Word of the Year 2024.

So, the new year has begun, my 39th January 1st. It is my 19th January 1st with Josh. And this year, we are sharing a word. The word is progress. 

I chose the word, and Josh agreed to it. Last year, my word was nourish, which I eventually realized I actually used for a past year. I encouraged/nagged Josh to choose a word last year too. I suggested challenge, but he didn't like the sound of that--too much pressure. He came up with Endure. While the word has some romantic associations (Anne Shirley's "For as long as the sun and the moon shall endure"), this sounded too much like suffering, like bare survival, like not quite dying to me. I proposed an alternative: persevere. It has the same basic meaning but with a much more positive connotation. He (reluctantly?) agreed to this. I don't know how much he ever thought of the word. But he did persevere through last year; I did too, and we persevered together even though at times, it was more like endurance. And did I nourish myself? 

As I wrote yesterday, I think I often did, storing up as much love and joy as I could. I spent too much money this--last summer, and I ate too much junk food and drank too much soda and coffee, especially toward the end of the year. But I tried to establish a habit of eating breakfast every day. I did some yoga. I read 112 books. I read 19 books specifically on art, fashion, or design. I read 31 books of poetry in October. I wrote many poems in the latter half of the year, dozens, more than I have written, perhaps, in years. I interrogated memories and polished the genuine ones until they shone. I clung to what I know to be true, which, this year--last year, hasn't felt--didn't feel like much. 

But that's last year. This year is something new. Josh said we'd wake up to our same lives, but I don't think that's necessarily true. This is a different space of time, a time for new decisions, and yes, a blank canvas. On this canvas, we can (we already have started, today) paint something entirely new. It's not that we won't remember what came before, that we won't still have ink stains on our hands (from the heartbreaks, from the traumas, from the acting out, from the episodes, from the anger) that may smudge our canvas, especially if we are not careful. But. It is a new space. This year can be a year of sobriety, of love, of rebuilt trust, of stability, of joy. 

Of progress. Another sober day. Another poem written. Another song sung. Another journal completed. Another book by a non-male author read. Another workout. Another run. Another session. Another term--three of them. Another new word.

I haven't made great leaps today. But I have moved. While, for the past two or three months, I have crawled, today, I strolled. Tomorrow, I may stride. I'm really thinking of tomorrow as the beginning of the year's work as everyone goes back to work. I will try to welcome all beginnings: today as the first day of the year, tomorrow as the first day Josh goes back to work, Thursday as the first day Oliver goes back to school, January 15th as the day I see my nephrologist and (hopefully) begin to see a reduction in pain and bleeding, January 16th as the day classes begin, February 1st as the first day of a new month, February 16 as the first day of our 18th year of marriage, and so on. I marked the first day of winter. On any day, I may frolic or run, climb or dance. 

I marked the last day of 2023. And I marked the first day (just a few days ago) of my medication change. I will continue to mark days as well as look forward to them. I am determined to believe that each day will bring good, whether it comes to me or I create it. I will have days, as I did last year, in which I cannot create the good. But the good is there anyway. I will continue to store love, continue to plant seeds. I will make progress. 

Joy Despite Heartbreak.

Josh and I are currently separated. We're living in the same house but not as a romantic couple. Our goal is reconciliation, but we have a lot to work through individually and together. We started marriage counseling a couple of months ago, and we'll continue that. We each have our own therapist. Josh is starting EMDR for some traumas that are still affecting our lives. Josh is also in a support group and has been reaching out to family. I have been trying to build and strengthen friendships to help sustain me now and in the future. 

We've been reading books together since February, and we'll continue that. We've read Boundaries in Marriage, Beyond Boundaries, Emotional Intelligence 2.0, and Becoming the One. Josh has listened to most of them while I've read the books visually. That's what we're doing now with The Body Keeps the Score. He's well ahead of me because he listens to the book while he runs. While I finish TBKTS, I think we'll both listen to Brene Brown's The Power of Vulnerability. Our counselor recommended Brown's work, so that's where we'll start.

We still see each other, parent together, spend time in the living room or study, talk, text, and E-mail. The biggest obvious change is that we don't touch. I hadn't realized how integral touch is in our relationship or how essential touch is to my self-regulation. We've always been major snugglers but especially lately as we've been trying to strengthen our marriage. Right now, the marriage is on hold while some key things happen. I don't know what all of those things are, but I hope they'll become clear as we go. I don't know if this will take weeks or months. I don't know how the shape of our lives will change. We're trying to keep everything as normal as possible for Oliver, who is now out of school. Josh is working long days this summer, so I have to keep myself going for Oliver, who is almost always with me.

I'm struggling with the need for physical affection to feel loved and with the need for physical touch (firm or soft, depending on how I feel) to help me process and manage emotions and the physical manifestations of emotions. I've been spending more time with Bruce and Corey, and they give great hugs. I'm finding other ways to fill or calm my need for touch, including focusing more on my other senses.

How does one hold onto joy in the middle of heartbreak, daily tension, fear, loneliness, and uncertainty? That's what I'm trying to learn. Going back through some old blog posts has been helping; this blog represents some of the best in me, my greatest determination to be content and at peace, to embrace joy.

Here are some steps I've taken and some ideas I have on what else to do.

Take hot baths. This eases my tension, calms and comforts me, and engages my skin and muscles--my sense of touch.

Seek hugs. I let the hugs I get last longer than usual, be firmer than usual. For the first time in ten days, I hugged Josh last night. It felt natural. I didn't feel unsafe, desperate, depressed, or intoxicated. So I think we'll hug daily. We both need it.

Savor the weight of blankets. My bed has the perfect blankets: a down comforter, a cookie monster (my term for a particularly fluffy blanket. This one is Shabby Chic from Target, aqua with satin trim), and a fairy comforter. The weight of them is perfect for me regardless of season--so comforting. So I stay awake long enough to feel that comfort on my body and the coolness of the sheets on my skin. 

Use my heated blanket. In the living room, I have a heated blanket. I want to get a heated blanket or wrap for the study eventually. Heat soothes me, and I'm often cold. This is another way to comfort myself and engage my sense of touch.

More to come...

Stillness & Attention: Week 33.

Day 1: Saturday. I feel pretty good today. I did yoga and listened to The Testaments last night--I'm on the last disc! I slept for over nine hours; I think that's just what I needed. I slept the last few hours in Oliver's bed because he took over my spot. I sat in the study while Josh worked out, and we had twenty or thirty minutes to talk. Then, I filled the cooler backpack with water bottles (including my cool gold glitter water bottle) and Gatorade and put on my new charcoal shorts and Shine Bright Autism Speaks tee. Oliver woke up while I was getting ready. I'd been thinking about what to tell me we were doing. I decided on, "We're going to play outside with some of Mama's friends." He seemed okay with that and got up so I could help him get dressed. Josh and I took turns with teeth brushing, meds, sunscreen, and shoes, and I put on my indigo sunglasses. 

The athletic complex was quite nice. We didn't have as much of a turn out as I'd hoped, but a lot of consumers were there. Josh helped set up some tents. Oliver and I ran around in the grass a little. At first, he wanted to go home, but he warmed up to being outside. Josh and I played soccer while Oliver wandered and watched us. Then, Josh ran on the track and did his personal best mile. We talked to my friend Miss Sheila, and I spoke briefly to the two awesome interns. After we'd been there for a couple of hours, we left to get Oliver, who'd been a good sport, some hashbrowns. We decided to go ahead and get groceries so we wouldn't have to do it tomorrow. I got blue and white hydrangeas. 

At home, we put everything away. I got irritable, and Josh told me to sit down and brought me some pasta salad. I realized that I'd forgotten to eat breakfast. After about twenty minutes, I felt better. Josh was cleaning the house. I played The Testaments and put away three baskets of laundry. 

