Stillness & Attention: Week 33.

Day 1: Saturday. I feel pretty good today. I did yoga and listened to The Testaments last night--I'm on the last disc! I slept for over nine hours; I think that's just what I needed. I slept the last few hours in Oliver's bed because he took over my spot. I sat in the study while Josh worked out, and we had twenty or thirty minutes to talk. Then, I filled the cooler backpack with water bottles (including my cool gold glitter water bottle) and Gatorade and put on my new charcoal shorts and Shine Bright Autism Speaks tee. Oliver woke up while I was getting ready. I'd been thinking about what to tell me we were doing. I decided on, "We're going to play outside with some of Mama's friends." He seemed okay with that and got up so I could help him get dressed. Josh and I took turns with teeth brushing, meds, sunscreen, and shoes, and I put on my indigo sunglasses. 

The athletic complex was quite nice. We didn't have as much of a turn out as I'd hoped, but a lot of consumers were there. Josh helped set up some tents. Oliver and I ran around in the grass a little. At first, he wanted to go home, but he warmed up to being outside. Josh and I played soccer while Oliver wandered and watched us. Then, Josh ran on the track and did his personal best mile. We talked to my friend Miss Sheila, and I spoke briefly to the two awesome interns. After we'd been there for a couple of hours, we left to get Oliver, who'd been a good sport, some hashbrowns. We decided to go ahead and get groceries so we wouldn't have to do it tomorrow. I got blue and white hydrangeas. 

At home, we put everything away. I got irritable, and Josh told me to sit down and brought me some pasta salad. I realized that I'd forgotten to eat breakfast. After about twenty minutes, I felt better. Josh was cleaning the house. I played The Testaments and put away three baskets of laundry. 

We'd gotten a little BlendJet in the hopes of making Pediasure milkshakes or smoothies for Oliver. Josh was about to eat some blueberries, so I suggested we make a smoothie with blueberries, banana, and ice. It turned out really well! Oliver showed no interest, so I don't know how that will go. 

Day 2: Sunday. I'm very close to my next fitness goal, closer than I expected. That's exciting. 

I have a lot to look forward to: Into the Woods, Asheville, Dear Evan Hansen, Josh's class schedule starting, Oliver's school starting in three weeks. So much good is coming. And I'm happy right now in the sunlight of my study. Josh is out doing his 12-mile run. 

I didn't read for the magazine last night. But I did do yoga and finish The Testaments! That brings me to ninety-six books for the year. 

Some of my hydrangeas have already died. I guess they weren't the best choice. 

Oliver's OT bill is still outstanding despite the ESA approval from two weeks ago. I need to call the clinic. A clinic with that name in this city got almost $200 of our funds for a child with Oliver's name, so I'd like to know where that wound up. If the ESA payments aren't going to work, it may be time to stop OT at least for now. We can teach him on a daily basis more than a professional can teach him in one hour per week. 

In the grocery store yesterday, he suddenly looked up at me and gave me a brilliant smile. It put some of my pieces back together. 

I got Oliver ready for the day and made a smoothie with fresh black grapes and frozen blackberries. Oliver and I did a worksheet, writing numbers hand over hand. He can identify most numbers ten and under. He peed our bed, so I have laundry going. 

I just got an acceptance from California Quarterly! They are printing my poem "Teetotaler" in their autumn issue. Exciting! 

I switched the laundry and loaded and started the dishwasher. Oliver is tired. I suggested that he lay down on his crash pad, and he did. Now, he's sitting on the couch with Josh.

Now, they're both asleep. I put a blanket over Oliver's feet and a pillow under his head. I hope he doesn't pee on the couch. I read a story for the magazine. Two more are waiting. I made rice and beans. I think I'll add more black beans next time.

My lamp arrived, so Josh built that while I got Oliver ready for bed. I haven't read much today, but I have scribbled a lot more than I have in a while, which feels nice. Sweet Josh is upstairs changing our sheets while I listen for Oliver, who's playing outside in his pajamas. I'm thankful that I have such a kind husband. 

I've had two good nights of sleep, and I'm feeling much better. 

Day 3: Monday. I did yoga and listened to The Graveyard Book last night. I brought the CDs in from the car. I'll check out another audio book soon as I'm on disc 2 of 7. Today is Josh's first day of classes and his new schedule. Despite the fact that Oliver woke us at 6 and peed our bed, it's been a pretty relaxed morning for me. I started the day with a load of laundry. He only got our fitted sheet, so I'm just washing that. Remaking the bed will be easy. Josh kindly took care of the morning routine. We got to sit together in the study for a little while, and then, he worked out. Josh is seeing his therapist this morning; he hasn't seen her since spring. 

I still need to flush my fountain pens. I plan to finish my current journal, write in one more standard journal (so I'm not dealing with ink in Asheville), and then go back to fountain pens. Josh put the art back up in the guest room and fixed the lamp. I hadn't asked before...I just let the guest room be kind of a wreck ever since Oliver's meltdown. But I've cleaned it up from my organizing and giving away, and now, it looks better. 

I spoke to the clinic. The supervisor is out of town, so they will get back to me about the bill on Wednesday. I still got another annoying "no patient response" automated E-mail about it. I guess they'll expect payment tomorrow. They'd better credit me. 

Josh went to his appointment, came home and napped on the couch, and then went to work. Oliver asked for macaroni, and I put some shredded chicken into it. He didn't seem to mind. I'll see what else I can sneak into it...maybe some vegetables. Josh will go to 'greens after work to pick up meds and look for more mac. We'll be together for most of the day tomorrow. I'm going to go along to OT. We'll probably take Oliver to the park in the morning since we'll have time. The splash pad will close next month, and Oliver will have to be content with running around the playground again.

Sparkle Pop pens are 47% off on Amazon today. Oh dear. 

I just read the longer story for the magazine. It was good! The other one is about the same length. I'll probably read it tomorrow. Oliver is in a good mood. I've finished reading The Capsule Wardrobe. Two dresses is not enough for me, but I did order two versions of the LBD to try. I've been needing a new one since I wore out my Old Navy swing tank dress with the 40-Day Dress Challenge. I ordered a couple of different sizes try-before-you-buy, so we'll see what fits and what goes back to UPS. One dress is more formal; the other is more casual but also more versatile. One is more theatre while the other is more school pick-up line. 

Evening. I'm suddenly depressed and anxious. Josh very stressed about this semester. He has the highest number of students he's ever had, six contact hours over last year's full-time load, and a new requirement of eighty approved and documented hours of work per semester outside his department in addition to professional development and professional goal attainment. He's also taking American Lit this semester. I had it in my head that things were about to get much better, but maybe they're about to get worse. I can't do anything to make life better for Josh. I don't even want to get up in the morning. 

Day 4: Tuesday. Today is our fifteen-and-a-half-year wedding anniversary. I woke up at 6 this morning when our car alarm went off. The boys slept right through. Josh woke up an hour later. I've mostly just been thinking. 

Last night, I woke Josh and did some crying. He said he was looking forward to spending time with me. He thinks a lot of hope is in that. He keeps that in the back of his mind even though the semester will be stressful and difficult. He said that, unlike in the spring, he feels fully capable of doing the work. He said my doing the daily chores does make a difference, and he didn't mean to vomit all his stress on me. I don't want him to feel alone with it. But I definitely felt hopeless last night.

Here's Oliver. 

I feel emotionally weary today but not hopeless. I need to be careful to recover myself from every physical, emotional, and mental blow. I'm not staring into the abyss today; I'm sort of sitting in a camp chair beside it. Josh did his run, made a strawberry-blackberry smoothie, cut back some foliage in the alley, and took a shower. Now, he's working at his desk. I got Oliver ready for the day, made my to-do list for the next couple of days, and made a strawberry and banana smoothie with half a cup of apple juice--delicious. I tried making Oliver the same smoothie with a little Pediasure; he refused. It looks and smells good; he might like it if he'd try it. Then, we could get Pediasure and fruit into him. I bribed him with Skittles to try it. Some got in his mouth, but he was not convinced. Then, I tried making a milkshake with Pediasure and ice cream. Again with the Skittles. Again, no success. At least now, I can tell his doctor we tried everything. I even tried adding whipped cream. 

The clinic called. They did get that money! Whew.

I felt snacky today, so I ate turkey sticks, Cheddar Believe It Moon Cheese, and baby carrots for lunch. I'd like to increase my fruit and vegetable intake, maybe sometimes getting that five a day. Today has felt a little weird, kind of unreal. I don't think I took my afternoon meds. I feel pretty tired. I felt Josh's dread over class tonight, and OT is always tiring. But today, I got Oliver ready. I got myself ready--I showered, dressed, brushed my hair, put on makeup, and wore jewelry. I sparkled. I wore lighter Democracy jeans in my smaller size, a pink sparkle tank top, light pink glitter shoes, Zeeza pink glitter Alice in Wonderland eye makeup, and my pink key Betsey Johnson charm necklace. I talked to Oliver's therapist, a lead OT, about CREST, and she made notes. She knows a lot of people who need to know about it. I had enough calories left over for the day, so I got a Quarter Pounder when Oliver got his post-appointment fries. Josh had the idea of making Popsicles out of Pediasure smoothies, so I ordered a Popsicle mold. We'll try it!

Josh and I haven't been sharing our best things each day. 

Day 5: Wednesday. 

Best Things:

1. Quiet morning study time

2. 9 hours, 47 minutes of sleep

3. Redacted 

4. Caught up on magazine reading

5. Received disability benefit for the month

Just four whole months are left in the year. I still need to work on my low-buy guidelines. I was thinking I'd get two new subscriptions next year. One will be Oh Reader magazine. But I haven't found a second magazine I want. A box? I don't think so. I may find something later. 

I pre-ordered something as an anniversary gift that will be from Josh, bending the rules a bit. It's a Diamine Inkvent Calendar. I've never had one. It's twenty-four tiny bottles of new inks and one regular-sized bottle, all new colors with some sheens and shimmers. It comes out in October around our seventeenth dating anniversary. I'm going to open it then instead of waiting for December because trying all the inks will take me much longer than twenty-five days. I'm very excited about it. Inkvent inks often turn out to be amazing. 

