Stillness & Attention: Week 16.

Day 1: I sent nine poems to a journal that will likely take several months to get back to me. I have 100 poems under consideration. I finished Cathy Smith Bowers's A Book of Minutes and started her Traveling in Time of Danger. It's strange that she has a Collected Poetry when she is still alive and presumably still writing. When I first saw the book, I was worried. But apparently, she's still teaching in the Queens MFA program.

I'm now in August in my Daily Bible. I'm ready for the New Testament.  

Day 2: I've been to two parks today, and now, I'm tired. I read some of AAT to both boys and some of the Running book to Josh while we sat on a hill more dirt than grass.

I sent out five poems this morning, somewhat comical ones, all from my chapbook The Queen, the City. I received two rejections in the last two days, both a little disappointing--one because my work has appeared there before and the other because it was for a themed call and I thought what I sent fit well. Oh well. Both said I should submit again later, so I'll wait a couple of months and do that. 

I decided to revise my poetry collections even though they're currently under consideration with publishers. I started with Little Droughts and Hurricanes, the much-evolved version of my masters thesis. I cut seven poems that just belong elsewhere. I hope this tightens the manuscript. I'm also thinking about merging one complete chapbook with another chapbook idea. I figure I'll revamp my books once a year as I continue to send them out. Responses typically take several months. I have an idea of where to send LD&H next. I'm going to try to publish more of the poems in the chapbooks before I submit the chapbooks for publication again. I have a lot of work to do. 

I finished Cathy Smith Bowers's Traveling in Time of Danger. I've started reading The Truth about Magic by Atticus for some lighter poetry and visual engagement. I should finish it quickly. I only have about 75 pages left in Snow White and Rose Red. I'll try to finish that tomorrow. But I really need to be focused on The Personal Librarian and The Storied Life of A. J. Fikry, both of which are late. I also need to finish The Paris Library, read a Proust graphic novel (I figured it would be a good introduction to Proust, whom I've never read), and read a story collection called Cities I've Never Lived In. Those three books are due soon. I have some holds coming in next week, so I need to get square with the library. I'm struggling a little with attention. 

Meanwhile, I'm three and a half months into my NoBuy year. What I want most right now is a set of The Phantom of the Opera prints by Annie Stegg. I also want her one of her books and some of her other prints. She's a new favorite artist. But I'll get something of hers for Christmas or next year. In the meantime, I'll keep looking at her beautiful paintings online.

Day 3: I'm writing with a Pentel Krazy Pop Electric Watermelon pen, dark green with red glitter. 

I finished editing an old story (one I like) and sent it to a speculative journal. If it gets rejected, I may ask the editor of the magazine I read for to help me figure out revision. He looks at one story a month for staff members. This story was shortlisted (meaning it got through the first round of reading though not the final round) for another magazine, so it must have some merit. It has one great scary moment that I need to extend somehow. 

Day 4: I'm writing with a Krazy Pop Cotton Candy Bliss pen, pink with blue glitter.

I sent six poems to a magazine today; it's a magazine that Duotrope doesn't list, so I'll have to rely on my handwritten records. We went to the park for a while. It was sunny and windy. I read more of Running to Josh; we only have about 35 pages left.

Day 5: I finished Fate by Ai this morning: rough but good poems. I'll read more of Ai's books, whatever I can get through the library. I've started a check-out list on the library's website, and I can easily place holds from that list. I have a lot of poetry in transit! Now, I just need to finish as many books as I can and return them. I have five books ready to go back. One of them is the Proust graphic novel, which Josh said he might read. I'm starting A Fortune for Your Disaster, poems by Hanif Abdurraqib.

I sent a piece of flash fiction to a magazine. This story almost made it into another magazine many years ago. I remember the editor's sending me the longest, most encouraging rejection I've ever received. I submitted work to him three more times, and that fourth time, he published the story! I've actually only published two stories. I'm much more experienced (and well-read) as a poet than as a short fiction writer.

Day 6: Today was a mess. Actually, it went pretty well under the circumstances. Josh has had a sore throat for a couple of days, and I my throat started hurting last night. I figured we must have strep. Josh went to urgent care in the morning and tested positive for strep. When he got back, I went to urgent care. My test was negative, but the doctor saw patches in my throat and prescribed antibiotics anyway. I'm pretty sure I have strep. 

When I got back, we took Oliver to the doctor. Oliver can't tell us if his throat hurts, but he hasn't shown any signs of being sick. His strep test was negative. So we'll just watch him. Josh and I are on amoxicillin and 24-hour Sudafed, but we still feel pretty rough. I suddenly realized that I couldn't smell anything--not a scented candle, not a Wallflower, not my shampoo. Then, my sense of taste went too. We did two kinds of at-home rapid tests, both negative. If I test negative again tomorrow, we may need to find a testing site to do a PCR. Do those still exist? Everyone is acting like the pandemic is over. I didn't do much reading or send a submission today. I did start A Fortune for Your Disaster, poems by Hanif Abdurraqib.

