The Kind of Person I Want to Be.

 It was a hard summer. But now, I'm thinking about who (whom?) I want to be as I enter a new season. I started a list in my journal. Some of the items on the list I already do/am. Some of them are starflung. 

I want to be the kind of person who...

• Sparkles

• Finishes a book every day or two

• Always takes her meds

• Reads books in all forms

• Reads poetry every day

• Reads a short story each day

• Reads Best American Poetry each year

• Reads Best American Short Stories each year

• Reads Best American Essays each year

• Reads Best American Food Writing each year

• Reads Best American Travel Writing each year

• Goes on artist’s dates

• Writes poems

• Writes short stories

• Writes magical realism

• Reads all of FLB’s books

• Reads Anne Lamott books

• Reads SARK books

• Keeps an inspiring blog

• Reads creative magazines

• Cuts up magazines for art

• Keeps an art journal

• Doesn’t keep too many read books

• Always has plenty to read

• Pays down credit cards

• Keeps a journal

• Wears unique jewelry

• Has cute pajamas

• Takes baths regularly

• Likes receiving gifts

• Has a simple faith

• Daydreams

• Saves money

• Drinks a lot of water

• Uses her desk

• Uses her project table

• Spends time in the study

• Can nap

• Loves season changes

• Likes to be naked

• Reads multiple books at once

• Uses rubber stamps

• Plays with stickers

• Plays with makeup

• Color coordinates

• Listens to an audio book each day

• Sticks to a budget

• Plans expenses

• Is ready for occasional bills

• Always has money in checking

• Keeps a daily to-do list

• Checks most items off her list

• Keeps wish lists

• Collects dolls

• Collects journals

• Buys books regularly within budget

• Finds great deals

• Writes with fountain pens

• Cleans her pens

• Showers each morning

• Seeks touch from her husband

• Writes with gel pens

• Doesn’t have crushes

• Is faithful

• Loves movies

• Uses glitter

• Decorates in pink, gray, and white

• Has white wood furniture

• Makes time for snuggling

• Loves Dr. Pepper

• Loves Cherry Coke

• Loves sunshine

• Reads aloud

• Eats a mostly kidney-friendly diet

• Publishes poetry

• Isn’t too concerned with publication

• Wins writing awards

• Send a submission every day

• Reads Julia Cameron books

• Reads new poetry

• Reads fairy tales

• Collects illustrated fairy tales

• Spends time in bookstores

• Visits many bookstores

• Cleans out house regularly

• Organizes regularly

• Does yoga

• Goes to the library

• Listens to Broadway showtunes

• Goes to CFRT

• Tidies daily to help her husband feel at ease

• Prays/Meditates

• Keeps an empty work inbox

• Keeps up with grading

• Feels pretty

• Practices writing

• Loves stars

• Reads challenging books

• Reads indulgent books

• Reads with Josh

• Reads with Bruce

• Doesn’t overindulge in sweets (except soda)

• Has multiple people to talk to in hard times

• Is empathic

• Has sex three times a week

• Collects paper dolls

• Uses Libby

• Uses the library

• Finishes library books on time

• Reads in the bath

• Sends funny memes to Josh and Bruce

• Gets haircuts regularly (8 weeks)