Mid-week. Oliver woke up around 3 and again around 5. I slept a little past 6. I managed to get over nine hours of sleep. I didn't do yoga last night, but I did read that story for the magazine. I'm now totally caught up on that, for the moment at least. When I came down this morning, Josh had already worked out and done Oliver's morning routine; bless him. He worked at his desk for a while. I was having bad cramps and rested on the loveseat. Josh later rubbed my back--double blessings. Oliver was tired, so he asked to go to his room with Josh. Now, it's 8:19, and I'm scribbling in the sunshine. I'm still cramping but not as much. 

Josh will be able to come to the school's open house with me this year. Whew. I'll be glad to have him with me, and he'll get to meet the teachers and see how Oliver acts. And Josh's presence should put Oliver more at ease. I hope the classroom isn't in a weird place like on the third floor (where Oliver does not like to go). I'm going to be much more sociable this year. I wonder if Oliver will be in a classroom with some of the same boys. I'm really hoping Miss Elizabeth, the TA, will still be there. That would make me feel so much better, but it seems unlikely. 

Josh only has to work for two hours today. Then, he'll be back home right after 2. On Wednesdays, I won't have to leave the house as Josh can go straight from work to pick up Oliver from school. I can stay home on Tuesdays too if I don't go to OT, and I don't plan on going every week. I do want Josh to see me get ready regularly, unlike this summer when I rarely have gotten ready. 

The boys are still asleep. The clonidine now knocks Oliver out. I won't give it to him again until Sunday. We'll just do twice a week until school starts; then, we'll probably stop all together. It's a beautiful day, and I have two weeks left in this month. What can I do with those two weeks? How many books can I get through? If I can get through Arias, I can push through more, shorter books of poetry. I did read two poems yesterday. I do think I'll pick up FWDGF (kind of offensive title, so I won't use it) since I'm in the mood for nonfiction. I did enjoy Women, Work, and the Art of Savoir Faire. I remember reading it at work in a closet while I used a breast pump. Bruce was on the other side of the wall in his shared office. He's moved on up in the last ten or eleven years. 

What will happen with our lease and our rent? I don't want to move Oliver. It's such a massive adjustment for him, and I would hate for him to lose the backyard he can wander in freely. I do not want to move for so many reasons. This house is almost 100% perfect for us. Surely the owner would have already told us if he had decided to sell. Josh just got up; Oliver sleeps on. 

For LowBuy next year, I think my limit will be ten new inks, probably my favorite new Inkvent colors. Any other inks can be gifts. I'll start running out of room in my ink drawer! I've still got to flush those pens. I'll leave them empty until I'm ready to use them. 

Josh is sitting beside me playing video games. The board meeting is one week from tomorrow. But I'll be focused on the Asheville trip--which is next week! I hope it's wonderful. It will be too short. It will be our first spark of alone time together in over two months. We did get that one three-night weekend this summer. 

I received my benefit for the month and paid off our Asheville trip. We have enough money for the rest of the month without touching our savings. While Oliver has been sleeping, I've read quite a bit of Arias. I'm not done with it yet, but I'm close. Throughout the day, I also read about one hundred pages of FWDGF. I love reading about French women, and I really am in the mood for nonfiction. One thing I have not done at all lately is read aloud to the boys. Shameful.

Day 6: Thursday. Every date in August seems significant for some reason. It's not a bright day so far. I woke up an hour ago just to wake up on my own terms. Oliver woke up shortly thereafter. I'd thought Josh was out running, but he'd messaged me that he was trying to sleep in Oliver's room. So I gave Oliver a bath and brushed his teeth. I thought it would be funny when we went to his room to get him dressed. Indeed, he let out an offended gasp when he saw Josh--he'd had to deal with the inferior Mama while Daddy was available! Josh got up, and when Oliver asked to "go get some cashbrowns," Josh said yes. Oliver looked shocked and quickly put on his Crocs. 

I put away four baskets of laundry. That's all the laundry for now. That took a while. Oliver seems to enjoy following me around while I do housework. Josh brought home Chinese food, and to our great surprise, Oliver ate a ton of broccoli in brown sauce! He wanted nothing to do with the rice or the chicken, and he made quite a mess, but it was great! Maybe we should get Chinese food more often...

I talked to my mom on the phone for the first time in weeks. She's been quite busy with company. I'd sent out the Oliver information sheets and shopping lists I've been working on like crazy, and she thought maybe I wasn't okay. I told her I was okay, just feeling anxious and isolated, and I want everyone to have a clue about how to care for Oliver. I updated her on my mood, my exhaustion (much better), Josh's work, and CREST. Radar, her Frenchie, has a rare cancer. I'll try to call her next week. 

My pink Betabrand pants arrived. They're a little small, but I can get them on. I wouldn't wear them in a professional situation yet. They'll look good with black, gray, brown, purple, and green. They're more rose than fuchsia. The fancier black dress came. It's not very fancy, and I don't really like it, so I'll probably return it. 

I did really well with NoBuy for the first six months of the year. I've done pretty well with NoStuff since then, but I've done some spending for the future. My household spending was within the furniture budget. I did buy tickets for Bruce and I to see Into the Woods, which I do not regret. And I'm only excited about the Inkvent calendar, which will really be a gift from Josh--he usually just gives me what I request anyway. I can still finish the year strong. I have four months left. Gifts, fitness prizes, clothes for significant weight loss, and points/gift card spending only. 

Day 7: Friday. Josh scared me yesterday, thinking I'd missed the board meeting. I hadn't changed the date in the calendar. That's next week, right before our trip. Everyone will see my nose stud and be scandalized (I wore a mask last time); I always forget I have it. At least the director and Miss Sheila have already seen it. I know what I'm going to wear; I'll feel fancy and pretty. I won't be able to help feeling good with the trip coming. And Miss Sheila will be there; she puts me at ease. In fact, she's one of the people who naturally puts me most noticeably at ease. Josh asked me about that. I said he, Bruce, Nanna, and Uncle Chris are on the list. Michelle (my dad's wife) and my childhood best friend's mom Vicki are nearby too. 

I made a smoothie with frozen peaches, milk, and apple juice. I seem to be enjoying smoothies more than whole fruit. Maybe it's a texture thing. 

I just posted all those size 8 boys clothes since the "desperate" mother never came to get them. I'd like to get the bag out of the guest room. Yes, someone is coming.

I did read some of Arias yesterday but not nearly enough. I need to finish it today so I can return it. I also have to read that 7k-word story for the magazine today. Those are my two reading priorities. It's sprinkling outside. It's going to be gloomy. I'm glad I got that bright lamp. 

Miss Sheila is dropping off some CREST pamphlets and business cards I requested. I want to give some to Oliver's therapist next week.

I slept until 7, which was nice. I snuggled up on the loveseat, and Josh came down a little later. Oliver quickly followed. Josh started the bath and then worked on attendance while I finished the morning routine. Josh went for a run and then did an orientation for USCRI. 

Last night, I did do yoga, but I didn't feel like listening to my book. I also updated my planner. Today, I've started making my weekend to-do list. Oliver is watching his Oliver playlist (many, many videos of himself), and Josh is leaving for work. I won't get anything done around the house for a while. Oliver really wants us to be still while he watches videos. But he now tolerates trips to the bathroom and the kitchen, thank goodness. 

I unloaded and loaded the dishwasher, did a little work cleaning up my chair, and finished the pile of filing that has been waiting on me for some time. I also worked on reorganizing some of the files, especially the mass of IEP paperwork. I still have a lot of organizing to do, but the filing cabinet looks a little better, and I got rid of some redundant files. That's what I was working on while Josh did weekly cleaning. Before that, he gave me a great lower back rub, which banished what I hope were the last of my cramps. 

I did finished Arias at last! I went to the library just to drop off Arias and The Testaments. Now, I've read two books this week, four books this month, and ninety-eight books this year. Not great for the month but great for the year. I can read a lot of short books in the next twelve days. I don't know if I can read eight books and reach my goal of twelve books for the month, but I can make more progress. I need to finish Uniquely Human, which has been on my shelf forever. Maybe it will teach me something about Oliver. I do kind of feel like I can read anything right now. It's a powerful and hopeful feeling. I'd like to feel this way all the time. 

Stillness & Attention: Week 32.

Day 1: Saturday. I met a major fitness goal! Josh gave me two prizes: Rainbow OPTX indigo mood-enhancing sunglasses (I didn't have any sunglasses) and three Art Nouveau Disney Princess art prints by Hannah Alexander! 

My black dress pants arrived today, and they fit! So I now have two pairs of jeans and one pair of dress pants in my current size, all petite. I ordered a try-before-you-buy pair of denim shorts (also Democracy). We'll see what I think of those. I also ordered a set of try-before-you-buy colorful yoga shorts in a smaller size as my two current pairs of park-worthy shorts are a little too large. I don't really need five pairs of athletic shorts, though. 

I checked out eight books yesterday. I returned three, only one of which I'd read. Oh well. European Travels and Arias need to go back; nothing else is due soon. I checked out two books of poetry. I'm excited about What Moves the Dead, which is under 200 pages. Oliver and I did a cut-and-glue worksheet yesterday. We're making our way through the summer packet. I did yoga and listened to The Testaments last night. Then, I read a story for the magazine. I'm very behind on reading. I have three or four stories waiting. I have three loads of laundry to put away and another two to run. Josh changed our sheets and Oliver's sheets while I was at the library yesterday--so sweet. 

The jewelry box I ordered arrived, and though it's not as big as I anticipated, it will help me organize. It's pink faux velvet, and I plan to put my favorite jewelry in it. None of my jewelry is "real," but it is lots of fun. The skinny pink cart I ordered arrived too; I built that myself last night. It fits perfectly in the awkward space between our bathroom vanity and the wall, with enough room for our scale. I put daily items like toothpaste, leave-in conditioner, and body spray on the first shelf; philosophy 3-in-1s on the second shelf; shaving cream on the third shelf; and deodorant for all of us on the bottom shelf.

I did get a big prepper bottle of vegetable oil today. I got ingredients for pasta salad and for rice and beans, and I already have everything for fried rice. And I got multicolored daisies. I put the good roses in the purple and gold glass by the sink. Oliver got Popsicles today--strawberry, all fruit, no sugar added, lots of vitamin C. They're one of the healthiest things he eats. We bought some Pediasure...we'll see if we can get him to drink any of it. 

