Stark Intensity.

I don't know what entered my mind when I read these words or what made me want to respond. Not much gives me the experience of stark intensity. I have to be completely absorbed, and the experience has to come at me like the glint on a knife.

• Seeing the chandelier rise up from the stage in Phantom. It affects me that way every time!
• Reading The Book of Lost Things. It had me alert and sometimes mortified. It was a great book.
• Giving birth. I was completely tuned into my body and Oliver's. The pain made me focus harder.
• Getting a massage (usually from Josh). That touch is so important that the rest of me seems to back away.
• Thirst. I take a medication that makes me truly mad with thirst. The arrival of water is just as intense a relief.

Color Coding.

I love color coding. Seeing a group of objects in shades of one color is incredibly soothing and satisfying for me. I also like assigning colors to ideas and topics.

When I write in my journal, I use the same color pen all day. It's easier to look back and find something that way.

I have Oliver's medical and therapy records in teal file folders in purple hanging files. I don't like having to dig through those, but the colors help.

In college, I didn't separate my notes. I had one big spiral notebook, and I used a different color pen for each class I was taking. When I studied for music appreciation class, I knew I just needed to study all the green notes, never minding the colors between.

I like to shelve my books according to color. It's beautiful, especially the purples and pinks.

Building and Maintaining an Adult Friendship.

Bruce and I are quite different in the ways we've experienced friendship. He makes friends easily and likes almost everyone with little effort. I had a pocket of close friends until my family and I moved when I was 12. My best friend was Keely. I couldn't make new friends until I was 14 and met Melissa. She and I got through a lot together during our teen and early adult years.

Bruce came to a new state to teach. I lived far from my friends. Bruce and I met, and we helped each other at work. I knew that an adult friendship, particularly one that included me, would be quite different. These are some of the steps I learned.

• Recognize the investment. Bruce was relaxed and happy about the whole deal while I was making myself crazy, believing myself incapable of managing another relationship. We both had to realize that it was going to be hard work (a least for a time).
• Decide on a level of risk. Investing that much is always a risk. I decided to go all in and see what happened. 
• Build up experiences. We went to movies and regional shows. Every little shared experience, like examining all the pens at Staples, strengthened our bond. 
• Get the secrets over with. I think Bruce knows every bad thing I've done. He's heard most of my stories. He claims to have no secrets. Hmm.
• Read together. For the first year or so, we read books together. I think we read 5 or 6 and discussed them as we went. It was our tiny book club. This brought up a lot of ideas we never would have discussed otherwise.
• Release your sense of humor. I think we've merged on what we find funny, and we can make each other laugh pretty easily. 
• Hug. Bruce a master hugger. I'm sure that made us closer more quickly. 
• Schedule. Bruce didn't like this at first, but with work and family, it was practical. For me, it was imperative know when we would see each other again. Bruce has embraced the scheduling! It makes me feel much more secure.

I'm glad I tried all this and learned from it. It has gotten a lot easier.

The Kind of Reader I Should Be.

I love characters that authors describe as voracious readers. What a great compliment. I think I've been voracious in my thoughts if not in practice.

But reading is a vital practice for me. I haven't been a very confident reader--I read too slowly, I'll never get through that long book, the language may be over my head, this book may take all my attention and distract me from all else. These doubts haven't done anything for me, so it's probably time to get rid of them and focus instead on being a strong reader: adventurous, curious, brave, attentive.

• Attentive: I usually have this one. Maybe I have too much--I reread lines and paragraphs to make sure I got everything. I need at least a little time in a quiet reading environment.
• Curious: I get curious looking at new release bays at the library. I need to roam Barnes more and check GoodReads more often.
• Adventurous: a challenging book should be fun.
• Brave: no more worrying about whether I'm a strong enough reader. I'll get stronger, especially if I'm sharpening my mind on a challenging book.

Loving Gold Too.

I've always loved silver. I thought of gold as my mother's signature tone. She seemed like a princess from a book, a little golden light always with her.

Gold seemed warm while silver had a chill like stars. Growing up, I rarely wore major jewelry. I would wear one simple necklace (a choker with shining hot pink beads from my mother...a tiny silver oval locket from my boyfriend at the time) every day. I wore an Irish wedding band for a long time. My great grandmother gave me a silver and turquoise owl ring.

But ust in the last few years, I've started loving gold too. Interestingly enough, Mom now primarily wears silver or white gold! Maybe this representes other changes we've both made or experienced. Several of my necklaces, including the one I wear most days, are gold tone. I love certain Betsey Johnson necklaces especially, and most of those are gold tone.

My metals are mixed, hanging together from hooks and knobs in my room, and they both shine.

Stories about Hair.

My hair has been every length, from all the way down my back to a pixie cut. It's been natural brown and reddish brown and dyed red and black.

My pixie cut and dark dye were my most extreme change. I was 23. Terrible things had happened. I'd said I'd never dye my hair, but the world was different. I needed to be different. I'd always wondered if I could pull off a pixie anyway.

Cutting hair in response to experiences wasn't new. I cut my hair shoulder-length when I was 18 over a break-up. But it was more than just some break-up, and I knew I had to be a new person to live past it. My lovely Melissa was there, encouraging me both about the hair and the life.

I cut my hair into a bob before Josh retruned from the army with a medical discharge. Our lives were not going to be what I'd imagined and accepted. I wanted Josh to see I'd changed, that I was changing with him.

But I actually feel most like myself with long hair, even if it's frizzy or unhealthy. I've had a few perms, and I do love curls, so that may happen again someday.

Exchanging Books.

I've thought it would be interesting for Josh and I to choosing books the other should read over the next year. I like the idea, but he might choose books that are too difficult or disturbing for me, and he might not like what I choose either. But I guess that branching out is the point. Books could shape one's mind and refine a personality, challenge the reader, or simply help the reader better understand the other person. 

Here are my ideas for Josh:

1. Dangerous Angels
2. The Good Earth
3. The Sugar Queen
4. How I Live Now
5. Jane Eyre
6. Wuthering Heights
7. Writing down the Bones
8. Ghost Girl 
9. 5 Love Languages
10. Living a Beautiful Life

This is a pretty good start. 10 might be good for a year the first time; we'd still have plenty of time for our own books. Just for fun, I'll ask Josh which books he would choose for me.