Writing Conference Prompts: Lies and Fears.

What am I pretending not to know? If I were willing to admit it, what would change my life?

• I’m really not sure what I’m pretending not to know. Sometimes, I pretend not to know that Josh and I are addicts (behaviors, not substances), but I think I’ve acknowledged it to the point that I can start healing and we can continue the recovery journey together. 
• I pretend not to know how much I need books and what a crummy reader I am. I have to take ownership of that.
• I pretend not to know how much bitterness I have toward a couple of people. I can't resolve it, so I try not to feel it. None of these things seem all that revelatory in a good way.
• I pretend not to know that I should write publically and publish. I tell myself I don’t want the notoriety, that I’m content with scribbling in a journal. But maybe I don’t want to be what Alexandra Johnson calls a “hidden writer.” 
• I pretend not to know that I’m capable of writing poems and stories and books. 
• I pretend not to know what I can do. 
• I pretend not to know the difference between rest and laziness…it’s a difficult distinction, but I think I know it. I should, anyway. Or do other people struggle with that too?
• I pretend not to know that I have some horrible thoughts that probably stem from some intense mental illness or depravity. Or maybe I pretend not to know that those thoughts, the intrusive ones, are a version of normal. I don’t really see how any of this liberates me. 
• I pretend not to know how bad I am at managing time. 
• I pretend not to know how tired I am. 

Something I no longer fear: 

I’m not really afraid that Josh doesn’t love me. I know he does, has, and will. It won’t be perfect. He will hurt me. He may betray me. But it’s real. The good things count. The memories count even if he wasn't fully present. I also no longer fear that I won't be able to forgive him. And I no longer fear that I will betray myself.

I'm no longer afraid that I will betray Josh in some way. I've betrayed his trust before, but that was a long time ago. The more recent times I've caused him to mistrust me feel distant too because of the resolutions I've made, that I feel capapble of fulfilling. I no longer fear that I won't be able to recover. I've recovered myself before. I've put measures in place to help me be who I want to be and who my family needs me to be. I'm also no longer pretending that my worst flaws aren't that big of a deal. 

I'm no longer afraid, I think, of my parents' disapproval. I've done about the worst things I'm capable of doing. It was bad for a time, but it's not bad now. I've made the confessions I need to make. I'm trying to live well. But their approval isn't tantamount as it used to be. It doesn't control my actions through submission or through rebellion. I'm not ashamed to ask them for help. They also seemed to have accepted me a lot more as I've gotten older.

This is a lie I’ve told before:

What lies have I told? That I haven’t eaten sticky candy: a Starburst or a Skittle that pulled out my crowns. I think the dentist is the only person I lie to. I'm not much of a liar, and I've become less secretive. Maybe I embellish the truth for the sake of storytelling sometimes. Maybe I am vague about the truth. But I can't think of a recent time I've done these things. Maybe I lie to myself. Do I lie to myself about what’s important to me? Or how much rest I need (more? less?)? Or how I need to manage my time? Maybe I’ve lied about my ambition, pretending to be content with a smaller life, with journals, with writing privately. That seems to be what's coming out of the prompts today.

Writing Conference Prompts: Creative Heroes.

 A couple of weekends ago, I went to a virtual writing retreat. Some of the writers who influenced me most when I was growing up and starting to write were there. It was as if the retreat had been built for me. Bruce and I did the retreat together, so I spent most of the weekend at his house. He was willing to let me barge in for three days, and Josh was willing to take care of Oliver alone during the retreat. Even though I couldn't be there in person, I got so much out of the retreat. I'm typing up responses I wrote in my journal to prompts the speakers gave us, and I'm going to share some of them.

Creative Hero: Natalie Goldberg (my first thought, and one of the only creative heroes who wasn't speaking at the retreat)

• Practicing

• Dedicated

• Tireless

• Unapologetic

• Open

• In community

• Integrated

We cannot admire or see a good attribute unless it is within us. 

I am committed to letting this come out in my life.

I admire Natalie Goldberg because she is ever in practice. I have reproduced that practice in my life, even if I don’t feel as dedicated and I can’t throw away my notebooks. She is tireless. She’s been in writing practice for what, fifty years? I’ve been in writing practice for twenty-two years. She’s open. I don’t feel so open, but I have divulged a lot on my blogs. That’s about as far as my community goes. Most of all, I admire how unapologetic and integrated she is. I try to be integrated, and I’m fairly unapologetic. When I do something I think is good, something I think shows or encourages growth, I’m proud of it. I just want to integrate all that I’ve learned and admired into my identity and into my daily life.

