I am going through a crisis of mind, heart, and soul.
I think of the lyrics to "Javert's Suicide" from Les Miserables.
"And must I now begin to doubt
Who never doubted all these years?"
Incidentally, I once posted (other) lyrics from this song, and no was said, "Oh, no, are you suicidal?" (I was).
Most people of faith would invalidate me, my marriage, my family: adulterous, illegitimate. Queer people: unfit to exist. How can I reconcile that?
The very thought of church almost gives me a panic attack. Parts of the Bible nauseate me. So maybe they are right.
This is intensely personal and intensely painful, and I am alone with it. No one know about this. I cannot talk to anyone about it without drawing judgment or pity. I think of Styx's "Show Me the Way."
"I feel this empty place inside
So afraid that I've lost my faith."
I haven't felt this way since I was twelve. Through everything, faith was the nucleus of every cell. Now, I feel my cells starting to die.
"And my thoughts fly apart."
"I am reaching, but I fall."
No comments:
Post a Comment