We'd gotten a little BlendJet in the hopes of making Pediasure milkshakes or smoothies for Oliver. Josh was about to eat some blueberries, so I suggested we make a smoothie with blueberries, banana, and ice. It turned out really well! Oliver showed no interest, so I don't know how that will go. 

Day 2: Sunday. I'm very close to my next fitness goal, closer than I expected. That's exciting. 

I have a lot to look forward to: Into the Woods, Asheville, Dear Evan Hansen, Josh's class schedule starting, Oliver's school starting in three weeks. So much good is coming. And I'm happy right now in the sunlight of my study. Josh is out doing his 12-mile run. 

I didn't read for the magazine last night. But I did do yoga and finish The Testaments! That brings me to ninety-six books for the year. 

Some of my hydrangeas have already died. I guess they weren't the best choice. 

Oliver's OT bill is still outstanding despite the ESA approval from two weeks ago. I need to call the clinic. A clinic with that name in this city got almost $200 of our funds for a child with Oliver's name, so I'd like to know where that wound up. If the ESA payments aren't going to work, it may be time to stop OT at least for now. We can teach him on a daily basis more than a professional can teach him in one hour per week. 

In the grocery store yesterday, he suddenly looked up at me and gave me a brilliant smile. It put some of my pieces back together. 

I got Oliver ready for the day and made a smoothie with fresh black grapes and frozen blackberries. Oliver and I did a worksheet, writing numbers hand over hand. He can identify most numbers ten and under. He peed our bed, so I have laundry going. 

I just got an acceptance from California Quarterly! They are printing my poem "Teetotaler" in their autumn issue. Exciting! 

I switched the laundry and loaded and started the dishwasher. Oliver is tired. I suggested that he lay down on his crash pad, and he did. Now, he's sitting on the couch with Josh.

Now, they're both asleep. I put a blanket over Oliver's feet and a pillow under his head. I hope he doesn't pee on the couch. I read a story for the magazine. Two more are waiting. I made rice and beans. I think I'll add more black beans next time.

My lamp arrived, so Josh built that while I got Oliver ready for bed. I haven't read much today, but I have scribbled a lot more than I have in a while, which feels nice. Sweet Josh is upstairs changing our sheets while I listen for Oliver, who's playing outside in his pajamas. I'm thankful that I have such a kind husband. 

I've had two good nights of sleep, and I'm feeling much better. 

Day 3: Monday. I did yoga and listened to The Graveyard Book last night. I brought the CDs in from the car. I'll check out another audio book soon as I'm on disc 2 of 7. Today is Josh's first day of classes and his new schedule. Despite the fact that Oliver woke us at 6 and peed our bed, it's been a pretty relaxed morning for me. I started the day with a load of laundry. He only got our fitted sheet, so I'm just washing that. Remaking the bed will be easy. Josh kindly took care of the morning routine. We got to sit together in the study for a little while, and then, he worked out. Josh is seeing his therapist this morning; he hasn't seen her since spring. 

I still need to flush my fountain pens. I plan to finish my current journal, write in one more standard journal (so I'm not dealing with ink in Asheville), and then go back to fountain pens. Josh put the art back up in the guest room and fixed the lamp. I hadn't asked before...I just let the guest room be kind of a wreck ever since Oliver's meltdown. But I've cleaned it up from my organizing and giving away, and now, it looks better. 

I spoke to the clinic. The supervisor is out of town, so they will get back to me about the bill on Wednesday. I still got another annoying "no patient response" automated E-mail about it. I guess they'll expect payment tomorrow. They'd better credit me. 

Josh went to his appointment, came home and napped on the couch, and then went to work. Oliver asked for macaroni, and I put some shredded chicken into it. He didn't seem to mind. I'll see what else I can sneak into it...maybe some vegetables. Josh will go to 'greens after work to pick up meds and look for more mac. We'll be together for most of the day tomorrow. I'm going to go along to OT. We'll probably take Oliver to the park in the morning since we'll have time. The splash pad will close next month, and Oliver will have to be content with running around the playground again.

Sparkle Pop pens are 47% off on Amazon today. Oh dear. 

I just read the longer story for the magazine. It was good! The other one is about the same length. I'll probably read it tomorrow. Oliver is in a good mood. I've finished reading The Capsule Wardrobe. Two dresses is not enough for me, but I did order two versions of the LBD to try. I've been needing a new one since I wore out my Old Navy swing tank dress with the 40-Day Dress Challenge. I ordered a couple of different sizes try-before-you-buy, so we'll see what fits and what goes back to UPS. One dress is more formal; the other is more casual but also more versatile. One is more theatre while the other is more school pick-up line. 

Evening. I'm suddenly depressed and anxious. Josh very stressed about this semester. He has the highest number of students he's ever had, six contact hours over last year's full-time load, and a new requirement of eighty approved and documented hours of work per semester outside his department in addition to professional development and professional goal attainment. He's also taking American Lit this semester. I had it in my head that things were about to get much better, but maybe they're about to get worse. I can't do anything to make life better for Josh. I don't even want to get up in the morning. 

Day 4: Tuesday. Today is our fifteen-and-a-half-year wedding anniversary. I woke up at 6 this morning when our car alarm went off. The boys slept right through. Josh woke up an hour later. I've mostly just been thinking. 

Last night, I woke Josh and did some crying. He said he was looking forward to spending time with me. He thinks a lot of hope is in that. He keeps that in the back of his mind even though the semester will be stressful and difficult. He said that, unlike in the spring, he feels fully capable of doing the work. He said my doing the daily chores does make a difference, and he didn't mean to vomit all his stress on me. I don't want him to feel alone with it. But I definitely felt hopeless last night.

Here's Oliver. 

I feel emotionally weary today but not hopeless. I need to be careful to recover myself from every physical, emotional, and mental blow. I'm not staring into the abyss today; I'm sort of sitting in a camp chair beside it. Josh did his run, made a strawberry-blackberry smoothie, cut back some foliage in the alley, and took a shower. Now, he's working at his desk. I got Oliver ready for the day, made my to-do list for the next couple of days, and made a strawberry and banana smoothie with half a cup of apple juice--delicious. I tried making Oliver the same smoothie with a little Pediasure; he refused. It looks and smells good; he might like it if he'd try it. Then, we could get Pediasure and fruit into him. I bribed him with Skittles to try it. Some got in his mouth, but he was not convinced. Then, I tried making a milkshake with Pediasure and ice cream. Again with the Skittles. Again, no success. At least now, I can tell his doctor we tried everything. I even tried adding whipped cream. 

The clinic called. They did get that money! Whew.

I felt snacky today, so I ate turkey sticks, Cheddar Believe It Moon Cheese, and baby carrots for lunch. I'd like to increase my fruit and vegetable intake, maybe sometimes getting that five a day. Today has felt a little weird, kind of unreal. I don't think I took my afternoon meds. I feel pretty tired. I felt Josh's dread over class tonight, and OT is always tiring. But today, I got Oliver ready. I got myself ready--I showered, dressed, brushed my hair, put on makeup, and wore jewelry. I sparkled. I wore lighter Democracy jeans in my smaller size, a pink sparkle tank top, light pink glitter shoes, Zeeza pink glitter Alice in Wonderland eye makeup, and my pink key Betsey Johnson charm necklace. I talked to Oliver's therapist, a lead OT, about CREST, and she made notes. She knows a lot of people who need to know about it. I had enough calories left over for the day, so I got a Quarter Pounder when Oliver got his post-appointment fries. Josh had the idea of making Popsicles out of Pediasure smoothies, so I ordered a Popsicle mold. We'll try it!

