Stillness & Attention: Week 29.

Day 1: Saturday. I finally finished The Strange Case of the Alchemist's Daughter. Bizarre and good. Long! The second book, which I've checked out, is much longer. So I've now read two books this week. I've (barely) started Plenty (a memoir that is already late) and Smoke: Poems by Dorianne Laux. As usual, I'm quite behind on library books. I'm writing with Diamine Mystique today. 

We got groceries this morning. I bought green apples and caramel sauce to try to sneak some more nutrition into Oliver's diet. He's not going for it. Josh and I like them though. We bought a few more hoarding items: sticks of butter for the freezer, syrup (the pancake mix came), 2.5 gallons of water, shell pasta and Velveeta sauce, and a lot more Gatorade Zero. Amazon doesn't have the Gatorade mix right now, and I don't know how we'd get Oliver to drink anything else.

The thunder is loud. We sat in the study for a while and watched the rain. I read a tale from Kaleidoscope and started a second before Oliver wanted to watch a video. He hasn't had an accident so far today. He also didn't wet his bed or ours. I ended up sleeping in Oliver's bed with Josh from 4:30 to 6:30 this morning--musical beds. I came downstairs and settled on my loveseat. Josh soon came down, sat with me a while, and then worked out. I read a couple of articles from Bella Grace. I want to spend some time reading beautiful magazines in the study each morning. That seems like a great way to start the day. 

I did yoga and read a dragon story for the magazine. The stories are really flowing in steadily. I wrote down my gratitude list for today and turned it into a poem. 

Day 2: Sunday. Today, Josh said, "When you're in a good mood, I can handle things. When you're not, I'm pretty much destroyed." 

I slept fitfully but managed until 6. I went down to my loveseat and did nothing. Josh came down at 7 to sit with me. Oliver came down at 8. Josh went to run, so I took care of Oliver's morning routine. I read a couple of articles from Oh Reader. I look forward to subscribing to the magazine next year. I'm writing today with Diamine Lilac Satin ink.

My Pipsticks stickers came! They're mostly travel-themed. I probably won't do much more traveling in my life, but I do have memories of some wonderful trips. We are going on a little weekend trip to Asheville next month for Josh's half-marathon! I'm really looking forward to that since we're not getting a weekend off this month. 

I made a big batch of vegetable fried rice with brown rice, riced cauliflower, carrots, broccoli, sugar snap peas, sweet peas, fire-roasted corn, baby corn, and red peppers. I ate, and I cleaned up the kitchen. 

Well, we ended up at the splash pad for four hours. We all got burned despite sunscreen. The latter two hours were pretty miserable. We only got Oliver to hydrate a little because the ice cream truck came and we got him a Popsicle. I did read a good forty pages of Joyful to Josh. He says most of it, like the aesthetics of energy and abundance, don't apply to him. Hmm. 

I've continued reading for the magazine, and the stories have continued to roll in. I seem to be the only second reader rating them right now; where is everyone? We changed our sheets, so that will be nice tonight. And my fuzzy pink (alas, more mauve than they appeared) pillows with silver stars and snowflakes arrived as did my turquoise and gold marbled tray.

Day 3: Monday. July 18. More than halfway through the month. I'm sitting in the sunshine of the study, curled up on my pink velvet loveseat with one foot on my teal velvet ottoman. I just finished reading a few articles from Oh Reader and Bella Grace. Some of the TBR books are on my list. I'd like to finish at least a couple of good magazines this month. 

This morning, I woke around 6. Josh was down here working out. I ended up sleeping for another forty-five minutes. I'm nervous about Oliver's blood work today. He didn't have any accidents over the weekend despite the four hours at the splash pad. 

I've only read one collection of short stories this month...definitely not up to my goal. I'll have to be more focused in August and September. It will get easier because more of my library books will be collections. Right now, I'm just so behind. I'll return as many books as I can on Friday. I gave up on Plenty and 13 Stories last week--I'll get back to them. 

I see big trees with puffs of white blossoms. I wonder what they are. The gray ottoman came and is now under the coats. Our new body pillow arrived, and it is so nice. I moved the old one to Oliver's crash pad. 

This is the last full week of the program Josh is coordinating. Next week, he'll mostly be wrapping up, making reports, giving presentations, and planning a celebration. He thinks he'll do this again next summer. I have mixed feelings, but it hasn't been as hard as I thought it might be. Next summer, we can pay down some more debt, build up savings, and buy a new dresser. If the summer job continues, we can eventually buy a second car...though Josh does like having only one car. 