Who are my home heroes, and what would I give them credit for?

Kathryn Stripling Byer, Joseph Bathanti, Alan Michael Parker: professors from my BA in English, Creative Writing and from my MFA in Creative Writing, Poetry. All of these people played a role later in my life, affecting my life, my profession, and my writing.

Kay showed me what it looks like to be a practicing poet. She was open and inspiring. She welcomed me. She is the reason I believe I can be both a writer and a mother. She saw Josh’s love for me. She saw his talent and soul, the ways he is beyond me, and the ways we are equal. She gave me a new respect for Josh. She seemed so solid and secure in herself. And she seemed so sure of me. After reading my work, she said, “Obviously, you can do this,” and I’ll never forget that. My talent and ability were obvious to her, and she expected them to be obvious for me. She also showed interest in our lives, our family, and our poetry long after she was our teacher. She featured us on her poetry blog.

Bathanti was just the portrait of kindness and gentleness. I don’t think he’s ever looked down on anyone. He remembered us when he came to read at the college where I was working twice. He kissed our son’s head. He wrote “Advising,” a searing poem about supporting students in higher education. He was willing to take the child in the poem. And he is so quietly successful, so engaged and engaging. He showed me how I could be a writer and a genuine, open person. 

Alan challenged me as a writer, more than anyone else ever had. He showed me that I can always get better. But he also told me, showed me, that I belong. He said I belonged in the MFA program. But he wasn’t going to let me get by; he said I had a long way to go. He expected me to participate. He drew me out socially and poetically in the program. He expected me to work. I couldn’t just sit on my little talent, hoard it and lock it up, preserve it. He demanded that I study and grow. And later, he read at the college where I was working, and he remembered me. He asked my opinion in front of the administration. He told me if my pregnancy (I was pregnant with Oliver at the time) took up all my creative energy. When I said, “I teach full time, and I’m going to have a baby. All of my dreams have come true,” he said, “Oh, no. You always need more dreams.”

Daily, Weekly, Monthly, and Annual Ideals.

I took my list from my last blog about the kind of person I want to be and arranged that into daily, weekly, monthly, and annual goal lists. I made charts for these, and I'm using a pink glitter highlighter to mark what I accomplish. A full spot means I've done it, and a dot means I've worked on it (such as working on grading but not fully catching up).  

Ideally, every day, I will

1. Finish a book

2. Read poems

3. Read a story

4. Do yoga

5. Shower before noon

6. Catch up dishes

7. Catch up laundry

8. Pick up the house

9. Take a shower before noon

10. Eat breakfast

11. Eat lunch

12. Eat dinner

13. Drink 3 or fewer sodas from home

14. Brush twice

15. Floss once

16. Get an hour of touch

17. Stare/zone out for <30 minutes

18. Read visually

19. Listen to an audio book

20. Stay caught up on reading goal

21. Have no overdue library books

22. Do something sexy

23. Finish a writing product or work on a book

24. Journal 5+ pages

25. Do morning pages

26. Read to the boys

27. Update my marriage diary

28. Study something

29. Send a submission

30. Make Oliver’s lunch/prepare drinks

31. Blog

32. Listen to an audio book

33. Plan for 20 minutes

34. Take a.m., p.m., and night meds

35. Stay sober

36. Talk to a friend

37. Catch up on notetaking

38. Catch up on quotations

39. Update financial app

40. Play or do art

41. Daydream

42. Catch up grading

43. Catch up E-mail

44. Catch up training

45. Get a massage or take a bath

46. Clean and wear nightguard

47. Delete/file 50 personal E-mails

48. Talk with Josh

49. Read a magazine article in the morning

50. Update duotrope

51. Meet step goal

52. Meet stair goal

53. Keep up with library app

54. Keep up with Libby

55. Read art 

 

Ideally, every week, I will

1. Read a blog

2. Finish a magazine

3. Hang out with Bruce

4. Plan submissions

5. Cook for Josh twice

6. Go on a Saturday walk

7. Go on a second walk

8. Go on an artist’s date

9. Watch a movie or two episodes

10. Talk to Mom

11. Inventory

12. Have sex 3 times

13. Write a poem

14. Write a short story

15. Complete a chapter with Josh (reading, notes, writing, discussing)

16. Visit the library

17. Finish two books 

Ideally, every month, I will

1. Stay within my spending budget ($140 + planned expenses)

2. Finish a journal

3. Keep a positive bank balance

Ideally, every year, I will 

1. Read 31 poetry books in April

2. Read 31 poetry books in October

3. Read 10 children’s books in winter

4. Read 10 YA books in spring

5. Read 10 short story collections in summer

6. Read 10 nonfiction books in fall

7. Read 100 books

8. Read 5 award winning books

9. Read Best American Poetry

10. Read Best American Short Stories

11. Read Best American Essays

12. Read Best American Food Writing

13. Read Best American Travel Writing

14. Read Best American Science Fiction and Fantasy

Specific Goal for 2023: Read 25 art/fashion/design books

Specific Goal for 2024: Read 20 published diaries/books on journaling

The Kind of Person I Want to Be.

