Bright, Whole, and Engaged.

These words came to me somehow, maybe through a book or maybe just something that my mind had been churning like sea glass.

Bright, Whole, Engaged. This is how I want to approach the world, my close relationships, my creative work, and myself.

I know that when I'm overwhelmed, overstimulated, or just fried, my lights dim. I'm looking out through a fog. Or I'm trapped in the fog. But I want to be bright--alert, clever, attentive.

Often, though less so lately, I don't feel whole. It's as if some experiences have burned, hacked, or drowned away some of me. But I heal continuously. I'm on the way to whole.

Engaging is something I often avoid. But maybe a little more engagement would help me be whole, bright.

These are words to keep in my pocket and discover over and over.

A Winter Journal.

One of my happiest writing memories is of having a beautiful snow fairy journal and writing in it (only with my favorite purple, pink, an blue pens) on a plane to Paris. Doesn't everything in that sentence sound lovely?

Stephen Mackey was the artist. I already loved snowflakes, so his combining those with fairies was, obviously, magic. And then, someone put it on the cover of a spiral-bound journal. Amazing. And the image had a silvery shift in the light.

I probably should re-read that whole journal. I wonder what I'd find.

The Ideal Journal.

I've had so many wonderful journals with many of these characteristics but perhaps not all of them. I usually just see a journal and check its pages to know we belong together for a few weeks or months. But these are the qualities I like best in a journal:

• Smooth pages that take pens easily.
• Strong, thick cover that will provide a writing surface.
• Thick pages that can accept fountain pens and markers without bleeding.
• A beautiful cover that draws my attention.
• An easily portable size, about the size of a quality paperback.
• Inspirational quotations on each spread.
• A ribbon bookmark.
• A pocket at the back.
• No perforations. 
• Lies flat. It could be a spiral journal with a spiral that doesn't twist or come loose.
• An elastic closure.
• And...a little glitter on the cover would certainly be welcome.

I like hunting for these qualities. But of course, the cover comes first, luring me to test the pages.

Packing for a Three-Month Stay in Martha's Vineyard.

I'm reading about Susan Branch (one of my favorite artists) doing this when her life was a mess. I thought, "How can you pack for that?" I know I'd miss all my books, my filled journals, even some furniture.

I'd bring

• Several books and hope to find more at a library or little bookshop.
• My current journal and 4 or 5 blank ones. 
• My favorite movies and favorite background movies that don't require my attention.
• My laptop--hopefully for writing books or stories.
• My coziest fleece lounge wear. 
• A couple of dresses and my gold sparkle heels just in case.
• Comfortable clothes.
• Necklaces--I enjoy wearing them even when I'm alone.
• Illustrated fairy tale books to soothe me.

I'd have to ship some of this!

Making Libraries for Each Other.

I read in the The Gospel According to Coco Chanel that Chanel hired someone to buy first editions of all the books Coco ought to have read. That fascinated me. It seems so intimate and so trusting: someone else selecting what will fill one's mind and alter one's thoughts. But I guess we participate in this every time we share a book or give or receive one as a gift. Often, Josh and my dad give me several books for my birthday. That has a great impact.

I like the idea of creative a library for someone I love. Maybe I'd fill just one bookcase. Even this would be a major challenge. Mom has already read a great many of the books I've read, but I'd still try. Josh is usually aware of what I'm reading. And I don't know if I could fill a bookcase for Oliver once he's reading, but I'd include Louisa May Alcott books, Matilda, the Narnia books, James and the Giant Peach, Stargirl...

Josh might fill a bookcase for me with a lot of books I wouldn't understand. But I know Frankenstein and To Kill a Mockingbird would be there (and I will read them). We have pushed each other to read some of the same books. My contributions might not interest him--some key Francesca Lia Block books, Sense and Sensibility, Jane Eyre, Writing Down the Bones...

A Book a Day.

I've written about this before, but it interests me so much. I'd like to meet some people who do that--discover their habits and ask them about the effects of so much reading.

I might be able to do it if I gathered enough poetry and children's chapter books. Imagine a year of 300+ books! I like taking my time with books, but I don't want to fall behind, and I don't want to miss some treasure double-stacked on my bookshelf.

A new favorite movie of mine, God Help the Girl, has one song with the line, "I read a book a day like an apple." I love that. I do think that all kinds of reading can contribute to intelligence, awareness, imagination, confidence, and common decency.

Lately, I've become a stronger, more determined and more successful as a reader. This comes and goes depending on my practice. I've been reading for hours. Maybe that can get even better.

No Saving.

I like this idea of not saving. It makes sense because anything could happen before a person gets to use or enjoy something he or she had been saving for some future event or feeling.

I do quite a bit of misguided saving. For tomorrow, for when I'm ready, for when conditions are perfect. I could lose my chance. But I'm also just depriving myself of joy when in fact, more joys will follow.

Some of these are especially silly.

• Stickers. Sometimes, I find myself not using the prettiest ones. I buy stickers to use in my journals, so I should use them! I have plenty (though I'm always watching for more!).
• Bubble bath and such. I save my favorite scents, but I should just jump in and enjoy them.
• Journals. I save the best for some more appropriate time. Silly.
• Books. I do this less often now, but I've almost unconsciously saved the most delicious-seeming books for some future self. 

My future self will find and create more joy and more beauty.