Stillness & Attention: Week 29.

Day 1: Saturday. I finally finished The Strange Case of the Alchemist's Daughter. Bizarre and good. Long! The second book, which I've checked out, is much longer. So I've now read two books this week. I've (barely) started Plenty (a memoir that is already late) and Smoke: Poems by Dorianne Laux. As usual, I'm quite behind on library books. I'm writing with Diamine Mystique today. 

We got groceries this morning. I bought green apples and caramel sauce to try to sneak some more nutrition into Oliver's diet. He's not going for it. Josh and I like them though. We bought a few more hoarding items: sticks of butter for the freezer, syrup (the pancake mix came), 2.5 gallons of water, shell pasta and Velveeta sauce, and a lot more Gatorade Zero. Amazon doesn't have the Gatorade mix right now, and I don't know how we'd get Oliver to drink anything else.

The thunder is loud. We sat in the study for a while and watched the rain. I read a tale from Kaleidoscope and started a second before Oliver wanted to watch a video. He hasn't had an accident so far today. He also didn't wet his bed or ours. I ended up sleeping in Oliver's bed with Josh from 4:30 to 6:30 this morning--musical beds. I came downstairs and settled on my loveseat. Josh soon came down, sat with me a while, and then worked out. I read a couple of articles from Bella Grace. I want to spend some time reading beautiful magazines in the study each morning. That seems like a great way to start the day. 

I did yoga and read a dragon story for the magazine. The stories are really flowing in steadily. I wrote down my gratitude list for today and turned it into a poem. 

Day 2: Sunday. Today, Josh said, "When you're in a good mood, I can handle things. When you're not, I'm pretty much destroyed." 

I slept fitfully but managed until 6. I went down to my loveseat and did nothing. Josh came down at 7 to sit with me. Oliver came down at 8. Josh went to run, so I took care of Oliver's morning routine. I read a couple of articles from Oh Reader. I look forward to subscribing to the magazine next year. I'm writing today with Diamine Lilac Satin ink.

My Pipsticks stickers came! They're mostly travel-themed. I probably won't do much more traveling in my life, but I do have memories of some wonderful trips. We are going on a little weekend trip to Asheville next month for Josh's half-marathon! I'm really looking forward to that since we're not getting a weekend off this month. 

I made a big batch of vegetable fried rice with brown rice, riced cauliflower, carrots, broccoli, sugar snap peas, sweet peas, fire-roasted corn, baby corn, and red peppers. I ate, and I cleaned up the kitchen. 

Well, we ended up at the splash pad for four hours. We all got burned despite sunscreen. The latter two hours were pretty miserable. We only got Oliver to hydrate a little because the ice cream truck came and we got him a Popsicle. I did read a good forty pages of Joyful to Josh. He says most of it, like the aesthetics of energy and abundance, don't apply to him. Hmm. 

I've continued reading for the magazine, and the stories have continued to roll in. I seem to be the only second reader rating them right now; where is everyone? We changed our sheets, so that will be nice tonight. And my fuzzy pink (alas, more mauve than they appeared) pillows with silver stars and snowflakes arrived as did my turquoise and gold marbled tray.

Day 3: Monday. July 18. More than halfway through the month. I'm sitting in the sunshine of the study, curled up on my pink velvet loveseat with one foot on my teal velvet ottoman. I just finished reading a few articles from Oh Reader and Bella Grace. Some of the TBR books are on my list. I'd like to finish at least a couple of good magazines this month. 

This morning, I woke around 6. Josh was down here working out. I ended up sleeping for another forty-five minutes. I'm nervous about Oliver's blood work today. He didn't have any accidents over the weekend despite the four hours at the splash pad. 

I've only read one collection of short stories this month...definitely not up to my goal. I'll have to be more focused in August and September. It will get easier because more of my library books will be collections. Right now, I'm just so behind. I'll return as many books as I can on Friday. I gave up on Plenty and 13 Stories last week--I'll get back to them. 

I see big trees with puffs of white blossoms. I wonder what they are. The gray ottoman came and is now under the coats. Our new body pillow arrived, and it is so nice. I moved the old one to Oliver's crash pad. 

This is the last full week of the program Josh is coordinating. Next week, he'll mostly be wrapping up, making reports, giving presentations, and planning a celebration. He thinks he'll do this again next summer. I have mixed feelings, but it hasn't been as hard as I thought it might be. Next summer, we can pay down some more debt, build up savings, and buy a new dresser. If the summer job continues, we can eventually buy a second car...though Josh does like having only one car. 

I'm thinking about bringing some of my snowflake ornaments back out. I've loved snowflakes since I was twelve, all year. People have given me snowflake ornaments, pajamas, blankets, and other objects as gifts. I used to hang snowflakes all over my house. 

Oliver slept until 9:30--how kind! While he was in the bath, I took almost everything out of my makeup bag. I put in some favorite lipsticks and glosses. I want to create a grab-in-case-of-fire bag of my favorite makeup. I found a Hard Candy palette I'd completely forgotten. I want to have all my basics in there too, including back-up foundation, eye shadow primer, and mascara. 

Well, I got through quite a project today. I cleaned out and reorganized all my makeup. I got all my favorite and essential makeup (with extras) into my makeup bag, and I can actually see what's in the bag. I threw away old makeup and makeup that I've sampled but probably won't ever use. I organized all my palettes vertically so I can see them. I cleaned out and organized my backstock bin--everything in labeled Ziplocs. I put together a box of unused makeup that I wasn't going to use and posted it on the local BuyNothing group--someone picked it up within thirty minutes. Now, someone gets to enjoy that great makeup! Next stop: skincare. I used to have makeup subscriptions, so I have a lot of products I didn't choose. 

I read two more stories for the magazine. 

I gave Oliver two clonidine over an hour before his appointment for blood work. He was sleepy but definitely not sedated enough. We restrained him and managed a finger stick. Glucose and hemoglobin are normal. Back at home, he took a bath and a nap. I lay down with him for a while and then finished my makeup project. 

I'm writing with Van Dieman's Night Shooting Star ink today. It's dark blue with red sheen and gold shimmer.

Day 4: Tuesday. Today was a nightmare. Oliver had a massive meltdown. The day started poorly. I didn't get any time to myself in the morning because Oliver had a nightmare while Josh was out running. I had just come downstairs when I heard Oliver screaming, "Daddy!" I ran upstairs and tried to comfort Oliver, but he was inconsolable. He kept asking for Josh, apparently having lost him in a dream and being unable to shake the nightmare. I called Josh, thinking his voice might help. But Josh ended up coming home. After seeing Josh, Oliver calmed down and took a bath. Josh managed to finish his run. We took Josh to work as Oliver had OT in the afternoon. Oliver insisted on a second bath. He woke Josh up at 2 a.m. Our lives are kind of ridiculous. 

I didn't do yoga. I didn't read--at all, not even for the magazine. I didn't write five pages or read aloud or read poems. Just before I needed to get ready for OT, Oliver wanted to watch a fuel tanker song video--which doesn't exist. A meltdown of one to two hours followed. He broke the router, threw down a small shelf of magazines, trashed a lamp, broke the porcelain violets bowl my dad gave my mom while they were dating, pulled down five pieces of art, broke two frames, broke one sheet of glass, dumped all my makeup brushes, poured milk on the floor, threw a half-full diet soda can across the kitchen, spilled another liquid I didn't even identify, threw items off a bookshelf, and destroyed my pretty little favorite books cabinet. I barely managed to clean up the glass and the milk. He was so quick. He screamed most of the time. Our Internet, of course, went out, so I couldn't play any of the videos he demanded on his tablet. He yanked on my clothes and hands but didn't actually hurt me. I gave him two clonidine, but it's too slow-acting to be helpful. 