It's getting hot. I put bronze glitter drops in my sunscreen. They glitter rainbow. The sky looks bluer through my sunglasses. We're at the splash pad, and Josh is picking up Baldino's for lunch. A bunch of balloons have made it into the gates of the splash pad. Kids are getting angry about them. It's getting hotter, stickier. Two young Mormon missionaries spoke to us. They asked to pray for us. I told him our son has special needs and his name is Oliver, so they prayed for him. We declined the fifteen minutes of evangelism though. I tried to be kind and make them feel they'd accomplished something. 

The kids' sub I ordered was tiny but good. I ate all the lettuce, tomato, and cucumber with the turkey and provolone. It's 1:35, and we've been here for three hours. We're going to have to use a bribe to get home. 

Ah, we're home. The ice cream bribe worked. Oliver must have known he was hot and tired. My Berry Pop and Cherry Slush energy drinks arrived. I want to get a lot of organizing done tomorrow, so I'm going to drink a grape Bang that I got at the grocery store. 

Day 2: Sunday. 8:30. I woke up at 7 to Oliver asleep next to me. He's still asleep now. He woke up at 4 today and yesterday, but today, he decided to go back to sleep. I hope he sleeps a while longer. Josh is out running 10 miles. We got to spend a few minutes together when I got up. 

The last two nights, I've read a story for the magazine, but I still have three to go. I didn't do yoga last night. Josh and I exchanged back tickles. One of my few memories of my Grammy, who died when I was four, is of her tickling my back, arms, and face. My Great Aunt Linda, who died years ago, used to tickle my back in her king-sized bed, read me fairy tales, and sing me songs. She lived far away in New Mexico. When she was dying, I didn't know what to do, so I sent her a love letter. She called me "Little Becky" because I was named after her daughter Becky.

I read an article from Enchanted Living and then read two-thirds of Real Simple. I skipped a couple of articles like one on yard work. I found a couple of books to add to my list. I'll never come anywhere near getting through that list, but I love planning my reading even though my plans are overly ambitious. 

In a few weeks, Josh and I will go to Asheville. I'll read to the boys in the car on the way to Charlotte, and then, I'll read to Josh in the car. Maybe we'll finish a book. I can't wait to lie in bed with Josh, doing nothing for a few hours. If he naps, I'll read or write or watch a movie or just think. I'll be content. I'll take a bath in the middle of the day. We'll walk around downtown and find little shops and restaurants. When was our last trip together? I guess it was New York at Christmas. I didn't think we'd travel this year. But we should try to take a little trip each year, even if it's just to Southern Pines. 

Josh's schedule is now in place, assuming it doesn't change (we never know). He has twenty-four contact hours, which means a four-hour overage. That means extra pay, which is good. Most of his classes are online this semester. So we're going to have time together every morning. On Tuesdays, we'll have the whole school day together, he'll be able to take Oliver to OT, and then Josh will teach a night class. Josh will spend more time working in other parts of the college while he's on campus, so he'll do more work at home. I'm glad I have a place to sit now while he works at his desk. I'm just grateful that he will be around so much. I can't wait to have regular alone time with him again, a few hours here and there. Oliver will get to see him more too. I think Oliver will be glad to be back in the routine of school when it's time--apart from not having the option to sleep in and do his summertime morning routine. 

9:52. Oliver is still asleep, and Josh is back and showered. I'm drinking a little bottle of sugar-free lemonade. The day is bright, and I'm smiling. I'm so thankful for this time in the study. It's my favorite place in the house. 

Oliver is up now, and Josh is giving him a bath--bless him. I sent out an E-mail to the grandparents about the birthday party idea. Dad, who lives in Atlanta, and Josh's parents have replied that they'll come! I spent some time making a wish list for Oliver's birthday because buying him presents is very difficult. It's mostly clothes one size up and books we can read aloud to him, lots of Newberry winners. 

4:52. I have laundry going, and I just made fried rice. As I was cooking, I realized that I haven't eaten today! I drank a glass of apple juice while I cooked, and I'm having another now. Oliver has seemed fairly content to follow me around today. I've done a lot. I organized my jewelry, posting some that someone will pick up tomorrow morning. I completely reorganized the wardrobe, pulling out a few more magazines; arranging the books I'm going to quote; and sorting journals by priority, brand, binding (spiral or not), and paper quality (fountain pen sturdy or not). I ended up with extra room. I found several journals and notebooks I'm not going to use, and Victoria is going to pick them up tonight along with some more sticky notes. I also found some unopened frames someone is supposed to come get. I went through all my hair accessories and found a bunch of headbands and barrettes I hadn't used; someone is picking those up along with an old Franklin Covey planner. Someone is also coming to pick up all those kids magnets I took off the fridge. I'm only stuck with a (new with tags) swimsuit and a pair of (new with tags) rain boots. 

Day 3: Monday. Oliver got up shortly after Josh left. We went through the morning routine. While he was in the bath, I went through our posters. I threw away one and posted several. I did find the poster I was looking for plus two more I'll put up on doors: a Becky Kelly one and a mermaid Bath one. Yesterday, I moved the Mary Engelbreit book poster to the guest bathroom, moved the winter fairy (my Amy Brown fairy) to the study, and asked Josh to hang the Richard Marx lyrics upstairs. I figure they're relatively safe there because Oliver rarely melts down upstairs. 

We just did another worksheet, writing sentences. Oliver ought to be doing preschool work. At least the next worksheet is coloring certain objects certain colors, which is closer to his level. I enjoy using the glitter daubers with him. 

So this month, Biden will make a decision regarding student loans. Will he forgive any of them? Delay payments further? We'll see. I expect we'll have to start paying next month, and I have a number in mind. Everything depends on what happens with our rent. 

I'm sending back everything from my Stitch Fix. I don't need anything they sent. I'm thinking about what to wear to my next board meeting. I ordered some on-sale Betabrand hot-pink dress yoga pants. They can be my extra pair of pants in my current size. A small pink velvet ottoman arrived; I filled it with all my tank tops and leggings. Then, I took the too-small trunk that had held them and filled it with my rubber stamps (which had been in three different boxes). I gave away some of my stamps. I counted my empty pens for the year: 195. 

I just did a major closet purge. I took out fourteen pairs of pants and about two dozen shirts. I'm still keeping a sort of capsule wardrobe of a few sizes. I've started reading The Capsule Wardrobe by Wendy Mak. But a couple of people are coming for the rest of the clothes. I found some more of my current size pants in the closet in Oliver's room: two pairs of dress pants and one pair of capris, so I'm all set for this size! I'm sending back the other pair of dress pants. I also went through all my shoes but only gave away one pair. My shoes are awesome. 

I ran two or three loads of laundry and put away three baskets of laundry. I did the dishes, cleaned the stove, swept the kitchen, and ran the dishwasher. My Discman belt pack and portable DVD player and case arrived. I haven't tried any of them yet. I did do yoga and listen to The Testaments. I read one story for the magazine. 

Day 4: Tuesday. Mom said she could keep Oliver the weekend of November 6--when Dear Evan Hansen will be at DPAC! Ticket sales open for season ticket holders in just a few hours. I want to get them for Josh for our seventeenth anniversary since we didn't get to see the show in New York! 

I keep thinking I have nothing else to give away, and then, I find more. Last night, I gave away a purple mini flat iron I found! I'd never used it. I have the strangest things. 

Oliver peed his bed terribly. I ordered a king-sized plastic zip-up mattress cover; apparently, it tears. Hopefully, the bigger size won't. "Breathable" mattress protectors don't cut it. 

I put Josh's posters away and recycled mine. The large downstairs closet is even clearer. Excellent. I started a load of laundry (Oliver peed our bed as well) and unloaded the dishwasher. I haven't done a lot, but I feel as if I have. 

I got tickets! Fourth row center! They'll be great seats, and the show will be so different from when I saw it front row balcony with Bruce. It's just three months away! We may never get another chance to see the show as it's closing on Broadway and in London and the tour may end. I'm excited. I hope Josh will like the show.

I washed and posted four blankets I was done with, and someone picked them up. I packed up the books that are going to 2nd and Charles and put them in two boxes out of the way in the guest room. I cleared space atop the bookshelf by my chair and on my ottoman. Now, I can actually put my feet up. My tray fell apart, but I had that extra teal one I'd accidentally ended up with.

I took Josh's posters up to the attic and brought down old art, which someone picked up. I cut and laminated many art pieces and put them up around the house, including my Hannah Alexander prints above my chair. 

I'm not crazy about the way the prints look laminated, but they're safer from Oliver. I just had to cut a little off the bottom. 

I ran two or three loads of laundry and put away three baskets of laundry while listening to The Testaments. I read a middle-length story for the magazine. I didn't do any other reading. I found four more nice journals I'm not likely to use, and someone picked them up. I'm so glad to have a way to give away nice items. 

Day 5: Wednesday. Ten days from now is my friend Melissa's birthday, and Bruce and I will see Into the Woods. 

Josh is working out. The sunlight is coming into the study. I hope Oliver sleeps on for a while. Last night, I did yoga and listened to The Testaments. I'm craving nonfiction, so I've decided to do what I did last year: combine summer and fall, short stories and nonfiction. That gives me a lot more time to enjoy both. I make my own rules! That way, Unless It Moves the Human Heart and The Writer's Library will also count toward the seasons. 

I'm so exhausted. I feel like I need to be picked up and carried, and I'm not even sure where--probably just to bed. I don't feel like I can manage anything--not yoga, not reading, not the magazine, not even brushing my teeth again. 

Day 6: Thursday. It turned out that yesterday, I didn't have any Ritalin. I'd run out without realizing it until late in the day. That was part of the exhaustion. When Josh got home from work, we took Oliver to his appointment with his new psychiatrist. She was nice. She refused to prescribe Ativan as it can sometimes have the opposite effect in children. But she did prescribe hydroxyzine, which some people are taking instead of Xanax, and which can have a quick calming effect. I feel better having something. We're now over three weeks out from that terrible meltdown. 