Day 7: We had a home inspection today, which was stressful. Just acting well was hard (we did tell the person that we were sick before she came, and I wore my N95). But our house looks great, and we are tired. I'm not even looking forward to going to bed because I don't think I'll feel better. I feel like I have a sinus infection--all that pressure in my face. 

Luckily, Oliver has been in a good and chill mood. I've done a ton of laundry, and our beds are fresh. Again, I haven't been able to read or do writing work. I sent five extra submissions last week, so I'm still ahead. I'm giving up on some library books that need to go back. I also have some books waiting at the library, including a YA fantasy and some Sharon Olds poetry. I'm worried that being sick will make me lose all my momentum. But I just have to give myself grace. A hot bubble bath sounds good. I already miss the taste of Dr. Pepper.

Stillness & Attention: Week 15.

Day 1: Oliver slept in today, so Josh and I got some morning time together. I read more of Bella Grace Cozy and sent four poems to a magazine in Wales. I've had poems published in English and Canadian journals, but that was long ago. 

Everything Everywhere All at Once was insane and maybe...awesome? Awesome. I didn't experience a moment of boredom. I think I need to process the movie. Going to a movie theater was great; I hadn't been to one since Josh and I saw Dear Evan Hansen in Raleigh. 

I read the first chapter of An Acceptable Time to the boys. We're almost done with the series!

And I got some good news: an online literary journal has accepted one of my poems! Every acceptance is basically a miracle. I've sent out 79 pieces this year, but I have about 140 pieces listed on duotrope. I have some to retire and a lot more to send out.

Day 2: Josh and I again had a little time before he went for a bike ride. I sent three poems to a journal that rejected other poems about a year ago--time to try again! I finished reading Voracious, which is perfect if you like books and food, whether or not you can cook (I can't). That's book five for the month. I don't think I'll get anywhere near the amount I read last month: 

We went to a nearby park and stayed there for two and a half hours! The sun was bright, and the wind was cold. It felt great. I enjoyed sitting on the turf, feeling the wind and sun, and talking to Josh. I did read a chapter of Running to him while we were there. Oliver happily ran up and down his favorite hill and watched the kids play.

Josh went to a hunger walk (he ran). I ate brown rice with chicken, green beans, and cheese. I continued reading Snow White and Rose Red, which has gotten interesting. I already feel behind on my YA focus though I am counting Many Waters (yes, I've decided that the Time Quintet is YA rather than young readers...Many Waters contained the words slut and easy lay. We laughed out loud). Later, I started reading The Personal Librarian. I hope it will be an easy read. Josh took four books back to the library for me.

Day 3: Monday. I read more of Bella Grace Cozy while Josh went to the gym and Oliver slept. Josh took Oliver to school and then slept while I planned submissions. I sent three pieces of flash fiction to a contest and figured out my next few submissions. I'll send at least seven submissions this week. 

I've been keeping up with my Bible reading, trying to do it earlier in the day since it's still bleak (I'm in Jeremiah). I get a little down on Mondays. I probably just miss Josh since he works later that day. But I boosted my spirits paradoxically by finishing the heartbreaking Stag's Leap--so sad and so good. 

Day 4: I finished reading Bella Grace Cozy this morning. One of my new dreams is to write for BG. I'll add that to my 50 before 50 list. I started reading The Very Short Poems of A. R. Ammons, a library book. Some people don't like short poems. I think they can be awesome. I generally prefer poems that don't go beyond the first page. But occasionally, I'm grateful to find more on the next page (Hey, Sharon Olds). 

I sent five poems to a magazine and revised a few old poems. Revision is a lot easier with years of distance. I rewrote a couple of poems to suit a particular market that still only takes postal submissions. I need to write letters anyway, so maybe tomorrow will be a day for stamps. I now have seven other submissions planned out, enough to get me into next week. I don't think subs will be difficult during spring break; the boys notice when I get all intense working on a sub. I have a lot more reformatting if not actual revising to do. Somehow, I always have more to change or fix. 

I now have 72 pieces out. That's still only a little more than half of my active work. I have a lot of work ahead. But I'm trying to pace myself and only send out one sub set a day. Steady. 

Well, I threw that out the window. I sent four submissions today (including the postal submission) and planned several. It took most of the day. I'm tired now. But I'm still trying to get in all my habits for the day. Josh took Oliver to OT and brought home a burger for me. He's always trying to make my life easier. 

Day 5: I sent two submissions today, one of them to a contest. I now have 89 pieces out on the town. I'd like to get 20 acceptances this year, but I'll be happy with 10. We'll see. I did get a late start. So far, I'm at 1. I got 11 acceptances last year, but I really only submitted work in January and February. I hope to stay on top of it this year. Once I get everything out, I'll shift into maintenance mode and focus on creating new work.

This morning, I started reading the current issue of Bella Grace and read a couple of chapters of The Personal Librarian. I'm quite behind on my reading, but I did read a great many A. R. Ammons poems last night. I'd like to finish the book today. 