I'm thinking about bringing some of my snowflake ornaments back out. I've loved snowflakes since I was twelve, all year. People have given me snowflake ornaments, pajamas, blankets, and other objects as gifts. I used to hang snowflakes all over my house. 

Oliver slept until 9:30--how kind! While he was in the bath, I took almost everything out of my makeup bag. I put in some favorite lipsticks and glosses. I want to create a grab-in-case-of-fire bag of my favorite makeup. I found a Hard Candy palette I'd completely forgotten. I want to have all my basics in there too, including back-up foundation, eye shadow primer, and mascara. 

Well, I got through quite a project today. I cleaned out and reorganized all my makeup. I got all my favorite and essential makeup (with extras) into my makeup bag, and I can actually see what's in the bag. I threw away old makeup and makeup that I've sampled but probably won't ever use. I organized all my palettes vertically so I can see them. I cleaned out and organized my backstock bin--everything in labeled Ziplocs. I put together a box of unused makeup that I wasn't going to use and posted it on the local BuyNothing group--someone picked it up within thirty minutes. Now, someone gets to enjoy that great makeup! Next stop: skincare. I used to have makeup subscriptions, so I have a lot of products I didn't choose. 

I read two more stories for the magazine. 

I gave Oliver two clonidine over an hour before his appointment for blood work. He was sleepy but definitely not sedated enough. We restrained him and managed a finger stick. Glucose and hemoglobin are normal. Back at home, he took a bath and a nap. I lay down with him for a while and then finished my makeup project. 

I'm writing with Van Dieman's Night Shooting Star ink today. It's dark blue with red sheen and gold shimmer.

Day 4: Tuesday. Today was a nightmare. Oliver had a massive meltdown. The day started poorly. I didn't get any time to myself in the morning because Oliver had a nightmare while Josh was out running. I had just come downstairs when I heard Oliver screaming, "Daddy!" I ran upstairs and tried to comfort Oliver, but he was inconsolable. He kept asking for Josh, apparently having lost him in a dream and being unable to shake the nightmare. I called Josh, thinking his voice might help. But Josh ended up coming home. After seeing Josh, Oliver calmed down and took a bath. Josh managed to finish his run. We took Josh to work as Oliver had OT in the afternoon. Oliver insisted on a second bath. He woke Josh up at 2 a.m. Our lives are kind of ridiculous. 

I didn't do yoga. I didn't read--at all, not even for the magazine. I didn't write five pages or read aloud or read poems. Just before I needed to get ready for OT, Oliver wanted to watch a fuel tanker song video--which doesn't exist. A meltdown of one to two hours followed. He broke the router, threw down a small shelf of magazines, trashed a lamp, broke the porcelain violets bowl my dad gave my mom while they were dating, pulled down five pieces of art, broke two frames, broke one sheet of glass, dumped all my makeup brushes, poured milk on the floor, threw a half-full diet soda can across the kitchen, spilled another liquid I didn't even identify, threw items off a bookshelf, and destroyed my pretty little favorite books cabinet. I barely managed to clean up the glass and the milk. He was so quick. He screamed most of the time. Our Internet, of course, went out, so I couldn't play any of the videos he demanded on his tablet. He yanked on my clothes and hands but didn't actually hurt me. I gave him two clonidine, but it's too slow-acting to be helpful. 

Of course, I had had to ask Josh to call Oliver's therapist and cancel our appointment. Josh said we could pick him up for an hour, but Oliver didn't warm to this idea for some time. When he started to come out of his rage, he looked around the ransacked guest room and said, "What did you do?"

I said, "You broke a lot of things."

We picked up Josh, who fixed the router and tried to clean up. I sat on the couch, staring at nothing. Oliver had a good snack. We declined giving him ice cream. I felt completely disconnected from myself and my life. Nothing seemed to matter. I was dissociated. Numb. Josh went back to work. I don't know what I did. Eventually, I got Oliver ready for bed.

I did do one good thing before the day got so bad. I rearranged my nonfiction bookcase, which I see from my loveseat, in rainbow order. It looks much prettier.

Day 5: Wednesday. Last night, I took a shower and then immediately took a bath, but the hot water hurt my sunburned arms. Josh came to our room after Oliver was asleep, and Josh gave me back tickles. I tried to focus on his touch. I couldn't read for myself or for the magazine. I felt totally disconnected from myself. But tickles, Xanax, and melatonin helped me go to sleep.

I woke up at 4 a.m. to Oliver spreading out on our bed. Josh wasn't in bed, so I went to look for him. He was asleep in Oliver's bed. LOL. So I crawled into Oliver's bed with Josh and slept for another two hours. When I woke up, Josh was downstairs working out. I thought I might get some quiet time to talk to Josh or read a magazine before Oliver woke up, but he got up immediately after I did. So I gave him his morning relaxation bath and got him ready for the day. 

