely by accident at the Arboretum Barnes. The cover is so gorgeous. I love fairy tale retellings. It's fulfilling my fairy-tale-a-day goal right now. Her language just drips with sparkle. Next month, I'm taking a writing and healing class with Block! I can't believe it. I've just finished reading her Thorn Necklace, a memoir/book on writing. I'm trying to get reacquainted with her work. I've also gathered some of the books she's discussed in Thorn Necklace. I want to get as much as possible out of this class. How many people get to take a class with their favorite authors? Care to join in? 
• Fairy Tales from Hans Christian Anderson, with illustrations by Tasha Tudor. My mom sent me this as a gift to help with my fairy-tale-a-day habit. Tasha Tudor is one of our favorite artists. The vintage book even has a snowflake on it. I love snowflakes.
• Dreams about snow. We only gotten a glimpse or two of snow here, but I've been dreaming about beautiful, non-destructive snow. I've seen huge, intricate snowflakes that show off their designs and stick to windows and branches. Usually, my dreams are complex and stressful, so this was a nice change. 
• PrismaColor pencils. I discovered these when I took a homeschool art class at thirteen. I've loved them and bought them for others ever since. I chose seven colors (violet, medium purple, pink, deep rose, silver, forest green, and bright blue) to use in my janner this month. I've used them not just for the included coloring page but also for habit and mood trackers. 
• Madame Alexander dolls. I just can't get over them. I finally got the two 10-inch dolls I've wanted so much (one of them I've wanted for about twenty years): Jo Goes to New York Trunk Set and the lovely Jane Eyre. I've set up the Anne of Green Gables doll I got from my parents for my eighth birthday as well. A couple of years ago, my mom gave me a 10-inch Cinderella--gorgeous. Most of my dolls are 20+ years old, but they're all beautiful. I have them atop bookcases and my dresser in the study and my bedroom. I'm having surgery week after next, and those dolls will keep me company and give me something beautiful to look at while I recover.
• Paperblanks journals. My favorite journal brand is Peter Pauper Press, but Paperblanks is up there. The journal covers usually feature antique designs with metallic details. The journals come in Ultra, Midi, Mini, and Slim sizes. I have a couple of each. 
• Papier journals. These are new to me. They feature designs from various artists and include personalization. One of mine is titled, "Becky Nicole's Notes on Love." The pages are thick enough to take a fountain pen with no bleeding and only mild ghosting. 
• Zazzle.com. My mom hesitantly introduced me to this site. You can search for an image and buy just about any product you can think of (notebooks, stickers, labels, light switch covers, posters, wooden signs, pens...) with that image. While searching for fairies and mermaids, I discovered...
• Molly Harrison's fairies and mermaids. If you like Amy Brown, you'll like MH. 

How I Feel about Office Supplies.

I've not worked in about four years, but office supplies are still important to me. Is it a writer thing? I know one does have to self-identify as a writer to obsess over pens and pencils.

In my first office as a full-time English professor, I barely personalized my space at all. I had a roommate, and I didn't want to be rude. But my boss was ordering pastel file folders, colorful sticky notes, and Precise VS RT pens in my favorite colors: purple and green.

I moved to a different office, and I decided to give some life to it. My roommate was a dude, but I didn't worry about that. I bought purple hanging folders, purple and aqua Poppin pens, matching stapler and tape dispenser, white desk organizers, and white metal pen cup and bookends. I even had a tiny chandelier (for a locker) under my hutch light. Everyone seemed amazed at the transformation, which surprised me.

I kept paperclips in a glitter snowflake votive holder. Silver paperclips were fine, but Target had purple and aqua--more fun for me and probably for my students. I brought crayons, especially glitter ones, to color through a withdrawn student's record to my grade book. It was much more cheerful than the depressing bblack-pen-crossing-out-my-retention method.

I got into sticky page flags when I started teaching literature. And I remembered a highlighter like a crayon that my mom used in her Bible. It never bled through, and it dried immediately. I recommended these gel highlighters to my students. Sharpie has them, but I like the slim build and the color choices of gel highlighters that are actual for Bible study. I've bought them for myself, for Josh, for Mom, and for Bruce.

I had some pretty page flags from Papaya Art (unfortunately, Papaya no longer sells the sticky flags), but I went wild over Girl of All Work's literary character flags. I have almost all the current sets, which include Jane Eyre, Anne of Green Gables, and The Little Mermaid. I gave a couple of sets to Mom, who is much more of a reader than I am.