• Uses up paper

• Keeps a notebook

• Is always studying something

• Makes and reaches goals

• Doesn’t have to spend money to enjoy life

• Goes on Saturday walks

• Goes to 10 shows a year

• Watches one movie a week

• Weighs x-x pounds

• Fits in pants size x or x

• Wears size x

• Keeps up with personal E-mail

• Inspires students

• Manages money well

• Absorbs art daily

• Reads coffee table books

• Eats three meals a day

• Tells her husband everything

• Lives passionately

• Uses page flags

• Records quotations

• Dresses with unique professionalism

• Goes to OT every other week

• Keeps good habits

• Takes classes

• Takes trips with Josh twice a year

• Has a great library

• Has a great Kindle library

• Has a great Audible library

• Rereads favorite books

• Drinks Shirley Temples

• Makes a beautiful home

• Is kind

• Inspires others

• Keeps up with training

• Is active at or around home

• Keeps house stocked

• Can handle school drop-off/pick-up

• Reads published diaries

• Always makes O’s lunch

• Keeps a marriage diary

• Reads worthwhile blogs

• Keeps up with Starry’s fountain

• Takes day trips to Raleigh

• Talks to Mom weekly

• Gives teachers gifts

• Gives teachers supplies

• Kisses Josh more than once every day

• Always has a great purse

• Finishes a journal every 3-4 weeks

• Holds hands in public

• Wears great shoes

• Decorates journals

• Uses all kinds of inks

• Learns every day

• Goes on annual writing retreats

• Supports Josh’s running

• Supports Josh’s reading

• Travels each decade

• Dances

• Is patient

• Is brilliant and insightful

• Pays attention to Oliver

• Reads Alexandra Stoddard books

• Drinks iced coffee

• Drinks grape slushes

• Throws away tissues

• Knows all about fairies

• Knows all about mermaids

• Tells interesting stories

• Manages grocery money

• Writes sexy letters to Josh

• Keeps up with flea treatments

• Always has what Oliver needs

• Goes to museums

• Sees parents monthly

• Writes letters or postcards

• Gives family Christmas gifts

• Has enough bookcases

• Has nice bookcases

• Keeps good records

• Reads 100 books a year

• Is rarely tense

• Delights others

• Brushes Oliver’s teeth well

• Catches up on laundry daily

• Catches up on dishes daily

• Reads every book she owns

• Keeps inventory

• Makes collages

• Accomplishes a lot each day

• Uses what she has/buys

• Finds cool books constantly

• Gets enough sleep

• Tries new foods

• Asks for help

• Asks for comfort

• Believes in soulmates

• Likes her husband

• Follows through

• Cooks for Josh twice a week

• Doesn’t have to try too hard to be thin

• Reads about French people

• Reads Ann Patchett books

• Reads Marisa de los Santos books

• Reads Madeleine L’Engle books

• Spends little time scrolling

• Mixes Gatorade

• Is stuffed with poetry and stories

• Sleeps in sometimes

• Has monthly weekends alone with Josh

• Reads magical realism

• Shops the poetry section

• Loves to read

• Is in a writer’s group

• Turns off lights and fans

• Reads for hours each day

• Monitors herself

• Isn’t often lonely

• Talks to Bruce every day

• Likes sex

• Gets great performance reviews

• Eats enough

• Doesn’t eat too much

• Is elegant

• Reads about libraries

• Visits many bookstores

• Sees London

• Sees a West End show

• Receives journals and books as gifts

• Reads Anna-Marie McLemore books

• Reflects often

• Is a practicing poet

• Draws sometimes

• Goes to sleep at 10:30

• Fascinates a few people

• Knows contemporary poetry well

• Memorizes phone numbers, social security numbers, and poems easily

• Sets a positive example

• Eats fruit

• Eats vegetables

• Finishes most books

• Stops reading a book she doesn’t like

• Gives great gifts

• Uses her education

• Listens to books while driving

• Listens to books while doing chores

• Listens to books while staring

• Shares music

• Listens to Josh’s music

• Keeps up with inhalers

• Lives authentically

• Is mentally stable

• Collects stickers

• Reads about her favorite artists

• Likes herself

• Manages her anxiety

• Changes sheets weekly

• Reads children’s lit

• Wear her glasses

• Doesn’t stare too much

• Can tread water for an hour

• Goes to therapy regularly

• Goes to marriage counseling when necessary

• Follows advice of healthcare professionals

• Discovers new music

• Sends comfort kits to the border

• Advocates for people with disabilities

• Checks in with list monthly

• Has a clear conscience

• Has blog readers

• Responds to writing prompts

• Contributes to family finances

• Keeps up with GoodReads

• Keeps up with StoryGraph

• Cleans her pens

• Keeps up with MVP

• Uses writer’s medic bag

• Plays with color

• Reads LGBTQIA+ lit

• Reads YA lit

• Collects gel pens

• Uses all her fountain pens

• Reads 10 Pulitzers a decade

• Encourages others to read

• Reads biographies of writers

• Lives according to her values

• Recycles pens

• Spends time with Starry

• Edits

• Organizes books

• Studies color

• Stays in touch with O’s teachers

• Studies fashion

• Studies interior design

• Reads 10 Newsberrys a decade

• Reads Anais Nin

• Reads memoirs

• Reads Faery Tale Magazine

• Reads home literary magazines

These are my thoughts so far. At the end of fall, I'll see how many actions I take.

