Finding an Oasis.

The finding isn't always easy. Certain Block books are that for me--Dangerous Angels and Necklace of Kisses for sure. That's why I re-read them. They stuffed with rich details that soothe and excite me, making it seem okay to see the world that way and reminding me that some of the dark is as nurturing as the light. They move me to explore again. Some of her other books probably qualify too, such as Ruby an others I haven't read in so long. My mind fills with strange spills of velvet, fairy lights, and warm vegetable rice. Many of her more recent books dip heavily into the dark and are more risk than rest.

Places where I feel comfortable an not on high alert: my demin chaise under a big window, the TGI Friday's near Durham Performing Arts Center, my mom's gray sectional, and my bed under at least four blankets.

My quotation notebooks are stuffed with magic bath bombs of words and images, and reading a random page is a little fireworks show--the wonder of a book or a person distilled to just a handful of words.

I guess we have to do our own seeking and even creating an oasis. But of course, sometimes a gift comes--a person, book, event, or memory that makes you flow and flower.

Adventures I Shouldn't Miss.

• Going to Italy
• Raising a child--it helps me examine my own beliefs, needs, and values
• Napping in some gorgeous outdoor place
• Seeing Starlight Express 
• Seeing Sunset Boulevard again
• Seeing more new-to-me shows
• Maintaining an amazing adult friendship
• Checking off all my goals for the day at least once
• Walking the Cape Fear River trail
• Swimming in more bodies of water
• Reading the Bible
• Reading 100 Years of Solitude
• Taking an online class with Francesca Lia Block
• Writing a novel
• Writing a memoir
• Making a short story collection
• Trying to publish some type of book
• Being 30!
• Owning more dolls
• Going to Paris again
• Seeing a show at the Opera House!
• Being on stage again
• Reading 100 books in a year again

Six Books.

I've been thinking about influential and inspiring books. I doubted that I could name more than two or three that have been impactful enough to change my life. Six books quickly came to mind. These are in no particular order.

The 5 Love Languages by Gary Chapman
Writing Down the Bones by Natalie Goldberg
The Fountainhead by Ayn Rand
Rose and the Beast by Francesca Lia Block
The 7 Habits of Highly Effective Teens
Proverbs (in the Bible)

The 5 Love Languages is a book I think everyone should read. Special versions for parents, teens, and single people customize the experience. I learned about how I show and receive love. I was able to recognize how I was different from people I loved, but I could still use their love languages and help them use mine. Past confusion and hurt in relationships started to make some sense. I think I'm both more loving and more fulfilled thanks to this book.

Writing Down the Bones taught me that writing is a practice, like meditation or other fortifying rituals. I learned to love the notebook as a safe growing place for me as a writer and as a person.

The Fountainhead is a book I have mixed feelings about. I remember reading it on a pontoon boat with my parents and brother. I was 16 and had low self-esteem. I didn't think I deserved to be happy; I didn't think I could pursue the love and life I needed. Howard Roark was ruthless in his pursuits. If I had had more confidence at the time, reading this may have turned me too far toward Roark. But starting as low as I did, this pulled me up to ground level, and I began treating myself differently.

Rose and the Beast grabbed my attention with its gorgeous cover art and with a title that suggested fairy tale retellings. I loved the latter, so I bought the book without investigation. And so I found my favorite author. But the book was full of situations and topics that scared me and that I didn't hear anyone address. Because of this book, I was better able to engage with people who were different from me or who had lived lives vastly different from mine. The book also showed me a different way to write. The fairy tales I wanted were there, reshaped, and the prose seemed to drip with strange gems. Block indulged in language, and I was captivated.

The 7 Habits of Highly Effective Teens came to me some how, and Mom has mentioned how much I embraced it (obsessively, as I tend to do). The book taught me about how to stay healthy (not just in body) and take care of myself. I recently bought the original adult version at a used bookstore, and I'm interested to see how it will affect me as an adult.

Proverbs (in the Bible) was a mini obsession for a while. I remember reading and then writing down verses in a journal that had an angel's wing on it. I was at my great-grandmother's counter, waiting for my older cousin Melinda to get home from school. Proverbs was so soothing (not all of it), and I loved the quiet, wisdom-seeking lifestyle it often described.

 It's amazing what some paper and glue can do. What books have changed your life?

The Life I Have Made.

I read this phrase in a book recently, and it made me wonder about the kind of life and environment I've created for myself.