Josh did the grocery shopping today because I was sleepy. He's always trying to make my life easier. Wait, I just said that yesterday! When he got back, we put away groceries and did our third session of yoga. Last night, I ordered a hot pink yoga mat with Amazon points. Josh already has a mat. Mats will make the hardwood floor much more comfortable. We've gotten through standing poses, twists, and back bends. Oliver cannot abide by unauthorized video or audio, so we're going to have to see how much we remember on our own for the next few sessions. 

Oliver's last day of school is tomorrow; then, he'll be off for ten days. Josh will be off next week too. Keeping Oliver entertained will be a challenge. We'll probably spend a lot of time at the park. Maybe I'll finish reading Running to Josh.

Day 6: I read some of Bella Grace and The Personal Librarian again this morning. I like that time between 6 and 7 a.m.

I sent seven poems to a magazine. I've almost reached 100 pending subs! I was alone this morning, so I took a B&BW Winter Candy Apple bubble bath and finished reading The Really Short Poems of A. R. Ammons. I didn't love it, but I marked a few clever poems for Josh to read. 

I started reading The Book of Minutes, poems by Cathy Smith Bowers. I've read three of her books, and I've checked out the other two in a collection from the library. Cathy was one of my thesis readers, and I got to see her again when she came to do a reading and workshop at the college where I was teaching. She remembered me! I was pregnant with Oliver at the time. 

I've asked the library to purchase some of Alan Michael Parker's poetry books. I own four, and the others are on order. I hope to read those soon. Alan was my thesis advisor (I went with the tough one), and I got to see him too when he read at my college. Alan, Cathy, Kathryn Stripling Byer, and Joseph Bathanti had the greatest influence on my poetry. JB also read at my college. Kay was the NC Poet Laureate when we were juniors at ASU, and she taught a poetry seminar we took. We went to her odd little octagonal cabin every week to snack and to talk about poetry. We stayed in touch with her until she died some years ago. I miss her. She once featured us together on her blog. 

Oliver came home with Easter eggs and candy from school. He doesn't care much for candy except Skittles. I've had a lemon Starburst and a Hershey's Kiss. I made whole wheat rotini with asparagus and Alfredo sauce. 

Oliver stayed up late last night, and we're not sure why. I hope that doesn't happen again tonight. I fell asleep before Josh came to bed. That bit of time at night is going to be important during spring break. We used to get a little time in the mornings, but Oliver has been waking up early. We're not used to staying up past 8:30. But we'll have to try to get 30 minutes or an hour together before we sleep. Josh has narcolepsy, so this is especially challenging. I can't fall asleep without melatonin or Ambien, so I can just start taking those later at night. The worst is when I delay my sleep meds so I can see Josh but he goes to sleep and I'm left alone, stuck awake. In general, though, I've been having less of the extreme loneliness that wrecked me for a while. 

Day 7: This morning, Josh and I did our fourth session of yoga, this time without a video. We just timed it for 20 minutes and did all the poses we could remember. I used my new hot pink yoga mat. I read chapter 4 of An Acceptable Time to the boys.

While Josh was at work, I submitted six poems to a magazine with a theme call: Sugar. I mostly sent poems about food! I now have 102 pieces under consideration.

After Josh got home a little early, we went to the park for about two and a half hours. I read to Josh; we're more than halfway through Running. I imagine we'll spend a lot of time at the park during the break, and I'll do a lot of reading. 

I reached my reading goals for the day, but I still have library books to finish asap. I have some holds coming in next week, mostly poetry, so I need to get square with the library. I need that stillness and attention.

Stillness & Attention: Week 14.

Day 1: I've been wanting to make more use of our study, a special little room full of books and our two desks. I've fantasized about having a cozy reading chair by the window, but we're broke, and we had an exercise bike and an exercise ball in that space. So I thought, someday. 

But I remembered what my phone lock screen says: Use what you have. A couple of years ago, I bought a turquoise disc chair for our room. I sat there while I did writing workshops. At Christmas, we decided to put up a tree in that space, so we moved the chair to Oliver's room, where we don't really use it. 

So I told Josh my idea. He said I could give away the exercise bike and he'd put the ball in the attic. Done! Someone already picked up the bike. And Josh moved my chair to the study, right by the window that gets morning sunlight. I took a little wine stand from the guest room (a funny little piece we've used as nightstand, printer stand, and more) and set it next to the chair for drinks and books. It's a perfect little reading nook! I plan to spend mornings there.

I didn't do enough reading today, but I did continue Many Waters aloud and send out a three-poem submission.

Bruce and I saw Oklahoma! at DPAC. It was...well, I don't think I'm cool enough to have fully enjoyed it. The dream sequence, the camera use, and the dark ending didn't do it for me. But of course, the songs were good, and the cast was talented. I was especially impressed with the man who played Jud, Christopher Bannow. He was able to make the character both creepy and somewhat sympathetic. I don't know if the original show was darker and the movie toned it down. I may just need time to process.

