The Poet Professor.

Last Monday, the three of us went to the college where I used to teach. Joseph Bathanti, who taught both Josh and me alongside Kay, was giving a reading.

Josh took the day off work, and we took Oliver out of school early. The first time Bathanti came to the college, I was pregnant. He recognized Josh and me! He came again when Oliver was tiny.

This time, he and his wife, Joan, almost walked past us in the library but stopped. He said, "It's you guys!" He talked to Oliver and said, "You must be...seven?" How could he remember so much? We talked about Kay a little, and I almost cried. She and Bathanti were dear friends, so it was a comfort for us to be with someone else who cared so much about her.

Meanwhile, I was getting such a welcome and so many hugs from my former colleagues. My former office mate looked at me as if I were a lovely ghost. Joyce, my former boss, said that they miss me. I looked around, thinking about how happy I often was there before I got too sick.

An administrator hugged me and said, "Are you keeping up with Bruce? You two were buddies. You were best buddies." Something about that was so validating--acknowledgement and acceptance. He even seemed pleased.

The reading was lovely as always. Afterward, we exchanged more hugs, and Bathanti kissed the top of Oliver's head. Joan asked me questions about Oliver's special needs. And I got to see Bruce a little. I left feeling light. No one had forgotten me.

A Bold Reader: Week 50

This past week, I finished Red Trousseau. I began Firstborn, maybe my third Louise Gluck reading experience.

So I've reached my extra goal: 60 books this year! This hasn't been my best reading year because I didn't stay on track with the Bible or with my fall focus.

I missed a couple of poetry baths. I've been dealing with a lot of anxiety, so if I can read and retain, I'm pretty excited. Words still move and change lines, but I do what I can.

I gathered all the Christmas-themed magazines I could find on my shelves. I'm trying for some spirit. After I finish a magazine (with rare exceptions), I let Oliver tear it up. Right now, Oliver only wants books so that he can tear them apart, even his favorites. So influencing him to love reading is not easy.

Josh just finished reading all of Kay's books. I still miss her. My heart drops a little each time I remember that she is gone. But we still have her books.

Restoration: Week 36.

This past week, I finished a Billy Collins book. His poems are often simple yet profound in some way. I read a lot of other poetry too, including more of the last book of Kay's that I have. Poetry often scrubs me and hydrates me. When I finish a book of poetry, I often feel that hint of restoration.

Bruce took me to two movies this past week! We saw Searching (pretty interesting) and The Nun (pretty scary). Movies add new thoughts and images to my mind (not always good, of course), and I mull over them for a long time. Movies always seem to restore the part of my brain that want to analyze characters and empathize with them. And going to the  movies together probably restores my bond with Bruce. We've read 12 books together! I wonder how many movies we've gone to see...far more!

Josh and I got to spend some time together--always restorative. Sometimes, he's still a surprise.

A Bold Reader: Week 35.

This past week, I finished Kay's book Black Shawl. Reading her work has been a way to grieve--something I don't do very well. I began her final book, Descent. I may also read some of the anthologies that feature her work. I miss knowing she's in the world.

Bruce and I will (will!) finish The Midnight Disease this coming week. I hope I'm learning and retaining some of it.

One day this past week, I began Paris for One and Other Stories by Jojo Moyes. It looked like a nice, light read. This first story is more like a novella, but I kept still and read 70 pages at once! I struggle with focus, so this was exciting.

I've read 90 short stories (many of them quite short I'll admit) this summer--almost one for every summer day. I'm going to push for 100!

A Bold Reader: Week 31.

I finished Susan Ludvigson's New and Selected Poems. I'd been reading it poem by poem for a couple of months. I love the quiet revelations of her poems. I came across her when I was in grad school.

Next, I'm going to read Kay's Black Shawl. The idea of writing a book of poetry from one character's perspective intrigues me. I'm also reading Eleanor Chai's Standing Water and Horoscopes for the Dead by Billy Collins.

Bruce and I may finish The Unreal and the Read this coming week! We have two books in the queue for our tiny book club.