I tried to spend time in my study, but Oliver kept asking for another bath. The thought of sitting in the freezing bathroom for another forty-five minutes was almost unbearable, but he did take a second bath before 9:30 a.m. I went back to my loveseat after the bath and the redressing process. Oliver stood still, staring at me, for thirty minutes while I tried to write. So I asked him to sit down, covered him with a blanket, and read aloud Dorianne Laux poems from Smoke until my mother called to check on me. As I'd told Bruce, I told her that yes, I must be feeling better because I felt unhappy rather than dissociated. 

The day passed fairly quickly. I cleaned out my bin of skincare products and posted on the local BuyNothing group a photo of a box of moisturizers, masks, and serums that I'm just not going to use. Someone picked it up within fifteen minutes. I wrote some more and tried to catch up on blogging from last week. Josh came home briefly for lunch, and I sat with his legs across my lap on the couch. We both felt like napping. Oliver continued to ask for a bath, but somehow, when Josh says no, he stops. When I say no, he asks over and over again until I'm about to lose my mind. I say exactly what Josh says, but it doesn't work. 

When Josh got home, I gave Oliver his actual bath (with bathing) and got him ready for bed. We realized that we'd forgotten to give him his night meds, so the night extended. Someone knocked on the door, and Josh answered to find a delivery guy with an Edible Arrangement addressed to us. It was from "a friend," and the note wished us a better day. I appreciated the acknowledgement and kindness. I also appreciated the chocolate-covered strawberries while Josh ate a pineapple flower. I hope we might convince Oliver to eat some cantaloupe or honeydew, but that's unlikely. It's good timing because I decided today that I'm going to try to eat more fruit even though I'm watching calories. 

Day 6: Thursday. Starting with Sunday's sunbake, this hasn't been an easy week. But Oliver slept in a bit today, so I got some quiet morning time. He also did a little better with getting dressed; maybe he's starting to get that. I haven't finished any books this calendar week. 

Day 7: Friday. Last night, I read from about 7 to 9 and finally caught up on reading for the magazine. This morning, I slept a little on my loveseat and then did nothing for a while (dolce far niente). I read two articles from Bella Grace and two articles from Oh Reader. I'm working on a donation box of craft and stationery supplies. 

I found a small pink bookcase on sale for $36 and ordered it to replace the book cabinet Oliver wrecked. It'll be cheap, but I won't be too upset if Oliver breaks it. And it's pink. I found a revolving bookcase that I'd really like to get next year. 

I made a stack of priority library books: books that are or will soon be late and books that someone is likely to put on hold. Then, I finished reading Smoke (poems) and read the graphic novel The Call of Cthulhu. So I've finished two books today! I started Unless It Moves the Human Heart, a book on writing and teaching. And I wrote "Lightning Bug," my first real love poem to Oliver. I'm happy with it. Josh said it captures what it's like to be Oliver's parent. 

I went to the library, returned some books, and picked up holds. I need to read about five books a week as that's how many I'm checking out! I listened to The Graveyard Book in the car. Bruce and I spent a couple of hours at Barnes, which is in the middle of major renovation. Records are in the cafe. Sections are broken up and moved. Books are double-stacked in rented crates. I feel bad for the booksellers trying to find anything. But exploring the changed bookstore was fun. We spent a lot of time in poetry and lit crit. I took photos of a lot of books I want to check for at the library.

Moving House, Part I.

(Image: http://weheartit.com/entry/9777454)

I like the phrase. It makes more sense that simply "moving." I find it interesting that Sophia of Sophia's Journal is also in the process. As of today, the old house is empty and clean, and we've turned in the key. Our new house is full of box towers, but it's totally livable. I'm determined to set up quickly (so much more fun than packing but still exhausting) because I'm only getting more pregnant, and the fall semester is fast-approaching.

Last week was a little crazy. We went to the family reunion on Sunday, we packed on Monday, I went to work and to a baby shower on Tuesday, we went to a concert on Wednesday, and I went to work on Thursday. The concert was Def Leppard and Heart. The lawn tickets were a birthday present from my dad. I was a little nervous about going since I didn't want Oliver to be scared. I knew, though, that this would be our last concert for a very long time. I also knew I'd be exhausted at work the next day, but it was one of those events that is sort of a pain at the time but makes an awesome memory. And memory lasts longer than experience.