In any case, we enjoyed soft pretzels, peanut M&Ms, laughter, and showtunes. Only about 10% of the people at the show wore masks, but we did. I wore my comfortable champagne glitter wedges and had a much easier time walking around in Durham. It was a beautiful day, sunny and not too hot. An usher complimented my necklace. I love compliments from ushers! 

Day 2: I've been reading for the magazine and sending out another three-poem submission. I have 58 pieces out now. I'm not likely to get anything back very soon. I'll keep myself busy. I did spend a few minutes sitting in the sunlight in my new nook. Today, I'm washing our sheets and all our bedding. I'll have to pay close attention to the washer and dryer so I can get it all done today. 

Surprisingly, I just received a one-day rejection. That journal is really on top of submissions! I expect rejections a good 93% of the time. They rarely bother me for more than a second if even that. I've gotten hundreds of rejections.

Day 3: I sent four poems to a poetry contest! I've never won a contest as an adult, and I don't expect to win. But I still think entering is good.

I'm writing today with one of my favorite pens (this one from Leah): Pentel Krazy Pop Velvet Starlight, a gorgeous dark blue with gold shimmer.

Yesterday, the boys and I went to the park. Josh and I sat on the turf, and I finished reading Reasons to Stay Alive to him. That's book two for the month. I'll soon read to him What I Talk about When I Talk about Running. And I did finish washing all our bedding, so we have a fresh bed. Our word-covered duvet cover is still bright. 

I received another rejection, and I ended up getting bummed. I don't think it was because of the rejections; I'm pretty used to those. But I told Josh I needed comforting. He came home early and brought The Habit! The burger was great, and I started pulling out of my mood.

Day 4: I had some time with Josh this afternoon, and then, he took Oliver to OT. I read for the magazines and finished reading Frank Bidart's Star Dust. I got a notice that a magazine that has published my work in the past is still looking for submissions for its newest themed issue. I wrote a new poem for the call and sent two other poems that seemed to fit. That is my first simultaneous submission. I don't send pieces to more than one publisher at once because that's a lot to keep up with, but I think this was a special case. Most writers do simultaneous submissions; right now, I'm just trying to get all my work out somewhere. I'll consider simultaneous submissions later. 

Day 5: I spent the morning with Josh, and he made us scrambled eggs. We came up with some goals to keep us mentally healthy. I'm encouraging Josh to read and write a little each day even though he's been in a terrible slump. We're planning to start doing yoga and to try to get more sunlight. I started reading the Running book to Josh as we drove to get groceries. We bought pretty minimal groceries, but the bill was still high. 

I started reading Sharon Olds's Stag's Leap, poems. It's a Pulitzer Prize winner. Snow White and Rose Red is getting interesting. I read a good bit of Voracious, which is late going back to the library. I was pretty tired by the end of the day, but I did read a day of my Daily Bible. I've also been reading an article (or more) from Bella Grace Cozy each morning. I need to finish two more books this week. We only have 40 pages left in Many Waters! I didn't send a submission today, but I did write a poem: "Peter."

Day 6: I didn't sleep well last night. I've been anxious. I did send out five poems and read a story for the magazine, so I feel mildly accomplished. I get a sliver of time with Josh this afternoon. He is taking a few hours off tomorrow so that we can spend the whole school day together. We're going to do some yoga (I have a DVD) and try to get outside. At 7, I'm going to see Everything Everywhere All at Once with Bruce and Corey--a late night for me! I'm looking forward to the company, the sci-fi, the popcorn, and the big soda (probably Cherry Coke). It will be a great day.

Day 7: Josh and I had a good day together. We did yoga (a little comical, but we did it), ate together, and rested. While he slept, I sent a story to a magazine. Later, I finished reading Many Waters to the boys. We only have one more book in the Time Quintet. We'll start that tomorrow.

MW is book #50 for the year. I'm halfway to my goal.

Can This Man Be Believed? On Faith.

 Maybe I'll go ahead and get my Bible reading done during the day. It seems heavy at night--all the judgment and punishment. Make thieves and then punish them. Why would a loving God allow, let alone inflict, such suffering? 

I've been married to Josh a long time. Sometimes I think he does believe in God but does not believe Him to be good. Yet we're damned if we don't believe or don't revere. It's unfair, but what is the point in resisting, in rebelling? It won't change God. It will only cause more suffering. And apparently, God is right while what we feel and are is wrong. Maybe this crisis of faith is linked to other fallings out. 

It's hard to read God's word and see Him as all loving. He seems to delight in destruction of his own creations. So maybe that's where I am--not wondering if God is real but wondering if He is good. We believe God is good because He tells us He is. I guess He's God, so He can do whatever He wants. 

But what do you do with a vengeful, cruel God? He's still God. He'll still destroy the unfaithful. You can't vote Him out of office. I probably shouldn't be reading the Old Testament right now, but that's where I am. 