Of course, I had had to ask Josh to call Oliver's therapist and cancel our appointment. Josh said we could pick him up for an hour, but Oliver didn't warm to this idea for some time. When he started to come out of his rage, he looked around the ransacked guest room and said, "What did you do?"

I said, "You broke a lot of things."

We picked up Josh, who fixed the router and tried to clean up. I sat on the couch, staring at nothing. Oliver had a good snack. We declined giving him ice cream. I felt completely disconnected from myself and my life. Nothing seemed to matter. I was dissociated. Numb. Josh went back to work. I don't know what I did. Eventually, I got Oliver ready for bed.

I did do one good thing before the day got so bad. I rearranged my nonfiction bookcase, which I see from my loveseat, in rainbow order. It looks much prettier.

Day 5: Wednesday. Last night, I took a shower and then immediately took a bath, but the hot water hurt my sunburned arms. Josh came to our room after Oliver was asleep, and Josh gave me back tickles. I tried to focus on his touch. I couldn't read for myself or for the magazine. I felt totally disconnected from myself. But tickles, Xanax, and melatonin helped me go to sleep.

I woke up at 4 a.m. to Oliver spreading out on our bed. Josh wasn't in bed, so I went to look for him. He was asleep in Oliver's bed. LOL. So I crawled into Oliver's bed with Josh and slept for another two hours. When I woke up, Josh was downstairs working out. I thought I might get some quiet time to talk to Josh or read a magazine before Oliver woke up, but he got up immediately after I did. So I gave him his morning relaxation bath and got him ready for the day. 

I tried to spend time in my study, but Oliver kept asking for another bath. The thought of sitting in the freezing bathroom for another forty-five minutes was almost unbearable, but he did take a second bath before 9:30 a.m. I went back to my loveseat after the bath and the redressing process. Oliver stood still, staring at me, for thirty minutes while I tried to write. So I asked him to sit down, covered him with a blanket, and read aloud Dorianne Laux poems from Smoke until my mother called to check on me. As I'd told Bruce, I told her that yes, I must be feeling better because I felt unhappy rather than dissociated. 

The day passed fairly quickly. I cleaned out my bin of skincare products and posted on the local BuyNothing group a photo of a box of moisturizers, masks, and serums that I'm just not going to use. Someone picked it up within fifteen minutes. I wrote some more and tried to catch up on blogging from last week. Josh came home briefly for lunch, and I sat with his legs across my lap on the couch. We both felt like napping. Oliver continued to ask for a bath, but somehow, when Josh says no, he stops. When I say no, he asks over and over again until I'm about to lose my mind. I say exactly what Josh says, but it doesn't work. 

When Josh got home, I gave Oliver his actual bath (with bathing) and got him ready for bed. We realized that we'd forgotten to give him his night meds, so the night extended. Someone knocked on the door, and Josh answered to find a delivery guy with an Edible Arrangement addressed to us. It was from "a friend," and the note wished us a better day. I appreciated the acknowledgement and kindness. I also appreciated the chocolate-covered strawberries while Josh ate a pineapple flower. I hope we might convince Oliver to eat some cantaloupe or honeydew, but that's unlikely. It's good timing because I decided today that I'm going to try to eat more fruit even though I'm watching calories. 

Day 6: Thursday. Starting with Sunday's sunbake, this hasn't been an easy week. But Oliver slept in a bit today, so I got some quiet morning time. He also did a little better with getting dressed; maybe he's starting to get that. I haven't finished any books this calendar week. 

Day 7: Friday. Last night, I read from about 7 to 9 and finally caught up on reading for the magazine. This morning, I slept a little on my loveseat and then did nothing for a while (dolce far niente). I read two articles from Bella Grace and two articles from Oh Reader. I'm working on a donation box of craft and stationery supplies. 

I found a small pink bookcase on sale for $36 and ordered it to replace the book cabinet Oliver wrecked. It'll be cheap, but I won't be too upset if Oliver breaks it. And it's pink. I found a revolving bookcase that I'd really like to get next year. 

I made a stack of priority library books: books that are or will soon be late and books that someone is likely to put on hold. Then, I finished reading Smoke (poems) and read the graphic novel The Call of Cthulhu. So I've finished two books today! I started Unless It Moves the Human Heart, a book on writing and teaching. And I wrote "Lightning Bug," my first real love poem to Oliver. I'm happy with it. Josh said it captures what it's like to be Oliver's parent. 

I went to the library, returned some books, and picked up holds. I need to read about five books a week as that's how many I'm checking out! I listened to The Graveyard Book in the car. Bruce and I spent a couple of hours at Barnes, which is in the middle of major renovation. Records are in the cafe. Sections are broken up and moved. Books are double-stacked in rented crates. I feel bad for the booksellers trying to find anything. But exploring the changed bookstore was fun. We spent a lot of time in poetry and lit crit. I took photos of a lot of books I want to check for at the library.

Stillness & Attention: Week 28.

Day 1: Saturday. Yesterday, I took a two-hour nap in my chair. I probably needed it. I finished West Wind by Mary Oliver and Wild Swims, short stories by Dorthe Nors. I did go to the library and pick up holds. Bruce came over, and we talked for almost three hours. 

Today, I got to sleep until 7, which was pretty exciting. I started and finished A Thousand Mornings: Poems by Mary Oliver. I've read three stories for the magazine today, and I still have one waiting. They've been coming in steadily. 

We got groceries today. I got some stock-up items to make my mom feel better (she thinks we need to hoard food): pasta, pasta sauce, rice, and beans. I don't know what Oliver would eat if we didn't have his staples.

Oliver had a bit of a meltdown today. He said he wanted to "watch a picture of a helicopter." We couldn't figure out what he meant. We tried videos of helicopters and even videos of people drawing helicopters. He roared and pitched his tablet but got over it and went outside after a little while. 

I haven't sent out a submission in over thirty days. I still have 114 pieces out. When Oliver returns to school, will I be more focused? Am I really just surviving the summer? 

My mood went downhill when one of my crowns came out. That's the second in the last couple of months. I really wanted to be done with the dentist for a while, and I don't know when I'll get a chance to go get this crown fixed. Josh asked me for a cuddle on Oliver's crash pad.

Day 2: Sunday. I've now read six books this month, which is pretty good. I started Some Things I Still Can't Tell You: Poems by Misha Collins yesterday. It's not really my kind of poetry, but I'm trying to read all kinds. 

I got up just before 7 and expected Josh to have left for his run. He hadn't, though, so he suggested we cuddle in the guest bed while Oliver sleeps on in our bed (where he ended up at some point in the night). Josh and I took a lovely hour-long nap. Last night, I tried taking melatonin with Xanax instead of ibuprofen p.m., and it seems to have worked well. I'm thankful that Oliver slept in this morning. I don't know what to do about Oliver's sleeping in our bed and needing Josh to put him to bed every night. At least one of us ends up sleeping elsewhere. It's going to get weirder and more impractical as Oliver gets older, but he has no consciousness of that.

I did a little Pinterest exploring and showed Josh a couple of my boards. I should look at them more myself. 

I need to go back to timed reading sessions to get through some of these library books. I have to structure myself to achieve that stillness and attention. I look forward to choosing my nonfiction books for fall; most of them will come from my own collection. I've still only finished one book of short stories this summer, so I have a lot of work to do. 