 It was a hard summer. But now, I'm thinking about who (whom?) I want to be as I enter a new season. I started a list in my journal. Some of the items on the list I already do/am. Some of them are starflung. 

I want to be the kind of person who...

• Sparkles

• Finishes a book every day or two

• Always takes her meds

• Reads books in all forms

• Reads poetry every day

• Reads a short story each day

• Reads Best American Poetry each year

• Reads Best American Short Stories each year

• Reads Best American Essays each year

• Reads Best American Food Writing each year

• Reads Best American Travel Writing each year

• Goes on artist’s dates

• Writes poems

• Writes short stories

• Writes magical realism

• Reads all of FLB’s books

• Reads Anne Lamott books

• Reads SARK books

• Keeps an inspiring blog

• Reads creative magazines

• Cuts up magazines for art

• Keeps an art journal

• Doesn’t keep too many read books

• Always has plenty to read

• Pays down credit cards

• Keeps a journal

• Wears unique jewelry

• Has cute pajamas

• Takes baths regularly

• Likes receiving gifts

• Has a simple faith

• Daydreams

• Saves money

• Drinks a lot of water

• Uses her desk

• Uses her project table

• Spends time in the study

• Can nap

• Loves season changes

• Likes to be naked

• Reads multiple books at once

• Uses rubber stamps

• Plays with stickers

• Plays with makeup

• Color coordinates

• Listens to an audio book each day

• Sticks to a budget

• Plans expenses

• Is ready for occasional bills

• Always has money in checking

• Keeps a daily to-do list

• Checks most items off her list

• Keeps wish lists

• Collects dolls

• Collects journals

• Buys books regularly within budget

• Finds great deals

• Writes with fountain pens

• Cleans her pens

• Showers each morning

• Seeks touch from her husband

• Writes with gel pens

• Doesn’t have crushes

• Is faithful

• Loves movies

• Uses glitter

• Decorates in pink, gray, and white

• Has white wood furniture

• Makes time for snuggling

• Loves Dr. Pepper

• Loves Cherry Coke

• Loves sunshine

• Reads aloud

• Eats a mostly kidney-friendly diet

• Publishes poetry

• Isn’t too concerned with publication

• Wins writing awards

• Send a submission every day

• Reads Julia Cameron books

• Reads new poetry

• Reads fairy tales

• Collects illustrated fairy tales

• Spends time in bookstores

• Visits many bookstores

• Cleans out house regularly

• Organizes regularly

• Does yoga

• Goes to the library

• Listens to Broadway showtunes

• Goes to CFRT

• Tidies daily to help her husband feel at ease

• Prays/Meditates

• Keeps an empty work inbox

• Keeps up with grading

• Feels pretty

• Practices writing

• Loves stars

• Reads challenging books

• Reads indulgent books

• Reads with Josh

• Reads with Bruce

• Doesn’t overindulge in sweets (except soda)

• Has multiple people to talk to in hard times

• Is empathic

• Has sex three times a week

• Collects paper dolls

• Uses Libby

• Uses the library

• Finishes library books on time

• Reads in the bath

• Sends funny memes to Josh and Bruce

• Gets haircuts regularly (8 weeks)