30 Selfish Wishes.

1. The perfect free house with space for a guest room, a study, and a playroom. 
2. The perfectly equipped backyard with a swing set and slide and a trampoline.
3. Help from the Innovations Waiver, now (no ten-year wait!).
4. A cure for me.
5. A gradual cure for Oliver.
6. A cure for Josh.
7. Perfect skin.
8. A steady weight of 125 pounds.
9. Naturally black, curly hair.
10. Perfect teeth.
11. Perfect eyesight. 
12. Cooking ability and joy.
13. Better reading focus.
14. Icy cold drinking water any time, anywhere. 
15. Three hours a day for reading.
16. Three hours a day for writing.
17. Oliver's sleeping through the night in his own room.
18. A part-time secretary for paperwork and submissions. 
19. Unlimited supply of the retired Dark Stardust Sakura Gelly Roll pens.
20. Unlimited supply of returning and new prestige Hard Candy cosmetics (currently converted to a Wal-Mart brand).
21. Unlimited PB Teen furniture, bedding, and decor. 
22. A Madame Alexander 10-inch Cisette Jo Goes to New York Trunk set.
23. A Madame Alexander 10-inch Cisette Jane Eyre doll.
24. Unlimited money to buy gifts for people I love (or just like). 
25. Unlimited online classes with Francesca Lia Block.
26. Miss Katie (our OT) as a part-time nanny.
27. Money to get us through a Ph.D program for Josh.
28. Unlimited Loft clothes.
29. A free new Honda for Josh.
30. Annual shows on Broadway. 

Little WIshes.

I call these wishes little because they aren't like curing cancer, buying houses and cars, world peace, or traveling everywhere. These are my smaller wishes.

• Wild violets all year.
• Wisteria all year.
• Fuchsia thriving everywhere.
• More varied taste in fruits and vegetables.
• A better appetite for Oliver.
• A return of Gelly Rolls Dark Stardust pens.
• Someone else to paint my nails (I hate it, and I'm terrible at it).
• Quicker and more accurate typing.
• The ability to keep plants from dying.
• Long dessert spoons.
• Round soup spoons.
• Spanish fluency. 
• Time to look at all the magazines.
• A painless tattoo of a Carl Sagan quotation.
• A tiny painless nose stud like the kiss of a fairy.
• The motivation and energy for product writing and submissions.
• The energy to keep the house just right.
• A nearer mailbox.
• The energy and motivation to swim every day.
• Always to have season tickets to a theatre.

The Wonder of the Wist List.

I love a good list, as you may have noticed. When I was growing up, I loved pros and cons lists. I'd make them when deciding whether or not I (or a friend) should break up with a guy. My darling friend Melissa even bought me a Knock Knock pros and cons list pad. I made lists for her too.

My 40 before 40 and my 30 before 30 lists have at least given me and dusty map or a cloudy compass to keep me, at least, going in a good direction.

I've written Reasons I Love You lists, and I've received a few in return.

My to-do lists were lengthy when I was in 6th grade. Now, my weekly to-do lists are almost out of control. I write them in my journal, taking up two or more pages and still ending up with items crawling on the margins. My actual goal is to complete half the items on my list for the week. The lists are detailed and repetitive. What I don't achieve goes on the next list, or I decide the task isn't important. The lists are unrealistic, but they remind me about the kind of person I want to be in my daily life and with my long-term goals.

But the greatest of all lists is the Wish List. I've had one on Amazon for many years. I should probably clean it up. The list and recommendations steer me toward great discoveries. I put wish lists on my blog occasionally, mixing wishes for objects and experiences. I keep a wish list at the back of my current journal, usually including hard-to-find objects (red rhinestone earrings), books or notebooks, and makeup items. I edit the list when I copy it into my new journal.

Wish lists also express or reveal who I am and what sort of creature I am becoming or want to be.

Right Now Wishes: 11.8.18

I wish

• All the movies and shows were streaming for free from one place.
• For sparkly red earrings--silver ones and gold ones (not easy to find!).
• To see myself with a little more clarity.
• For an aquarium in the wall.
• To return to size 4!
• For easy hair curling. Snap!
• To be pen pals with Sierra Boggess.
• For beautiful, mismatched dishes from Anthropologie.
• I had a dressing room with everything arrange by color.
• For better reading focus.
• To learn gorgeous lettering.
• For someone to get a kitten I can cuddle.
• To go out to eat with Josh once a week.
• For fairy lights over my bed.
• To stop snoring.
• To have perfectly clear skin.
• For my wedding rings to fit again.
• For a windchime made of antique keys.
• A quilt made off my old T-shirts.
• To put all our pictures and art back on the walls (and for Oliver to be done with tearing everything down).
• For no bloating.
• I could draw well.
• For the ability to play any instrument I touch.
• To see Starlight Express.
• To see Sunset Boulevard again.
• To be a better friend.
• For a cleaned-out car.
• For a garden tub in a master suite.
• Mrs. Grossman's sticker factory--here!
• For a painless nose piercing.
• For a nearby, non-sketchy roller skating rink.
• To read all of Andrew Lang's colorful books of fairy tales.
• For Aunt Linda to come back and read me stories. 
• To talk to my grammy, even for an hour.
• To spend another evening with Kay and Joseph Bathanti, Cathy Smith Bowers, and Alan Michael Parker.

