Best Little and Not-So-Little Choices.

• Opening my heart to a new friend...or two.
• Becoming nicer at home.
• Buying big mint and lavender headphones...but I've lost them! Now, I have purple and hot pink headphones.
• Registering for drama and poetry, the classes in which I met Josh.
• Deciding to get into makeup. It brings me joy every day.
• Digging my way out of (most of) my rage.
• Starting a regular journal (a gift from my parents) when I was 15. That's almost 20 years ago!
• Buying green wedge-heel Mary Janes. I wore and loved them until I wore them out.
• Taking creative writing for two years in high school even though the teacher was scary.
• Applying to teach at a community college. It's the best job I have had. I did it until I got too sick.
• Reading (just about) every book I've read.

Nourish/Challenge: Week 33.

This past week, I did a little catching up on this blog. It seems silly sometimes. But I think more people read it than I realize. That's a nourishing thought.

I didn't read enough, but I did read a graphic novel by Neil Gaiman and Colleen Doran, a revision of "Snow White." The illustrations are lush and dark. I can't recommend the book as some (many?) would find it offensive, but I handed it to Josh, who read it immediately. I enjoyed the challenge of a genre I rarely read.

But what has consumed most of my thoughts is Oliver's stretches. I have to stretch  his tongue up and back several times a day, so the frenulum won't reattach. We saw Cynthia, who said it looks great--better than 99% of the follow-ups she sees. I cried. It's been so hard and miserable, but it's working. She told me to keep doing whatever I'm during. This has been a major challenge for me, and I'm not done yet.

The hurricane came near, and Oliver's school closed for two days. Two days I didn't have to pull him out of class for stretches! With Labor Day, it was a short week. Oliver started to relax a bit about the stretches. No screaming or struggling, little crying. It got a little easier though he still has a strong jaw and sharp little teeth. But I'm nervous about our second follow-up, which is with Dr. M (the surgeon) herself. What will she say? Will she look at me with disdain or with an unusual smile?

In any case, we've completed two weeks of stretches. I have Band-Aids on both index fingers. That baby can bite.

Oliver's Tongue Tie Surgery.

We heard that we simply had to do it, that it would greatly improve Oliver's quality of life. I worked on it for a couple of months. Mom and Shane were with us. Oliver was missing the first two days of school.

The clinic had an amazing aquatic theme. The reception desk and nurses' station had clear, rippling waves. Sea creatures came out of the ceiling. Walls had ocean murals. Mom said that the theme was more for me than for Oliver!

Josh and I went back with Oliver. The liquid sedative was a fail, but the nurse managed a nasal spray. Oliver quickly got sluggish and silly.

Dr. M came to us quickly in the lobby. She said that the surgery went well, and she again emphasized the importance of the stretches. She looks like a child of fae or a Vulcan. And she takes her handiwork seriously.

Someone took Josh and me back. Oliver was trying to wake up but kept falling over on the bed. I asked the nurses to go over the stretch with me again. She brought over Dr. M! Embarrassing. Dr. M told me to sit in the recliner; she was going to perform the stretch on me. I said okay.

What she did was extremely painful, and my body was thinking flight. I said I did have a better sense of the stretch. Josh pointed out that I had blood in my teeth. How could I do that to Oliver?

Back home, Mom was talking about the stretching. As she spoke about it, I started swaying and tapping my nail on my teeth. She said, "Are you freaking out?" I was.

So Mom did it the first time. After Oliver cried and struggled (we all held him down), I cried on Josh. Mom came over and hugged me too. She said, "What feels heavy right now?" I liked that. "What's wrong?" would minimize the obvious. I told her I was afraid I was wrong to get the surgery, and now, I'd have to hurt him every day. But she said that watching him eat and move his tongue in his mouth made her change her mind--she did believe it was a good choice. That released a lot of my tension.

A few hours later, it was my turn. Everyone waited while I washed my hands and put on gloves. It was awful, but I did it. At least, I think I did it.

The next morning, we got a free check-up with Cynthia (faux name). She empathized the necessity of frequent stretches. I knew I was going to have to do a lot of it the stretches alone, no help.

Oliver went to school to Wednesday. I made noise until I heard Oliver's name on the radios--and suddenly, I met the principal, who was super supportive. We agreed that I'd use the med room about 10 a.m. each day.