• Uses up paper

• Keeps a notebook

• Is always studying something

• Makes and reaches goals

• Doesn’t have to spend money to enjoy life

• Goes on Saturday walks

• Goes to 10 shows a year

• Watches one movie a week

• Weighs x-x pounds

• Fits in pants size x or x

• Wears size x

• Keeps up with personal E-mail

• Inspires students

• Manages money well

• Absorbs art daily

• Reads coffee table books

• Eats three meals a day

• Tells her husband everything

• Lives passionately

• Uses page flags

• Records quotations

• Dresses with unique professionalism

• Goes to OT every other week

• Keeps good habits

• Takes classes

• Takes trips with Josh twice a year

• Has a great library

• Has a great Kindle library

• Has a great Audible library

• Rereads favorite books

• Drinks Shirley Temples

• Makes a beautiful home

• Is kind

• Inspires others

• Keeps up with training

• Is active at or around home

• Keeps house stocked

• Can handle school drop-off/pick-up

• Reads published diaries

• Always makes O’s lunch

• Keeps a marriage diary

• Reads worthwhile blogs

• Keeps up with Starry’s fountain

• Takes day trips to Raleigh

• Talks to Mom weekly

• Gives teachers gifts

• Gives teachers supplies

• Kisses Josh more than once every day

• Always has a great purse

• Finishes a journal every 3-4 weeks

• Holds hands in public

• Wears great shoes

• Decorates journals

• Uses all kinds of inks

• Learns every day

• Goes on annual writing retreats

• Supports Josh’s running

• Supports Josh’s reading

• Travels each decade

• Dances

• Is patient

• Is brilliant and insightful

• Pays attention to Oliver

• Reads Alexandra Stoddard books

• Drinks iced coffee

• Drinks grape slushes

• Throws away tissues

• Knows all about fairies

• Knows all about mermaids

• Tells interesting stories

• Manages grocery money

• Writes sexy letters to Josh

• Keeps up with flea treatments

• Always has what Oliver needs

• Goes to museums

• Sees parents monthly

• Writes letters or postcards

• Gives family Christmas gifts

• Has enough bookcases

• Has nice bookcases

• Keeps good records

• Reads 100 books a year

• Is rarely tense

• Delights others

• Brushes Oliver’s teeth well

• Catches up on laundry daily

• Catches up on dishes daily

• Reads every book she owns

• Keeps inventory

• Makes collages

• Accomplishes a lot each day

• Uses what she has/buys

• Finds cool books constantly

• Gets enough sleep

• Tries new foods

• Asks for help

• Asks for comfort

• Believes in soulmates

• Likes her husband

• Follows through

• Cooks for Josh twice a week

• Doesn’t have to try too hard to be thin

• Reads about French people

• Reads Ann Patchett books

• Reads Marisa de los Santos books

• Reads Madeleine L’Engle books

• Spends little time scrolling

• Mixes Gatorade

• Is stuffed with poetry and stories

• Sleeps in sometimes

• Has monthly weekends alone with Josh

• Reads magical realism

• Shops the poetry section

• Loves to read

• Is in a writer’s group

• Turns off lights and fans

• Reads for hours each day

• Monitors herself

• Isn’t often lonely

• Talks to Bruce every day

• Likes sex

• Gets great performance reviews

• Eats enough

• Doesn’t eat too much

• Is elegant

• Reads about libraries

• Visits many bookstores

• Sees London

• Sees a West End show

• Receives journals and books as gifts

• Reads Anna-Marie McLemore books

• Reflects often

• Is a practicing poet

• Draws sometimes

• Goes to sleep at 10:30

• Fascinates a few people

• Knows contemporary poetry well

• Memorizes phone numbers, social security numbers, and poems easily

• Sets a positive example

• Eats fruit

• Eats vegetables

• Finishes most books

• Stops reading a book she doesn’t like

• Gives great gifts

• Uses her education

• Listens to books while driving

• Listens to books while doing chores

• Listens to books while staring

• Shares music

• Listens to Josh’s music

• Keeps up with inhalers

• Lives authentically

• Is mentally stable

• Collects stickers

• Reads about her favorite artists

• Likes herself

• Manages her anxiety

• Changes sheets weekly

• Reads children’s lit

• Wear her glasses

• Doesn’t stare too much

• Can tread water for an hour

• Goes to therapy regularly

• Goes to marriage counseling when necessary

• Follows advice of healthcare professionals

• Discovers new music

• Sends comfort kits to the border

• Advocates for people with disabilities

• Checks in with list monthly

• Has a clear conscience

• Has blog readers

• Responds to writing prompts

• Contributes to family finances

• Keeps up with GoodReads

• Keeps up with StoryGraph

• Cleans her pens

• Keeps up with MVP

• Uses writer’s medic bag

• Plays with color

• Reads LGBTQIA+ lit

• Reads YA lit

• Collects gel pens

• Uses all her fountain pens

• Reads 10 Pulitzers a decade

• Encourages others to read

• Reads biographies of writers

• Lives according to her values

• Recycles pens

• Spends time with Starry

• Edits

• Organizes books

• Studies color

• Stays in touch with O’s teachers

• Studies fashion

• Studies interior design

• Reads 10 Newsberrys a decade

• Reads Anais Nin

• Reads memoirs

• Reads Faery Tale Magazine

• Reads home literary magazines

These are my thoughts so far. At the end of fall, I'll see how many actions I take.