Josh and I haven't been sharing our best things each day. 

Day 5: Wednesday. 

Best Things:

1. Quiet morning study time

2. 9 hours, 47 minutes of sleep

3. Redacted 

4. Caught up on magazine reading

5. Received disability benefit for the month

Just four whole months are left in the year. I still need to work on my low-buy guidelines. I was thinking I'd get two new subscriptions next year. One will be Oh Reader magazine. But I haven't found a second magazine I want. A box? I don't think so. I may find something later. 

I pre-ordered something as an anniversary gift that will be from Josh, bending the rules a bit. It's a Diamine Inkvent Calendar. I've never had one. It's twenty-four tiny bottles of new inks and one regular-sized bottle, all new colors with some sheens and shimmers. It comes out in October around our seventeenth dating anniversary. I'm going to open it then instead of waiting for December because trying all the inks will take me much longer than twenty-five days. I'm very excited about it. Inkvent inks often turn out to be amazing. 

Mid-week. Oliver woke up around 3 and again around 5. I slept a little past 6. I managed to get over nine hours of sleep. I didn't do yoga last night, but I did read that story for the magazine. I'm now totally caught up on that, for the moment at least. When I came down this morning, Josh had already worked out and done Oliver's morning routine; bless him. He worked at his desk for a while. I was having bad cramps and rested on the loveseat. Josh later rubbed my back--double blessings. Oliver was tired, so he asked to go to his room with Josh. Now, it's 8:19, and I'm scribbling in the sunshine. I'm still cramping but not as much. 

Josh will be able to come to the school's open house with me this year. Whew. I'll be glad to have him with me, and he'll get to meet the teachers and see how Oliver acts. And Josh's presence should put Oliver more at ease. I hope the classroom isn't in a weird place like on the third floor (where Oliver does not like to go). I'm going to be much more sociable this year. I wonder if Oliver will be in a classroom with some of the same boys. I'm really hoping Miss Elizabeth, the TA, will still be there. That would make me feel so much better, but it seems unlikely. 

Josh only has to work for two hours today. Then, he'll be back home right after 2. On Wednesdays, I won't have to leave the house as Josh can go straight from work to pick up Oliver from school. I can stay home on Tuesdays too if I don't go to OT, and I don't plan on going every week. I do want Josh to see me get ready regularly, unlike this summer when I rarely have gotten ready. 

The boys are still asleep. The clonidine now knocks Oliver out. I won't give it to him again until Sunday. We'll just do twice a week until school starts; then, we'll probably stop all together. It's a beautiful day, and I have two weeks left in this month. What can I do with those two weeks? How many books can I get through? If I can get through Arias, I can push through more, shorter books of poetry. I did read two poems yesterday. I do think I'll pick up FWDGF (kind of offensive title, so I won't use it) since I'm in the mood for nonfiction. I did enjoy Women, Work, and the Art of Savoir Faire. I remember reading it at work in a closet while I used a breast pump. Bruce was on the other side of the wall in his shared office. He's moved on up in the last ten or eleven years. 

What will happen with our lease and our rent? I don't want to move Oliver. It's such a massive adjustment for him, and I would hate for him to lose the backyard he can wander in freely. I do not want to move for so many reasons. This house is almost 100% perfect for us. Surely the owner would have already told us if he had decided to sell. Josh just got up; Oliver sleeps on. 

For LowBuy next year, I think my limit will be ten new inks, probably my favorite new Inkvent colors. Any other inks can be gifts. I'll start running out of room in my ink drawer! I've still got to flush those pens. I'll leave them empty until I'm ready to use them. 

Josh is sitting beside me playing video games. The board meeting is one week from tomorrow. But I'll be focused on the Asheville trip--which is next week! I hope it's wonderful. It will be too short. It will be our first spark of alone time together in over two months. We did get that one three-night weekend this summer. 

I received my benefit for the month and paid off our Asheville trip. We have enough money for the rest of the month without touching our savings. While Oliver has been sleeping, I've read quite a bit of Arias. I'm not done with it yet, but I'm close. Throughout the day, I also read about one hundred pages of FWDGF. I love reading about French women, and I really am in the mood for nonfiction. One thing I have not done at all lately is read aloud to the boys. Shameful.

Day 6: Thursday. Every date in August seems significant for some reason. It's not a bright day so far. I woke up an hour ago just to wake up on my own terms. Oliver woke up shortly thereafter. I'd thought Josh was out running, but he'd messaged me that he was trying to sleep in Oliver's room. So I gave Oliver a bath and brushed his teeth. I thought it would be funny when we went to his room to get him dressed. Indeed, he let out an offended gasp when he saw Josh--he'd had to deal with the inferior Mama while Daddy was available! Josh got up, and when Oliver asked to "go get some cashbrowns," Josh said yes. Oliver looked shocked and quickly put on his Crocs. 

I put away four baskets of laundry. That's all the laundry for now. That took a while. Oliver seems to enjoy following me around while I do housework. Josh brought home Chinese food, and to our great surprise, Oliver ate a ton of broccoli in brown sauce! He wanted nothing to do with the rice or the chicken, and he made quite a mess, but it was great! Maybe we should get Chinese food more often...

I talked to my mom on the phone for the first time in weeks. She's been quite busy with company. I'd sent out the Oliver information sheets and shopping lists I've been working on like crazy, and she thought maybe I wasn't okay. I told her I was okay, just feeling anxious and isolated, and I want everyone to have a clue about how to care for Oliver. I updated her on my mood, my exhaustion (much better), Josh's work, and CREST. Radar, her Frenchie, has a rare cancer. I'll try to call her next week. 

My pink Betabrand pants arrived. They're a little small, but I can get them on. I wouldn't wear them in a professional situation yet. They'll look good with black, gray, brown, purple, and green. They're more rose than fuchsia. The fancier black dress came. It's not very fancy, and I don't really like it, so I'll probably return it. 

I did really well with NoBuy for the first six months of the year. I've done pretty well with NoStuff since then, but I've done some spending for the future. My household spending was within the furniture budget. I did buy tickets for Bruce and I to see Into the Woods, which I do not regret. And I'm only excited about the Inkvent calendar, which will really be a gift from Josh--he usually just gives me what I request anyway. I can still finish the year strong. I have four months left. Gifts, fitness prizes, clothes for significant weight loss, and points/gift card spending only. 

Day 7: Friday. Josh scared me yesterday, thinking I'd missed the board meeting. I hadn't changed the date in the calendar. That's next week, right before our trip. Everyone will see my nose stud and be scandalized (I wore a mask last time); I always forget I have it. At least the director and Miss Sheila have already seen it. I know what I'm going to wear; I'll feel fancy and pretty. I won't be able to help feeling good with the trip coming. And Miss Sheila will be there; she puts me at ease. In fact, she's one of the people who naturally puts me most noticeably at ease. Josh asked me about that. I said he, Bruce, Nanna, and Uncle Chris are on the list. Michelle (my dad's wife) and my childhood best friend's mom Vicki are nearby too. 

I made a smoothie with frozen peaches, milk, and apple juice. I seem to be enjoying smoothies more than whole fruit. Maybe it's a texture thing. 

I just posted all those size 8 boys clothes since the "desperate" mother never came to get them. I'd like to get the bag out of the guest room. Yes, someone is coming.

I did read some of Arias yesterday but not nearly enough. I need to finish it today so I can return it. I also have to read that 7k-word story for the magazine today. Those are my two reading priorities. It's sprinkling outside. It's going to be gloomy. I'm glad I got that bright lamp. 

Miss Sheila is dropping off some CREST pamphlets and business cards I requested. I want to give some to Oliver's therapist next week.

