What Makes Me Feel Beautiful.

• Jeans that fit. Even if I don't like the size I need.
• Unexpected glitter on my skin, such as finding sparkles on my hands after using a glitter gel pen.
• Dancing, even if I'm just playing around at home.
• Jewelry. Earrings and necklaces are another way to express my style, and they make me feel confident. Out in the world, I get more compliments on my jewelry than anything else.
• Displaying photos of myself when I was truly happy. I have one in my living room. It reminds me of how capable I am of happiness and how pretty that happiness can be. It's also just a great photo of Oliver and me, so I see it when I visit family too.
• Being told I'm beautiful. As I've said, I get this from two men every day and on sweet rare occasions from others. People do need to be told they look great; I need to remember that.
• Swimming. I feel fluid and bright in the water.
• Hearing that I'm graceful. A few people have said this (when I was 12, 20...), and it's one of the best compliments.
• Wearing pink. Pink seems to do what even makeup can't. I feel aglow when I wear certain shades of pink.
• Wearing rings. Someone complimented my hands when I was 14, and I've never forgotten it. I love adding sparkle to my hands--rings catch the light and adorn my hands, which are precious tools without which I couldn't turn a page.
• Writing by hand. The pose and movement feel lovely, and I know I must glimmer when I'm deep in one of the actions I love most.
• Having Good Mother Moments. A good mother is always beautiful. I feel a little of that beauty when I know I'm effectively guiding Oliver or showing him love.
• Getting eye contact from Oliver. Occasionally, he will smile, tilt his head, and gaze into my eyes for several seconds. I drop everything and feel like I must have wings.
• Wearing lipstick. I went years without caring for lipstick, but now, I'm enjoying it, especially if it sparkles. I've even started using lip liner! I like having some control over the face I show each day.
• Wearing eye makeup. I like my green eyes, and I like framing them. It's a way to play and express myself.
• Good leave-in conditioner. My hair is naturally unruly and tangled. But if it's trimmed and shiny and dark, I feel like Snow White.
• Embracing my skin. I'm quite pale, but I enjoy the contrast with my hair.
• Complimenting others. When I notice and comment on others' appearance, for some reason, I feel pretty too.

Current Emergencies.

• I'm nearly out of mermaid stickers.
• I don't have enough store credit to buy the mermaid journals at 2nd and Charles.
• My birthday has passed, and I must live without eating carrot cake twice a day.
• I can't buy all the sparkly makeup in the world (especially this).
• I'm not automatically getting thin.
• I won't see Phantom until March.
• My black eyeliner is transferring.
• The Phantom refuses to sing to me through the mirror on my door.
• Terrence Mann never wrote me back.
• The Handmaid's Tale is over. Until NEXT YEAR.
• Rain has soaked the ankles of my jeans. Shudder.
• I can't find my Beauty and the Beast sweatshirt (edit: Josh found it).
• I won't be going to Disney World any time soon.
• Mail doesn't come on Sundays. Mail is the original Chick Fil-A.
• I look forward to mail, and then, it's bills.
• I'm terrible at painting my nails.
• I can't say essential words like giraffe, kimono, and mischievous.

Last Day of 31.

Every year on the day before my birthday, I take some time to write about or at least ponder all that I've done in the previous year. I feel like I should earn the next year. Thirty-one has not been an easy year, so I'm going to do my best with this.

• I've adjusted to being a stay-at-home mother--not the best one, but a functional one.
• I spent the entire year trying to get Oliver set up in ABA therapy. And tomorrow, on my birthday, Oliver will meet his own ABA technician who will work with him one-on-one for 20 hours a week.
• I got Oliver into pre-Kindergarten--much paperwork and plenty of meetings (with help from Mom).
• I recovered from my first broken bone.
• I embraced stability when I had it and didn't despair when I lost it. I'm scraping along.
• I watched my blog exceed 100,000 views.
• I read 39 books.

My list is usually much longer, but some of these are especially impactful or took an especially long time. So, do you think that's enough?

My Unrealistic Wish List!