Today's Top 10 Wishes: 10.10.18.

1. Gray dress pants with pink pinstripes.
2. More pink clothes in general.
3. German chocolate cake.
4. Sugar gliders.
5. My own aquarium--a whole building.
6. Access to a hot tub.
7. A huge bathtub. 
8. Peace for my whole family.
9. An orange-peeling machine.
10. More insight on how to interact with Oliver.

(Nearly) Impossible Wishes.

None of these would require money or major effort from me!

• I wish I could see new colors.
• I wish I could be an attentive and totally balanced mother, knowing how to act and respond to shape Oliver and make him feel loved.
• I wish I could have two sugar gliders and that someone else would take care of them.
• I wish I could have seahorses and a trained professional to care for them.
• I wish for an aquarium in my city.
• I wish I could play a small role in a touring show, just to experience the performance and travel.
• I wish I could play Phantom.
• I wish I could play instruments: piano, bass guitar, clarinet, drums.
• I wish I could be fluent in French and Italian.
• I wish I had a private, close-by place to swim in deep water.
• I wish I could sing, really sing.
• I wish I could lead an '80s tribute band. 
• I wish I had loosely curling hair.
• I wish Josh could go to the moon and return safely and quickly.
• I wish I had free access to every movie ever.
• I wish I were a brilliant cook.
• I wish I could draw well.
• I wish I could try Irish step dancing again.
• I wish I could read quickly but still retain and connect with what I'm reading.
• I wish Oliver could reach a typical stage of development. 
• I wish someone else would be in charge of painting my nails.
• I wish my whole house smelled like lilacs or cinnamon, depending on the seasons.
• I wish I could French braid my hair and do any other hairstyle.
• I wish I were a prolific product writer: stories, poems, a novel, a memoir, essays...
• I wish I had a safe place for my journals.
• I wish I had a small, tailored summer wardrobe.
• I wish I were more comfortable around people.
• I wish I could find the perfect church for me.
• I wish I had a self-driving car.
• I wish I could get a weekly massage.
• I wish my skin were clear and smooth.
• I wish I had fairy lights in my bedroom.

Skills I Wish I Had.

• Giving myself a good manicure. I make such a mess.
• Cooking in general.
• Swimming like a pro.
• Connecting to kids with autism.
• Disciplining kids with autism appropriately.
• Singing well in various styles.
• Tap dancing.
• Making my own clothes.
• Playing the piano.
• Reading more quickly but still deeply.
• Maintaining good connections with people.
• Applying makeup like a pro.
• Spotting lies easily.
• Playing basketball (for Josh's sake).
• Writing a novel.
• Dyeing my hair by myself.
• Sewing doll clothes.
• Having better time management.
• Gardening.
• Knowing the names of trees and flowers.
• Drawing.
• Making paper dolls.
• Baking. Blondies!
• Staying fit.
• Making others feel special.

Some Wishes.

• More focus and determination
• More Mary-Jane-style shoes
• Finished taxes
• To watch a movie every day
• Too Faced Festival eyeshadow palette
• Too Faced rainbow highlighter
• A stay in a cabin with Mom, Keely, and Vicki
• Calorie-free Reese Pieces
• Mash House cheese grits every day
• More Phantom, somehow!
• Gorgeous handwriting
• An end to breakouts
• More courage
• Ability to play the piano
• A class on ancient Egypt
• An in-home rollerskating rink--and my own skates
• More books by my favorite authors
• An online class with Francesca Lia Block
• Hanging pots of hardy fuchsia
• To take Oliver to a show and for it to go well
• To have all my pictures and art back on the walls, safe from Oliver
• More Italian journals
• More kissing
• An aquarium in my city
• A quilt made of my old T-shirts
• To see Sunset Boulevard again

10 Wishes.

If some genie or enchantress offered me 10 completely selfish wishes, these might come to mind.

