Seeds.

"Judge each day...by the seeds you plant."
                                     --Clear as Mud

I like this. Don't judge the day what bloomed but by the investments I've made that may lead to future blooms.

For me, the most obvious example is sending out literary submissions. Fifty submissions may only yield one acceptance, but without those seeds, nothing happens.

Seeds I Can Plant:

• Send letters. A letter may come back!
• Send submissions.
• Start reading a new book--it may create sweet anticipation, new ideas, or better stamina.
• Stretch to become more flexible.
• Exercise to see how fit I may become soon.
• Read to Oliver. See what he remembers.
• Go to shows for inspiration, new conversations, and new treasured show tunes. 
• Clean in the evening for a smoother tomorrow.
• Watch movies or shows with Josh and with Bruce to create memories and conversations--invest in the bonds.
• Record and re-read gem-like quotations.

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I Give Myself Permission To...

• Take the time for neat penmanship...or not.
• Drink soda if it helps my mood.
• Be ambivalent but still try.
• Work on my blogs...or not.
• Miss my friend...even if I just saw him.
• Let my writing be quirky or magical.
• Reveal too much of who I am.
• Love certain songs absurdly.
• Take time to pay off debt.
• Wear shorts and not check the mirror.
• Complain about my situation.
• Read beyond my goals.
• Read slowly--a few poems, a couple of chapters...
• Re-watch Disney movies.
• Use color as I wish.
• Go to the library regularly, even if I don't read everything I check out.
• Play with makeup, even the dark colors.
• Protect my theatre season tickets despite the expense because they are important to my future mental health.
• Wear my favorite work clothes without occasion...or work.
• Use all my art supplies. Quit saving them!
• Be more open...whatever that means in the moment.

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Thoughts of Ships.

"A ship in port is safe, but that is not what ships are for."

Grace Hopper

I think I can apply this most to my writing. Poems and stories are safe in my files, but they, or some of them, ought to be out. More than that, I'm thinking of the tiny story seeds and the memoir bits in my mind an on my paper--but only journal pages. I should bring them out and see what color they turn as they contact air. My journal is my own, but even then, I use some material for blog entries, and I should probably do more than that. Or more of it. Write letters, maybe. Submit work. Words should spend some time in the world. Life is not likely to get easier.

I've also been working on letting my kind thoughts about people come out in words. I guess it never occurred to me that people would want, need, or even accept those words. But I just pretend that people do and will, and that's usually what happens! I could store those words up in bottles with my loving feelings, but the words don't belong to me. They belong to the people near me.

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Finding an Oasis.

The finding isn't always easy. Certain Block books are that for me--Dangerous Angels and Necklace of Kisses for sure. That's why I re-read them. They stuffed with rich details that soothe and excite me, making it seem okay to see the world that way and reminding me that some of the dark is as nurturing as the light. They move me to explore again. Some of her other books probably qualify too, such as Ruby an others I haven't read in so long. My mind fills with strange spills of velvet, fairy lights, and warm vegetable rice. Many of her more recent books dip heavily into the dark and are more risk than rest.

Places where I feel comfortable an not on high alert: my demin chaise under a big window, the TGI Friday's near Durham Performing Arts Center, my mom's gray sectional, and my bed under at least four blankets.

My quotation notebooks are stuffed with magic bath bombs of words and images, and reading a random page is a little fireworks show--the wonder of a book or a person distilled to just a handful of words.

I guess we have to do our own seeking and even creating an oasis. But of course, sometimes a gift comes--a person, book, event, or memory that makes you flow and flower.

Adventures I Shouldn't Miss.

• Going to Italy
• Raising a child--it helps me examine my own beliefs, needs, and values
• Napping in some gorgeous outdoor place
• Seeing Starlight Express 
• Seeing Sunset Boulevard again
• Seeing more new-to-me shows
• Maintaining an amazing adult friendship
• Checking off all my goals for the day at least once
• Walking the Cape Fear River trail
• Swimming in more bodies of water
• Reading the Bible
• Reading 100 Years of Solitude
• Taking an online class with Francesca Lia Block
• Writing a novel
• Writing a memoir
• Making a short story collection
• Trying to publish some type of book
• Being 30!
• Owning more dolls
• Going to Paris again
• Seeing a show at the Opera House!
• Being on stage again
• Reading 100 books in a year again

Six Books.