At the moment, I don't feel hurt, bitterness, anxiety, anger, or fear. I feel calm gratitude. I've started The Strange Case of the Alchemist's Daughter, and I'm enjoying it so far. It's a speculative mystery that combines a lot of literary characters (or their daughters), including Dr. Jekyll, Frankenstein, Dr. Moreau, and Sherlock Holmes. 

I've got a touch of the Sunday night blues. Oliver had another accident today. These two three-day weekends have felt too short. 

Day 3: Monday. I have a lot of blank journals in the wardrobe in the guest room. I'm thinking about reorganizing them by brand and type (meaning whether or not I can write in them with fountain pens). That would be fun. The wardrobe also holds my jewelry (all costume), books from which I need to write down quotations, my sticker binders, sweaters, and magazines. 

I've picked out some throw pillow covers for my new loveseat. I also got an ottoman and tray. I'm still well under our furniture budget for this year, and I was able to do interest-free payments. The loveseat will arrive next week. I want the study to be my morning room where I read magazines and ease into the day. If that bothers Oliver, I'll just start when he goes to school. The gray fabric slipper chair I ordered for the bathroom arrived yesterday. I don't know when Josh will be able to build it, but I look forward to having a place to sit during Oliver's long baths. 

The Strange Case of the Alchemist's Daughter is pretty funky, but I'm enjoying it. It's showing me that I can still do focused reading and get a mood boost from it. I'm dragging on 13 Stories and 13 Epitaphs. The first story has no quotation marks and no paragraph breaks. It's already late, so I may just return it and devote more time to it later. Eventually, the majority of my library books will be story collections, so I'll be more focused. I have so many other books to read. I did finish a journal today. I started a Peter Pauper Press journal that has the design for a French edition of the Song of Songs. 

Mom said she may keep Oliver this weekend, and I'm trying not to get excited about the thought. It'd be great timing since Josh's summer grades are due at the beginning of next week. 

My mouth hurts. I managed to get a dentist appointment this afternoon, and Josh is going to take a late lunch hour so I can go. I've got to wear pretty shoes--staff comes to see my shoes at the dentist; it's a thing. I'm thinking sea-green glitter shoes. 

Day 4: Tuesday. I got the crown put back in, but my jaw is off-balance now, which makes eating difficult. 

Bruce is listening to The Graveyard Book by Neil Gaiman, which apparently has a full cast. I think one of my goals is to read half or more of his books, so I placed a hold on the audio book too. My discman arrived, so I can listen to The Testaments at home and The Graveyard Book in the car (it's only some 7 CDs; Testaments is 14+). I've decided to keep one or two audio books going at all times. I prefer reading directly, but I want to get to as many books as I can, and this is a way to read when I normally can't (while driving, folding laundry, etc.). I need a belt pack for the discman to make it really practical, so I'll get one with Amazon points next month. 

Josh built the gray slipper chair for the bathroom. It's pretty big, big enough for me to pull up my legs, but I measured it before I ordered it to make sure it could fit in the bathroom without blocking any doors. I sat in it today. Having it should improve the quality of my days, and I'm looking for anything that can do that. I moved a pink, gray, and gold Sparkle pillow from the guest room to the couch, where I can enjoy it more. I want to get maximum enjoyment out of wonderful objects. A new pillow cover arrived: a fairy with green hair, green eyes, and green eyeliner, very pretty. I'll put the pillow on the chair in the bathroom since the bathroom has a green theme. 

Day 5: Wednesday. The magazine stories keep rolling in, and I'm behind. I read one in bed last night, but I got too tired after that. I'm having to devote a lot of reading time and energy to this right now. It's what I signed up for as a second reader, but I'm not used to its being this steady. I've gotten through two stories today. 

I've been enjoying my fountain pens and inks. Today, I'm writing with the lovely Diamine Inkvent Blue Peppermint ink. It's a bright turquoise with silver shimmer and a little blue sheen. I'd love to have the whole Inkvent collection; I only have three bottles out of...many. I'd love to get the Inkvent calendar this Christmas...an early Christmas gift? Sailor Manyo Koke has come out with dual-shading inks which write in varying shades and are apparently safe for all pens. I'd love to try them. I'm running low on room for ink...I need to figure out a new way to store them. I keep some in an open purple glitter box on top of my desk, but I worry Oliver may knock them down. 

Another Christmas present I'm considering is this Ruby Red Stella doll. She's so cute and sassy with her rock star shirt, her star sweater, and her glittery boots. 

I feel bad that Oliver hasn't gone out much. He didn't go to the park or out for a McDonald's "cashbrown" date last weekend. He slept too late or asked too late. I hope we can do better for him this weekend, and I hope it won't be so terribly hot and rainy. 

I'm not doing so well with my goals or habits for July. I haven't done enough yoga or caught up on my letters. I did enjoy listening to The Testaments in the car yesterday while driving to and from OT. I left the CDs in the car because I thought I might be driving a lot tomorrow, but Mom texted me to say that she's sick. So we won't get a weekend this month. Our next romantic weekend will be at the end of August when Josh has his half marathon in Asheville. 

I did read two stories from Kaleidoscope to the boys last night. It will count as a short story collection when I finish it. 

Once Oliver finishes school (if not before then), I'll probably need to go back to work full-time to help cover his programs and care. We also need to save for his future. Once we're out of debt, we can focus more on saving. In any case, worrying about it now won't help anything. 

House of Hearts, Francesca Lia Block's new novel, just arrived! I can't wait to read it. She's my favorite writer, and I got to take two classes with her last year! 

Josh has a partial class schedule for fall. He'll have a long Tuesday night class, which will be a bummer for me. But he may get to be home for most of the day until then. It looks like he may be able to drop Oliver off at school each day and take him (alone or with me) to OT. Those would be awesome. But his schedule may change a lot over the next month. Still, even during those three weeks Oliver isn't in school yet, Josh will be home with us more. 

It's raining. I hear a little thunder, and I'm watching bubbles flow under the gate. I got almost eleven hours of sleep last night. Wow! My mood isn't great, though, which may relate to the weather. I got a few items on Prime Day: a firm body pillow and teal velvet case and a large canister of pancake mix. The pillow will replace our limp, floppy one we keep near our headboard. I added it to the furniture/household budget I set for the year. The pancake mix is for our extra food stash. 

Day 6: Thursday. Today, I'm writing with Diamine shimmer Peacock Flare ink in my TWSBI stub nib fountain pen. 

Wonderful surprise: my loveseat arrived! It wasn't supposed to come until next week! I popped up the teal ottoman. I'm thinking about getting another ottoman in gray to go under the coat rack in the foyer--a place to put on shoes. I've thought about what else I can do to make the study beautiful. Cleaning up the desks could help. Maybe we could put some flowers on my desk once I've cleared some space. Josh says he'll build my loveseat when he gets home, but I don't want to wait! 

My reading achievements have been subpar lately. I haven't finished a single book this week. 

But! I did manage to assemble my loveseat all by myself! My pink and white Merry Everything pillow cover with gold thread arrived, so I added it to my You Are Magical and She Leaves a Little Sparkle Wherever She Goes pillows. 

I also moved some stationery and notebooks to the storage ottoman, set aside some items to donate, and cleared out a whole desk drawer for my inks! I organized them by type (shimmer and sheen, scented, and standard) and brand. Now, they're safe from Oliver's rages (some used to live on top of the desk), and I have room for more! I will be getting some inks as gifts later in the year...

I was in an awesome mood for much of the day. Then, Oliver had a massive accident in the bathroom, and I found that his bed was wet as well. He was hollering and jumping hard, and I felt hot and spent. I tried to listen to The Testaments while I put away laundry, but I missed parts because Oliver was vocalizing so loudly. 