After the appointment, which didn't take long, we took Oliver to get the customary post-appointment fries. Then, we picked up my Ritalin. The JFON fundraiser at Chili's began shortly, and I didn't feel like going home for fifteen minutes, so we went to Barnes. I accidentally left my purse in the car, further evidence that I wasn't feeling well. I explored the partially remodeled store while the boys sat in the cafe with a peanut butter cookie. Oliver walked around with us for a while, and then, we went to Chili's. 

We were surprised when Oliver insisted on going to the mall, which was close by. We haven't been to the mall in years. Oliver was not happy about going to a restaurant instead. He took off his Crocs, tried to climb out of the booth, and got loud. But eventually, he calmed down. We were asking a lot of him close to bed time. I had the Guiltless Grill sirloin with grilled avocado and asparagus, and it was so good. Oliver seemed glad to get home and didn't go to bed much later than usual. I crashed asleep with no preamble. 

I've rarely been so tired, and I'm still pretty tired. 6:23. Oliver slept through the night, waking me at 6 after Josh had left for his 6-mile run. Two or three people came to pick up things. Someone posted a desperate request for boys clothes in size 8, so I went through all of Oliver's clothes and ended up with a bag's worth that will be too small for him soon. I cleaned out the kitchen cabinets and drawers. I also shifted the shelves in the study to make more room for my short story collections. I'm glad I've decided to merge summer and fall. I'd like to make a nonfiction stack as well. 

I just ordered three prepper items: a lavender can opener (I feel nervous not having an extra), a battery-operated fan (Oliver will not sleep without a fan), and three flashlights. I am at peace. 

Today, I've been working on that introduction sheet for Oliver's teachers. I've revised it and added a section on scripts. It looks pretty dense, but I'm hoping it will make their lives easier. If they see it as obnoxious, oh well. I'm trying to be helpful and give them and Oliver the best chance of success. They won't have the benefit of an RBT who is familiar with him this year. I've decided to print and laminate copies for family members as well, including grandparents, aunts, and uncles. Most of them are very much in the dark about Oliver. I don't think any of them even read my blog. We don't really hear from most family members. We're pretty isolated. Most of the time, that's okay, but sometimes, it's lonely or even scary. 

As I was typing that (and more besides), my dad actually called me. I had texted him that we were seeing Oliver's new psychiatrist yesterday, and he asked how that went. He also told me that he has accepted a new job and in November, he and Michelle will be moving back to North Carolina! His job is flexible, so where they live will depend more on Michelle's work in veterinary radiation. Because of the machines she works with, they'll likely end up either in Matthews or Cary, both of which are within two or three hours of us. My dad loves to drive, so I imagine we'll see a lot more of him. Lately, we've only seen each other about twice a year. Our travel is limited of course, both in transportation and in where we can stay. But we do have a guest room! 

Day 7: Friday. August 12, and I've only finished one book this month. Well shameful. 

I'm so tired. I think I've hit an exhaustion wall. I really need a break. Asheville is still two weeks away. But at least Josh will start being home more. My body is tense, my head is heavy, and I haven't done yoga in two nights. 

Last night was rough because for some reason, Oliver didn't go to bed until 9:45. We're used to being in bed ourselves by 8. I slept on the crash pad, and Josh slept on the couch while Oliver hopped and yodeled. When the boys did go to bed, I took a bath and read a story for the magazine. I woke Josh at 10:30. He came to bed and immediately went to sleep. 

Oliver slept through the night and woke up at 6 when we were still in bed. Josh went for his run, and I gave Oliver his bath. I felt so worn out. Josh came back because a storm was building. He worked out, and I finished Oliver's routine. I sat in the study, but I don't know what I did. I haven't looked at magazines in days. 

When Oliver wanted me to sit in my chair and play videos for him, I worked on adapting the introduction sheet for family. I thought, what would they need to know if they had to care for Oliver in an emergency? I made a lot of changes and additions. Getting it down to a front-and-back sheet was tough. It would also be good for a respite care worker if we ever have one again though I can't imagine having the money for that. 

Oliver played outside until the major rain came. Then, he asked to go to his room with me. I brought my book and journal, but it was too dark with the storm. I slept for an hour and a half. Then, I got up, went to the study, and read as much as I could of Arias. I also cooked tricolor pasta for pasta salad and put it in the fridge. 

When Oliver woke up, he'd peed his bed and clothes, so I gave him another bath, helped him dress again, stripped his sheets, and cleaned the new mattress cover. He ate some macaroni and cheese and watched some more videos. I didn't get back to my book. I got a work call, which was a relief. Now, I know the reception I'll get at the event tomorrow. 

Josh came home, and I went to the library for a few minutes, listening to The Graveyard Book in the car. When I got back, I finished making pasta salad, and we had that for dinner. Josh gave me a shoulder massage, which was another big relief. His touch is the most soothing thing in my life. We cuddled on the crash pad until Oliver wanted more macaroni and then a bath. I decided to try to write five pages in my journal, not wanting to miss another day. My cleaning out and organizing frenzy seems to have subsided, but I'm still very tired. I did read more today than I have in, perhaps, two weeks. My tiredness just keeps getting heavier. I feel weighed down. I post depressing things on Facebook. I do it to raise awareness and to be real. It probably makes people uncomfortable. 

I called our property management company today and asked about renewing our lease. They said they'll reach out to the owner and get back to us. Our lease ends at the end of September. I'm afraid we won't be able to renew or we won't be able to afford the new rate. I love this place. Oliver loves this place. I would hate to lose it, and I would have to move...especially in the next month and a half. I hope we hear back soon. 

7:17. Oh, thank God--Oliver is asking to go to bed. Maybe tonight, I'll catch up on sleep.

Stillness & Attention: Week 31.

Days 1-3: Saturday-Monday. The last four days have been a blur. Fifteen-plus people have come to my house to pick up things. I only had contact with two: I waved through the window to the girl who picked up my pink sequin high-heeled boots (too ankle-breaking for me, as I mentioned in my post), and Josh and I carried a ten-year-old telescope out to a woman who is wild about space. A lot of people wanted that telescope. 

I completely cleaned out Oliver's room, giving away all his size 7 school uniforms and tiny hangers (which we, for some reason, still had), throwing away all his wrecked books (keeping only the taped-together Runaway Bunny and ordering new copies of only We Belong Together and It's Time for Bed), giving away his spaceship tent that he never used, giving away his Oliver sleeping bag (to another little Oliver!), giving away his complete puzzles and throwing away the incomplete ones, giving away his Megabloks, and throwing away and giving away some of his toys. 

Josh found another bin of purses, so I went through those. I threw away a couple of very worn ones, kept a couple (hanging up a Tinkerbell messenger bag to be my park bag--it's in view of my loveseat. And my other park bag, which was for years my work bag, ended up in the trash because something sticky melted in it), and put several out with that other tote. One girl took most of the bags. The few she didn't take, I decided to throw away. I ended up with another box of skin- and body-care items I wasn't going to use; that got picked up. I gave away a cooler backpack as we have two. I gave away a lone baby outfit I found in an old tote (and threw away two stained baby blankets I found there). 

I slowly reorganized the big downstairs closet, giving us a lot more floor space and making the shelves more accessible. I gave away some back stock household items to someone who needed them more than we did. I gave away two boxes of flushable wipes that we used during potty training--everybody wanted those!--and an opened bag of Goodnites that Oliver outgrew. I gave away miscellaneous items I found in pretty boxes in my room. I gave away pajamas and a swimsuit cover-up I'd only worn once. I went through my jewelry and gave away some of that including a box of fun rings, which a couple of little girls will be using for dress-up. I gave away still-wrapped but dusty bath bombs. I went through a large stack of magazines that I didn't care to read thoroughly (I'd subscribed to them back when Oliver was shredding magazines to self-soothe...thank goodness that's over), looked at the ones I wanted to look at, found other magazines I didn't want to keep, and donated them all to an artist who will use them for her art. 

Since my little white end tables have arrived, I gave away the little wine stand I'd been using as a side table for my loveseat. We don't drink wine, and Nick bought the stand almost twenty years ago, so I was ready to say goodbye. I also got Josh's help in getting rid of some sadly expired beverages, freeing up cabinet space. What else did I do? I asked Josh to put a couple of things in the attic, including the ugly Rubbermaid tub that had been in the study. I cleaned out a pretty box and started keeping in it pieces that I will use in my next collage. 

When we were at Food Lion on Saturday, I saw a beautiful purple energy drink with planets on it: Alani Nu Energy Cosmic Stardust. It was so pretty that I bought a can to try. I was wired for the whole day! I didn't go to bed until 10:30, and I did a lot of cleaning out and organizing. The drink tasted like candy. I ordered more and subscribed to it. Later, I ordered three other flavors to try. Josh says he'll drink them if I don't like them; he drinks Bang. On Sunday, he shared his Bang Candy Apple energy drink with me. 

We spent two and a half hours at the splash pad on Saturday, so I read a bit of Joyful to Josh. One of the college's VPs was there with his granddaughter, so Josh spoke to him. I'd put pink glitter drops in my sunscreen. I noticed that my shorts were a little too big. Oliver actually drank some Gatorade, and he was eventually willing to come home for ice cream. I began reading A Knot in the Grain to the boys but didn't get far. It's another short story collection!

On Monday night, Josh brought home On the Border as it was a fundraising night for Justice for Our Neighbors. We got Bolder Border Bowls--shrimp for me and portabello for him. Mine was excellent. I hadn't realized that I like black beans. My sense of taste is getting more adventurous. 

Josh had a tiring first day back as faculty, having just finished the Jump Start program. But he'll be coming home an hour earlier, and I'm thankful for that. 

Day 4: Tuesday. I'm so behind on everything except organizing and getting rid of stuff. I did post last week's blog. And I finished my last journal. Now, I'm writing in one I got with birthday money. It's a spiral, which will be so easy to write in. I did read some of Enchanted Living yesterday morning, and I did yoga last night.

I've gotten rid of so much superfluous stuff. I have more work to do. I need to make my goals for the month. But first, how did I do on my July goals? Good question. Not great. I did enjoy magazines. I started a ritual of reading magazines in the study most mornings, and I finished two magazines. I meant to do yoga most days, but I did not succeed. I actually practiced yoga fourteen days. I did do longer sessions though. Another goal was to read eleven books. I ended up reading thirteen. The other part of that goal was to read five collections of short stories, but I only read two. And my goal of catching up with letters? I mailed three of the five letters I meant to send. So I didn't meet that goal, but I made some progress. 