I slept until 7, which was nice. I snuggled up on the loveseat, and Josh came down a little later. Oliver quickly followed. Josh started the bath and then worked on attendance while I finished the morning routine. Josh went for a run and then did an orientation for USCRI. 

Last night, I did do yoga, but I didn't feel like listening to my book. I also updated my planner. Today, I've started making my weekend to-do list. Oliver is watching his Oliver playlist (many, many videos of himself), and Josh is leaving for work. I won't get anything done around the house for a while. Oliver really wants us to be still while he watches videos. But he now tolerates trips to the bathroom and the kitchen, thank goodness. 

I unloaded and loaded the dishwasher, did a little work cleaning up my chair, and finished the pile of filing that has been waiting on me for some time. I also worked on reorganizing some of the files, especially the mass of IEP paperwork. I still have a lot of organizing to do, but the filing cabinet looks a little better, and I got rid of some redundant files. That's what I was working on while Josh did weekly cleaning. Before that, he gave me a great lower back rub, which banished what I hope were the last of my cramps. 

I did finished Arias at last! I went to the library just to drop off Arias and The Testaments. Now, I've read two books this week, four books this month, and ninety-eight books this year. Not great for the month but great for the year. I can read a lot of short books in the next twelve days. I don't know if I can read eight books and reach my goal of twelve books for the month, but I can make more progress. I need to finish Uniquely Human, which has been on my shelf forever. Maybe it will teach me something about Oliver. I do kind of feel like I can read anything right now. It's a powerful and hopeful feeling. I'd like to feel this way all the time. 

Stillness & Attention: Week 26.

Day 1: Saturday. We're almost at the mid-point of the year! I've kept up my NoBuy for almost six months. But since we got a major bill out of the way, I may spend my birthday money this weekend.

We'd made plans for this to be our outing day. I woke up early (5:30), but we weren't in a hurry. I'm not counting calories today, so I ate cheddar and sour cream Ruffles for breakfast. Oh yes. 

We first went to get groceries. We bought a little bag of dark plums. I don't think I've ever eaten a plum, but they were so pretty. I found fudge peanut cookies (faux Tagalongs) that I haven't seen in a long time. I'll hide them in the freezer. I got a cheesecake parfait but only ate half of it. 

I put away the groceries while Josh cleaned out the car. Then, we went to Lowe's to get a wire for the weed eater. That only took a few minutes. 

First fun stop: Barnes. I want to start going to Barnes at least once a month for the atmosphere and to keep tabs on new releases I may want to read. I like to be aware of what's out; that's what I loved about being a bookseller. 

I decided to buy three journals with my birthday money. Choosing wasn't so easy; Peter Pauper Press has a lot of great new journals. But I can also get those with points on Amazon. So I chose one PPP journal, Floral Fields. I loved the flowers in white, purples, and pinks. I got a Compendium (a great brand for journals) spiral journal that has a Rumi quotation: There is a voice that doesn't use words. Listen. I love spiral jorunals; they're kind of hard to find. And I found the Under the Light of the Moon journal with designs by Katie Daisy on every page. I also got the summer issue of Oh Reader. I really need to catch up on my good magazines. 

We went next to Ulta. I wanted to look for a brown automatic eyeliner with sparkle--not the easiest item to find. I almost got the staff searching the store, but I was able to find Clinique Intense Quickliner in Intense Clove. It's a medium brown with a hint of silver shimmer. Brown eyeliner is allowed on my NoBuy list, so I didn't count that. I did count a Colour Pop Super Shocker Ultra Glitter eye shadow in Dream Much, a bright periwinkle with purple glitter. I fell for another sparkler: Fenty Beauty Diamond Bomb in Rose Rave. It's a rose gold highlighter with gold and pink glitter. I really liked another shade, How Many Carats?, but Ulta was out. The store was super busy. Josh stood in line while I continued to weave through the aisles. 

I tucked my orange Ulta bag into my purse so that the makeup wouldn't melt in the car, and we went to lunch at Carrabbas, one of my favorite restaurants. I had the perfect meal: bread with oil and herbs, an excellent Caesar salad, and the delicious mezzaluna pasta--sweet half moons of pasta with cheeses, chicken, and a tomato cream sauce. And I had two Shirley Temples. I only ate half the mezzaluna, so I'll have the leftovers for tomorrow. Even so, I couldn't have this meal on a calorie-counting day because it's basically my full allotment. But once every couple of months, I'm going to have it anyway. 

We came home and had some time to rest. Josh took a nap. I'm still not really able to sleep during the day. At the last minute, we got ready and went to the Woodpeckers baseball game. Justice for Our Neighbors was the nonprofit of the night. We arrived and immediately found the Dippin' Dots. I got chocolate chip cookie dough in a helmet. Josh got rainbow ice and a soft pretzel. We ate and visited the JFON table before finding our seats. It was hella hot. After an hour, we relocated to the JFON table. I didn't pay a lot of attention to the game. Josh kept looking over at me like he had a crush on me. 

When we got home, we both took showers. I've read almost nothing this weekend as I predicted--too enamored of my company.

Day 2: Sunday. We had another slow morning. I stayed up long enough last night to write in my journal. Today, I worked on my planner, which requires me to spread out with my stickers, pens, and colored pencils. I had my leftover mezzaluna. Josh went on a longer run as he usually does on Sundays. 

We drove to Rockingham in the afternoon to pick up Oliver. In the car, I read Trawling the Silences by Kathryn Stripling Byer aloud to Josh and then to both boys. We finished it. Kay was a visiting professor for a poetry seminar Josh and I took as seniors at ASU. She always encouraged us as writers, as a couple, and later as parents. Kay died in 2017, and we still miss her. Trawling was her final book of poems. 

Oliver seemed willing enough to come home. He had the worst meltdown Mom and Shane have seen over the weekend, but he was happy when they took him swimming at my brother's pool. I unpacked his bag, and we settled back into our routines. I'm happy Josh and I got this weekend to spend together, to rest, and to run around town. 

Day 3: Monday. Josh is back at work, but he got to come home for lunch. Oliver has been eating "biscuits," lite breakfast sandwiches from our freezer. He ate three of my turkey sausage, egg white, and cheese croissants and then ate one of Josh's plant-based "meat," spinach "egg" whites, and "cheese" English muffins. We were surprised to see him eat faux meat, but he did. He must be going through a growth spurt. We usually struggle to get him to eat enough, and he usually eats very little variety. We've found it impossible to force food on him since he got out of a high chair, so thank goodness for vitamins. 

I made a stack in the living room of the short story collections I want to read this summer. It's a little daunting to see!

Day 4: Tuesday. Today was a hard day. I felt a lot of hurt, anxiety, and conflict. I didn't read or write today. I didn't put on makeup--I try not to put it on when it's not going to be fun. Oliver's OT appointment was stressful because he managed to hit his head on the wall while looking out a window. When Oliver is hurt, he asks for help ("You need some help?") and rubs his eyes until they're raw. He says, "Blow your eyes?" I dried his eyes many times with a tissue. Once we were on our way home and we stopped for the customary post-appointment fries, he started to feel better. I'm relieved that we don't have OT next week. It's kind of an ordeal even when it goes well. 

This is a hard day for Josh too, and I'm worried about both of us. A friend I worked with at Borders has spent a lot of time messaging with me today, and she has made me feel less alone. 

Day 5: Wednesday. I didn't sleep enough last night, but I feel lighter today than I did yesterday. I found some comfort talking to Josh in the night. I'm not good at guessing what Josh is thinking and feeling, and telling me is difficult for him. But we're trying to make more of an effort. We also did yoga together this morning, which soothed some of my tension.