The lawn was great. We spread out a big Panthers blanket, and I could sit, lean back, lie down, or stand up whenever I got uncomfortable. We sat on the side near the steps to the bathroom. We had the area basically to ourselves. While the local opener played, I finished grading tests. A woman had brought her baby. The baby seemed absolutely delighted to be there. Heart was great, and of course,  Def Lepp was awesome. I got to hear my favorite song, "Hysteria." Oliver did kick a lot, but he got still whenever I sang along. I went to the restroom four or five times and never had to wait in line. I'll just skip over the horror of trying to leave the parking lot after the concert.

(Image: http://thedisneyprincess.tumblr.com/tagged/cinderella)

 Everything began in earnest on Friday. We loaded the car, signed the lease, picked up the key, and requested utility switch-on from the city. The house had been empty since at least January. When I stepped onto the porch, I could smell the sickening hot mustiness. We started by cleaning some filthy old blinds. Luckily, most of them were brand new. The new paint job was very nice too, apart from the fact that the painters painted over lock holes and painted windows shut. Apparently, the previous tenant got paint happy and painted every room a different color. The kitchen was Kelly green (an odd green stripe remains beside the fridge), and the living room was fire engine red. He even painted the light switches (not the plates, the switches), which are still red. The bathroom was lavender. A little of the paint remains around the sink and bathtub. I noticed something I hadn't seen during my two viewings of the house: the bathroom ceiling is still lavender! I think it's kind of cool and cheeky.

We opened windows as we worked. I swept the weathered hardwood floors and dusted door frames and ceiling fans while Josh bleached the kitchen and bathroom. These days, I prefer tasks that don't require me to bend down. 

 (Image: http://jeansandcupcakes.tumblr.com/)

He told me that I would be very pleased with the water pressure and the hot water. These are vital if one is a bath lover. I also wish I could test the bath before signing a lease. Unfortunately, my doctor says I'm not to take baths while pregnant, so I've gone without for months. I'm not sure why, but it's probably best since I like my baths hot. Oh well. It's something to look forward to.

The city came out earlier than we expected. The stove fan inexplicably roared to life, and the heat came on. We turned on the AC and ceiling fans. I set out yummy soap and plugged in Wallflowers. I put a different scent in each room, so we won't get used to them and stop smelling them as easily. I hoped that the house would smell better by morning. Josh and I made a good team.

(Image: http://sunflower-fields-forever.blogspot.com/search?updated-max=2010-10-02T21%3A58%3A00%2B01%3A00&max-results=6)

Then, we stopped at Arby's to stuff our starving faces and drove to Charlotte. There, we picked up the moving truck and met Dad and James at Mom's storage unit. A kind woman in a golf cart guided us through the maze. Packed into that bathroom-sized storage unit, I saw the table with my brother grubby baby hand prints (he's fifteen now) and my mother's doll house which I played with. The guys basically had to unload the whole unit to pull out the gorgeous Waverly couch with dark leaves and pink roses. I can't believe we have a couch this nice. Our couches have always been...well, either too old to maintain their shape or just not comfortable, so we didn't really use them. And this one is just so pretty.

We went next to Pansy Cottage (sadly empty of rabbits, but Mom hasn't done the real move yet) to pick up the other luxurious hand-me-downs: Mom's beautiful queen-sized bed with fancy ivory iron headboard and footboard (complete with gorgeous lilac quilt, violet sheets, purple body pillow (a body pillow for my legs and belly at last! Josh uses my green one as a headboard, and pulling it down and stuffing it under the blankets every night is tiring), and ivy comforter and bedskirt; my stepfather's black round table with four sturdy chairs (a amazing step up from our rickety Wal-mart set); and Mom's huge white wicker wardrobe (the top will hold my work clothes, and the drawers will hold Oliver's clothes, blankets, and hooded towels...whee!).

 (Image: http://shannoneileenblog.typepad.com/happiness-is/page/2/)

We all had dinner later at 215 on Main. I hadn't realized I was so hungry, but apparently Oliver was because I devoured (as in tore into savagely with a fork and my fingers) about half a chicken. The restaurant's Parmesan and herb fries are truly divine. The servers were so nice to us even though we were sweaty, wet (Charlotte had had a hail storm as we were leaving), and nasty, and we'd arrived much too close to closing time...and I was laying into the chicken like Daryl Hannah eating lobster in Splash.

Dad had some hotel points and had reserved two rooms at the local Hampton. I was resistant to the idea at first, but stumbling into a cozy room with a sofa and a king-sized bed with Josh at the end of that sweaty day and taking a shower in the stone-tiled bathroom were such a relief. The pillows were those magical hotel pillows. I forgot all about moving for a bit and slept wonderfully.

(Image: http://lalalalaaaura.blogspot.com/. It didn't look like this, but it felt like this!)