Day 7: Friday. I didn't write at all today. It was a hard day. I took Oliver to the bathroom every hour, but he still had an accident. I started taking him to the bathroom every thirty minutes. I called his doctor, and we got to go in at 3. Josh managed to get a urine sample, which showed no indication of infection or diabetes. We need to do blood work to rule out diabetes insipidus, so we'll sedate him on Monday and take him back. The doctor suspects constipation is causing decreased bladder control, so we're going to start using Miralax.

I did finish Some Things I Still Can't Tell You: Poems. The acknowledgements page was heartbreaking--he still loves his estranged wife. I was surprised to see that he had a poem in Pearl; my "Love Spell" was in Pearl many years ago.  

I got a piece of wonderful news: my poem "Cadillac" will appear in Kakalak 2022! Kakalak is an annual anthology of Carolina poets. I'm thrilled. I wrote the poem as a graduate student, and it's very North Carolina. 

"The Bliss of a Certainty."

 "...and something that felt
like the bliss of a certainty and a life lived
in accordance with that certainty."

~Mary Oliver, "Varanasi"

I read this recently in A Thousand Mornings. It made me think about what certainties I have and whether or not I live "in accordance" in those certainties. 

• The world is full of more beauty and love than destruction and cruelty. Believing this allows me to live my daily life without despair.
• Mental illness is real. It's treatable but not curable. I can't cure it though force of will, goodness, or faith.
• The first steps to dealing with mental illness or any neurodivergent issue are knowledge (diagnosis and research) and acknowledgement. Acknowledgement may or may not be public, but everyone needs confidantes. I chose to seek evaluation, learn as much as possible about my diagnoses, and be open about my experience.
• Medication is a powerful and justifiable treatment for mental illness, from depression and anxiety to schizophrenia. Medication almost always helps, but it requires persistence (to weather side effects and wait for benefits to build) and flexibility (as the consumer will likely have to try multiple medications or cocktails). 
• Autism is real, and while we love those who have it, it is not a gift. Moderate and severe autism are major struggles for the consumer and the support system. Even mild autism is difficult in a world set up for allistic people. 
• PTSD is real and debilitating. I've had it. I've made a major recovery. A lot of people have PTSD without realizing or treating it. 
• My family is neurodivergent. We have autism, intellectual impairment, narcolepsy, major depression, bipolar disorder, and panic disorder. We all bear each other's differences and difficulties. 
• It is our (everyone's) responsibility to make the world safe and as comfortable as possible for neurodivergent people.
• Suicide is never the right answer. This one is a struggle, but my rational mind and my loving mind believe it. 
• Suicide, suicide attempts, and suicidal intentions deeply damage the mind, body, and loved ones. 
• I did not attempt suicide. I have had suicidal ideation and suicidal intentions. The consequences remain.
• Behavioral and mental health hospitals or wards do not, in themselves, cure or treat mental illness. They are places in which one can start to recover from trauma and can maintain safety during crises. They can also provide a rest.
• It's always okay to seek treatment for mental illness. It is, in fact, responsible, honest, and loving to do so. 
• Mental health professionals in general do want to help and will try to help. 
• Therapy can be a great treatment for a mental illness and a great tool even for people who don't have mental illness. The therapist, however, needs to be a good fit for the consumer.  
• God is real, and He hears me. That's all I know for sure right now. 
• Jesus was an extension of God, and He was here.
• One's doing something that does not mesh with religion does not mean one cannot practice that religion or access spirituality. 
• I have people who truly love me. They're not necessarily whom one would expect.
• Knowing another person, or even oneself, completely is not possible. Communication, intimacy, and introspection are, nonetheless, valuable and essential. 
• Marriage is the choice to believe that what we know is greater than what we don't know.
• College, marriage, and parenthood aren't for everyone. We need to stop acting as if they are.
• Disability is real, and people with disabilities deserve support on all possible levels. I know that getting such support is extremely difficult, and I feel good about my having sought support.
• Reading is a vital activity for the mind. Not everyone is a reader. Music, movies, theatre, and series can all be beneficial. 
• Everyone should have some access to live theatre. I have season tickets (a shocking luxury I never thought I'd have...but also a surprisingly affordable necessity), share theatre with people I love, and donate tickets I can't use to people who will then get to have their first live theatre experience.
• Libraries are essential and have powerful potential. I use my library as much as I can. People are not aware enough of this.
• Not everyone needs to play sports. Let kids in gym walk, run, lift weights, or practice yoga if they don't feel comfortable playing basketball. 
• People should never seek to humiliate others for any reason. That should not be a goal of professionalism or discipline.
• My son does not understand consequence; therefore, I have very limited options for discipline. 
• I am doing the best I can with my son...maybe not at every moment but certainty in every day. 
• I love my husband. If I had made more rational choices when I was growing up, I believe we would have met and fallen in love anyway. I just took an awful detour.
• While divorce is a terrible thing, it is sometimes necessary (and even beneficial to those involved).
• Second marriages in general are real, viable, valuable, and worthy of respect. 
• Marriage is difficult, and more support (such as couples' therapy) should be accessible. 
• Sex and cohabitation before marriage are technically wrong. However, according to my own experience, they can be a very good idea, and I don't judge people for them. I know these beliefs conflict. I do wish I had done all this before my first marriage. I (hopefully) wouldn't have gotten married. My second marriage, while technically strewn with iniquity, was much more rational.
• At the same time, we really can't predict how a person will change. I married a Christian Republican soldier. I'm now married to a liberal atheist pacifist vegetarian with narcolepsy. The funny thing is that, even now, I love them both.
• Infidelity is wrong, and I don't excuse myself for it. Love and neglect are not excuses.
• Some things can be reasons without being excuses. They don't lead to justification, but they may lead to understanding or even empathy.
• Parents should act with love toward their children no matter what. Children should never doubt that they are loved and accepted. That doesn't mean you don't call the police on a child who commits murder. 
• Children are children, even as adults. Parents hold the primary responsibility for creating and maintaining a loving, supportive relationship.
• Children, young or not, shouldn't be jerks to their parents.
• Boundaries are always healthy and essential to maintaining healthy relationships, hearts, and minds. 
• Remorse and expression of regret are essential to forgiveness. Maybe they shouldn't be, but they are.
• Most, but not all, relationships can be repaired to some extent. One has to decide whether or not enough is left to save.
• Abortion of a healthy pregnancy (which is likely to end with a healthy mother and baby) is technically wrong. I really hope I would never do it. But as with premarital sex and cohabitation, I have conflicting reactions. I'm sure I love a lot of people who have chosen abortion, and I have no right to judge them or to love them any differently. My convictions don't dictate their lives. My convictions haven't always dictated my own life...though this post is an exercise in examining that. I don't have answers for every situation either. I've never been in a situation in which I had to consider abortion, so what do I know? I've asked a friend not a get an abortion. I've offered support for other options. That's all. 
• Ending an unhealthy or non-viable pregnancy is not abortion, and no one (medically or legally) should treat it as such. 
• LGBTQIA+ issues are no more choices that choosing to embrace and live out a cis or heterosexual identity. We all choose how we act and what we do. We do not choose who we are. I do consider both gender and sexuality as aspects of identity though some people I adore might disagree. I also think that gender, sexuality, and identity itself can be fluid in general and over time.
• Trump is an evil bastard. Sorry. Do you see any fruits of the spirit in that guy? I don't. My political convictions are limited, but that one is clear. He's a terrible person and a terrible leader. I voted for the first time just to be rid of him. I'm not saying Biden is fabulous (I don't really know); he's preferable. I have family who disagree with me, and I think we all just have to avoid thinking about it (and certainly avoid talking about it) in each other's presence.
• Writing heals. Writing keeps me sane. Writing grounds and coaches me. Writing is the most important thing I do. 
• Objects (from furniture to jewelry to knick knacks) can bring beauty and joy, and nothing is wrong with embracing them in those ways. 
• I agree that everything one owns should be useful or beautiful but preferably both. I have a teal pasta claw and purple-handled knives. A good 95% of my socks have fun prints, patterns, or designs. 
• Home is important. We probably shouldn't live where we live with our income. But I am a saner, happier, kinder, better person because we live here, so we will live here as long as possible.
• Family roles should not fit (or reject for the sake of rejecting) prescriptions. Every family, whatever its shape, should grow in accordance with its needs. Family members support each other in a myriad of ways and fill in each other's gaps. For the first four years of Oliver's life, Josh was a stay-at-home dad while I maintained a difficult career that I loved. This made the most sense for our family at the time. When our needs and abilities changed, so did our roles. I'm usually more skilled and comfortable as an administrator than Josh is, so I pay bills, do taxes, and coordinate Oliver's care and education. Josh is the one who makes most of the money and brushes Oliver's teeth at night. Right now, Josh does most of the weekly chores while I do most of the daily chores. Josh usually takes Oliver to school, and I usually pick him up--this may change as we only have one car right now. I sometimes cook, but most of the time, we all eat separately as Oliver is extremely particular, I'm picky, and Josh is a vegetarian. Josh goes running most mornings. I go to the library and see my best friend on Fridays. We adjust. We trust each other to speak out when something isn't working. 