My August goals are a little more specific. Catch up on (meaning mail those three) letters and keep up with letters (meaning promptly reply to any I receive this month). Do twenty sessions of yoga this month, and I plan to listen to The Testaments or another audio book while I practice. I've found that doing yoga in my room before bed is best. Read twelve books, which I'm sure I can do if, of course, I focus (stillness and attention!). Five collections of short stories--it ought to be more. Enjoy magazines--continue my ritual. Organize jewelry: another specific goal in my current vein. Journal five pages twenty-eight days: specific. And spend more quality time with Josh; I'm not sure what this will look like as Oliver will not be in school yet, but Josh will be home more. I do plan to read to the boys more.

I am giving away some of my larger pants today, 5 pair. I'll hang onto the next smaller size for now. I ran a load of laundry and ran the dishwasher. I put away two loads of laundry yesterday. Oliver peed our bed, so we have to change our sheets tonight. Oliver and I have been doing one worksheet a day from his summer packet, even over the weekend. The stack is slowly shrinking. I hadn't realized the sheets were front and back!

I think I'm going to try to make something similar to the Border Bowl at home. I texted Mom, and she gave me advice on spices. I've never cooked something this complex. I'm tempted to go to the store early as we're going to run out of milk. Josh says we can all go to the store when he gets home from work tomorrow. 

I cleaned up the study...to the detriment of the guest room. But I want the study to look nice when I come down in the morning, hopefully well before Oliver wakes up. When Josh got home today, I went up in the attic. I'd never been up there. Someone in the BuyNothing group had asked for plastic bins. I knew we had some, probably full of things we didn't need. The attic was not nearly as junky as I expected, and it was pretty big. It was very hot though. I found two bins already empty. I emptied two more pretty easily. I brought down a few things: Josh's old red winter coat, which I hung in the coat closet (he may need it, or Oliver will wear it soon); some junk like a shoe organizer with no hooks; and my old snow boots, which I posted on the BN group. Katie is picking up the bins tomorrow. I posted my cute navy Disney store jacket and my gray cape as well--one woman is picking them up along with the snow boots. And someone is picking up some yellow sunglasses and pretty scarves I won't wear. 

What else do I want to give away? I really didn't find much in the attic. 

Oliver's replacement board books arrived today. So did my Alani Watermelon Wave Energy drinks. I'll try that flavor tomorrow morning. 

Josh put together my little white tables. I put magazines on one and boxes of pens (and a mermaid box) on the other. They're very cute. Very cheap (about $27--still in that dresser budget!), but surprisingly sturdy. They just popped together. I don't need them to hold much. 

Oliver's psychiatrist is, for some reason, unavailable indefinitely. So we will see a new doctor next week. I hope she will give us her cell phone number as Dr. F did! We are going to ask for crisis meds such as Ativan, just three or four pills a month, for when Oliver starts having destructive meltdowns. I'm really hoping she'll agree. Meds in Ativan's (and Xanax's) family work in about twenty minutes, which could make a massive difference for him and for us during what would normally be a one- to two-hour meltdown. So if you pray or meditate or vibe, keep that request in mind for us. 

I haven't kept up with my five good things each day. I need to pick that up again. 

I decided to give up on Anne Frank's diary and The Awakened Brain for now. I'll check them out again later. I'm going to focus on finishing The Writer's Library. I'm a bit appalled that I did not finish any books last week, and this is not looking like a good reading week so far. But I have been very focused on culling and redistributing the objects in my life. I'm in the mood and have the energy for that, so I'm going with it.

Day 5: Wednesday. I didn't do yoga last night. Instead, I worked on my planner. I spread out on the bedroom floor. I didn't get a lot done, but I set up moods, habits, week 1, week 1 stickers, August events, and one complete Dream board. I was awake until after 10, when I realized I hadn't taken my night meds, which keeps me up. Josh put new sheets on the bed while I was in the shower last night. Bless him. 

I scheduled a Stitch Fix last night. I need some dress pants in a smaller size, and they're hard to find in petite. We'll see if SF comes through. I've decided that, with NoBuy2022 and my reaching fitness goals, I can buy enough items for a capsule wardrobe if I have significant body changes. My current pants are too big. I'll read another book on capsule wardrobes soon; I have one on my rainbow nonfiction shelf. I'm thinking that, at any size, wherever I settle, I'll not need more than two pairs of jeans, two pairs of dress pants, one pair of other pants or leggings, one pair of capris, and one or two pairs of shorts. My tops will still work for a long time. Most of my dresses will also work for a long time. I kept some of my favorite clothes from when I was much littler, so I'll still have those to start from if I get back there. I plan to keep some basics from several sizes in the extra closet in Oliver's room. I'll whittle my current clothes down to the small closet in my room. 

I got up around 5 today. The Watermelon Wave drink was good. I napped a little on the loveseat. Oliver had been lying sideways across our bed. Josh got up and sat with me for a little while and then worked out. I don't know what I did; I didn't read magazines. But Oliver quickly got up, and I did the morning routine. I started going through our many poster tubes while he was in the bath. I threw a couple of tattered posters away and set aside a couple to post. I'm looking for one in particular, a Flavia Amore Dream poster from the early aughts. I want to put it on a door. I found a lot of art in the attic. We just don't have room for all of it. Some I may give away, but some I'd like to keep. 

I moved magazines from the teal ottoman to the side table, so now, I have plenty of room for Oliver's lunchbox chips. I just have to make sure Oliver doesn't realize they're there. I'm so glad I have my big ink drawer now. I need to flush my fountain pens this week. My bottle of pen flush may not last long.

I napped for about an hour in my chair, which surprised me. Oliver played outside and didn't seem to mind. I feel better now. 

I need to revisit my LowBuy plans for next year. I've drafted some of them, and I plan to share them. 

I ordered two try-before-you-buy pairs of pants: black dress pants and lighter Democracy (my favorite brand) jeans, petite in my current size. My Stitch Fix preview showed no dress pants, so I'm not impressed. I'll try these on, and they'll come more quickly anyway. It would be nice to have two pairs of jeans that fit well since I wear jeans almost every day I get dressed. As I reach fitness goals, I'll narrow down my larger clothes to just my favorite pieces to keep. I need those size tags from store racks! I'd like some new black Mary Janes, but I can just wear my old ones or wear my shiny black T-straps if I can't wear my sparkly sequin heels. I'll ease the board into my style! My board meeting is two weeks from tomorrow. Today, I spoke to my therapist (lots of updates) and told her all about the organization. She's going to spread the word to her staff. 

I have a lot of work to do on my living room nest. 

We went to Food Lion, but it was locked up with an alarm sounding and all the lights off! So we went to Walmart to pick up an order of ten twelve packs of 12-ounce grape Gatorade Zero bottles (all Oliver drinks except the occasional mug of milk), which an employee stacked in our trunk. If I'm "prepper" about anything, it's Gatorade. He seems to prefer the smaller bottles, and they're nice for his lunch box. Gatorade has been hard to find since the pandemic started, but we have a good bit now! Even though it was getting late, we ran to another Food Lion. We spent over $60 on ingredients for rice and beans, a couple of things for Josh, and strawberry Popsicles (all fruit, no added sugar!) for Oliver! Gracious. We got home, and I quickly made the dish. It was delicious! We have leftovers, and I'll definitely make it again. 

Josh has moved all his workout gear except our weights into the ottoman in the foyer, so my view in the study continues to improve. I didn't get to spend enough time there today. Hopefully, I'll get more time tomorrow. 

Day 6: Thursday. This week is passing quickly. Oddly, Oliver went back to bed this morning and slept until about 11. I read a bit of Enchanted Living and then focused on The Writer's Library. I later worked on my Dream boards in my planner but didn't finish making them. I did the dishes, ran a load of laundry, cleaned up the kitchen, and put away two baskets of laundry.

I posted a set of pens and pencils and two working book lights. Victoria picked those up. Someone left me a book: A Monster Calls, and it looks rather fascinating. My roses have bloomed fully. I'll take out the overblown ones. If only a few are left, I'll put them in the kitchen. I love buying flowers. I love morning sun in the study.

I completely cleaned the surface of Josh's desk today. No junk, no overflowing teal baskets or white art nouveau planter. He was impressed. And my view from my loveseat is nicer. I just have to file some papers. I threw away and recycled a lot. 

Josh's grandfather made this desk from the wood paneling of an old bank. It's huge and heavy. We've had it with us at our last few homes. 

I brought in the Gatorade with Josh's help. Another box of Gatorade mix just arrived, so we'll keep that in case of shortages. I guess we can pick up the little bottles from Walmart periodically. Oliver broke a glazed blue and white snowflake bowl, so I ordered some bright pink plastic (m- and dw-safe) bowls. Safe for him and cheerful for me. The lunch chip bags came, and I got them into the teal ottoman without Oliver's noticing. Soon, I'll be making his lunches every afternoon again. I hope to spend a lot of time in the study on school days, depending on what Josh feels like doing. Now, he can work at his desk if he needs to, and I'll have a place to sit. And the desk is clean! 

I cleared the fridge of a lot of old kid magnets (that Oliver cares nothing for) and school art. It looks much cleaner, and I have room for new school art now. I need to make a couple of additions to Oliver's introduction sheet. 

After I did the cleaning and brought in the Gatorade, I took a long shower. I used a lot of conditioner and body scrub and shaved my legs. Then, I used leave-in conditioner and brushed out my wild hair perfectly. I think my hair really wants to be curly.

Day 7: Friday. I slept until almost 7:30! That's late for me! I have a lot of reading and writing to catch up on. Today, I'm writing with a Pentel Hybrid Dual Metallic Moon Silver pen, silver with green glitter.

Oliver is still asleep for now, and I hope he sleeps on for a while. I've had my Watermelon Wave drink. Someone has already picked something up: a Melissa & Doug house sound puzzle that Oliver never liked even though he likes sound puzzles at OT. The same woman picked up the cooler backpack before, and she says she uses it every day. That's so great. 