How is it that the good things that happen come from God but the bad things do not? What is the point of prayer if God has already made all His decisions...or decided to allow whatever humans will do? 

I can follow a God who made Oliver the way he is. Can I follow a God who would send my husband to hell? Can I believe that's what will happen? And how did Josh reject his faith so completely, not just with doubt but with contempt? Nothing horrible happened to him to begin it. But then nothing horrible happened that I can link to this questioning. 

My mom once told me that God is not a punishing God. But He clearly is in scripture. How much did Jesus change God's ways? And if God makes the rules, why doesn't He change them? Did He? 

I don't know what to believe. Maybe I'm just damned. Maybe I always have been. 

Stillness & Attention: Week 13.

Day 1: Yesterday, I picked up my Daily Bible and started reading where I left off in July a couple of years ago. I decided to go ahead and finish the reading, working on it each day. Some of this stems from my faith, some from my questions and doubts, and some from basic literary and cultural scholarship. 

I wanted to submit fiction to a magazine that has published my poetry. It centers on fairy tales and considers three pieces of flash fiction at a time. I found a brief story based on a dream; I'd completely forgotten it, and my readers (Josh and Bruce) say they never read it. It's not fanciful but has a fable-like quality. So I needed two more pieces. My other fairy tales are too long. I stared at the blank screen for a minute, but nothing came. Having given up, I turned to a new page in my journal and wrote a 400-word story called "Berry and Blanket." I was excited--this was my first piece of short fiction in a long time, maybe a year or so. 

And today, The Necklace That Does Not Exist (as Josh bought it with money outside space and time) arrived! It's a Betsey Johnson Tzarina jewelry box necklace. It has Betsey Johnson's darling hematite bows, a rhinestone-studded hand mirror, and a little gold and pink glitter jewelry box...that opens.

Inside are a jewel, a gold heart necklace, and a ballerina. I can't wait to wear it.

I've made a lot of progress with Neverland; I'll try to finish it this weekend. I finished off my B&BW Sparkling Limoncello shower gel today. I like to have a few gels going at once. I'm really loving the philosophy Cinnamon Buns 3-in-1. 

Day 2: I finished Neverland and finished a journal! Neverland was a biography, but not just of one person. It was primarily about J. M. Barrie, George du Maurier, and Daphne du Maurier. The latter's adolescent journals will not be published until 2039--I'll be on the watch for them. I'll be...54 then. Dang. I've now started the Paperblanks Violet Fairy journal. It sparkles in sunlight.

I've been writing with a Sunburst metallic pen in purple. 

Oliver had a meltdown today. It was pretty bad. He didn't hit anyone or break anything, but he did a lot of screaming. After a long time, we got him to the park, and he recovered for the most part. Josh and I will be slower to recover. I found a homework assignment in Oliver's backpack tonight, and figuring that out put me over the edge, especially when we ran out of glue. But! Today, a whole box of pens arrived from Leah! I have enough pens now to last a few months I think.

Day 3: I've felt pretty fried today. I've been trying to reset. Josh and I had a little time together in the morning. I took a twenty-minute nap. I think I needed more than that. I've mostly done a lot of scribbling today. I've been finishing up an Ooly glitter pen in green. 

I don't feel like doing much of anything--reading or writing or anything else. I think I just need to put another night of sleep between myself and Oliver's meltdown. I also decided to surrender to the library gods and return all my late books. I've made a list so I can check them out again later. I'll shift my focus to the books that are due in April. Fully catching up isn't possible. I hate to admit defeat, but I do feel a little lighter. I returned Neverland today, and tomorrow, I'll ask Josh to help me return the eleven other late books. Bummer. 

But I'm starting Robin McKinley's Shadows. It's YA, so it works for my spring focus. I'm also starting Voracious, a food and literature memoir. These two are due on April 5, so I have some time to finish them. I've also been reading Snow White and Rose Red by Wrede. "SW & RR" is probably my second favorite fairy tale. My top five are probably

1. "The Twelve Dancing Princesses"
2. "Snow White and Rose Red"
3. "The Snow Queen"
4. "Cinderella"
5. "Beauty and the Beast"

And I'm reading a couple of poems from Dorianne Laux's Facts about the Moon each day. Reading poems is one of my daily habits, and I've been doing pretty well with my daily habits so far this month. 

I think I need extra stillness today. I don't have much attention to put to use. Josh is struggling today too. But in a few hours, we should be falling asleep together, and tomorrow will be new.

Day 4: Last night, I still did most of my reading (a little SW&RR, a day of the Bible, and some Laux poems), and I wrote a poem called "Practice." I wasn't very impressed with it, but Josh was!

This morning, I decided to spend some of my not-quite-with-it-enough-to-read-books morning time on a magazine. So I read the current issue of Real Simple. I think I'll start reading magazines in the early morning. Next up, the Bella Grace Cozy issue I've been meaning to read for months. Now that I'm returning my late books, I feel a little more free in my reading. 

