Times I've Felt Most Loved Part I.

This is just a small selection.

• My dad took me to see Phantom when I was 8. I had been obsessed with it. He validated and participated in that Phantom (and theatre in general) obsession.
• My parents gave me tickets to Phantom (I promise these aren't all about Phantom) for my...22nd birthday. Mom even decorated a gift bag with a still from the show and lots of black and silver ribbons. I have that pinned to the wall by my bed.
• My dad sent me the song "Comfort You" by Erick Baker. The lyrics show acceptance and validation for a daughter's mental or emotional struggles.
• My mom told me about Edwin McCain's song "I Want It All," which also made me feel accepted and valuable. I feel better every time I hear it.
• A high school teacher seemed geniunely sad that I was switching schools. He said, "We haven't hurt you. We've helped you." Now, it makes me wonder what he noticed. He also wrote great recommendations for me. He described me as introspective, a kind word to sum up my personality and some of my flaws. 
• Bruce told me about Alanis Morisette's song "Guardian." Noticing a pattern? I'll write more about these kinds of songs soon. 
• When I was 15, I had a terrible break-up aftermath issue, and my friend Jamie stayed up with me as I cried for hours.
• Josh encourages me all the time. He always seems happy and even surprised to see me, even if I were just right around the corner.

Unlimited Time and Funds.

Let's go ahead and add unlimited courage. Now, what might I do?

• Earn my M.A. in children's literature
• Take several classes in Egyptian art and culture
• Join regional theatre, even for silent roles
• Follow a Phantom of the Opera tour and explore the cities
• Take a writing class with Francesca Lia Block
• But a set of high-quality, matching white bookcases
• Make collages again and put them on etsy. 
• Join all kinds of subscription boxes
• Pay someone to paint my nails properly with my polish (I have a good collection)
• Visit all my old friends in Nashville at least once a year
• Expand my Madame Alexander doll collection just a bit
• Focus on writing stories and then sending them out--see what happens! I'd do it like a day job
• Send care packages regularly to people I love
• Try a support group
• See more ballet
• Get a texture treatment for large, lazy curls
• Have seahorses and someone to take proper care of them
• Take courses in handwriting analysis
• Take Keely and Melissa on some kind of road trip
• Go to shows in Vegas with Bruce
• Get all my teeth fixed up and sparkly white
• Pay everything off--student loans, medical bills, etc.
• Always be in a creative writing class or group

Don't Be Afraid of a Book.

This isn't so much about my giving you advice and a challenge. It's more like my coaching myself.

My husband will pick up any giant old first edition from the library at the college where he teaches. He never questions his strength as a reader. I do think that some of this comes from his wide interests--the books do keep his attention.

But if a book seems too long or dense, I usually don't give it a chance to fascinate me. I have several partly-read books in GoodReads limbo because putting the books down completely would feel like failure.

Recently, I spent forever on one book--I couldn't take the style. But now, I'm about 3/4 through it, and it was a gift. I need to learn to push through if I insist on finishing a difficult book.

I'm 4 books behind on my reading goal! But I can overcome that.

Sparkle.

Right now, on little jewelry dishes and big wooden, painted signs, I see words about sparkling---leave some sparkle behind, don't let anyone dull it...I wonder why.

Often, when people have looked me in the face, they have commented on glitter around my eyes and falling to my cheeks as if a craft session went wrong. They don't exactly look happy when I say it's on purpose, but they seem to change gears in their thinking. So I do think something as minor as makeup can influence people. It influences me too--I look sparkly, and I start to feel sparkly too.

Early Francesca Lia Block books make me sparkle inside--all those spun-sugar details and mind-opening ideas carried inside the characters.... They change my approach to the world.

I think laughter makes me sparkle too. And the people to whom I'm closest are hilarious.

Even blogging brings out some shimmer. I focus, often on something beautiful or life-sustaining. And I remember why I want to be here.

Seeing and Creating Symbolism.

When I taught, I often discussed symbolism. I told my students that symbolism wasn't just something they had to dig for in a literature paper. I talked about how they recognize, whether consciously or not, symbols in their daily lives both in the moment and in later reflection. We talked about simple objects, such as a wedding band, and how the meaning is probably different for each of us when we go deeper.

We use symbols to remind ourselves and show others who we are. I want as much meaning or memory as possible in whatever I surround myself with.

My parents gave me a beautiful ring for my graduation with my MFA. To me, the ring didn't just represent their love for me. It showed me that they accepted and supported my passion for writing, that they were proud of it.

The symbols around us can change our lives in so many ways.

What I'd Take Home to Mars.

Two movies I've loved lately are Passengers and The Space between Us. In the latter, a handful of astronauts go to Mars to live. I guess new supplies and people would arrive, but that would be after months or years. So, assuming obvious necessary items would be in place, what would I bring or request? I have to imagine it as if I'm single and childless--it's terrible otherwise. Some items won't be realistic, but just go with me.

• Hair ties
• Sticky flags
• Access to favorite movies
• Lots of working writing utensils
• Fresh Sugar lip balms
• Fun makeup, depending on gravity
• My blanket, of course
• Some beautiful silk flowers: violets, mini daffodils, mini tulips, white and pink roses
• My Disney graphic tees for PJs
• Natalie Goldberg books
• Francesca Lia Block books
• Fleece pants
• Nail polish for hidden toes
• Some pretty postcards for my quarters
• A pretty calendar--Papaya, Susan Branch, K. Y. Craft...
• My most beautiful journals--plenty of them. The finished journals would have a safe home on Earth.
• A good glasses-cleaning cloth
• Cute socks
• The ultimate hair brush
• Letters from people I love--I'd ask in advance.
• My Ariel jacket
• Access to so many books, some of them concrete
• My Madame Alexander Cinderella doll
• Icebreakers Cinnamon Mints
• A few of my most beautiful fairy tale books
• Laminated photos
• Puffs with lotion

Most of the items I chose because they would help me remember my self and feel like myself, if only for a little bit of time.

What's on your list?

So Much Joy.

I get so much joy out of

• The faux opal and silver ring that came out of a bath bomb.
• Cheap ballpoints that write beautifully.
• Anyone telling me that Josh and I are doing well with Oliver. We need all the encouragement we can get.
• Eye contact and hugs with both arms from Oliver.
• Forgetting how silly my laugh can sound.
• A kind word about my blogs from someone I never would have expected the posts.
• Liking every nail polish in the set.
• One of my parents saying or writing, "I'm proud of you."
• Putting on sweats after a cold swim. 
• Finding out that my brother liked the book I sent him for his birthday.
• Figuring out what to wear to a show.
• Just cinnamon toast for dinner.