Yesterday, I read a lot of The Writer's Library, but I still have ninety pages to go. I can finish it before I go to the library today. I have several holds ready. I don't think I'll finish reading Arias today. Bless Oliver for sleeping in. I love this light and this quiet. I did do yoga last night, and I finished disc 8 (of 11) of The Testaments. I may actually finish it before it's due! I didn't write my pages in my journal yesterday. I meant to stay up for that and reading, but I didn't. I'm behind on reading for the magazine. Luckily, the stories aren't especially long. I've missed two days of yoga and one day of journaling already this month, so I've got to be diligent. 

I can't believe someone reads my weekly posts and thinks well of me. I guess I mostly write them for myself. 

I ordered a few organizing products. I'm getting a little loose on NoBuy, partly because it's for organization and partly because I've given so much away. 

Oliver peed our bed really bad. I threw away the insurance trash bags. He even got my pillow. The washer is going. I just refilled my BCP. I need to make a GYN appointment for more refills. I hope I can still get refills; the BCP really helps with my endometriosis. Thank God Josh already got a vasectomy. 

I went through another size of pants. I kept a pair of shorts, two pairs of jeans, and a pair of black jeans. I gave away a pair of jeans and a pair of long shorts. I'll hang up the others in the extra closet. 

I have a teetering stack of books for 2nd and Charles in the study. I need to get that out of there, the next step in improving my view. 

Some time, I'll start reading the Bible again. Time has almost caught up to me (I'm somewhere in August), so I'll have to read every day. Maybe I should do that in the study...so it's rather depressing material for that happy place. Maybe once I reach the New Testament, I'll do that. 

I have the second load of laundry (also sheets, as he also peed his own bed) in the dryer. I still need to do the dishes and put away laundry. I finished The Writer's Library! Book #1 for August. A bit late: it's already August 5. Oh well. It was a highly worthwhile book even though I took two weeks to read it. I'll try to read Arias and something else this weekend. Maybe Pallbearer's Club? I read Paul Tremblay's other novels quickly. 

So it turned out that I had a lot of Amazon points this month! I decided to get a few items I've been wanting. My computer (a Chromebook) doesn't have a DVD drive and doesn't support an external drive, so I don't really have a way to enjoy my excellent collection of favorite DVDs. I'd like to watch movies more. So I ordered a purple portable DVD player and a case and a belt pack for my CD player (so I can more easily listen to books while I do chores)--for free! I'll be able to watch movies in Asheville! I'm very excited. And the player is purple: functional and pretty, always the best. Now, where can I keep it safe from Oliver's unpredictable rages?

I put away the subscription household items that arrived. We have back stock now. I subscribed to toothpaste for Josh and Oliver; having only one of something for them makes me nervous. I also ordered more prenatal vitamins for myself--no, I'm definitely not pregnant; I just feel better when I take them. 

My jeans came! They're a lighter denim than my other pair. They'll probably fit for a long time. 

I'm currently stuck with Bert and Ernie clips. But soon, I'll go to the library. I'll get in the car and leave the house for twenty minutes. I will go to a book place. I will walk out with books. It'll be great. 

Stillness & Attention: Week 30.

Day 1: Saturday. I didn't wake up until 7:30! When I came downstairs, Josh was working out. I settled on my loveseat and read magazines. When Oliver woke up, Josh kindly took over the morning routine, so I read some more. Then, I cleaned and organized the top of my desk. Once again, it will still look cluttered to most people--I should have taken a before photo. But we got a bouquet of pink and purple flowers at the grocery store. 

We got a few more hoarding items: another 2.5 gallons of water, some more beans, canned tomatoes, brown sugar, and a canister of oatmeal. And more Gatorade--the store did have some! We also got blueberries, strawberries, grapes, and oranges as we're trying to eat more fruit. I got everything to make pasta salad soon. 

Today, the heat index was 105. We spent two hours at the splash pad. I applied and reapplied a lot of sunscreen, and I put blue glitter drops in it just because I felt like sparkling. I read a little more of Joyful to Josh though I don't think he's very interested. Josh and I each got in the water (lukewarm) to cool off. It helped for a few minutes. I had the idea to offer ice cream to Oliver, and it worked! So we went to Cold Stone Creamery. Oliver ate vanilla ice cream with chocolate chips. I had a small vanilla shake; I'd forgotten how delicious those were. 

We took showers, and I put on my favorite purple-striped pajamas. I've been writing with Van Dieman's Underwater Parrot Fish ink today. The photo doesn't show the blue shimmer well. It's similar to Diamine's Inkvent Blue Peppermint; they're two of my favorites.

I did twenty-five minutes of yoga in our room, and I felt better for it. I placed another purchase request with the library for a somewhat obscure collection of short stories. I've made four or five requests that are not yet on order, but the library has eventually ordered my requests every time in the past.

Day 2: Sunday. Today, I'm writing with Van Dieman's Night Aurora Australis, a shimmering burgundy. 

Oliver woke up at 2 this morning. Josh got him to stay in our bed until 4. I got up at 6 so Josh could go on his run. I settled in on the loveseat to read magazines. Oliver looked exhausted. I asked if he wanted to sit down, and he snuggled down beside me and fell asleep. We stayed that way until Josh got back (except for a quick bathroom break as I did not want Oliver to wet my loveseat). That's my secretary desk with jewel drawer pulls, my dotted bin full of library books, my stack of books waiting to go to 2nd & Charles, and my bookcase with short story collections and my pens. The two pink boxes contain rubber stamps, and the Ziplocs hold empty pens I'm sending to Terracycle. It's a cluttered corner, but I love everything in it. The study is becoming my favorite room.

When Josh got home, he built the little pink bookcase. It is indeed quite cheap (the back piece broke, so we left it off), but it is a pretty color. It has room for more books than my cabinet did, so I don't have to be so selective! Silver lining. I'll add more favorites soon. 

I've finished two books today, Unless It Moves the Human Heart and Kaleidoscope. Human Heart was brief and quite good. Kaleidoscope was a series of connected tales. I read it aloud to the boys. I'm counting it as my second short story collection. It was rather sad, especially for a young readers book, but I liked it. I gave both books four stars. I think Bruce would like Kaleidoscope. Actually, I think he'd like both books. Maybe for Christmas, we could give each other books we think the other ought to read. I doubt we'll be done with our birthday books yet since we've only read one!

I'd like to own all of Ada Limon's books. I do own Sharks in the Rivers and The Carrying. I've been on the holds list for The Hurting Kind for more than a month. I wish I could just buy it. I have Bright Dead Things checked out, but I'd like to have it in my home library. I've requested that the library purchase Lucky Wreck and This Big Fake World--no library in the Cardinal system has them! I'm hoping the library will buy them since she is now the US Poet Laureate. I'm excited that the USPL was already a favorite of mine! Well, eventually, I'll own all of her books.

Josh will have a late day on Friday because of the end-of-program party and clean-up. I hope I'll still get to make a quick trip to the library before it closes. 

We decided to say no to going to the park or splash pad today. It's even hotter than it was yesterday. Oliver seems to accept it and doesn't want to play outside. I decided to cancel the next three OT appointments. Getting myself and Oliver ready and out the door for OT alone is just too hard when he tends to melt down. In a few weeks, Josh should be able to take him, or we can take him together. I feel enormous relief over this decision. If we end up losing our spot, I won't be terribly concerned as we've considered discontinuing OT anyway. But his therapist thinks it will work out.  Josh and I cuddled on the crash pad for a little while. Oliver doesn't seem to mind our doing that. I plan to read A Knot in the Grain and Other Stories to the boys next. It's by my dear Robin McKinley, and it's another short story collection! 

Day 3: Monday. I did almost everything I wanted to do last night. I finished Bright Dead Things (three books for the day and five books for the week! I'm actually on track!), did the dishes, did twenty-six minutes of yoga, listened to The Testaments while I did yoga, took a shower, and read a story for the magazine. 

Today, I woke up before 6. Oliver hadn't woken up at all yet (he slept through the night!), and Josh was still asleep. I thought about going to the study, but I decided to go back to sleep for about an hour. I came downstairs, and Oliver was in the bath. Josh was working out in the bathroom. Josh went up to get ready, and I finished Oliver's morning routine. After Josh left for work, I managed a bit of a nap in the study (oh yes) while Oliver snacked, and I read a few magazine articles, which made me feel good about the day. I'm nearly done with the spring issue of Bella Grace. 

Bruce and I probably won't see each other for a couple of weeks. This week, Josh was his party. Next week, Bruce's family is visiting. But we should see each other the next week. And for the week after that...I bought tickets for us to see the summer teen production of Into the Woods at Cape Fear Regional Theatre! Is that breaking NoBuy? I'm thinking not because it's a gift to Bruce, it's an experience, and it's supporting local arts. You decide. I'm allowing it. CFRT is literally down the street from me, and I've lived within fifteen minutes of it for almost eleven years...yet I've never attended a show there. I will finally remedy that. I'm quite excited. And I'm determined that next season, we will go there to see Matilda. We had tickets to Matilda at DPAC but couldn't go for some reason, so we'll make up for that. 

I started reading The Writer's Library, a book I've been excited to read for weeks. Yes, it's late, and I need to return it on Friday. Oddly enough, I've only heard of a few of the writers the book features. But already, I've added quite a few books to my TBR list and my NoBuy list. I'll be checking the library eventually. I'm interested in the writers doing the interviews and in the writers they discuss. The first writer, Jonathan Lethem, is into sci-fi, so that's quite interesting. I really need to read more Philip K. Dick. Okay, I spent 99 cents on a Kindle collection of PKD's short stories. I may have also spent $1.99 on a memoir, Making Toast, by Roger Rosenblatt, the author of Unless It Moves the Human Heart. Yes, I could have checked the library. These were little cheats. They were cheap and quick impulse buys. But! I figure I can make up for it by using Amazon points for something we need instead of something I want. I'll do that. But one of the major reasons I'm doing NoBuy2022 is to learn how to wait. I need to remember that. That's part of stillness and attention. 