I sent six poems to a lit mag. I also had my therapy session over the phone, and my therapist decided we should move from once every two weeks to once every four weeks! She was impressed that I haven't had any depressed days in March.

I found myself with a spontaneous, spreading smile because I thought, I can do this writing thing. I can send all my work out. I can write new poems every week. I can (I can) write a short story every week. It'll all take work, but I can do it and take joy in it. I'm not in danger of not reaching my reading goal (I'm almost halfway there after three months), so I can devote more time to writing. This week, I've written poems, written a story, and sent submissions with Oliver right there with me. It's all possible. Maybe I'll burst into light.

Day 5: Yesterday got hard. Occupational therapy makes Oliver's challenges, particularly issues I don't usually worry about, glaring. We're trying to teach him to buckle his seat belt, and his lack of interest and effort is enormously frustrating. But I rallied later in the day and wrote a poem called "Bound," a poem I've needed to write for a while and was suddenly able to write. 

Today, I got to spend the morning with Josh. We went grocery shopping and then rested. I always want more time with him. Spring break is coming up; Oliver's will be ten days plus two weeks of virtual learning. Then, we'll just have a a few more weeks of school. Josh and I will have no built-in time alone together. Josh usually wants to go to sleep early and to work out before Oliver gets up. It's going to be a long break (3.5 weeks) and a long summer (3.5 months). I'll just have to make peace with it. 

I've read 19 books this month, and I'd like to finish one more. That will probably be Facts about the Moon. I'm in a little bit of a reading slump, not especially interested in anything else I'm reading. But I've been keeping up with my Daily Bible and reading at least a tiny bit of YA lit each day. 

Today is World Bipolar Day, and my mood is fragile. Sunday's meltdown and yesterday's OT have left me pretty worn out. I've been taking a lot of bubble baths whenever I can, sometimes early in the morning. If I'm in a reading slump, my mood is not likely to improve. Tomorrow, I'll spend most of the day alone, and I hope to be productive and take good care of myself. Friday, I'll get another morning with Josh (no meetings this week!). 

Saturday, I get to go see Oklahoma! at DPAC with Bruce! That should be a renewing experience. I've been looking forward to the show. Bruce and I sing showtunes in the car, which is 20% of the fun. 10% of the fun is soft pretzels and M&Ms before the seating area opens. I remind myself how starstruck my younger self would be to know that I have season tickets to the theatre. I added all the dates for next season to my calendar. Our front-row balcony seats renew automatically, and I have a reasonable monthly payment. I never would have thought I could do such a thing without being rich. 

Every day since I finished my dress challenge, I've been wearing jeans. Democracy jeans are the best, and I have a few pair. I thought I might be wearing shorts soon, but the weather has been gloomy and chilly. That probably isn't helping my mood. Still, I've had a lot of joy in the last couple of days, a lot of those spontaneous smiles. That's where I want to focus.

I worked on Twitter a little today (@beckynjames). My tweets are primarily related to books and musicals. I also sent five poems to a lit mag. I currently have 41 pieces out and under consideration. I have 132 pieces listed on duotrope; that's not everything. I want to create master lists of my poems and stories. 

Day 6: I started the day with writing work, editing some pieces and making a writing to-do list. I sent five poems to a magazine. I've submitted 45 pieces this month! 

Last night, I finished Facts about the Moon (which, as it turns out, was actually book #21 for this month--I'd forgotten a book) and began Voracious. Today, I'm starting Nicole Sealey's poetry collection Ordinary Beast. 

I made pasta salad yesterday, and today, I baked garlic and herb chicken. I also made Green Giant's riced broccoli and chickpea pasta (like orzo), and it was very good! I've been scribbling a lot today, and I read a story for the magazine. I'm eager for a bath with a book and then bed. I get tomorrow morning with Josh, so I'm happy about that.

I attended a free seminar this afternoon on publishing work in literary magazines. I didn't learn anything major, but I did get some perspective. The teacher, who is widely published, has about a 7.5% acceptance rate. Mine from the last two years is similar, so that was encouraging. She said that when she's submitting diligently, she gets about 150 rejections and about 20 acceptances per year. That's also encouraging. And she only waits a couple of months to resubmit after a rejection, so I guess I don't need to wait a year for most magazines.

Day 7: I finished Ordinary Beast in the bathtub last night, bringing my March total to 22 books. I read nine books of poetry in March, and I hope to read just as many in April. It's National Poetry Month after all. I started reading Claudia Emerson's Late Wife, a poetry collection that won the Pulitzer Prize. I also went to the library (oh yes) and checked out five books of poetry along with two books of short stories that I requested. Two of the other books I requested are already checked out! Apparently, I wasn't the only one who wanted them. 

I did five more purchase requests today, all poetry by Cathy Smith Bowers and Alan Michael Parker. Both were on my thesis committee, and both live in NC, so I hope the library will want to get their books. The poetry section could use some plumping. The library has ordered everything I've requested so far!

I'm writing with a pen from Leah: a Sparkle Pop black with red glitter. 