The first day, he screamed and cried. The admin staff asked, "Is he going to do that every day?" Yep. On the second day, his lead teacher brought him to the office and held him in her lap, which helped. As soon as I started to leave, I heard, "Want Mama!" After what I'd just done, he wanted me. On Friday, we had the same arrangement, except that I'd brought some metallic vehicle stickers! He chose the ambulance, which seemed appropriate.

I can't express how horrible the stretches are. He bleeds sometimes. He usually wants a coping-strategy bath afterward. We have to do this every three hours for three weeks. I feel pretty traumatized. I just keep trying to convince myself that we did and are doing what's right for Oliver long-term.

Nourish/Challenge: Week 32.

Much of last week was terrible. Oliver had tongue-tie surgery on Monday. Mom and Shane stayed two nights to help us; thank God. The worst part has been the tongue stretches we've had to do to keep the frenulum from growing back. The whole ordeal was and continues to be a challenge.

Oliver missed two days of school but started school on Wednesday. He seemed fine. On Friday, Josh said Oliver went right to his chair. The adults asked where I was, and Josh said I was probably sleeping. Everyone gushed over how sweet he was...to take his child to school. Mmkay. Josh was not amused.

I'm awfully behind on reading, both for myself and my tiny bookclub. I feel weak from the lack of it. And I've not be writing enough. Just writing this is like cool water on my shoulders. I don't know what to request. But I know how quickly I can cease to be myself.

Another week of stretching is coming up. Can we stand it? We have to. Someday, this will seem long ago, whether we succeed or fail.

Nourish/Challenge: Week 31.

A lot happened this past week. I got my blood drawn, and my lithium level was 1.3. 1.1 is the limit. So my psychiatrist decreased my lithium by one pill daily. Okay.

And I found out that he's leaving the group! I don't know why. He gave me a form letter and three months of refills. And he smiled when I wished him luck. I never knew he had gaps in his teeth.

So I made an appointment with an older male psychiatrist with the practice. I just hope he won't make major changes. I hope Topamax really is working, and I can continue taking it.

I still didn't see my therapist. When will I? She seems to have a lot going on.

Josh's classes began. He feels behind already, and I definitely remember that feeling.

Oliver had his pre-op physical. It went fine, and Oliver held it together pretty well.

At speech and occupational therapy, the OT is showing at last. We will miss her when she leaves for three months. Oliver adores her. She told me that her temporary replacement will be Kirsten (I made up the name), whom we have not met yet.

I had a good meeting with Jessica from ABA. She seems patient and understanding, which I really need right now.

Josh's parents came to visit. Oliver had some sort of meltdown, so the visit didn't last long. Still, it started well.

I had to be brave that week. I didn't know how brave I would have to be in the coming weeks.

The Planet and I.

When I was a kid, I had sporadic interest in the planet, recycling in particular. I read about what I could do. My Bible class collected soda cans. My family must have loved soda at that time. I gathered up my used paper and cut the sheets to staple them together. Making the use of the back of the sheets seemed like a big deal to me.

I found other ideas (likely from American Girl). Instead of toting a bag, I carried a cereal box. Yep, just a cereal box--not creative. I think Mom thought I was ultra weird, and she may have been a bit embarrassed.

When I was teaching, I mostly gave up water bottles, and I made notepads from extra copies.

I now use non-disposable water bottles almost exclusively. It's something.

A different kind of recycling is saving discarded ideas, images, lines, characters, and such. Making those scraps new makes me feel clean.

Nourish/Challenge: Week 30.

Last week was heavy on the medical. Josh went to see our primary care doctor about his knee pain. I went to an ENT to get ear wax suctioned out, so I could hear normally from my right ear (painful but effective). I also went to my psychiatrist, who added Topamax to my meds. One side effect is weight loss! He remembered my complaint.

I started setting up Oliver's frenectomy. It's a long and complicated process, and I'm afraid I'll do something wrong and ruin it. I'm nervous about the procedure and post-op stretches. But my mom will be there before, during, and after. The stretches are supposed to be brutal. But his speech therapist is going to try to get him used to the stretches in advance. I guess we can do that too.

So many challenges! But Josh's and Mom's presence with nourish my spirit.