The last of my birthday prizes arrived today: stickers from the artist Rongrong DeVoe (Paris and Breakfast at Tiffany's!), Benefit Benetint lip stain (which smells like roses), and yes--Fenty Beauty Diamond Bomb in How Many Carats?. The highlighter is all silver, green, and lavender glitter. 

I read a bizarre story for the magazine and wrote in my journal, trying to get back to myself. I don't feel as hopeful as I did this morning, but I do feel like I have something to work with. 

Day 6: Thursday. Last night, Josh had a board meeting, so I got Oliver ready and put him to bed. He fell asleep quickly. I took a shower and went to bed too. Josh tickled my back. I slept more last night, so I feel better today. I still feel fragile emotionally. I'm not sure how to heal my mind and heart.

I finally got back to Wild Swims by Dorthe Nors. The story "The Fairgrounds" enchanted and haunted me. It's just a few pages long, but I wish I owned a copy of the collection just for that story. Still, reading feels really hard right now. I haven't read substantially in about a week. 

I wrote in my journal with copper and sepia pens. I ran laundry and the dishwasher. Josh got to come home for lunch. Usually, he's already eaten, and we just spend the hour close together on the couch. We have a three-day weekend coming, which I didn't realize. We need the time together. He's at work so much, and when he gets home, it's almost time to get Oliver ready for bed. I think we're both ready for the summer to wrap up. The program is halfway finished. 

But the good news is that Josh got paid today. We now have savings for the first time in a few months, I paid down some debt, and we paid off Josh's medical bills that have been following us around for a year. I also plan on paying off his undergraduate loans so that we won't have that payment when his grad school loan payments restart in August. None of this would have been possible if Josh weren't working so hard this summer. But I do miss him very much. Little bits of time together early in the morning and after Oliver goes to bed don't feel like enough. I'm thankful that we had last weekend, which has probably helped us get through this hard week.

My new (well, fourteen-year-old) poem came out in Gingerbread House Literary Magazine today! https://gingerbreadhouselitmag.com/2022/06/30/james-core/

Day 7: Friday. A new month begins. I made a few major goals for July:

I think I can do all these. Eleven books will bring me to twenty for June and July. I was hoping for twenty-five, but twenty is more likely. I only ended up reading nine books in June. 

I read four books of poetry, three YA novels, and two horror/thrillers. I did read Anatomy and The Other in one day each, which felt great. Sleepless took two days. I read Trawling the Silences during one long car trip. I'd been reading The Art of Losing to Josh for a long time.

My habit tracking was pretty sparse in June. I didn't get all my habits on any one day, and a lot of days only had one glitter green highlight. I hope to do better with similar habits in July.

But I'm doing quite well with my annual reading goal overall. At the halfway point of the year, I've read eighty-one books. I feel like I can handle some more challenging books since I should have no trouble meeting and exceeding my reading challenge for the year.

This evening, I went to the library and picked up three holds: a novel, a poetry chapbook, and a graphic memoir--a nice variety. Then, I went to Michael's and Target with Bruce. We spent time looking at stickers, glitters, paints, pens, toys, and school supplies. I found the most lovely sparkling fairy sticker book that I hope Josh will buy for me at some point. I did not buy it last night! I'm halfway through NoBuy2022. 

Stillness & Attention: Week 25.

Day 1: Saturday. We started the day early by getting ready and going to get groceries as a family. Oliver acted like he's been going to the grocery store for years! He only asked for donuts; he got those in lieu of his weekly McD hashbrowns. 

I changed into a hot pink Betsey Johnson dress with a wide ruffle and put on my birthday crown necklace. Bruce picked me up, and we listened to show tunes on the way to Durham. We arrived in plenty of time for our customary snack of soft pretzels and peanut M&Ms. I didn't expect to love Jesus Christ Superstar; the subject matter is rough, and I'm usually not crazy about concert-style musicals (I didn't love Hadestown at first). But it was awesome! So much talent was on that stage: incredible singing and such vigorous choreography. I was totally into it. 

I had a couple days last week Dr. Pepper started tasting normal again. It's tasted weird for most of about two months since I had strep. At first, I lost smell and taste completely, and I tested for COVID several times. But the weird taste came back. Bruce solved the mystery: it's the medication I started taking two months ago. It's an anti-depressant that also helps with weight loss. I forgot to put it in my pill box last week, so my taste returned to normal. I've also been having trouble reading, but last week, I read four books, two of them in one day each. My doctor told me that the medication might make me less "bright." So I'm going to try another week without the medication and see what happens to my weight loss, my taste, and my reading. Quicker weight loss doesn't make up for a loss of books and Dr. Pepper. Stayed tuned for that experiment. 

We got home a little earlier than usual since JCS didn't have an intermission, so I got to hang out with the boys before bedtime. I also read a little more of Wilder Girls. I only have a couple more days before summer begins, so this will be my last book for the spring YA focus. That will put me at eight YA books for the season. I'd prefer ten or twelve, but eight is okay. I'll still read the newest version of Anne Frank's diary soon. 

Day 2: Sunday. We had a quiet day at home. Oliver must have gotten his fill of outdoor activity yesterday. I read nine chapters of Lost in a Book to the boys, and then I read the final sixty pages of The Art of Losing to Josh. So I finished a book! We're going to read Joyful next for a change in tone. My mood has been heavier this month, so I'm hoping we'll both pick up some ideas. 

I made a lot of vegetable fried rice, using half brown rice and half riced cauliflower with corn, broccoli, carrots, sugar snap peas, sweet peas, baby corn, and red peppers. I did my workout today (I've fallen off that wagon over the last week), and Josh and I did yoga together (we've both fallen off that). We're also getting back into sharing our best three to five things from the day. I'm trying to put my good habits back together.

My ZURU mini purses arrived today! Now, I have a pink and white marbled zipper pouch just for tiny things. I'm leaving it out on the counter for now, and I look inside whenever I'm making food for Oliver. It's literally the little things. 

Day 3: Monday. I was determined to make today count. I've been listless a lot at home lately, too unfocused or unsettled to read effectively or pursue many of my habits. This morning, I spent a few minutes with Josh before he went to work. I read a letter he wrote to me in the notebook we share, and I wrote back to him. He had suggested that we each write a poem about something the other loves, so I wrote a poem called "The Run." It was my first poem of the month! I don't know if it's very good, but I feel great about having written it. I like Josh's writing assignments. 

I caught up on reading for the magazine, which is always a relief. Oliver has been in a good mood, playing outside a lot. I was able to zoom in on my words, stillness and attention, and really focus on a book. I read over two hundred pages of Wilder Girls and finished it. It was really good! I wish I knew what happened next. I plan to read Rory Power's other YA novel; HQ library has it, so I'll probably pick it up on Friday. I've decided to start going to the library on Fridays after Josh gets home from work: a little outing just for me after finishing the week. That's when I'll return books and pick up holds. 

I then finished my Hello Gorgeous Studio Oh journal. I'm going to start my cats and books journal from Strand. I love writing in journals that others have given me as gifts. I always write down who gave me the journal and when inside the back cover so I'll remember. 

Day 4: Tuesday. Today has had a slower start. I got caught up in something that upset me and had some self-doubt. It worked out, but I don't want to sink today. I talked to my therapist on the phone, catching her up on what's happened over the last month. While we talked, I decorated the pages of my Peter Pauper Press Song of Songs journal with stickers. Sometimes, every other journal I write in is PPP.