I may add to this list later, but I've gotten a good handle on some of what I believe. It's not all necessarily right or good. This is the most I've ever revealed about my own opinions, my own view of truth. It may be a mistake. But it was a good exercise for me. Now, I can think more clearly about how to live in accordance with my certainties. Thanks, Mary Oliver, for the idea.

Stillness & Attention: Week 27.

Day 1: Saturday. We've begun the second half of the year. Josh wanted to get me a prize for my meeting some fitness goals, so we all went to Michael's. Oliver did great (I was quick), and I got those fairy stickers and Bella Grace Book of Lists. We went to the nearby Food Lion. Oliver did fine but didn't want his donuts or the chips he'd requested. We got plenty of frozen breakfast sandwiches and pita sandwiches since he ate so many during the week. 

Oliver had a pretty hardcore meltdown today. After we got home from getting groceries, he wanted to go to the park. Josh told him that he was going to eat lunch first. This was, apparently, beyond the pale. No matter how many times we said, "After Daddy eats," or "Not right now," or "Later," or "Soon," or "Daddy's going to eat, and then we'll go," he kept saying "Go pork!" I don't know if he doesn't understand our explanations or if he just refuses to wait. He started throwing his shoes (which are pretty big) around as hard as he could. He flung a basket of pens. He pitched a photo and broke the glass. Then, he ripped the coat hooks out of the wall, bringing down bits of plaster. He continued even after Josh was done eating and we told Oliver to go find his shoes so we could go to the park. I stood at the ready to clean up more glass. Josh screwed the coat hooks back up, trying to cover the gaping previous holes.  

And then, as suddenly as it had begun, it was over. We helped Oliver put on his shoes, and we went to the park.

He only wanted to stay for twenty minutes. I guess he had worn himself out having a tantrum. Luckily, once he's been out, he's usually satisfied for the day. Oliver doesn't always get what he wants when he wants it, but we make dozens of accommodations for him each day, trying to keep us all sane. I don't really know what else you do with a child who does not understand consequence. If we were to punish him, it would be disconnected cruelty for him. He doesn't have much currency anyway. I'll put away his tablet if he throws it (and I don't think he comprehends even that), but I'm not going to take away his food or his comfort items. Ah, parenting. 

Day 2: Sunday. I finished my cats-and-books journal today and started my Under the Light of the Moon journal, which I bought with birthday money from my dad last week. I love the illustrated pages. I don't find a lot of journals with those. Papaya Art is one of the best suppliers. 

Today, I read over 100 pages of Lost in a Book aloud to the boys, and we finished the book. I read about half of Billy Collins's The Rain in Portugal. I don't quite know what to think of his poetry, but I keep reading it. 

Day 3: Monday. I feel a lot of anxiety today over the state of the country and its future. I worry about Oliver's safety and care and about the perception of his humanity. Josh says some politician said that The Handmaid's Tale is the goal. In such a world, I'd lose Josh (my second husband), Oliver (the offspring of a second marriage), reading, and writing. I can't imagine how I'd survive. 

I have two Mary Oliver books to read soon. I've already read six of her books. As with Billy Collins, I don't quite know what to think of Mary Oliver's poetry, but I've read a lot of it. I'm not crazy about nature writing. I started reading Kaleidoscope by Brian Selznick to the boys today. I'm counting it as a short story collection; it's made up of little tales about two souls or entities in various forms. I bought the book at Kinokuniya in New York City. 

We got Chinese food today! I'm going to try to make my chicken and broccoli order last for three meals. It is a lot of food. We ended up at the park, where Oliver actually played in the water at the splash pad and I read some of Joyful to Josh. The book is full of interesting tidbits of information, much more concrete than I expected. 

I miss my cats more than usual today.

Day 4: Tuesday. I read two very long stories for the magazine last night, and then, I couldn't get to sleep. The fireworks were pretty loud. I slept a little and woke up at midnight, realizing I'd missed my night meds. I took them and ended up sleeping in my chair. 

I used my Amazon points to buy a cheap Discman and a white binder. The former is so that I can listen to my audio books at home and not only in the car. I've decided to keep an audio book going. I'd like to listen to The Testaments while I do chores. I'm trying to do better at keeping up with the dishes, the laundry, and the general picking up. I'm no housekeeper, and I don't really notice mess, but it bothers Josh. The binder is for a project idea I had. I was thinking I could make my own art journal using cardstock pages (I have a lot of cardstock), decorating them, and putting them in sheet protectors in a binder. I may not get time for that until school starts again.

Josh found out that he's been working extra hours, so he now gets to leave work at 5:00 instead of 5:30. I'm hoping that will make a big difference for our evening routine. It's usually such a rush--dinner for Josh, bath time for Oliver, bed time for Oliver. I'd like to have time to do yoga with Josh or at least read aloud a little. 

Oliver has been having a lot of accidents lately, both at night and during the day. It's a lot to deal with, and it makes me nervous about his place at his school. The school dismisses students who have multiple accidents. We may need to start scheduling bathroom visits again, taking him every hour or so. I hate to go backward with his independence, but something's not working. I remind myself that it's a miracle he's potty-trained at all. 

I've been keeping up with yoga. I'm trying to figure out how to have more open communication with Josh. He's reserved to say the least, and I tend to bury thoughts and feelings when they're uncomfortable or seem hopeless. I told him today, You are my lantern. Without you, all the light I find could fall away. 

Day 5: Wednesday. Today has been a joyful day. I wrote today and finished reading The Rain in Portugal, my third book for the month. I try to read some poems and some stories each day. I've been doing a little better with my habits. 