1. More healthy energy. That would allow me to fulfill more of my own wishes.
2. My old weight back.
3. Perfect skin.
4. The perfect home to rent: master suite with deep jet tub, separate shower, and double vanity; a den, formal dining room, extra bedroom, or bonus room to be Oliver's playroom; a fenced-in backyard; lots of huge closets; a fridge with water and ice dispenser; built-in bookshelves. 
5. Our student loans--paid off.
6. Our car--paid off.
7. My 401k loan--paid off. 
8. Our credit cards--paid off.
9. A second Honda.
10. An endless Sephora gift card.

What might be on your list?

Anything.

If I could do anything, without limits of time, money, responsibility, or talent, these would probably top my list:

• Follow The Phantom of the Opera across the state (if not farther).
• Sing in a rock band.
• Perform one night as Christine.
• Buy a house and build a savings account for repairs, lawn care, and housekeeping. The house would have a fenced-in backyard, a huge bathtub, and space for a playroom.
• Play the piano.
• Pay everything off.
• Read all the Best American Poetry volumes over a year (30+, I think).
• Build a book of poetry and try to publish it.
• Write a book of short stories and try to publish it.
• Write a novel and try to publish it.
• Send Josh and his mom to football and basketball games.
• Take Oliver to outdoor concerts, partly to prepare him for theatre.
• Lose all my extra weight.
• Read all my waiting magazines.
• Walk into Barnes and buy everything I want.
• Walk into Sephora and buy everything I want.
• Stay at the Mast Farm Inn by myself for two nights.
• Use up my stationery on special letters.

Beauty Wish List.

Since I was 16 (half my life!), I've always had a big beauty wish list. I don't know if any shopping is as fun as shopping for makeup. I love it alone and with a companion. I love it in a bright Ulta or a shadowy Sephora. I love the colors and sparks that catch my eye. I love swatching the colors on my wrist, seeing which ones really sparkle like they do in the pan and which ones last on my skin. I'm not doing much shopping these days, but these items are at the top of my wish list.

1. Bobbi Brown Limited Edition Eye Shadow Trio in Peace. These sea glass shades stun me, and they all glitter or glimmer. I have trouble finding blues that shimmer and suit me. But these are perfect. I received a sample of Bobbi Brown's Long Wear Cream Shadow Stick in Golden Pink, and I've been paying attention to Bobbi Brown ever since. Funny, I used to think she was too grown-up for me! But I'm suddenly 32, and she has a lot of the glitter I love.

2. Too Faced Glitter Bomb Eyeshadow Collection. I like every color! When does that happen? The palette has plenty of pinks, which I'm loving right now, and the sea foam shade with the blue glitter is gorgeous. I'm so glad to see that sparkles are coming back. I can't wait to play with this at Ulta or our mini Sephora in J. C. Penny's. By the way, Too Faced is my second favorite beauty brand (after Urban Decay).

3. Urban Decay Vice Lipstick in Cruel. This shimmery red will complete my Snow White look! And I love the shiny metal tube. I love UB for continuing with shimmers and metallics despite the matte trend (though UD certainly does matte too!).

4. Fresh Sugar Lip Treatment in Bloom. This is a newish pink shade I want to try. Sugar Lip is amazing--the perfect blend of lip balm and lipstick. I've gotten Mom hooked on it too. I think we both discovered it when two mini balms were the birthday gift from Sephora. The rosy metal tubes are so fancy. At $24, though, I won't be buying Sugar any time soon!

5. Marc Jacobs Beauty Twinkle Pop Stick Eyeshadow in Frannie 408 (white shimmer),
6. Shoshanna 414 (teal shimmer), and
7. On the Verge 412 (grape shimmer). I fell hard for Marc Jacobs Beauty when I tested his Highliner Gel Eye Crayon in (Luna)Tic 64 on my wrist. The color, shimmer, and texture were just perfect. I think I thought I wasn't good enough for Marc Jacobs. Psssh. And right now, I'm so into crayon or stick eyeshadow, so these are dreamy.

8. Bobbi Brown Sparkle Eye Shadow in Silver Lilac,
9. Ballet Pink, and
10. Sunlight. I have a custom Bobbi Brown eyeshadow palette with space for six shadows. The palette currently holds one! It's a pretty purple shimmer, and I'd love to give it some sparkly friends.

11. LORAC's Beauty and the Beast Cheek Palette and
12. Beauty and the Beast PRO Eyeshadow Palette. I don't need to tell you why these are so awesome. I was so happy to see them; I'm still mourning the death of the Disney-Sephora collaboration. The packaging here is lovely, and I love the variety. If I had to choose between these two, surprisingly, I would pick the cheek palette. I'd use the colors for blush and for eyeshadow. I've never had anything by LORAC.