Summer begins today. That means I'm moving into reading short stories. I've had several short story summers; I think this is number 11. For this one, I want to read TWELVE story collections. These are the ones I want to read:

1. The Art of the Story: an anthology of contemporary short stories by writers all over the world. Bruce and I chose this as one of our birthday books. This is a big one, so we're planning to start it right away and go story by story.
2. Wild Swims: a Man Booker International Prize finalist translated from Danish; a short collection I asked the library to purchase (they did!). It's due in a few days.
3. Thirteen Stories and Thirteen Epitaphs: I don't remember anything about this one, but I know I asked the library to buy it, and I've checked it out. It's due in a few days.
4. If I Had Two Wings: a collection of southern magical realism; another book Bruce and I chose.
5. Christina Rivera Garza New and Selected Stories: a book I picked up from the new release shelf at the library.
6. Dreadful Young Ladies: an adults' speculative collection I own by Kelly Barnhill, who wrote The Girl Who Drank the Moon, which I recently read to the boys (and loved). 
7. Clarice Lispector's Collected Stories: I've just read that I must read her. This is a big one. I currently have it on hold at the library.
8. The Ocean House: another collection I asked the library to purchase. I read about it in a magazine, and I plan to pick it up on Friday. Full disclosure: I checked it out before but didn't get to it.
9. Cities I've Never Lived In: same as Ocean House.
10. Best American Short Stories 2021: the annual anthology. I want to be the kind of person who reads this (and Best American Poetry and Best American Essays) every year. I've read BAP 2021, so I'll read this one this summer and BAE 2021 this fall. The 2022 anthologies will come out late in the year. I'm wondering if anyone would like to read them with me. This one is on its way from another library; why doesn't ours have it?
11. Starry-Eyed: an anthology of sixteen YA stories involving theatre. How fun is that? I got the book from the library.
12. The Way Spring Arrives and Other Stories: one of the most specific collections I've ever seen. It's an anthology of speculative stories that female and non-binary authors have written, edited, and translated from the Chinese. Amazingly, I was able to get it from another library. 

A few of these are quite long. It's going to be a challenge. But I can read four story collections per month for three months. Anyway, I'm so far ahead on my reading goal that I can take my time if I need to. But I have other library books to remember as well! I hope to get a good start, starting today. 

I'd also really like to catch up on Best Small Fictions: I have 2019 and 2021 waiting. I have 2020 somewhere (Amazon says I bought it in January 2021), but I can't find it. So maybe make that five story collections a month, plus the other library books. Well, we'll see how far I'll get!

Ah, I found 2020. I'm working on a short story collection stack to keep myself on track visually.

Day 5: Wednesday. Today was a hard day. I had a difficult event and took most of the day to recover from it. I have a lot of questions for myself, and I don't know how to answer them. 

Oliver spent lunchtime on campus with Josh. He ate a lot of chips and Reeses cups and did well (who wouldn't?). 

I did have a victory today though: I paid off Oliver's major therapy bill ($980!) with leftover funds from his ESA. I didn't know if I'd be able to, but I got the confirmation today. And the therapy center takes on the fee, so we don't owe a dime. And it looks like I may be able to pay off another, smaller therapy bill the same way. 

Day 6: Thursday. Driving day! Oliver started on a meltdown right before I got ready. I told him we were going to see Marmee, which kind of redirected him. He's always great in the car. I listened to The Testaments. It's quite good, and I almost wish I had to drive more so I could listen to it more. 

We met Mom at Discovery Place in Rockingham. Oliver has been there several times but not since the pandemic started. He was extremely anxious when we arrived. He tried to run from me out the door and into the street twice. I picked him up and told him he didn't have to play. He eventually became curious and ran to the fire truck. His getting up on the fire truck took many tries, but he did it. Luckily, we almost had the place to ourselves, and the staff was nice about turning down the club-level music. We went up and down the elevator (stairs were too much). He ended up smiling, playing, and jumping but said after about an hour, "Wanna go to Marmee and Papa's house." 

Mom had given me birthday presents that I didn't really get to look at until later. This birthday was Ariel-themed; I love themed presents. She gave me an Ariel ballerina doll that is wearing sparkles and aqua ballet slippers. It's something I'd seen and liked but probably wouldn't have bought for myself (certainly not this year). Keeping with the theme of tiny things, she gave me a miniature silver Ariel backpack full of tiny stationery supplies, including a bitsy notebook and pen and the tiniest page flags I've ever seen (I love page flags). And she gave me a lovely aqua and white Ariel satchel purse, saying it could be my summer purse. The back shows the underwater castle! 

The drive home went quickly with my audio book, but I missed Oliver, especially when I was home by myself for an hour. We've only been apart for three nights once when we went to New York. But once I picked up Josh from work, I started to feel happy about our extended weekend. We picked up Chinese food--chicken and broccoli for me. It was delicious. Now we can get in bed and talk, something we don't get to do much.

Day 7: Friday. Josh didn't have to work this morning because he's chaperoning at a baseball game tonight. Waking up with Josh was so nice. Normally, Oliver stomps into our room and wakes us. But we slept until close to 8 today and weren't in a hurry to get up. Josh went for a late-morning run while I sat in the sunlight and scribbled. When Josh got back, we rested again, and then he tackled the cleaning while I picked up the house and put away laundry. I also put new jewelry (which I ordered with birthday money) on London--so gorgeous!

The library called me and said I had some books waiting; the automatic alert system is out. So we went to the library. I climbed the stairs without getting winded and tachy! I checked out ten books, six of them holds, most of them short story collections from my list. Josh smiled at the way I said, "Yes, please," when the library staff member asked if I wanted to check out my holds and the stack I'd brought down. I stuffed my tote bag (the one I used when I was teaching), and we went to Walgreens. We picked up meds, Dr. Pepper, and sheet protectors (Oliver's favorite thing...he needs some fresh ones). 

We had some time to rest before Josh had to go to the baseball game for work. He napped while I contemplated everything and nothing contentedly. When Josh left, I got straight into a hot bath. I had some anxiety about today's events (the Supreme Court overturned Roe v. Wade) but didn't really know how to express them since the subject is a slippery one for me. I believe I would not terminate a healthy pregnancy. But what about unhealthy pregnancies? What happens when a pregnancy will not result in live birth or the mother is in danger? And what's next? It's scary, and I don't really have anyone I can talk to about it as everyone I care about leans heavily on one side or the other. 

But I read fifty pages of Wild Swims, the first collection I'm tackling. The stories are spare and strange without speculation. I can't see myself pulling off stories like Nors's. It's a brief collection, so I hope to finish it quickly. But I don't know how much reading I'll do this weekend since all I want to do is be around Josh.

Stillness & Attention: Week 8.

Day 1: "Read a thousand books and your words will flow like a river." ~Virginia Woolf

That's what I'm trying to do. I'm at 854 books now. 

Josh's mom came to visit us. She brought Hornets apparel, thermal shirts, a beautiful shark quilt, lavender bath items, a tan Denik journal with white floral embroidery, Till We Have Faces, and Marmee & Louisa (which NPR called one of the top ten books of the year!). I hope to read the books soon; I've been wanting to try more biographies. Susan usually buys us books from our GoodReads want-to-read lists, but Josh still isn't reading. 

I finished reading chapters 2 and 3 of Peter Pan and Wendy to the boys this evening. 

Day 2: I'm writing with the last Crayola Take Note pen, this one purple with blue glitter. I wrote a poem called "Intro to Lit." It's my ninth poem this month! I'm hoping to have a new collection manuscript at the end of the year. Josh has already given me a title--a line from the first poem I wrote this month.

I finished Locke & Key 4 today, Keys to the Kingdom. I made another purchase request with the library. And I submitted a flash fiction story and a microfiction story to an anthology contest! Now, I'm writing with a purple Whaline Outliner, which is just like Gelly Roll Silver Shadow, but it doesn't bleed through the paper and it comes in more colors. Two good friends got me sets of these. They're a favorite. Amazon isn't selling them at this moment, but I'm keeping them on my NoBuy2022 list. 