Josh and I had planned on buying furniture this year, specifically, a new dresser. But I decided that I'd get more joy out of seating. Our dresser is pretty and still works fairly well, and I was already thinking about keeping it for another year. But I've been wanting a cozy spot in the study, and we spend a lot of time standing or sitting on the bathroom floor while Oliver takes multiple daily baths. So I decided to get seating for the study and for the bathroom, and it was all still cheaper (even with a couple of pillows) than a dresser would have been. I'm excited about all of it. I want to spend more time in our study, which sort of doubles as a gym locker for Josh. I have a disc chair in there now, but it's not very cozy, and I'd like to put it back in Oliver's room. It's nice to have a place to sit in his room when he wants to play there (he always wants company). 

I needed to pay a bill today, and we had the money to pay it! That's a great feeling. I also get a lot of joy out of my daily life. Some things are hard (driving, appointments, meltdowns), but in general, I'm happy with my life. 

Day 6: Thursday. Last night, I forgot to take my meds, and I didn't sleep well. Under six hours of sleep is far too little for me. I do well closer to nine. So I woke up exhausted (Oliver got up at 4:30) and with very little coping ability. Josh went for a run, and Oliver insisted on a second bath before 6 a.m. while I was trying to sort out my meds. I must have said no thirty times, but he never stopped asking, breath by breath, with no change of inflection or speed as I became visibly distressed. The house was also freezing. 

For some reason, I could not handle this. Even when I finally gave in, Oliver kept repeating the words, "You wanna take a baff?" I put him in the bath, turned off the AC, and huddled up on the bed a few feet away in the adjoining guest room until he said (ten minutes later) that he wanted to get out. I couldn't sit on the wet (from the previous bath) bathroom floor for another minute. I think I'm going to have to make peace with multiple baths early in the morning. I mean, I'd like to relax in a hot bath in the morning. It will be a little easier when I have a chair to sit in. 

I write about this because some hours or even days are hard, and sometimes, my reactions don't match the situation. What's so bad about a bath? I just get worn and burned out and feel suddenly hopeless. From what I've read, this is not unusual among parents of children with special needs or even among parents in general. 

I felt nauseated with sleepiness and body tension (I've been sleeping on the couch or in my chair a lot because Oliver gets in our bed some nights and pushes one of us out). Josh asked if I needed him to stay home. I said no but said I might need him to take tomorrow off since he has a Friday to take this month. I originally wanted him to take that Friday off when Mom keeps Oliver, but I don't know if she will do that this month or when it will be. I'm trying not to save good things for an indeterminate "later." 

While Oliver played with his sheet protector and ate snacks, I managed to nap for a little over an hour, waking up periodically to respond to requests. Oliver asks for permission at every step ("Want some Gatorade? Wanna open it? Wanna put it back?"), so responses like "You can do it" are almost automatic. When I came out of this not-so-solid nap, I felt a lot less like I were going to explode or disintegrate. 

The Spectrum employee arrived (our Internet has been down by 30%, sometimes going out completely when Oliver wants to watch a YouTube Thomas video on his tablet. He was here for about an hour, putting in a new line. I'd told Oliver that a guy was coming to look at our computers (the closest explanation I thought he'd understand), so he was fine with it though very curious. When the employee vanished from sight outside where Oliver was stationed at the window, Oliver said, "Where's the guy?" This was pretty cute.

When that was done, I decided to soothe myself by decorating a journal with stickers and organizing my stickers. I have an excellent sticker collection that always cheers me up. I felt some better after that. I scribbled in metallic gunmetal gel ink when Oliver was occupied. Being home with him all day, all week, is harder than it may sound. I'm sure he gets bored and frustrated. We don't have a second car, and he's a flight risk, so I don't often take him out by myself (Josh is a runner, so he can catch Oliver). I set a daily alarm for my night meds and decided to take Xanax on the mornings when I'm especially tired or distraught. I'm not sure how to improve my sleep situation. 

Josh came home for a late lunch, and I leaned into him. After he left, I tried to read and planned on doing yoga, but I didn't end up feeling able to do much of anything besides attend to Oliver. I started feeling rough again. I decided to eat something (Jimmy Dean Delite breakfast bowl with egg whites, potatoes, turkey sausage, and cheese) and take ibuprofen. The pain in my neck and shoulders started to fade.

Josh got home, and I read a story from Kaleidoscope to him and Oliver while Josh ate dinner. I updated duotrope, putting in all my recent submission responses. I was behind, so I count that as writing work. Soon, it was time for the actual bath (that's for cleansing rather than just recreation) and close to bedtime. When the boys went to bed, I took my own bath, took Ambien, and read a story for the magazine. They're coming in quickly this week. I don't think I'll stay awake long. We often fall asleep while it's still light. The first week of July is over, and I don't feel I've accomplished enough. But today, I just needed to get through it. 

Day 7: Friday. Oliver woke up at 4:30 again, but I did get 8 1/2 hours of sleep, which is much better. I did take Xanax with my morning meds. The calming of the Xanax cancels out some of the energy of the Ritalin, but I feel pretty even. It's 7:37, and Oliver has not asked for a second morning bath yet. He's doing a lot of vocal stimming (self-stimulation) this morning as he lounges on his giant crash pad, which isn't unusual. I often barely notice it. He sounds like a pirate mutter-singing to himself. 

He has his sheet protector, which is his favorite object. He examines it, turns it, feels the edges, looks through it, swirls it, and sends it out like a paper airplane. Occasionally, it swoops under the furniture, which necessitates a lot of searching and moving of said furniture. When Oliver is having a hard time, I sometimes give him a fresh (unblemished! unwrinkled!) sheet protector. We discovered this love by total accident when I tore open a package of sheet protectors, which I use to organize my stickers, and they flew all over the guest room. Oliver was instantly fascinated. This has replaced his very messy previous habit of shredding magazines. We now have a green polka dot bin in the guest room, where he likes to hang out sometimes when he wants to be alone but not too far away from us, to hold the many sheet protectors he's saved. His therapists and his teachers have been great about supporting this odd but helpful self-soothing object. 

Josh is out running, but he's home for the day. Friday is cleaning day, so I'm thinking about laundry I need to put away and clutter I need to tackle. Josh calls me a clutterbug. I'm not exactly a mess (well...), but I make concentrated collections of objects like books, notebooks, pens, stationery, art supplies, and the like in specific places close at hand, like on my chair or my ottoman or next to the bed. I organize the objects periodically. I draw a lot of comfort from objects; I've learned to embrace this though people see it as being materialistic. 

Plans for later in the day include going to the library (with, hopefully, more than a couple of books to return) and having Bruce over for a visit. Oliver will be very excited to see Bruce. Bruce and I usually spend time together on Friday nights. I used to watch shows at his house, but we've been going out more lately (and by going out, I mean going to Barnes and Michael's) because I need to get out. We don't have a show this month or next month, but the new season starts in September with an exciting schedule. I still can't believe I go to about nine shows a year.

I finished cleaning up my chair and ottoman. The ottoman is my center of operations, so it will still look cluttered to most people. I should have taken a before shot!

Stillness & Attention: Week 26.

Day 1: Saturday. We're almost at the mid-point of the year! I've kept up my NoBuy for almost six months. But since we got a major bill out of the way, I may spend my birthday money this weekend.

We'd made plans for this to be our outing day. I woke up early (5:30), but we weren't in a hurry. I'm not counting calories today, so I ate cheddar and sour cream Ruffles for breakfast. Oh yes. 

We first went to get groceries. We bought a little bag of dark plums. I don't think I've ever eaten a plum, but they were so pretty. I found fudge peanut cookies (faux Tagalongs) that I haven't seen in a long time. I'll hide them in the freezer. I got a cheesecake parfait but only ate half of it. 