13. Urban Decay Heavy Metal Glitter Eyeliner in Spandex (dark blue),
14. AMP (light blue), and
15. Junkshow (hot pink). I have this in ACDC (purple). It's fun to use on its own but also looks good over a matte black eyeliner. I love the Cinderella blue (AMP) especially.

Those top the list! What kinds of wish lists are you hiding?

Current Emergencies.

• I'm nearly out of mermaid stickers.
• I don't have enough store credit to buy the mermaid journals at 2nd and Charles.
• My birthday has passed, and I must live without eating carrot cake twice a day.
• I can't buy all the sparkly makeup in the world (especially this).
• I'm not automatically getting thin.
• I won't see Phantom until March.
• My black eyeliner is transferring.
• The Phantom refuses to sing to me through the mirror on my door.
• Terrence Mann never wrote me back.
• The Handmaid's Tale is over. Until NEXT YEAR.
• Rain has soaked the ankles of my jeans. Shudder.
• I can't find my Beauty and the Beast sweatshirt (edit: Josh found it).
• I won't be going to Disney World any time soon.
• Mail doesn't come on Sundays. Mail is the original Chick Fil-A.
• I look forward to mail, and then, it's bills.
• I'm terrible at painting my nails.
• I can't say essential words like giraffe, kimono, and mischievous.

My Unrealistic Wish List!

• Always-swift reading ability.
• A box of each Sunburst Metallic Gel pen color.
• A sudden ability to play the piano.
• A sudden ability to play the bass guitar (or at least the bass for "Money for Nothing").
• A large collection of all the discontinued Dark Stardust Gelly Roll pens.
• A long visit to English with lots of walking about.
• Perfect pronunciation.
• A night or two alone with Josh in a fancy hotel.
• A week at Disney World with a happy Oliver (and money for souvenirs!).
• Quick travel to visit Melissa.
• All the books on my GoodReads want-to-read list.
• Perfectly painted nails at all times with no action or effort from me.
• Chocolate-covered strawberries always in  my fridge.
• Always having room (and spare calories) for dessert.
• A small collection of 10-inch Cisette Madame Alexander dolls.
• Blue Moon Cafe's chocolate and brie croissant paninis always available.
• Clothes that put themselves away (by color!).
• Regular massages with oils that don't give me a rash.
• Pretty, practical storage for all my jewelry.
• To read a magazine every day and then donate it (unless it's really special, of course).
• Frequent roller skating.
• Never needing to wake up before 7.
• Being in control of when I fall asleep.
• A sugar glider.
• Seahorses...and someone to take care of them.
• A collage in my room of all Bella Pilar's greeting cards.
• Endless Target gift cards.
• Spreadable brie any time (it's often out of stock).
• A sudden appreciation of hot and cold tea.
• Tickets to Phantom  in surrounding cities.
• Precise makeup application with my own flair every time.
• Hair that stays dyed and trimmed.
• Lollia bubble baths.
• That Bruce and I will always live near each other.
• A full-size Sephora in our city.
• A Paper Source in our city.
• A Papyrus in our city.
• Reaching and maintaining my good weight.
• Unlimited funds to buy other people gifts.
• An annual mountain trip with Keely.
• Easy, present storage of my journals.
• Free access to beauty and stationery subscription boxes.
• The return of the faux marble pens I loved in 6th grade.
• The sudden ability to play the clarinet.
• The ability to see a whole room in one color.

Unlimited Time and Funds.

Let's go ahead and add unlimited courage. Now, what might I do?

• Earn my M.A. in children's literature
• Take several classes in Egyptian art and culture
• Join regional theatre, even for silent roles
• Follow a Phantom of the Opera tour and explore the cities
• Take a writing class with Francesca Lia Block
• But a set of high-quality, matching white bookcases
• Make collages again and put them on etsy. 
• Join all kinds of subscription boxes
• Pay someone to paint my nails properly with my polish (I have a good collection)
• Visit all my old friends in Nashville at least once a year
• Expand my Madame Alexander doll collection just a bit
• Focus on writing stories and then sending them out--see what happens! I'd do it like a day job
• Send care packages regularly to people I love
• Try a support group
• See more ballet
• Get a texture treatment for large, lazy curls
• Have seahorses and someone to take proper care of them
• Take courses in handwriting analysis
• Take Keely and Melissa on some kind of road trip
• Go to shows in Vegas with Bruce
• Get all my teeth fixed up and sparkly white
• Pay everything off--student loans, medical bills, etc.
• Always be in a creative writing class or group

What I Would Try If I Knew I Couldn't Fail.