I'm several poems into Best American Poetry 2021. I'd like to finish the book next week. Reading poems definitely sparks my writing poems. The book I requested is Ama Codjoe's chapbook--I'm savoring her poem in BAP.

Day 3: I'm writing with a Pentel Krazy Pop pen, dark blue with gold glitter. Krazy Pops and Sparkle Pops are some of the best pens, and this pen is one of my favorites. 

Oliver is home for Presidents Day. He just had a smallish meltdown; he threw his tablet (twice, after which I put it away) and the dust vac. But he seems to be calming down. He keeps asking for an episode of Elmo's World, but when I play it, it's apparently not right. I'm not sure he understands "This is all we have." In the past, his meltdowns often included tearing items off the walls, breaking glass, throwing the TV, hitting, and screaming. So this is mild. I'm thankful for that. 

He's now back to playing with his favorite thing: sheet protectors. We discovered this entirely by accident. In our old apartment (where we lived for eight years), Oliver used to shred magazines. We let him do it because it mostly stopped his ripping up books. But it was a terrible mess, and we were always having to find more magazines. We decided that we would not do all that in our townhome. I collect stickers, and I'd just gotten a new pack of sheet protectors to organize them in a binder. I accidentally tore open the package and sent sheet protectors flying everywhere in the guest room. Oliver picked one up, and it was love. Most of the time at home, he has one. He looks through it, feels the corners, tosses and chases it, and swirls it. When he's not playing with them, he takes them back to the guest room, where I've set up a green polka dot bin to hold them. Now, I can have magazines sitting out safely. He often has a sheet protector at school too during breaks. What an odd and excellent discovery.

Josh works late today, so I feel a little lonely. Last night, I went back to A Heart So Fierce and Broken. A Loving Spirit isn't grabbing my attention, so I may read it some other time. I do want to read all of du Maurier's stories and novels. I have four holds waiting at the library, so I need to get these books back. I have more due on March 1. I'll get as far as I can. 

"She loved Thomas dearly, but she knew in her soul there was something waiting for her greater than this love for Thomas. Something strong and primitive, lit with everlasting beauty."

~Daphne du Maurier, The Loving Spirit 12

I like this sentence, but it's not how I feel. Having a child was and is something of an adventure, and I know both grief and joy await me. But I don't feel as if I'm waiting for something bigger than my love for Josh. I just wish I could make him happier. He's in the depression trenches. Being the partner of a severely depressed person feels awfully hopeless. I know I can't fix it for him, and I have no idea what to do.

Day 4: I finished reading A Heart So Fierce and Broken. It only took me a couple of days! Now, I'm eager to read the last book in the series. I want to read three more books this week so I can reach ten books for the month.

I still feel weird about Oliver's teachers, but I think I've done all I can. I called the office to confirm that the re-enrollment papers I sent arrived; they did. I still haven't heard anything new from NCSEAA. 

Day 5: Today, I'm writing with another Krazy Pop pen, pink with blue glitter. Unfortunately, this has been a depressed day. I read a couple more Peter Pan and Wendy chapters to the boys. I got a note from Oliver's teachers about his bringing in 100 items for the 100th day of school. Of course, I stressed over this and didn't know if the items ought to be edible. I found 100 paperclips (blue, lavender, purple, silver swirl) and E-mailed his teacher. She said paperclips were fine, and she thanked me for the classroom gifts I sent (they went to her old address, which was on the wish list, so she didn't get them until today). She said, "We appreciate you beyond belief and love having Oliver in our class!" So that made me feel better. 

Day 6: I spoke to my psychiatrist this morning and told him that the higher dose does seem to be helping. I haven't had major irritability, and my mood has been less erratic. 

I've been setting up my March janner. I've added purple and blue stickers, and I've finished making all the dream boards for the month. 

I've decided that one of my 50 before 50 goals will be to read at least ten Shirley Jackson Award winners. At the moment, I don't have any overdue library books. That won't last. But I read two graphic novels today: The Impending Blindness of Billie Scott and Shortcomings. 

After weeks of listening to Tick, Tick...BOOM! in the car, I've switched back to the Dear Evan Hansen deluxe album. I also listened to some of Sunday in the Park with George while I got ready. I don't know enough Sondheim. 

Day 7: Josh had to work this morning, so we didn't get our time together. But his afternoon meeting did get canceled, so he came home early. I read Locke & Key 5: Clockworks. That brings me to ten books for the month and 22 for the year!

I packed for Oliver. We picked him up and drove him to Rockingham (with a necessary stop at Arby's; oh the craving) to meet my mother. She's keeping him for the weekend because Josh has a marathon tomorrow and I have a show. Oliver was happy to go as usual. I read two more chapters of Peter Pan and Wendy to the boys in the car. I still may be able to finish it this month. 

Josh decided he needed to go ahead and drive to Wilmington tonight, so this is my first night alone in 10+ years. I took a bubble bath, read some poems, scribbled.

I've now avoided frivolous spending for eight weeks! I have far less compulsion to browse, and my desire for new pretty things has abated a lot. I can do this.

On the 9th Floor.

Thanks to my parents and steps for the wonderful getaway we thought of as a belated celebration of our 12-year wedding anniversary. Dad provided the hotel, and Mom provided two nights of childcare.

First of all, I have to note that Oliver handed it all well and only occasionally asked where Mama and Daddy were. And Josh and I did not break down either. We can all be okay for a few days.

Josh totally handled the uptown driving, the check-in, and the parking. We had a suite with a big living space. The decor was mostly hideous, but we didn't mind. We had an interesting 9th-floor view of various buildings. I can't imagine working or living so high. A giant jetted tub was in our bedroom. I got in pretty quickly. The depth was the best part.

We ordered room service, burgers for both of us--his a veggie. We sat on the ugly orange couch.

I had no desire to go anywhere. All I did was pick up ice across the hall.

On Friday morning, I got right in the bath, and Josh brought up some breakfast. I drank apple juice in the tub--bliss. Soon, we went to the (supposedly) heated pool. It was tiny and cold, and I didn't last long. I went to the hot tub, which was mild enough that Josh got in for a while.

Mom sent just a few (perfect) photos and updates. Oliver was clearly having a good time, so we were reassured.

We took various small naps, and I scribbled.

I asked Josh to go back out the Hornets' store and bring back lunch. He returned with a bag of clearance Hornets items--a late Father's Day gift. He brought teriyaki chicken. For dinner, we had room service salads.

We picked up Oliver, who didn't seem to have much of a reaction to our return. We went to a burger place to meet Dad and Michelle. We sat outside in the shade. Oliver was nervous around Buckley, their beagle. But Oliver acted pretty brave and ate chicken tenders. I'm ready to celebrate when he eats pretty much any food.

I gave Michelle a belated gifts (a fine point eyeliner brush and a Stila palette in mostly neutral shades). She seemed happy to try them. She gave me a general gift she'd kept forgetting to give me: a medium-length silver chain with a silver circle with amethyst crystals hanging down; it's my taste!

I think the trip loosened some kind of major tension in my upper body. I'm already excited about the next.

Nourish/Challenge: Week 2.

Books are so often both challenge and nourishment. Bruce and I finished Acceptance, the last book of the Southern Reach Trilogy, this past week. I think we have read 18 books together. Amazing.

Counting Acceptance, I finished three books last week. I love it when that works out! I feel well-fed and ready to tackle this week's books. I read Mary Oliver's Winter Hours, which is prose and poetry, and Hint Fiction, full of tiny stories. I read an interesting range. To replace Winter Hours, I chose Sleep of Reason by Morrie Creech, who was my last small group leader at Queen's MFA program.