I put away the groceries while Josh cleaned out the car. Then, we went to Lowe's to get a wire for the weed eater. That only took a few minutes. 

First fun stop: Barnes. I want to start going to Barnes at least once a month for the atmosphere and to keep tabs on new releases I may want to read. I like to be aware of what's out; that's what I loved about being a bookseller. 

I decided to buy three journals with my birthday money. Choosing wasn't so easy; Peter Pauper Press has a lot of great new journals. But I can also get those with points on Amazon. So I chose one PPP journal, Floral Fields. I loved the flowers in white, purples, and pinks. I got a Compendium (a great brand for journals) spiral journal that has a Rumi quotation: There is a voice that doesn't use words. Listen. I love spiral jorunals; they're kind of hard to find. And I found the Under the Light of the Moon journal with designs by Katie Daisy on every page. I also got the summer issue of Oh Reader. I really need to catch up on my good magazines. 

We went next to Ulta. I wanted to look for a brown automatic eyeliner with sparkle--not the easiest item to find. I almost got the staff searching the store, but I was able to find Clinique Intense Quickliner in Intense Clove. It's a medium brown with a hint of silver shimmer. Brown eyeliner is allowed on my NoBuy list, so I didn't count that. I did count a Colour Pop Super Shocker Ultra Glitter eye shadow in Dream Much, a bright periwinkle with purple glitter. I fell for another sparkler: Fenty Beauty Diamond Bomb in Rose Rave. It's a rose gold highlighter with gold and pink glitter. I really liked another shade, How Many Carats?, but Ulta was out. The store was super busy. Josh stood in line while I continued to weave through the aisles. 

I tucked my orange Ulta bag into my purse so that the makeup wouldn't melt in the car, and we went to lunch at Carrabbas, one of my favorite restaurants. I had the perfect meal: bread with oil and herbs, an excellent Caesar salad, and the delicious mezzaluna pasta--sweet half moons of pasta with cheeses, chicken, and a tomato cream sauce. And I had two Shirley Temples. I only ate half the mezzaluna, so I'll have the leftovers for tomorrow. Even so, I couldn't have this meal on a calorie-counting day because it's basically my full allotment. But once every couple of months, I'm going to have it anyway. 

We came home and had some time to rest. Josh took a nap. I'm still not really able to sleep during the day. At the last minute, we got ready and went to the Woodpeckers baseball game. Justice for Our Neighbors was the nonprofit of the night. We arrived and immediately found the Dippin' Dots. I got chocolate chip cookie dough in a helmet. Josh got rainbow ice and a soft pretzel. We ate and visited the JFON table before finding our seats. It was hella hot. After an hour, we relocated to the JFON table. I didn't pay a lot of attention to the game. Josh kept looking over at me like he had a crush on me. 

When we got home, we both took showers. I've read almost nothing this weekend as I predicted--too enamored of my company.

Day 2: Sunday. We had another slow morning. I stayed up long enough last night to write in my journal. Today, I worked on my planner, which requires me to spread out with my stickers, pens, and colored pencils. I had my leftover mezzaluna. Josh went on a longer run as he usually does on Sundays. 

We drove to Rockingham in the afternoon to pick up Oliver. In the car, I read Trawling the Silences by Kathryn Stripling Byer aloud to Josh and then to both boys. We finished it. Kay was a visiting professor for a poetry seminar Josh and I took as seniors at ASU. She always encouraged us as writers, as a couple, and later as parents. Kay died in 2017, and we still miss her. Trawling was her final book of poems. 

Oliver seemed willing enough to come home. He had the worst meltdown Mom and Shane have seen over the weekend, but he was happy when they took him swimming at my brother's pool. I unpacked his bag, and we settled back into our routines. I'm happy Josh and I got this weekend to spend together, to rest, and to run around town. 

Day 3: Monday. Josh is back at work, but he got to come home for lunch. Oliver has been eating "biscuits," lite breakfast sandwiches from our freezer. He ate three of my turkey sausage, egg white, and cheese croissants and then ate one of Josh's plant-based "meat," spinach "egg" whites, and "cheese" English muffins. We were surprised to see him eat faux meat, but he did. He must be going through a growth spurt. We usually struggle to get him to eat enough, and he usually eats very little variety. We've found it impossible to force food on him since he got out of a high chair, so thank goodness for vitamins. 

I made a stack in the living room of the short story collections I want to read this summer. It's a little daunting to see!

Day 4: Tuesday. Today was a hard day. I felt a lot of hurt, anxiety, and conflict. I didn't read or write today. I didn't put on makeup--I try not to put it on when it's not going to be fun. Oliver's OT appointment was stressful because he managed to hit his head on the wall while looking out a window. When Oliver is hurt, he asks for help ("You need some help?") and rubs his eyes until they're raw. He says, "Blow your eyes?" I dried his eyes many times with a tissue. Once we were on our way home and we stopped for the customary post-appointment fries, he started to feel better. I'm relieved that we don't have OT next week. It's kind of an ordeal even when it goes well. 

This is a hard day for Josh too, and I'm worried about both of us. A friend I worked with at Borders has spent a lot of time messaging with me today, and she has made me feel less alone. 

Day 5: Wednesday. I didn't sleep enough last night, but I feel lighter today than I did yesterday. I found some comfort talking to Josh in the night. I'm not good at guessing what Josh is thinking and feeling, and telling me is difficult for him. But we're trying to make more of an effort. We also did yoga together this morning, which soothed some of my tension.

The last of my birthday prizes arrived today: stickers from the artist Rongrong DeVoe (Paris and Breakfast at Tiffany's!), Benefit Benetint lip stain (which smells like roses), and yes--Fenty Beauty Diamond Bomb in How Many Carats?. The highlighter is all silver, green, and lavender glitter. 

I read a bizarre story for the magazine and wrote in my journal, trying to get back to myself. I don't feel as hopeful as I did this morning, but I do feel like I have something to work with. 

Day 6: Thursday. Last night, Josh had a board meeting, so I got Oliver ready and put him to bed. He fell asleep quickly. I took a shower and went to bed too. Josh tickled my back. I slept more last night, so I feel better today. I still feel fragile emotionally. I'm not sure how to heal my mind and heart.

I finally got back to Wild Swims by Dorthe Nors. The story "The Fairgrounds" enchanted and haunted me. It's just a few pages long, but I wish I owned a copy of the collection just for that story. Still, reading feels really hard right now. I haven't read substantially in about a week. 

I wrote in my journal with copper and sepia pens. I ran laundry and the dishwasher. Josh got to come home for lunch. Usually, he's already eaten, and we just spend the hour close together on the couch. We have a three-day weekend coming, which I didn't realize. We need the time together. He's at work so much, and when he gets home, it's almost time to get Oliver ready for bed. I think we're both ready for the summer to wrap up. The program is halfway finished. 

But the good news is that Josh got paid today. We now have savings for the first time in a few months, I paid down some debt, and we paid off Josh's medical bills that have been following us around for a year. I also plan on paying off his undergraduate loans so that we won't have that payment when his grad school loan payments restart in August. None of this would have been possible if Josh weren't working so hard this summer. But I do miss him very much. Little bits of time together early in the morning and after Oliver goes to bed don't feel like enough. I'm thankful that we had last weekend, which has probably helped us get through this hard week.

My new (well, fourteen-year-old) poem came out in Gingerbread House Literary Magazine today! https://gingerbreadhouselitmag.com/2022/06/30/james-core/

Day 7: Friday. A new month begins. I made a few major goals for July:

I think I can do all these. Eleven books will bring me to twenty for June and July. I was hoping for twenty-five, but twenty is more likely. I only ended up reading nine books in June. 