I also wrote a poem last night, "Friday Morning." I sent six poems to a magazine that published two of my poems many years ago. The submission took forever; a lot of the poems were in an old format, and I had to update them. This kind of work is a little cumbersome on my tiny Chromebook, but we don't have a regular laptop at home. Josh uses one from the college.

I've gotten into Voracious; it's really perfect for me. I need to finish it and Shadows in the next four days. I love reading recipes even though I probably could never follow most of them.

I did finish out the month with no depressed days, and I finished month three of NoBuy2022. Depending on our circumstances next year, I think I'll either do another NoBuy or, more likely, do a LowBuy with the following allowances:

• Two books per month (if I can't get them through the library)
• Classes, particularly writing
• Extra theatre tickets (beyond my DPAC season tickets...hopefully some local productions)
• Pens (as long as I have only one or two pens left in that color and style OR I see an outstanding sale--30% off or better)
• Two journals per month
• Two writing magazine subscriptions (if I'm doing better about reading my magazines and submitting my work)

So we'll see.

I did spend the morning with Josh, and I read to him from Reasons to Stay Alive. I ordered a few books for him, which I plan to read to him if he's still in his long reading slump. One is a memoir on running and writing, and the other two are poetry collections about teaching. I love sharing books with him. 

A Page from My Journal: March 14, 2022.

 

I'm planning to get in another hour of reading before I get ready...maybe poems and Revelator. Maybe Writing Radar too. Maybe I'll really get into Revelator soon. I just have to give it more of a chance. I'll return 3 books to the library. Only one of them is late. But I'm making progress. I need to rearrange my library book bin. Everything might fit in it now. I'll end up with 35 books today. Whittling it down, book by book.

I'll never forget a couple of calls. Queens, Margie. Both amazing. I can still hardly believe I got into Queens. I wasn't very good. I don't know what I sent. Arguably, I'm still not very good, but Queens made me much better. I like the ideas of a full-time residency MFA. Maybe for fiction. I could really use help learning how to write fiction. I guess the best way is for me to read more of what I want to write...and take classes when I can. I do need to read more memoirs to prepare for working on my own. The amount of reading I need to do is overwhelming (and exciting) and so far beyond a mere 100 books a year. But I'm about 1/3 of the way to my goal for the year, which makes me confident that I'll reach it and that I may even exceed it. I need to get my work out too. I'm reporting some submissions as never responded, ones that are over a year old. I'm going through those as I update duotrope.

I drained the Gold Shadow pink pen. This is a metallic pink Uni-ball Signo. It doesn't want to write very well. Frustrating. It has a lot of ink left.

I'm really hoping we can get a new dresser this summer, one that's going to last for decades. A little girl would be excited to have our current dresser. We'll see what kind of work Josh has this summer.

Stillness & Attention: Week 12.

Day 1: Saturday. Yesterday, Josh bought me Robin McKinley's Outlaws of Sherwood from a book sale the college library was having. This morning, I finished reading The Girl Who Drank the Moon to the boys! It was so good. That's my fourth book for the week, 13th book for the month, 37th book of the year. And 875 books total. How have I not read 1,000 books yet? What have I been doing all this time? Well, much of the time, I have been reading. But at this point in my life, I can read a lot more. I should have little trouble getting to 1,000 books by my 40th birthday. This book is also the 15th long book I've read to Oliver.

My favorite author, Francesca Lia Block, has started a new class on LitReactor: The New Myth. I was very tempted to take it, but I told myself I wouldn't spend money on classes this year. Hopefully, she'll offer it again. I need to get better acquainted with Greek mythology in preparation. 

I finished Wounds! That book is not for the sensitive of spirit, mind, or stomach. Nope. 

Day 2: I started reading Writing Radar last night. It's pretty fun. I'll try to finish it today. I have more books that are about to be late. Hrrmm. I've suspended all my holds until I can catch up. I won't be going to the library today because Oliver has the day off school. But I'll try to return at least a few books on Tuesday.

I'm itching to spend money today. Our Facebook fast has ended, and I immediately saw an ad for gorgeous linen journals. And look at these darling star pajamas! And what about these star pajamas? But I'm not spending. I am stronger than my cravings. To underscore that, I've started reading Soulful Simplicity by Courtney Carver. 

I finished Writing Radar. Then, Oliver had a meltdown, not understanding that we couldn't find the video he wanted. It was so loud and awful. After medication calmed him down some 45 minutes later, we went to the backyard. I saw so many wild violets in the yard. I wrote a poem called "The Poem I Remember," about the afters. Every pain can be a poem. It's not worth it. But it's something to do.

Today marks the end of winter. I've only read five or six children's books this season, which isn't great. But I did read important books (George) and books I've meant to read for a long time (Peter Pan and Wendy, The Girl Who Drank the Moon). Spring is beginning, and I'll shift my focus to YA literature. Honestly, though, I probably won't get to much YA for a while. More books are due! But once I catch up, I'll explore the YA section at the library and see what I find.