• Always-swift reading ability.
• A box of each Sunburst Metallic Gel pen color.
• A sudden ability to play the piano.
• A sudden ability to play the bass guitar (or at least the bass for "Money for Nothing").
• A large collection of all the discontinued Dark Stardust Gelly Roll pens.
• A long visit to English with lots of walking about.
• Perfect pronunciation.
• A night or two alone with Josh in a fancy hotel.
• A week at Disney World with a happy Oliver (and money for souvenirs!).
• Quick travel to visit Melissa.
• All the books on my GoodReads want-to-read list.
• Perfectly painted nails at all times with no action or effort from me.
• Chocolate-covered strawberries always in  my fridge.
• Always having room (and spare calories) for dessert.
• A small collection of 10-inch Cisette Madame Alexander dolls.
• Blue Moon Cafe's chocolate and brie croissant paninis always available.
• Clothes that put themselves away (by color!).
• Regular massages with oils that don't give me a rash.
• Pretty, practical storage for all my jewelry.
• To read a magazine every day and then donate it (unless it's really special, of course).
• Frequent roller skating.
• Never needing to wake up before 7.
• Being in control of when I fall asleep.
• A sugar glider.
• Seahorses...and someone to take care of them.
• A collage in my room of all Bella Pilar's greeting cards.
• Endless Target gift cards.
• Spreadable brie any time (it's often out of stock).
• A sudden appreciation of hot and cold tea.
• Tickets to Phantom  in surrounding cities.
• Precise makeup application with my own flair every time.
• Hair that stays dyed and trimmed.
• Lollia bubble baths.
• That Bruce and I will always live near each other.
• A full-size Sephora in our city.
• A Paper Source in our city.
• A Papyrus in our city.
• Reaching and maintaining my good weight.
• Unlimited funds to buy other people gifts.
• An annual mountain trip with Keely.
• Easy, present storage of my journals.
• Free access to beauty and stationery subscription boxes.
• The return of the faux marble pens I loved in 6th grade.
• The sudden ability to play the clarinet.
• The ability to see a whole room in one color.

The Kind of Girl.

I want to be the kind of girl who

• Sips hot tea while watching the sunrise.
• Feels pretty every day.
• Wears makeup just for fun even if staying home.
• Buys a book and immediately reads it.
• Always uses Love stamps.
• Uses wax and a seal.
• Plays piano and clarinet.
• Writes letters every week.
• Forgives everyone, even if she doesn't reinstate everyone.
• Doesn't ever find books intimidating.
• Always knows when to trust and when to question.
• Is perfectly slender but not too thin.
• Is a very patient mother.
• Has better instincts and capabilities if someone needs help.
• Is good at stuffing maximum meaning into every minute, especially when alone.
• Isn't afraid of lighting a match.
• Likes her own feet.
• Isn't afraid of simple conversations.
• Speaks French. Why not?
• Is good at painting her own nails.
• Is skilled at appropriate discipline.
• Is not afraid of Harry Connick, Jr.
• Can trust her own mind.
• Always finds time to read and write.
• Walks gracefully without losing her balance.
• Can earn a living by reviewing notebooks/journals and writing utensils.
• Sings a little, draws a little...a whole sampling of talents.
• Likes coffee and other hot beverages.
• Still writes poetry and stories.
• Feels comfortable with dogs.
• Keeps up with her blogs!
• Is more girl than woman but knows how to be both.

Best Bits of Christmas Songs.

Some Christmas songs are so joyful and hopeful that I want to keep them with me all the time. These are two of my favorite lyrics.

"Tidings of comfort and joy." I feel I could wrap these words around me like a fleecy coat. Do I pay attention to such tidings? Do I let myself rest in comfort and joy? Often, I don't. I don't accept comfort when people or circumstances offer it. I back away from joy, perhaps because I'm afraid of losing it. But these lyrics are so hopeful that they remind me to let comfort and joy wash over me.

"All is calm; all is bright." I gave this to one of my journals as a title. I have loved these words for so long. I waited too long to buy a Pottery Barn pillow with these words in chalkboard style on the cover. Calm and bright are so perfect. That's how I want to be. That's how I want to see the world--not just safe but thriving. That's how I want to see myself. Not knowing these were favorite lyrics, Bruce gave me a black box with these words in gold letters and gold polka dots. It's on my nightstand where I see it night and day.

Favorite Objects.

Of course, this is a just a sampling, and it's in no particular order.

• A pouch my mom made for me. It's purple with a pale pink zipper and tiny fairies! I use it for the pens I'm using in my journal. Right now, it's full of blue, gold, and purple.
• My blanket. I don't know where it came from, but I've had it since I was a baby. I'm still attached to it, and I sleep with it under my head.
• My current journal. I form an attachment to the journal I'm using. It's full of my thoughts, serious and trivial. It travels with me.
• A beautiful charm necklace my mother made for me. My favorite things seem to have come to protect or encourage me--snowflakes, seahorses, fairies, words themselves.
• My past journals. In a way, these are my life's work. I worry about what will happen to them when I die. They are starting to grow past their boundaries on my shelf. My encapsulate whole seasons and such details of my life.
• A rhinestone Tinkerbell necklace. Josh bought it for me on one of the darkest days of my life. Now, it reassures me that I can be okay.
• My fountain pens. They are beautiful, amazing. I wanted one so much as a child. To satisfy that child, I have a white pen and a hot pink one. 
• My music on Spotify. It helps me when I do chores and get ready.
• My makeup. It gives me something to play with every day.