I read four books of poetry, three YA novels, and two horror/thrillers. I did read Anatomy and The Other in one day each, which felt great. Sleepless took two days. I read Trawling the Silences during one long car trip. I'd been reading The Art of Losing to Josh for a long time.

My habit tracking was pretty sparse in June. I didn't get all my habits on any one day, and a lot of days only had one glitter green highlight. I hope to do better with similar habits in July.

But I'm doing quite well with my annual reading goal overall. At the halfway point of the year, I've read eighty-one books. I feel like I can handle some more challenging books since I should have no trouble meeting and exceeding my reading challenge for the year.

This evening, I went to the library and picked up three holds: a novel, a poetry chapbook, and a graphic memoir--a nice variety. Then, I went to Michael's and Target with Bruce. We spent time looking at stickers, glitters, paints, pens, toys, and school supplies. I found the most lovely sparkling fairy sticker book that I hope Josh will buy for me at some point. I did not buy it last night! I'm halfway through NoBuy2022. 

40 before 40 Update.

I have just under three years left for my 40 before 40 goals. I'm not as far along as I'd like, but I am making progress. 

1. Read 100 Years of Solitude. I still don't know where this book is. I've considered listening to the book on CD.
2. Read The Golden Notebook. I found the book! It got lost in our move for a while. But I'm not looking forward to reading it. I think I got about one third of the way through it. It sounds like a great book, and it's one I've wanted to read since I was a teenager, but I don't actually like it. I need to start working on it a little each week. 
3. Read the New Testament (if not the whole Bible). I found my Daily Bible, and I'm somewhere in August. I was doing well with reading it every day for a while, but I've fallen off that. I'm stuck in the Old Testament, Jeremiah. It's not a good place to be stuck. But I still want to try to finish the Bible this year.
4. Read Dracula. Not yet.
5. Read Frankenstein. Not yet.
6. Finish the Harry Potter series. Done. Bruce asked me to read it shortly after we became friends. I enjoyed it. 
7. Write 100 short stories. I'm nowhere near this. I've probably only written several stories in my 30s. 
8. Write a novel. I wrote a novella--count it!
9. Make a new poetry collection. I finished two books of poetry, and I'm working on a third. I also finished two chapbooks.
10. Attempt to publish at least two books. I have my first two books of poetry under consideration now, and I've sent out the two chapbooks.
11. Try a magnetic nose stud. I tried the real thing! It was kind of a pain, and I couldn't get it back in after I got home from the hospital, but it was fun.
12. Fill more journals than I buy. This is probably happening this year since it's a NoBuy. I've gotten about five journals this year as presents or with birthday money, and I've filled more journals than that so far this year. But I still have a ton of journals, which I like. 
13. Reduce credit card debt by half or more. I already paid it all off and ran a lot back up, so I don't know if this one counts. I'm working on paying them down, especially since I'm doing NoBuy2022. We'll see where I am when I turn 40.
14. Reach and maintain a healthy weight. I've lost 15 pounds in the last couple of months, so I'm making progress on this one. 
15. See a show on Broadway or at the West End. Done! I saw three shows on Broadway last Christmas. It's one of the coolest things I've ever done!
16. Visit the UK. This is unlikely to happen. I may add it to my 50 before 50 list.  
17. Keep up with my library's new releases. I have been checking out some new releases that look interesting, so this one is in progress. 
18. Read all of Ann Patchett's books. I think I've read four (Patron Saint of Liars, Bel Canto, Truth and Beauty, and This Is the Story of a Happy Marriage). I have about...nine to go? Oh dear. 
19. Visit Ann Patchett's bookstore. This is in Nashville. I don't have plans to go, but I'd like to.
20. Read all Oz books. We've read seven! So we have eight left.
21. Read all Wrinkle in Time books. Done! I read the Time Quintet to the boys.
22. Rent a just-right house. Here we are. 
23. Attend touring shows each year. I've done this every year despite COVID (just two shows in 2020), and I plan on keeping my season tickets!
24. Take some kind of class. I totally did this! I took a ten-week Healing and Writing class with Francesca Lia Block, a four-week magical realism class with FLB, a con ed drawing class at FTCC, and a four-week YA novel writing class with Emily Colin--all last year!
25. Try an unnatural hair color. I've attempted to dye my hair green twice, but I don't think I'm willing to bleach it. I'm calling this done.
26. Read half or more of Neil Gaiman's books. Okay, he has a lot of books. I've read The Ocean at the End of the Lane, Coraline, The Sleeper and the Spindle, and Study in Emerald. I own Fragile Things and Trigger Warning. But I have a long way to go.
27. Stay at the Wilderness Lodge again. This probably won't happen. Maybe 50 before 50?
28. Win or place in a writing contest. I've entered several contests in my 30s but haven't won or placed yet. 
29. Read 10 or more Pulitzer Prize-winning books. In my 30s, I've read Break the Glass, Late Wife, The Underground Railroad, NIckel Boys, Native Guard, American Primitive, and Stag's Leap. So that's seven! 
30. Read 5 or more books of poetry a year (50 total). Done and surpassed! I've read 105 books of poetry in my 30s.
31. Try a support group. I haven't really done this, and I don't really want to. I have done group therapy...does that count?
32. Try Kindle publishing. I doubt I'll do this one before I'm 40. 
33. See Sparkle Scribbles to 100,000 views. I'm at 171,169!
34. Read all Austen books. I own all the novels, but I still have to read three of them. I'll probably try to read the stories as well. 
35. Read all Bronte books. I've read Jane Eyre, Wuthering Heights, and The Professor (Josh and I read that one together last year). So I still have three novels, and I may try to read Emily's poetry. I own all the books.
36. Read all Jeffrey Eugenides books. I've only read The Virgin Suicides and Fresh Complaint, so I have a few to go. 
37. Make daily use of my lovely secretary desk (from Mom and Shane) and denim chaise (for which I taught an extra summer class). I mostly use my desk to store stationery and ink, so I use it often when I'm writing with fountain pens. I play with stickers on my chaise. I need to use both of them more. 
38. Take Oliver to shows. This may not happen, but I'd like to try if we find something informal. 
39. Gain more control over anxiety, fear, and dread. I've definitely done this since we are in our new house (no more angry neighbors) and Oliver is in a good school (no more virtual learning...or at least very little). Anxiety is still a problem sometimes, but I am much less fearful, and while dread was a daily feeling, I rarely feel it now.
40. Continue to sparkle, even if I'm "too old." I'm sparkling at least as much as ever! I just got some more glitter for my birthday. And I plan on sparkling for the next three years and beyond.

So that's 15/40 with some progress toward more. I have a lot of reading to do. 

On Letting Go.

I've had experiences lately of people's hurting me and then doubling down on it when I express hurt. I've decided that in those cases, I just have to let those people go, no matter how major or minor their role in my life may be. 

It's mostly an adjustment for me in how I relate and how I perceive safety. I reach a point at which I can no longer feel safe with a person. Sometimes that takes years. Sometimes it happens quickly or suddenly. I don't have full control over it. 

I try to let the person know what's happening so they have a chance to help me stop it. Sometimes they really do, and sometimes they dig in. Sometimes, it's just the last thing, the straw, and I can't do anything to fix it. 

In a couple of cases, I've completely removed the person from my life. With others, I keep my distance to varying degrees. 

My primary goals are to stay sane and take care of my family (in that order--because I can't take care of anyone if I'm not sane), so I do what I need to do. I've had to make some hard decisions with this, but so far, I don't regret any of them.