Joy Despite Heartbreak.

Josh and I are currently separated. We're living in the same house but not as a romantic couple. Our goal is reconciliation, but we have a lot to work through individually and together. We started marriage counseling a couple of months ago, and we'll continue that. We each have our own therapist. Josh is starting EMDR for some traumas that are still affecting our lives. Josh is also in a support group and has been reaching out to family. I have been trying to build and strengthen friendships to help sustain me now and in the future. 

We've been reading books together since February, and we'll continue that. We've read Boundaries in Marriage, Beyond Boundaries, Emotional Intelligence 2.0, and Becoming the One. Josh has listened to most of them while I've read the books visually. That's what we're doing now with The Body Keeps the Score. He's well ahead of me because he listens to the book while he runs. While I finish TBKTS, I think we'll both listen to Brene Brown's The Power of Vulnerability. Our counselor recommended Brown's work, so that's where we'll start.

We still see each other, parent together, spend time in the living room or study, talk, text, and E-mail. The biggest obvious change is that we don't touch. I hadn't realized how integral touch is in our relationship or how essential touch is to my self-regulation. We've always been major snugglers but especially lately as we've been trying to strengthen our marriage. Right now, the marriage is on hold while some key things happen. I don't know what all of those things are, but I hope they'll become clear as we go. I don't know if this will take weeks or months. I don't know how the shape of our lives will change. We're trying to keep everything as normal as possible for Oliver, who is now out of school. Josh is working long days this summer, so I have to keep myself going for Oliver, who is almost always with me.

I'm struggling with the need for physical affection to feel loved and with the need for physical touch (firm or soft, depending on how I feel) to help me process and manage emotions and the physical manifestations of emotions. I've been spending more time with Bruce and Corey, and they give great hugs. I'm finding other ways to fill or calm my need for touch, including focusing more on my other senses.

How does one hold onto joy in the middle of heartbreak, daily tension, fear, loneliness, and uncertainty? That's what I'm trying to learn. Going back through some old blog posts has been helping; this blog represents some of the best in me, my greatest determination to be content and at peace, to embrace joy.

Here are some steps I've taken and some ideas I have on what else to do.

Take hot baths. This eases my tension, calms and comforts me, and engages my skin and muscles--my sense of touch.

Seek hugs. I let the hugs I get last longer than usual, be firmer than usual. For the first time in ten days, I hugged Josh last night. It felt natural. I didn't feel unsafe, desperate, depressed, or intoxicated. So I think we'll hug daily. We both need it.

Savor the weight of blankets. My bed has the perfect blankets: a down comforter, a cookie monster (my term for a particularly fluffy blanket. This one is Shabby Chic from Target, aqua with satin trim), and a fairy comforter. The weight of them is perfect for me regardless of season--so comforting. So I stay awake long enough to feel that comfort on my body and the coolness of the sheets on my skin. 

Use my heated blanket. In the living room, I have a heated blanket. I want to get a heated blanket or wrap for the study eventually. Heat soothes me, and I'm often cold. This is another way to comfort myself and engage my sense of touch.

More to come...

Starting Afresh: My Word of the Year 2023.

For every year, I try to choose a word (or, occasionally, more than one word) that encompasses how I want to approach the twelve months. The word should apply to multiple spheres or layers of my life. I didn't think about a word for 2023 until just several days ago, but the word came to me quickly: Nourish.

Nourish applies most obviously to my body. I made tremendous changes to my body last year, losing 54 pounds and reaching my goal weight. I want to maintain my body and to take care of it. That includes eating mindfully, eating enough, indulging only occasionally, getting enough restful sleep, and moving healthfully. I don't have strict exercise plans, but I know I feel better physically and mentally when I practice yoga often. I'd also like to meet the daily step goals my watch sets for me, which is fairly easy if I keep up with errands and chores. I want to strengthen my muscles, particularly in my core.

But Nourish applies to just about everything else in my life. I want to nourish my mental health and my mind. That means keeping up with my medication and making any necessary adjustments, staying accountable, and staying in touch with my psychiatrist and therapist. It also means rebuilding the structure and rituals that brought me peace and happiness for the first two-thirds (or at least first half) of 2023. More on that in another post.

