Can This Man Be Believed? On Faith.

 Maybe I'll go ahead and get my Bible reading done during the day. It seems heavy at night--all the judgment and punishment. Make thieves and then punish them. Why would a loving God allow, let alone inflict, such suffering? 

I've been married to Josh a long time. Sometimes I think he does believe in God but does not believe Him to be good. Yet we're damned if we don't believe or don't revere. It's unfair, but what is the point in resisting, in rebelling? It won't change God. It will only cause more suffering. And apparently, God is right while what we feel and are is wrong. Maybe this crisis of faith is linked to other fallings out. 

It's hard to read God's word and see Him as all loving. He seems to delight in destruction of his own creations. So maybe that's where I am--not wondering if God is real but wondering if He is good. We believe God is good because He tells us He is. I guess He's God, so He can do whatever He wants. 

But what do you do with a vengeful, cruel God? He's still God. He'll still destroy the unfaithful. You can't vote Him out of office. I probably shouldn't be reading the Old Testament right now, but that's where I am. 

How is it that the good things that happen come from God but the bad things do not? What is the point of prayer if God has already made all His decisions...or decided to allow whatever humans will do? 

I can follow a God who made Oliver the way he is. Can I follow a God who would send my husband to hell? Can I believe that's what will happen? And how did Josh reject his faith so completely, not just with doubt but with contempt? Nothing horrible happened to him to begin it. But then nothing horrible happened that I can link to this questioning. 

My mom once told me that God is not a punishing God. But He clearly is in scripture. How much did Jesus change God's ways? And if God makes the rules, why doesn't He change them? Did He? 

I don't know what to believe. Maybe I'm just damned. Maybe I always have been. 

And My Thoughts Fly Apart: On Faith.

I am going through a crisis of mind, heart, and soul. 

I think of the lyrics to "Javert's Suicide" from Les Miserables.

"And must I now begin to doubt
Who never doubted all these years?"

Incidentally, I once posted (other) lyrics from this song, and no was said, "Oh, no, are you suicidal?" (I was). 

Most people of faith would invalidate me, my marriage, my family: adulterous, illegitimate. Queer people: unfit to exist. How can I reconcile that?

The very thought of church almost gives me a panic attack. Parts of the Bible nauseate me. So maybe they are right.

This is intensely personal and intensely painful, and I am alone with it. No one know about this. I cannot talk to anyone about it without drawing judgment or pity. I think of Styx's "Show Me the Way."

"I feel this empty place inside
So afraid that I've lost my faith."

I haven't felt this way since I was twelve. Through everything, faith was the nucleus of every cell. Now, I feel my cells starting to die. 

"And my thoughts fly apart."

"I am reaching, but I fall."