Speaking of waiting, I'm trying not to place any new holds for a while. I have so many books to read. I have books on my NoBuy list, books on my GoodReads to-read list, and books in my phone's photos. They're not going to disappear. One new hold is ready: a collection of Catherynne M. Valente's poetry. That's sure to be fascinating, and I always want to be in the middle of a book of poems. I'll check out those Alan Michael Parker books I don't have on Friday. I made an exciting discovery the other night: I own a Carmen Jimenez Smith book I haven't read! She's one of my favorite poets. I started the book, The City She Was, today. 

I did nap in my chair earlier. I've been very sleepy and hungry today, and I've had a headache. Edit: I realized later that I've cut out caffeine, which explains how I've been feeling. 

I haven't read enough today. I did catch up on some blogging; I've been terribly behind. I was relieved to realize that I'm not as behind on reading for the magazine as I thought I was. Suddenly, my arms are peeling from that sunburn a week ago. 

I never changed my calendar to July. I want to see the new Kinuko Y. Craft art. I did do the dishes, wash my hair, write in my journal, and clean out a container on Josh's desk today. I'm still trying to beautify the study. I've put up a couple more pretty things: two antique postcards and a sheet of blue cardstock on which Bruce and I wrote water-related words in blue and green marker at work back when I was obsessed with water (lithium will do that to you). 

Day 4: Tuesday. No OT today! Thank goodness. I just finished the spring issue of Bella Grace. I also read an article from Oh Reader and found another book I want to read. I can't wait to subscribe to the magazine. I want to subscribe to one other magazine next year...In Her Studio? Poets & Writers? Where Women Create? I'll look at some issues when I next go to Barnes. 

Oliver woke up around 2. Around 3, he was in our bed, taking up my space. So I moved to his bed. At some point, Josh got in Oliver's bed with me. Oliver slept past 9, so I had a nice morning. He had quite an accident, but his Good Nite saved our bed. After I bathed Oliver, I did a little yoga in the bathroom. I'll do a full session later.

The year is passing rather quickly. I'm relieved that the summer is moving quickly. I'm a little nervous about the new school year...will Oliver have the same teacher? Will he adjust easily? He asked for cookies today, and I took the opportunity to do a summer worksheet with him and then give him the cookies. If I do that every weekday, we should finish the packet in time. Yes, he eats cookies every day if we have them. I'm not sure what I'll use when we're out of cookies. He is crazy about nabs right now. He was barely aware of the worksheet, and it was all hand-over-hand, but at least he wasn't resistant. I did get him to say some of the alphabet. I keep telling myself that most of the people at school will already know and like Oliver, and he'll already know the place and most of the people. No one will expect him to be perfect. He's continued to do better with getting dressed: getting his feet into the two legs of his underwear and shorts, getting his shirt on front-side-front. I still have to hold everything out for him and orient it, but I didn't think he'd get this far. 

My friend at the organization for which I'm on the board of directors called me. We talked about some ideas for an upcoming event. I really like her. I thought more about the ideas later, and I really want to connect the organization (which serves adults with disabilities) with Oliver's school. They could really serve each other. So I texted my friend and sent a couple of E-mails to the school admin. I hope that works out. Josh had an orientation shift during the fun run event in a couple of weeks, but he was able to switch shifts, so we'll all be able to go for most of it. 

I've done very little reading today, alas. But I did catch up on blogging. I need to read for the magazine before I read anything else, and I need to do yoga. I can feel the tension creeping through me when I don't do yoga. I'm already hoping for a quiet morning tomorrow. I hope to do more reading and more organizing tomorrow too. 

Day 5: Wednesday. I didn't do everything I wanted to do today. I didn't put away laundry, do much reading, or work on organizing (the surface of) Josh's desk. I did, however, make pasta salad, unload the dishwasher, load the dishwasher, run a load of laundry, read a few magazine articles, read a bit from my library books, write enough, and do yoga. Most notably, I went through all my stickers and my craft drawers in the closet, cleaned out and reorganized my jam-packed-for-years craft trunk, threw away a ton of damaged or old supplies, found art to put up, and put together a giant donation box of craft supplies that someone picked up in the evening. I also went through all my stationery and put together a stationery donation box I plan to post tomorrow. 

I put up a piece of Josephine Wall art and a piece of Susan Branch art (from calendars--I save all my calendars but went through them today and only kept the pages I want) in the study--still trying to beautify the room as much as I can. I also pinned up a self-portrait I painted when I was sixteen; I found it in that trunk! The watercolor shows no talent, but I still like it. 

Oliver slept until 10, so I had a very nice morning to myself. I found some old ballons in my trunk. I blew up a tiny one, Josh blew up a bigger one during his lunch break, and Oliver and I played with them. Oliver seemed content to hang around or lounge in the bath while I worked on my projects. He usually seems happily if I'm in the middle of something active rather than sitting still reading or scribbling.

I've had a good couple of days, productive and happy.

Day 6: Thursday. Oliver did not sleep in today. We were all up at 5. Josh went for his run while Oliver and I did the morning routine. I was freezing, so I left the door to the bathroom open and curled under two blankets on the guest bed until Oliver said, "You [I] wanna get out [of the bath]." Then, while he snacked and played with his sheet protector (I just gave him the last fresh one we have--oh dear...I ordered more, but they won't be here until late on Friday), I wrote my to-do list (ambitious), scribbled, and read magazines. I finished the summer issue of Oh Reader! I watered my flowers, which are still doing pretty well. 

I refilled my pen with Van Dieman's Underwater Sea Shell ink, which is a lovely shimmering peachy orange, but some of the turquoise Parrot Fish ink remained. The result was a beautiful sea green with lavender shimmer. Unfortunately, though, the pen clogged and stopped writing. I need to do better about cleaning my pens. I ordered a bottle of Monteverde pen flush, which I consider a necessity as three or four of my pens have stopped writing. Again, yes, I need to do better about cleaning my pens between fills. The color was quite pretty though.

Ah, yes--before I did that, I noticed that, in sunlight, Aurora Australis has a bit of green sheen! I think I caught it in this photo. Those darker bits are green. Gorgeous. This swatch shows it better. 

The same girl who got the craft supplies is picking up the stationery. She'll know my house well. 

The OT order got approved, so that bill is covered! The school supply bill did not get covered, so I spent time reordering all of that. It turned out to be about $150 as I predicted, not counting housekeeping items like bleach wipes that we'll get later. I got Oliver Twistable crayons in addition to regular ones--I thought the plastic barrels might be less of a sensory annoyance. I also looked at lamps. We're going to need a third lamp in the living room when it starts to get dark earlier. I found one that takes five bulbs and has no other glass. We can anchor it behind the teal table, where Oliver will be less likely to tip it. 

I spent more time on The Writer's Library, which I'll try to finish tomorrow. 

Day 7: Friday. I'm really feeling pretty grand. I woke up a little before 5. Josh got paid today! He got paid more than I expected, so I paid down some debt, and we have some money in savings and some money in checking! We haven't been there for a while. I wrote the check to CFNC, and Josh signed it. I put it in the mail; we've paid off his undergraduate student loans. 

I did do yoga and listen to The Testaments last night. Now, it's 11:09, and I'm not even halfway through The Writer's Library. So I won't finish and return it today. I skipped reading magazines this morning. The book is quite good, and I'm constantly looking up titles that I want to read. 

I started another load of dark laundry. I wrote a poem called "Dark Laundry" not long ago. I loaded and ran the dishwasher.

I wrote down quotations from Unless It Moves the Human Heart, so it's ready to go back to the library. I put up three of my old (teenage years) collages in the study. I'm amazed at how well they've held up! I taped a few spots. Josh has a lot of pennants and hats up on that side, so I'm answering that with my own colorful busyness. I want the study to be a room for creative thought and creative absorption. I'd like to make more collages. 

I've never thoughts about space this much before, not since I was unpacking the house. Oh, I hope we don't have to move for years and years. I've cleaned out my purses and bags. I took out several shopping bags to put in the car. I took out a purse and a few tote bags and posted them on the BuyNothing group. That same girl came back again! Just one bag remains. 

Oh dear. Oliver wet our bed, and he got the duvet. Much laundry is ahead of me.

Stillness & Attention: Week 29.

Day 1: Saturday. I finally finished The Strange Case of the Alchemist's Daughter. Bizarre and good. Long! The second book, which I've checked out, is much longer. So I've now read two books this week. I've (barely) started Plenty (a memoir that is already late) and Smoke: Poems by Dorianne Laux. As usual, I'm quite behind on library books. I'm writing with Diamine Mystique today. 

We got groceries this morning. I bought green apples and caramel sauce to try to sneak some more nutrition into Oliver's diet. He's not going for it. Josh and I like them though. We bought a few more hoarding items: sticks of butter for the freezer, syrup (the pancake mix came), 2.5 gallons of water, shell pasta and Velveeta sauce, and a lot more Gatorade Zero. Amazon doesn't have the Gatorade mix right now, and I don't know how we'd get Oliver to drink anything else.

The thunder is loud. We sat in the study for a while and watched the rain. I read a tale from Kaleidoscope and started a second before Oliver wanted to watch a video. He hasn't had an accident so far today. He also didn't wet his bed or ours. I ended up sleeping in Oliver's bed with Josh from 4:30 to 6:30 this morning--musical beds. I came downstairs and settled on my loveseat. Josh soon came down, sat with me a while, and then worked out. I read a couple of articles from Bella Grace. I want to spend some time reading beautiful magazines in the study each morning. That seems like a great way to start the day. 

I did yoga and read a dragon story for the magazine. The stories are really flowing in steadily. I wrote down my gratitude list for today and turned it into a poem. 

Day 2: Sunday. Today, Josh said, "When you're in a good mood, I can handle things. When you're not, I'm pretty much destroyed." 

I slept fitfully but managed until 6. I went down to my loveseat and did nothing. Josh came down at 7 to sit with me. Oliver came down at 8. Josh went to run, so I took care of Oliver's morning routine. I read a couple of articles from Oh Reader. I look forward to subscribing to the magazine next year. I'm writing today with Diamine Lilac Satin ink.

My Pipsticks stickers came! They're mostly travel-themed. I probably won't do much more traveling in my life, but I do have memories of some wonderful trips. We are going on a little weekend trip to Asheville next month for Josh's half-marathon! I'm really looking forward to that since we're not getting a weekend off this month. 