My brother sent me a manga book, which I intend to read. That will be new for me!

I want to replace idle moments with reading. According to GoodReads, I've read 630 books. Can I reach my goal of 1,000 total books by my 40th birthday? I'm certainly going to try.

Restoration: Week 30.

I'm hurting over the death of my mentor and friend, Kay. I had only read three of her six poetry collections, so I read another this past week, and that made me feel a little closer to her. I have the last two books waiting.

I finished an anthology of flash fiction, which felt nourishing. Short stories can have a certain kind of magic. I like the idea of writing a story every week--Ray Bradbury said something like after 52 stories, surely the writer will improve. Maybe next year!  I hope that reading stories will fill me with the desire and motivation to write stories.

Josh was home for part of the week, and I was grateful for that.

I started watching Girls, an HBO show created by the rather fascinating Lena Dunham. I checked out the show because Bruce is a fan of hers. I'm not going to recommend it, but I have enjoyed having a show to watch when I'm alone. I look forward to it. The first two seasons are free with Amazon Prime, and I started a seven-day free trial of an HBO subscription. So I have about six days to watch the remaining four seasons! Ha, we'll see how that goes.

I've also been enjoying my magazines. I have so many, and Oliver constantly wants something to shred, so I'm getting into the habit of reading a magazine in the evening. I'm enjoying that. And Oliver is so pleased when I give him a magazine. We've also continued to dance.

Restoration: Week 28.

I've been missing Kay, so I've started reading the books of hers that I've not yet read--about half of them. She's there in her words. I'm not very good at grieving, but this seems healthy, restorative.

Poetry baths continue to restore me. I've tried all the bath products I got for my birthday.

My mom came to visit! She made delicious vegetables and teriyaki chicken (and "chicken crumbles" for Josh) in jasmine rice. She and I stayed up and watched Passengers, one of my favorite movies. And she liked it! I love going watching movies and going to see movies with her.

I cleaned the guest bedroom! My mom's visit gave me the motivation to clean and improve that room for four hours. I still have plenty to do, but I think it looks great. I'm going to spend more time there. My chaise is clear, and Josh moved in my white secretary desk. I sat at it in my cream and green desk chair and wrote a note to my brother. A restorative moment!

A Bold Reader: Week 28.

I'm still struggling with my reading. but I did keep up with poetry. I finsihed The Candle I Hold up to See You by Cathy Smith Bowers, former poet laureate of NC and one of my professors from grad school. I should have read it long ago! I replaced it with Wildwood Flower, one of Kay's books. We now own all of Kay's books, and I want Josh and I read them all. We've only read half.

Bruce and I are still working on The Unreal and the Real. The last couple of longer stories have been absorbing. But I move slowly. We have copies of our next book, which I'll reveal when we're ready to begin.

I've been reading The Best Small Fictions 2017 on my phone, and I'm on track with my goal to read one short story each day of the summer. That's a bold goal! Of course, the flash fiction helps!

I'm excited about what I'll read this week.

Remembering Kay.

In our second to last (dare I say penultimate?) semester at Appalachian, Josh and I got into a seminar class with Kathryn Stripling Byer, a visiting poet and the then-poet laureate of North Carolina.

Kay was instantly, obviously wonderful. Her clothes flowed, and her smile was warm. About ten of us wrote for her.

She invited us one evening a week to the octagonal cottage where she was staying. She tied a scarf around the mailbox, so we'd know we'd come to the right place. We talked about poetry and books and writing in general. Josh and I drank cheap raspberry soda in plastic wine glasses. Most of the time, it was just us, sometimes with another professor. We liked having Kay to ourselves. She obviously had great faith in us, as poets and as people. She also seemed delighted with us as a couple.

When Josh and I got married, Kay sent us a green-beaded, hanging candle holder that looked like a little chandelier. When Oliver was born, she sent us a blue glass bear ornament, which is hanging from a lamp on my desk.

Now, I'm reading the three books of hers that I haven't read yet. I don't know if it will make me feel closer to her or just make me miss her more.

Every time I remember that she's gone, my chest hurts.