Day 3: Oliver doesn't have school today. Josh will be busy most of the day with work and a Moderna trial appointment. I'm hoping I won't see a reprise of what happened yesterday. The meltdowns are harder when I'm alone. But Oliver seems relaxed today, relaxing on his crash pad and on the huge fairy and mermaid pillow I brought downstairs.

Last night and this morning, I read some of Madeleine L'Engle's Many Waters to the boys. I haven't liked any of the Time books as much as Wrinkle, but finishing the series is one of my 40 before 40 goals. Two books left!

I've read Claire Keegan's novella Small Things Like These today. It's subtle, short, and frightening. I've written two poems today, "March" and "Concrete Stroll," and I applied for a writing fellowship. That's my writing work for the day! I'm writing with a Stardust Gelly Roll Red Star pen. I'm down to the last couple of pens my friends have sent me!

Day 4: Two new poems: "Contrary" and "Pilgrimage." I read a lot of Together in a Sudden Strangeness last night. Josh showed some interest in reading it, and I want him to be able to read it at his own pace, so I ordered him a copy. It also just seems like a book we should have at home.

I finished the book today. 

Day 5: I spent a chunk of the day at the dentist, trying to keep my mouth wide open and breathe through my nose while I felt like I was drowning. Now, my jaw aches. I'm about to take ibuprofen p.m. I ordered a new toothbrush because mine died. I forgot to ask for the prescription toothpaste I'm supposed to use, so I'll have to go back.

A spark: Moon Cheese. Crunchy cheese in a pouch at the Food Lion registers. 

Another spark: Josh said he had a certain amount of clinical trial money, which we can't really use for anything practical. "This money exists outside space and time," he said. "Is there anything you want?" There was. A necklace, within $3 of that liminal amount with tax and shipping. It will arrive on the 30th.

I've read from five books today. I started reading Reasons to Stay Alive aloud to Josh. I also read aloud two chapters of Many Waters to the boys. I read more of Soulful Simplicity. I started The Beauts, a chapbook (for the daily goal read poems) and Snow White and Rose Red (for the daily goals read in focus [YA] and read a fairy tale). 

Because my dress challenge ended on Monday, I've worn jeans for two days. Jeans and pink. It feels great. For the next four days, I don't have to go anywhere, drive anywhere, or even put on real clothes. I can be exactly what I am, whatever that may be.

Day 6: I finished Soulful Simplicity and wrote down a lot of little quotations. One of my favorite terms Carver used was joyful discipline. Hmm. I may have to revisit that. 

I've continued to read Many Waters to the boys. It's going to be a strange one. I'd like to finish it this month, so we'll see how much of it I can manage this weekend. I also read a little of Reasons to Stay Alive to Josh, which I plan to do whenever we have some time together. And I continued with The Beauts and Snow White and Rose Red. 

Terri McCord, who wrote The Beauts and went to the MFA program I attended, has won several awards, a fellowship, and nominations for a Pushcart and Best of the Net! Life goals. I hoped I'd write a poem today, but I didn't. I haven't been doing enough writing work. I've been editing my story "Ruby" to send to an online journal. It's so old that I put two spaces between sentences! "Ruby" made it to the final round with another magazine, so I feel confident that it's good. I've only published a couple of stories, and I haven't written very many. I'm hoping that during my Short Story Summer, I'll get back into writing short fiction. As a grad student, I forced myself to write a short story every Wednesday. It was a total chore, and I had no idea what I was doing. But I forced myself to sit with my computer and start. Stillness and attention! Poems sometimes just come, but showing up and being brave is always necessary. I need to show up more.

I began reading Neverland by Piers Dudgeon. It's about the connection between Daphne du Maurier and J. M. Barrie--I didn't know there was a connection. I thought the book would be dry, but it's quite absorbing. I think it's also going to be disturbing, but after having read Rebecca and two books of du Maurier's short stories (and after finally having read Peter Pan and Wendy), I'm eager to learn more. Du Maurier's stories are among my favorites, there with Shirley Jackson, Kelly Link, Angela Carter, and Karen Russell.

Day 7: I sent five poems to a literary magazine and reformatted some other pieces for later submission. I'm trying to do some writing work each day, including at least three more submissions this month. I found a story I had completely forgotten.

Josh and I had a little time together this morning, and I read more of Reasons to Stay Alive to him. So far, some of it seems closer to my experience than Josh's because Haig dealt with a lot of anxiety. 

I finished the poetry chapbook The Beauts. That brings me to 880 total books. Next, I'm going to read Dorianne Laux's Facts about the Moon. 

I drained all the pens I've received from supportive friends! All await recycling through the Bic stationery program. Leah, one of my core friends from childhood, asked me for another pen wish list. I'm astonished at how my friends have encouraged me in my writing. Some of my favorite pens are on amazing sale, 30-40% off, and if this weren't a NoBuy year (and we had money), I'd buy several of each set. But I will use what I have and trust that I will have enough of everything I need.