I'm all about special-effects pens, mostly glitter and metallic. I like to know how good all the brands are. Technology has clearly advanced; Gelly Rolls used to be my only way to go. But Pentel and Uni-Ball are catching up. I keep my pens in a series of pouches and mugs, some of which I've divided by color. I drain pens rather quickly. I pick a color and pen for each day.

When I left my job due to my illness, I took home everything I had bought. The desk organizers now hold makeup in my bathroom. The hanging folders hold a great many documents about Oliver and me. I bought those pens in pink and turquoise. I also have an emerald-shaped sticky note dispenser.

Office supplies, even tiny ones, can reshape the feel of a day. 

For more on office and writing supplies, go here and here.

Ink-Stained Life.

I have a black-blotched indentation on my middle finger. This, of course, means I've been writing a lot today, and that is something to celebrate!

This apartment is full of ink. I have several heavy glass bottles of colorful ink. But I also have little tubes and cartridges of ink inside pens all around the house--drawers, mugs, pouches. So much potential! Also so much comfort. And so much possibility.

After our apartment building burned and Josh and Mom were briefly able to go inside, Mom brought out my glittery slip-on shoes, my makeup, and a mug of my favorite pens. Now, isn't that love and understanding?

I want ink flow to be part of my every day. Ink flows when nothing else does. Being a writer bumps into all kinds of life experiences. How will I describe this in my journal? I wish I had pen and paper to write down this conversation I'm innocently overhearing. That guy could be a character in a new story. I know my bag is full of pens, but I can't find even one!

I plan to make this indentation permanent.

The Many Uses of Notebooks.

For me, a notebook is a vital and magical object. I'm always happy to receive a notebook as a gift or to buy one for myself. When I say notebook, I mean any form of bound paper--journals, notepads, composition books, spiral notebooks, and so on. Here are some of the ways I have used or could use my notebooks.

• Using it as an overall life journal or as a journal on a specific topic such as gardening or reading.
• Taking class notes. I have notebooks full of gems from my MFA program.
• Trying it as a grounding or calming tool. When my students wrote in class, I wrote in what I called my "work journal." I poured out my fears and stress and was able to settle myself somewhat.
• Making grocery lists. I love top-spiral notebooks for this.
• Making packing lists.
• Writing down overheard conversations and observations.
• Recording ideas for stories.
• Recording lines or images for poems.
• Scribbling down quotations.
• Writing down quotations neatly in multiple colors.
• Working on budgeting and bill reminders.
• Writing poem drafts.
• Writing down wishes.

What kinds of notebooks do you use? How do you use your notebooks?

Loving What I Have.

For much of our marriage, Josh and I have been broke. I have plenty of memories of more prosperous points. One of my favorites is of eating take-out Panera every Sunday on our huge balcony in Charlotte. I remember the fun of shopping for work clothes at Loft with my mom and of buying journals wherever I found special ones. Right now, we're leveled because I'm too sick (or would quickly become too sick) to work, Josh can't find supplementary work (and he's working hard already), we all have hundreds of dollars in prescription and doctor copays, Oliver is starting new autism treatment, and more.

I love shopping. To me, it's more like curating areas of my life. I love choosing writing tools and makeup especially. I'm not fixated on clothes or furniture or home goods right now, though I've certainly been there with manic intensity (literally bipolar).

So. I have to focus more on loving what I already have. Only when I'm in a blaze of mania am I likely to buy something I won't love forever. Even then, it's rare. I have a lot of objects, but they are specific to me, chosen for my life or treasured as gifts. They help me be who I am and want to be, or they remind me of that.

I have writing tools to last a lifetime. I have enough journals and pens to last, though special tools will still go on my wish lists. Some of the journals are incredibly beautiful, and most have pages I've adorned with stickers, an easy way to add a little personalized beauty and magic. I have a ton of pens, and I use them. I alternate colors and match them to the journal's cover art.

I also have a lot of makeup. I've loved eye makeup for many years, but I've more recently been interested in lipstick too. Applying makeup is a reliably fun part of my day. Right now, I'm trying to create a different look every time I wear makeup--it helps me rediscover and make good use of what I have. Still, I have a wish list for makeup too, of course! I may even share it with you.