This is an interesting question that I've seen often but that I've given little attention. I'll try to focus on it now.

• I would sit in front of a black computer screen and let poems and stories flow out of me.
• I would put together a poetry volume and a book of short stories--and then try to publish them both.
• I would write a novel. 
• I would audition for regional theatre. 
• I'd set my annual reading goals to 100+ books.
• I'd fix my phone.
• I'd pare down my wardrobe perfectly for this season (as Mom calls it) in my life--not spring or summer but the present circumstances.
• I'd get Oliver into the pre-K or preschool program here.
• I'd fill my journals in two weeks like I used to (it takes a month or more now).
• I'd pare down my library perfectly. 
• I'd work on my quotation notebook--I'm so behind!
• I'd fly a little.
• I'd attempt any book that has intimidated me.
• I'd get a library to care for my journals after I die.

Antiques.

When I was younger, maybe around 10, I was wild about antiques. They were beautiful and scarce, and they were often hidden among dusty junk.

Going to antiques stores was a treasure hunt. Mom and I sometimes raced for the tiny, colored glass bottles. I still have a dark purple bottle barely the size of my palm.

Antiques fed my daydream worlds in which I mostly explored periods that I'd learned through American Girl. My favorite antiques were school books. I was thrilled to find names written inside.

I also liked antique suitcases--I could take strange, dress-up journeys. This past Christmas, my mother gave me a beautiful blue train case. Just looking at it makes me feel imaginative.

I once haggled with a store owner for a pair of soft white gloves with buttons. I'm sure a couple of weeks of allowance was no where near the price label, but I left with the gloves.

When we met, Josh told me that he collected antique school books. I thought he must be lying. But it was true, and it was perfect.

For 20 years or so, I loved the thought of mother-of-pearl opera glasses.

Ongoing Wish List.

I've started keeping an ongoing wish list in the back of my journal. When I finish a journal, I copy the list in my new journal. I find that I forget what I want, and having a list is also a great reference for the "What do you want for ____?" question. I think my list is kind of funny, ranging from little things that I'd just like to have to completely unrealistic wishes.

• A sackful of Gelly Roll pens from Cheap Joes
• Large, lined Post-Its in a pretty color
• Business card-sized cardstock
• Anthropologie dishes in a range of colors
• Decorative, unusual silverware
• Soup spoons
• Pretty paper straws
• New couch tray
• A new dress for every theatre outing
• Wooden salad bowl and utensils
• Salad spinner
• Sea salt
• Planners for mood tracking and tasks
• Silvertone aquamarine ring
• Small, colorful rubber bands
• Sewing tape measure
• Big mug bowls
• Sturdy watercolor paper for collages
• A bike
• Laptop
• Large album for design book 2
• Julep Maven subscription
• Fine glitter in gold and champagne
• Sequins
• Fit Bit
• Stila Body palette

Sixteen.

Today is New Year's Day, the beginning of 2012, the beginning of the first full year of Oliver, and the beginning of the eighth year in which Josh and I have existed as a couple (such an insufficient word). But what first comes to mind is that today is my brother's sixteenth birthday.

I was ten and a half when my brother was born a few weeks early. I remember New Year's Eve, preparing to go a party with church friends at the home of a boy I'd had a crush on for a long while. I was probably pondering how I could look especially pretty and be particularly charming. I went into my parents' room and saw my mother sitting on the edge of the bed, looking strange.
"What's wrong?" I asked.
"We're going to go ahead to the hospital."
I remember very little about my mom's pregnancy--only the bizarre panel on her jeans (something I got to experience myself recently). I don't remember being worried about the earliness apart from realizing that I had a great deal of work to do on the little pillow I had been sewing for my brother (light blue, stuffed with cotton balls. The rush led me to move from cross-stitch to regular stitches for the words "Sweet Dreams James.").

I went to my party and spent the night at a friend's house. The next day, or maybe two days later, my dad came and brought a Polaroid Captiva (the little ones) shot of my brother, dark-haired and weepy-eyed, in a diaper and T-shirt. Maybe my dad explained that the wetness was eye drops rather than tears. My uncle Ross arrived and stayed with me at our house. I ate a TV dinner, and he ate a whole box-worth of mac and cheese straight out of the pot. We watched tapes of The Simpsons. I guess he was only eighteen or nineteen at the time. My mother was then twenty-six, like I am now.