I've been thinking about influential and inspiring books. I doubted that I could name more than two or three that have been impactful enough to change my life. Six books quickly came to mind. These are in no particular order.

The 5 Love Languages by Gary Chapman
Writing Down the Bones by Natalie Goldberg
The Fountainhead by Ayn Rand
Rose and the Beast by Francesca Lia Block
The 7 Habits of Highly Effective Teens
Proverbs (in the Bible)

The 5 Love Languages is a book I think everyone should read. Special versions for parents, teens, and single people customize the experience. I learned about how I show and receive love. I was able to recognize how I was different from people I loved, but I could still use their love languages and help them use mine. Past confusion and hurt in relationships started to make some sense. I think I'm both more loving and more fulfilled thanks to this book.

Writing Down the Bones taught me that writing is a practice, like meditation or other fortifying rituals. I learned to love the notebook as a safe growing place for me as a writer and as a person.

The Fountainhead is a book I have mixed feelings about. I remember reading it on a pontoon boat with my parents and brother. I was 16 and had low self-esteem. I didn't think I deserved to be happy; I didn't think I could pursue the love and life I needed. Howard Roark was ruthless in his pursuits. If I had had more confidence at the time, reading this may have turned me too far toward Roark. But starting as low as I did, this pulled me up to ground level, and I began treating myself differently.

Rose and the Beast grabbed my attention with its gorgeous cover art and with a title that suggested fairy tale retellings. I loved the latter, so I bought the book without investigation. And so I found my favorite author. But the book was full of situations and topics that scared me and that I didn't hear anyone address. Because of this book, I was better able to engage with people who were different from me or who had lived lives vastly different from mine. The book also showed me a different way to write. The fairy tales I wanted were there, reshaped, and the prose seemed to drip with strange gems. Block indulged in language, and I was captivated.

The 7 Habits of Highly Effective Teens came to me some how, and Mom has mentioned how much I embraced it (obsessively, as I tend to do). The book taught me about how to stay healthy (not just in body) and take care of myself. I recently bought the original adult version at a used bookstore, and I'm interested to see how it will affect me as an adult.

Proverbs (in the Bible) was a mini obsession for a while. I remember reading and then writing down verses in a journal that had an angel's wing on it. I was at my great-grandmother's counter, waiting for my older cousin Melinda to get home from school. Proverbs was so soothing (not all of it), and I loved the quiet, wisdom-seeking lifestyle it often described.

 It's amazing what some paper and glue can do. What books have changed your life?

The Life I Have Made.

I read this phrase in a book recently, and it made me wonder about the kind of life and environment I've created for myself.

I have made a life in which books are valuable. Oliver sees Josh and I reading every day. Josh and I respect each other's need to read, and we encouragge each other though our tastes are different. I like that we always know what the other is reading.

Writing is also valuable. If one of us needs to write something, everything else is on hold. I have journals sand notepads everywhere. Pens are plentiful and easy to find. Having the tools at hand is inspiring as well as useful.

I've made theatre a big part of my life by buying season tickets and other tickets. I know I expand when I'm in the audience, taking in all that sound and color. And Bruce and I bond over each show.

I've made a life in which two gentle, kind men give me a great deal of love and attention every day. I know they will watch over me. I hope that I enrich their lives in return.

I've made a life in which fantasy--fairies, mermaids, fairy tales--has an important place. My illustrated books, our movies, and our wall decor all show that. These are like a map back to myself. Josh has always supported that.

I've also made a life in which it's okay to be sick--at least, I've encouraged that in small ways through books I've read and conversations I have. I always tell someone what's going on with me. All those close to me have accepted my illness.

As much as seems possible, I have made a quiet, safe, rich environment and life. I'll think about what else I can do. What can you do for yourself?