I have made a life in which books are valuable. Oliver sees Josh and I reading every day. Josh and I respect each other's need to read, and we encouragge each other though our tastes are different. I like that we always know what the other is reading.

Writing is also valuable. If one of us needs to write something, everything else is on hold. I have journals sand notepads everywhere. Pens are plentiful and easy to find. Having the tools at hand is inspiring as well as useful.

I've made theatre a big part of my life by buying season tickets and other tickets. I know I expand when I'm in the audience, taking in all that sound and color. And Bruce and I bond over each show.

I've made a life in which two gentle, kind men give me a great deal of love and attention every day. I know they will watch over me. I hope that I enrich their lives in return.

I've made a life in which fantasy--fairies, mermaids, fairy tales--has an important place. My illustrated books, our movies, and our wall decor all show that. These are like a map back to myself. Josh has always supported that.

I've also made a life in which it's okay to be sick--at least, I've encouraged that in small ways through books I've read and conversations I have. I always tell someone what's going on with me. All those close to me have accepted my illness.

As much as seems possible, I have made a quiet, safe, rich environment and life. I'll think about what else I can do. What can you do for yourself?

Stay-at-Home Mama Goals

Josh was a stay-at-home dad for almost four years. Some of that time, he was a graduate student, and he has been teaching part-time for a year and a half. This fall, he has a full-time teaching job. Due a newly diagnosed, life-long illness that made my work all but impossible, I have been away from work this year. So Josh and I are switching roles. This will be a major transition for both of us. We just finished our first week. Luckily, perhaps since I've been present more this year, Oliver does not seem to mind the change. But as I was writing in my journal a few days ago, I started thinking about what kind of stay-at-home parent I want to be. These are goals, not rules.

• Do some art each day. Crayons, paints, markers, pencils, glitter...
• Get Oliver out of the house each day. Even if it's just to the apartment complex's playground. Even if it's only to the balcony for water play.
• Limit TV (that is, Thomas) but don't be too strict about it.
• Establish some daily routines but again, don't be too strict about it. 
• Get back in the habit of reading children's classics aloud.
• Read some picture books every day.
• Read poetry aloud sometimes.
• Keep up with my own reading when Oliver is occupied. Set an example!
• Practice being more independent with household and childcare tasks instead of asking for help.
• Help Oliver practice independence in small ways. 
• Model habits like reading and exercising.
• Practice and get better at multitasking. For example, shop with Oliver.
• Build my confidence in this huge new role.

Ongoing Wish List.

I've started keeping an ongoing wish list in the back of my journal. When I finish a journal, I copy the list in my new journal. I find that I forget what I want, and having a list is also a great reference for the "What do you want for ____?" question. I think my list is kind of funny, ranging from little things that I'd just like to have to completely unrealistic wishes.

• A sackful of Gelly Roll pens from Cheap Joes
• Large, lined Post-Its in a pretty color
• Business card-sized cardstock
• Anthropologie dishes in a range of colors
• Decorative, unusual silverware
• Soup spoons
• Pretty paper straws
• New couch tray
• A new dress for every theatre outing
• Wooden salad bowl and utensils
• Salad spinner
• Sea salt
• Planners for mood tracking and tasks
• Silvertone aquamarine ring
• Small, colorful rubber bands
• Sewing tape measure
• Big mug bowls
• Sturdy watercolor paper for collages
• A bike
• Laptop
• Large album for design book 2
• Julep Maven subscription
• Fine glitter in gold and champagne
• Sequins
• Fit Bit
• Stila Body palette

The Jewel.

"I held the jewel of my childhood up to my eye...."
                                                                       ~Neil Gifford

This caught my attention, and I wondered what it meant. I guess it means letting one's loveliest or best memories influence one's perception of the present...or the present self.

I think about playing Harriet the Spy when I was eleven. I took a notebook everywhere. That was kind of my precursor to Natalie Goldberg, queen of constant freewriting, of write everything down, of The Notebook. So I often feel that I ought to be writing something down, huddled on the edge of events and places, eyes wide open and hand moving rapidly across the lines.

I also remember my reading self--my eagerness to check out library books, Mom's quick and wholly absorbed journey through a stack of hardcovers, my tastes of romance and horror through certain special edition Babysitter's Club books, my grandfather buying me a Nancy Drew book for the flight home.

So I guess I look at myself and my life through that jewel: Do I write like that? Do I read like that?

What jewel do you hold up?

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