So much, James's birth informed my understanding of babies and my approach to my son, especially initially. I remember my husband and father bringing me photos of Oliver in the NICU just after my surgery and hours before I would see or hold my son. I reminded myself that the terrible tears were only eye drops, and I remembered seeing that first photo of my brother. My knowledge of how to change a diaper, hold a baby, and other little things of which I'm probably not aware came from my helping care for my brother. Because my mother had been eight years older than her brother and had cared for him, she let me do (as I remember) quite a bit to help. Though I had been an only child for a decade and wasn't particularly thrilled about sharing my parents' attention, I loved my brother instantly.

But I didn't mean for this to be about my brother's birth. I can't believe he's sixteen. I remember sixteen so well. For me, it wasn't about driving, since I didn't get my license until I was starting college. I did get my first job. I began attending public school (the same school James now attends). At first, I wanted to try to be cool. I spent quite a bit of money ordering clothes from Alloy and Delia's. I do miss the sparkly jeans.

But during the course of that first semester, I delved into my first serious creative writing class, and my teachers began to encourage me and make me believe I was intelligent, bright, and creative. I took a theater class and portrayed Anne Frank in a scene with one of my first gay friends. I felt a shift. I don't remember what I wore the rest of the year, but I remember a thin blue bag with gold fringe--Funky People brand. In it, I carried SARK books, journals, Gelly Rolls, and sometimes loose glitter. I began spending my lunch periods reading in the library, working my way through a shelf. I remember reading Winesburg, Ohio (poor Oliver was almost Sherwood, partly in honor of that year of my life); and Rose in Bloom (Alcott's sequel to Eight Cousins). I read ahead in my honors English class, devouring Gatsby and Catcher. I had read The Bluest Eye for summer reading for that class, and the book terrified, shocked, and opened me. I wrote poems that didn't rhyme. I entered and placed in contests. I won a character award (I still don't know who nominated me). I filled journals madly, sometimes with less than two weeks to a volume. "Your mind will settle," my English teacher told me, "and you will slow down." I didn't want to. I decided to be creative, a writer, a reader.

Sixteen was the age at which I became myself and was very, very happy. The next year was hard, and every year since has had its pains. But I always remember sixteen as a sparkling sort of year. I hope James's sixteen will be that way too.

You Can't Go Wrong With...

 (Image: http://bardotinblue.com/?p=5643)

Do you have certain items that you always love, can never get enough of, and aren't particularly particular about? People should know these, so they can avoid awkward gift-giving situations. Josh and I recently watched The Extra Man, in which, when first meeting his young new roommate, Kevin Kline's character said, "If you ever want to give me something, you can always give me Christmas balls." It was meant to be absurd, but I thought it was smart to let a new person know just what he liked up front. Here are some of my such items.

 (Image: http://www.esticker.com I love the free shipping!)

*Stickers. I really love stickers, especially Mrs. Grossman. I mostly use them in my journals (they're a good motivator...I want to fill up a page, so I can turn it and see what sticker is on the next). I never get tired of cake, cupcake, or present stickers. Unicorns, castles, mermaids, and fairies are always fabulous too (Mrs. Grossman always designs these).

*Bookmarks. As I've mentioned before, I'm always misplacing my bookmarks.

 (Image: http://marianmanuel.tumblr.com/ I'd really love to get my hands on this one in particular....)

*Journals. These are such special gifts. My in-laws brought me a journal from Italy. My aunt bought me a journal and illustrated the first page. It doesn't even matter if I already have the journal--I'll write in it twice. I also like seeing what kind people pick. I only dislike recycled paper. I know that makes me a horrible person, but recycled paper really doesn't handle any fun writing utensil.

*Pens. Colorful ink, colorful barrel...whatever. This is a gift I'll really use, and it's easy to find.

 (Image: http://delightfullydainty.tumblr.com/post/3607535121)

*philosophy 3-in-1 shampoo, bubble bath, and body wash. I'm crazy about this stuff, and the fragrances are crazy delicious. It's like showering in a sweet shop. In my fantasy house, I would have a whole cabinet or closet just filled with this. I'm also freaking out a bit about the new exclusive Mom and Baby line at Ulta.

*Wallflowers and candles. Josh and I go through candles like crazy, even in the summer. We especially like baking scents like cinnamon and vanilla.

*Pretty much anything with Cinderella or seahorses on it.

*Pretty much anything with old-fashioned keys (as a design, on jewelry, actual keys...).

Tell me about your fail-proof gift ideas!

(Image: http://packagedsmiles.tumblr.com/post/6035093324)