I made a big batch of vegetable fried rice with brown rice, riced cauliflower, carrots, broccoli, sugar snap peas, sweet peas, fire-roasted corn, baby corn, and red peppers. I ate, and I cleaned up the kitchen. 

Well, we ended up at the splash pad for four hours. We all got burned despite sunscreen. The latter two hours were pretty miserable. We only got Oliver to hydrate a little because the ice cream truck came and we got him a Popsicle. I did read a good forty pages of Joyful to Josh. He says most of it, like the aesthetics of energy and abundance, don't apply to him. Hmm. 

I've continued reading for the magazine, and the stories have continued to roll in. I seem to be the only second reader rating them right now; where is everyone? We changed our sheets, so that will be nice tonight. And my fuzzy pink (alas, more mauve than they appeared) pillows with silver stars and snowflakes arrived as did my turquoise and gold marbled tray.

Day 3: Monday. July 18. More than halfway through the month. I'm sitting in the sunshine of the study, curled up on my pink velvet loveseat with one foot on my teal velvet ottoman. I just finished reading a few articles from Oh Reader and Bella Grace. Some of the TBR books are on my list. I'd like to finish at least a couple of good magazines this month. 

This morning, I woke around 6. Josh was down here working out. I ended up sleeping for another forty-five minutes. I'm nervous about Oliver's blood work today. He didn't have any accidents over the weekend despite the four hours at the splash pad. 

I've only read one collection of short stories this month...definitely not up to my goal. I'll have to be more focused in August and September. It will get easier because more of my library books will be collections. Right now, I'm just so behind. I'll return as many books as I can on Friday. I gave up on Plenty and 13 Stories last week--I'll get back to them. 

I see big trees with puffs of white blossoms. I wonder what they are. The gray ottoman came and is now under the coats. Our new body pillow arrived, and it is so nice. I moved the old one to Oliver's crash pad. 

This is the last full week of the program Josh is coordinating. Next week, he'll mostly be wrapping up, making reports, giving presentations, and planning a celebration. He thinks he'll do this again next summer. I have mixed feelings, but it hasn't been as hard as I thought it might be. Next summer, we can pay down some more debt, build up savings, and buy a new dresser. If the summer job continues, we can eventually buy a second car...though Josh does like having only one car. 

I'm thinking about bringing some of my snowflake ornaments back out. I've loved snowflakes since I was twelve, all year. People have given me snowflake ornaments, pajamas, blankets, and other objects as gifts. I used to hang snowflakes all over my house. 

Oliver slept until 9:30--how kind! While he was in the bath, I took almost everything out of my makeup bag. I put in some favorite lipsticks and glosses. I want to create a grab-in-case-of-fire bag of my favorite makeup. I found a Hard Candy palette I'd completely forgotten. I want to have all my basics in there too, including back-up foundation, eye shadow primer, and mascara. 

Well, I got through quite a project today. I cleaned out and reorganized all my makeup. I got all my favorite and essential makeup (with extras) into my makeup bag, and I can actually see what's in the bag. I threw away old makeup and makeup that I've sampled but probably won't ever use. I organized all my palettes vertically so I can see them. I cleaned out and organized my backstock bin--everything in labeled Ziplocs. I put together a box of unused makeup that I wasn't going to use and posted it on the local BuyNothing group--someone picked it up within thirty minutes. Now, someone gets to enjoy that great makeup! Next stop: skincare. I used to have makeup subscriptions, so I have a lot of products I didn't choose. 

I read two more stories for the magazine. 

I gave Oliver two clonidine over an hour before his appointment for blood work. He was sleepy but definitely not sedated enough. We restrained him and managed a finger stick. Glucose and hemoglobin are normal. Back at home, he took a bath and a nap. I lay down with him for a while and then finished my makeup project. 

I'm writing with Van Dieman's Night Shooting Star ink today. It's dark blue with red sheen and gold shimmer.

Day 4: Tuesday. Today was a nightmare. Oliver had a massive meltdown. The day started poorly. I didn't get any time to myself in the morning because Oliver had a nightmare while Josh was out running. I had just come downstairs when I heard Oliver screaming, "Daddy!" I ran upstairs and tried to comfort Oliver, but he was inconsolable. He kept asking for Josh, apparently having lost him in a dream and being unable to shake the nightmare. I called Josh, thinking his voice might help. But Josh ended up coming home. After seeing Josh, Oliver calmed down and took a bath. Josh managed to finish his run. We took Josh to work as Oliver had OT in the afternoon. Oliver insisted on a second bath. He woke Josh up at 2 a.m. Our lives are kind of ridiculous. 

I didn't do yoga. I didn't read--at all, not even for the magazine. I didn't write five pages or read aloud or read poems. Just before I needed to get ready for OT, Oliver wanted to watch a fuel tanker song video--which doesn't exist. A meltdown of one to two hours followed. He broke the router, threw down a small shelf of magazines, trashed a lamp, broke the porcelain violets bowl my dad gave my mom while they were dating, pulled down five pieces of art, broke two frames, broke one sheet of glass, dumped all my makeup brushes, poured milk on the floor, threw a half-full diet soda can across the kitchen, spilled another liquid I didn't even identify, threw items off a bookshelf, and destroyed my pretty little favorite books cabinet. I barely managed to clean up the glass and the milk. He was so quick. He screamed most of the time. Our Internet, of course, went out, so I couldn't play any of the videos he demanded on his tablet. He yanked on my clothes and hands but didn't actually hurt me. I gave him two clonidine, but it's too slow-acting to be helpful. 

Of course, I had had to ask Josh to call Oliver's therapist and cancel our appointment. Josh said we could pick him up for an hour, but Oliver didn't warm to this idea for some time. When he started to come out of his rage, he looked around the ransacked guest room and said, "What did you do?"

I said, "You broke a lot of things."

We picked up Josh, who fixed the router and tried to clean up. I sat on the couch, staring at nothing. Oliver had a good snack. We declined giving him ice cream. I felt completely disconnected from myself and my life. Nothing seemed to matter. I was dissociated. Numb. Josh went back to work. I don't know what I did. Eventually, I got Oliver ready for bed.

I did do one good thing before the day got so bad. I rearranged my nonfiction bookcase, which I see from my loveseat, in rainbow order. It looks much prettier.

Day 5: Wednesday. Last night, I took a shower and then immediately took a bath, but the hot water hurt my sunburned arms. Josh came to our room after Oliver was asleep, and Josh gave me back tickles. I tried to focus on his touch. I couldn't read for myself or for the magazine. I felt totally disconnected from myself. But tickles, Xanax, and melatonin helped me go to sleep.

I woke up at 4 a.m. to Oliver spreading out on our bed. Josh wasn't in bed, so I went to look for him. He was asleep in Oliver's bed. LOL. So I crawled into Oliver's bed with Josh and slept for another two hours. When I woke up, Josh was downstairs working out. I thought I might get some quiet time to talk to Josh or read a magazine before Oliver woke up, but he got up immediately after I did. So I gave him his morning relaxation bath and got him ready for the day. 

I tried to spend time in my study, but Oliver kept asking for another bath. The thought of sitting in the freezing bathroom for another forty-five minutes was almost unbearable, but he did take a second bath before 9:30 a.m. I went back to my loveseat after the bath and the redressing process. Oliver stood still, staring at me, for thirty minutes while I tried to write. So I asked him to sit down, covered him with a blanket, and read aloud Dorianne Laux poems from Smoke until my mother called to check on me. As I'd told Bruce, I told her that yes, I must be feeling better because I felt unhappy rather than dissociated. 

The day passed fairly quickly. I cleaned out my bin of skincare products and posted on the local BuyNothing group a photo of a box of moisturizers, masks, and serums that I'm just not going to use. Someone picked it up within fifteen minutes. I wrote some more and tried to catch up on blogging from last week. Josh came home briefly for lunch, and I sat with his legs across my lap on the couch. We both felt like napping. Oliver continued to ask for a bath, but somehow, when Josh says no, he stops. When I say no, he asks over and over again until I'm about to lose my mind. I say exactly what Josh says, but it doesn't work. 

When Josh got home, I gave Oliver his actual bath (with bathing) and got him ready for bed. We realized that we'd forgotten to give him his night meds, so the night extended. Someone knocked on the door, and Josh answered to find a delivery guy with an Edible Arrangement addressed to us. It was from "a friend," and the note wished us a better day. I appreciated the acknowledgement and kindness. I also appreciated the chocolate-covered strawberries while Josh ate a pineapple flower. I hope we might convince Oliver to eat some cantaloupe or honeydew, but that's unlikely. It's good timing because I decided today that I'm going to try to eat more fruit even though I'm watching calories. 

Day 6: Thursday. Starting with Sunday's sunbake, this hasn't been an easy week. But Oliver slept in a bit today, so I got some quiet morning time. He also did a little better with getting dressed; maybe he's starting to get that. I haven't finished any books this calendar week. 

Day 7: Friday. Last night, I read from about 7 to 9 and finally caught up on reading for the magazine. This morning, I slept a little on my loveseat and then did nothing for a while (dolce far niente). I read two articles from Bella Grace and two articles from Oh Reader. I'm working on a donation box of craft and stationery supplies. 

I found a small pink bookcase on sale for $36 and ordered it to replace the book cabinet Oliver wrecked. It'll be cheap, but I won't be too upset if Oliver breaks it. And it's pink. I found a revolving bookcase that I'd really like to get next year. 

I made a stack of priority library books: books that are or will soon be late and books that someone is likely to put on hold. Then, I finished reading Smoke (poems) and read the graphic novel The Call of Cthulhu. So I've finished two books today! I started Unless It Moves the Human Heart, a book on writing and teaching. And I wrote "Lightning Bug," my first real love poem to Oliver. I'm happy with it. Josh said it captures what it's like to be Oliver's parent. 

I went to the library, returned some books, and picked up holds. I need to read about five books a week as that's how many I'm checking out! I listened to The Graveyard Book in the car. Bruce and I spent a couple of hours at Barnes, which is in the middle of major renovation. Records are in the cafe. Sections are broken up and moved. Books are double-stacked in rented crates. I feel bad for the booksellers trying to find anything. But exploring the changed bookstore was fun. We spent a lot of time in poetry and lit crit. I took photos of a lot of books I want to check for at the library.