I'm not planning to have a NoBuy year, but I am applying my word to a LowBuy year. I want to nourish our finances, reestablishing a clear sense of our needs and capabilities, tackling debt, practicing realistic and sustainable spending, and bringing into our lives only new objects and experiences that will support the life we seek. Josh and I have agreed upon a monthly spending budget, but that plan will not be feasible for at least a couple of months as we need to save money for our anniversary trip in February. Exempt from the budget (where possible) are what we consider essentials to my Self: books that I can't get through the library or that I seriously want to own (example: Best American Poetry 2022, which I now have) and exceptional journals I find in store. We have a moratorium on that, too, for now. Otherwise, the budget must cover everything from clothes and shoes to jewelry and makeup to online journals, art supplies, and fountain pen ink or anything else that I may want. I would consider placing writing instruments outside the budget, but I have enough essentials right now to avoid any emergencies. Anything beyond all that can be a gift at an appropriate time. If essentials do come up, we will exempt them, but I have plenty of clothes and outerwear in my new size, and none of those or my shoes are likely to wear out this year. I'm all set. I'm going to keep a wish list and be content with its length.

I also want to nourish my key relationships. I need more support, and I have more support to offer, so I am establishing and reestablishing some friendships. They don't have to look like other friendships or follow specific guidelines; we can design our own. I've just made an online friend, Stephanie, as a LowBuy accountability partner, and we seem to be a great match. She independently chose Nourish as her word of the year--how crazy is that?! I am nourishing my relationships with my husband and son, and a lot of that requires maintenance that doesn't come naturally to me. Josh's love language is Acts of Service, and I'm a thoughtlessly messy person. Both Josh and Oliver need me to be gently patient and reassuring, and I am not naturally a patient person; I'm more tempestuous even at my best and most loving. So nourishing those relationships will mean continuing to work on paying careful attention to Oliver, taking care of basic needs that most children would handle independently by now, keeping up with the daily chores like dishes and laundry so that Josh can feel at peace, trying to rein in my natural clutter, softening my voice, taking Xanax when the world feels too slow, repeating myself without getting frustrated, and offering reassuring touch and words even when I don't see the necessity. Nourishing some of my relationships will mean letting go of expectations or wishes and finding other ways to meet my needs. I need to nourish a network, and I need to nourish what I can find within myself.

I'm sure further applications will come to mind. Nourish is my word, starting today.

Where Have I Been? The Rest of 2022.

I haven't posted in months. I kept meaning to go back and catch up, but I never did.

We had a brilliant trip to Asheville in August, and that is the last time I remember being consistently happy. I went through a rough mixed episode that lasted for a few weeks shortly thereafter. It was severe enough that I spent most of my time in bed, doing nothing. Josh rearranged his schedule so that I rarely had to leave the house. I felt as if I'd broken bones and had to let them reset. 

In that process, I lost most of my rituals and structure. The only routine I maintained was calorie cutting, perhaps a little too much, to lose weight. I stopped doing yoga regularly. I stopped reading consistently. I even stopped journaling every day. I gave up my janner subscription and stopped enjoying magazines. 

I lost a lot of my NoBuy resolve, especially as my weight loss started to require new clothes. I also began to lose sense of our finances, making mistakes and overestimating our income. I imagine this is came from manic characteristics of impulsivity and grandiose or borderline-delusional thinking. I'm still trying to regain my sense of money management. 

My mixed episode ended when I started a new medication, but that med damaged my liver, and I couldn't take it long. Still, I was stable though I didn't feel good. I got through some books, including some audio books. I scribbled most days. My anxiety got worse, and depression visited me in the evenings as darkness came earlier. I felt searing loneliness, especially in intense moments when no one seemed reachable. Recently, another mixed episode ripped me open, and I'm still reeling from that, hoping that it's over. I've also had a long period of poor sleep and a shorter period of pain and weakness that is likely related to kidney stones.

I decided to end the year softly. I couldn't make a strong finish; the last few months have been too challenging. But I did reach my goal weight this month, and I reached a total of 116 books for the year, sixteen books beyond my goal.

Today, I have very little pain, my anxiety is under control, and I'm not particularly down. I'm tired. But I've slept through to 6 a.m. the past two mornings after waking consistently at 2 to 4 a.m. for weeks. My Stillness and Attention have suffered in the last third of this year. I have been frenetic, agitated, peaceless, unfocused, exhausted, and unproductive. 

But I have a new word in mind for 2023, one that I think will help me both challenge and care for myself. I also have a new friend who happens to have chosen the same word! I hope for stability, for mindfulness, and for an overwhelming number of days that I can call *good.*