I've also been writing more than usual. I responded to six prompts, each of which will probably become a blog post. I responded to a prompt with a mini essay on mental illness, which became my first Water in a Wine Glass post in over a month. And I finished my red, polka dot journal. I filled it in just under a month, which is good lately.

I began reading the novel Sprite on my phone, I think I'll like it. I like reading something on my phone because it is always with me and because I can sometimes read while I put Oliver to bed.

I challenged myself to be a tiny bit more social, so I talked to a mom at Oliver's therapy office for half an hour. It was fun. I told funny stories about Oliver.

This last Saturday, Bruce and I saw Fiddler on the Roof. The choreography was my favorite part. I wore a burgundy dress from Stitch Fix with tall boots and my black cape. We have Miss Saigon in two weeks!

Josh's schedule allows him and me a lot of time together this semester. His presence, voice, and touch nourish me. I love our conversations and how we share silly videos. I hope we'll have some morning fires to sit by. I hope we'll get closer this semester.

I really had to push though the challenge of completing half of the goals on my weekly To-Do Wish List, but I got there on Sunday.

For this coming week, I want to hit the half way point of my weekly list--nourishment and challenges are built in.

Letting Go.

Though I was fairly submissive as a child, I've always been controlling to varying degrees. I pushed friends into making plays. I always had quite a vision.

This bossy attitude probably helped me handle teaching despite my introverted nature. But I noticed that everything was a little smoother when I calmed down.

I didn't like to share projects or ideas. I was usually confident in my abilities, and I rarely let anyone help me. This was especially true with Josh. If it was important, I wanted to do it myself. But one vivid memory I have marks when our relationship changed forever.

Josh had jut gotten laid off from the high school, and we were moving from a huge house to a tiny one. Almost everything was in the new house, so we were both cleaning the old one. He was upstairs, and I was cleaning the extra fridge downstairs. The electricity was already turned off. The heat and the smell of bleach were too much. I was about six months pregnant, and I knew I was doing something wrong, even dangerous to our baby. I told Josh I had to go to our new house, and that I needed him to take care of the cleaning.

I felt guilty and also struggled with relinquishing control over the situation. But Josh beamed. Once I was in my bed, we talked on the phone, and Josh still sounded so happy. He thanked me for letting him take care of something.

Since then, I've handed responsibilities to Josh and simply trusted him. I think it's been a gift for both of us.

My Intangible Trousseau.

Isn't trousseau a lovely word? I like the thought of it as a bride's clothes and her household linens that go with her when she marries. That must have taken either a lot of sewing or a lot of shopping.

What did I bring into my marriage with Josh? I had a lot of house items (a Crockpot, a sheer pink canopy with rosettes, blue and white towels...) but not a lot of money. I had three sets of scrubs (blue, pale pink, and plum) that I wore to my job as a dermatologists' office along with a thick-knit pink cardigan. But much of my trousseau was emotional or mental.

• I brought mental illness,though I didn't know the extent of it. I knew something was wrong. This illness would deeply affect our marriage.
• I brought a lot of music. Josh and I shared a lot of favorites (Richard Marx, Hall & Oates, Steve Winwood, Journey...) and introduced each other to new favorites. At home, we watched a lot of VH-1 Classic.
• I brought a love of musical theatre. Josh already liked My Fair Lady. We went to Hello, Dolly! on campus and later saw Beauty and the Beast and Phantom.
• I brought a love of books--and a lot of books! We've exchanged some favorites.
• I brought a love of movies. Josh isn't a movie person, but he watched all of my (many) favorite movies to know me better.
• I brought a love of writing. We've supported each other's writing, whether it's Josh's play or my blog.
• I brought a lot of emotional issues from past relationships--not just partners. We didn't immediately know how to treat each other. We're better at it now.
• I brought a drive for academic success. I think this influenced Josh, especially in grad school.
• I brought a love of science fiction. I sort of introduced Josh to Next Gen, and he introduced me to Stargate: SG1.
• I brought a great hope.

Why Josh Is Perfect for Me.

• He never makes me feel stupid when I ask obvious questions or show my ignorance.
• He reads poetry.
• He'll sit with me while I watch a scary movie.
• He wears glasses.
• He has curly hair.
• He dresses up for work.
• He's an English professor.
• He's loving and patient when caring for our son is difficult.
• He likes My Fair Lady (one of the first details I learned about him).
• He reads daily.
• He has a brilliant smile.
• He is quick to laugh and make me laugh.
• He loves learning.
• He's curious.
• He has a quick mind.
• He understands maps (I don't!).
• He doesn't mind driving.
• He takes notice of my interests.
• He's always proud of me.
• He has a beautifully-shaped mouth.
• He's helped me study.
• He wants to know what I'm reading.
• He's usually serene.
• He supports my friendships.
• He thinks I'm perfect for him.

To My Husband on His Birthday.

Josh and I met in college theatre and poetry classes. I asked him to read a thematically difficult poem to the class, and he did it without hesitation. I thought he was a good poet, and I respected his comments on my poems. We were 20.

About a year and a half later, we got married. His champagne tie matched my lacy dress. We've never regretted our court house wedding with just parents, siblings, and my darling friend Melissa. We had jumped on my brother's trampoline that morning.

Today, Josh is 33. He's teaching an English class at the local community college right now. We've done a lot of growing up together. He was diagnosed with narcolepsy. I was diagnosed with postpartum depression and later with bipolar disorder and panic disorder. We had a son through a harrowing birth. Our baby was diagnosed with autism a few years later. We've lived through many other disasters and tragedies. We're still alive and still together. Here are some of my favorite things about him:

• He's a patient and energetic father. He's taken Oliver to the park (actually many local parks) countless times.
• He works so hard. When I could no longer work he took over and has taken care of us, working as much as possible.
• He has a great sense of humor. He laughs freely and knows what will make me laugh.
• He's generous. He wants me to have everything I want, and he always thinks well of me.
• He's a bold reader. He could read anything. And sometimes, he reads books I've just finished. He sets a good example of reading for Oliver.
• He has a talent and great patience for genealogy. 
• He supports my reading and writing, staying aware of what I'm reading.
• His curls are adorable.
• I love his face when he laughs.
• I like the way he types.
• He is always gentle.

Happy birthday, my love.

Love Threads.

"Love weaves itself from hundreds of threads."

David Levithan

This caught my attention. Maybe the initial meetings, the first bright lights of attraction and empathy form the loom. It's not everything, but it's important. Those memories need protecting and frequent polishing. The loom is the beginning of love, the base for growth.

And then, if it's to be, the threads begin to unravel and stretch across the loom. Sometimes, the supply is generous and richly colored. At other times, the thread is pale and thin. But if we keep weaving, even the weaker threads become a part of a beautiful pattern. Threads can be as trivial as a shared love of strawberry jam or as thick and varied as having a child together.

I always want to gather new threads. Josh and I recently celebrated our 12 years together. Our love has many strong places and some that may need bolstering. We both love sunshine naps! Even something like that makes our love stronger and more beautiful.

Exchanging Books.

I've thought it would be interesting for Josh and I to choosing books the other should read over the next year. I like the idea, but he might choose books that are too difficult or disturbing for me, and he might not like what I choose either. But I guess that branching out is the point. Books could shape one's mind and refine a personality, challenge the reader, or simply help the reader better understand the other person. 

Here are my ideas for Josh:

1. Dangerous Angels
2. The Good Earth
3. The Sugar Queen
4. How I Live Now
5. Jane Eyre
6. Wuthering Heights
7. Writing down the Bones
8. Ghost Girl 
9. 5 Love Languages
10. Living a Beautiful Life

This is a pretty good start. 10 might be good for a year the first time; we'd still have plenty of time for our own books. Just for fun, I'll ask Josh which books he would choose for me.