Nourish/Challenge: Week 23.

I went to a meeting with the new supervisor for Oliver's new therapy tech. The new supervisor seemed on top of things. I was impressed that she wore a pink blazer and linen khakis for our meeting. I wore a casual dress. She has worked in this field for 7 years, but she looks quite young (I'm getting old). I told her some funny Oliver stories. She seemed impressed with him (he was with me, and he was patient), but she has big plans for him. She wasn't thrilled with the care he'd received so far. With this new leadership and (I hope) a talented and diligent tech (who will actually stay around!), I feel pretty good about giving the company another chance. Just the meeting was tough--a challenge for me. But it was fine, and I left feeling optimistic.

I've continued to have trouble with my writing. I keep missing days of practice. I'm challenging myself to write more and to find what can nourish my writer self.

I've been reading more about Egypt. I have a book on Native Americans waiting. Right now, any kind of learning feels satisfying even if it's difficult.

Handmaid's Tale and Black Mirror are back, so I watched episodes with the guys. I could have gone on all day.

Bruce and I went to Barnes one evening. We'd not gone there in a long time. We weave slowly through the shelves and tables and try not to laugh too loudly. I found a blue hardcover book of fairy tales for $5. I took that home along with the newest Bella Grace magazines.

And Bruce and I saw Cats, the last show of the season. I think that was season 4. It's absurd that I'd not yet seen Cats. I enjoyed it more than I expected. The costumes, makeup, dancing, and lighting were fantastic. Of course, the Rum Tum Tugger was still my favorite. Everyone went wild over Grizabella.

On the drive home from the theatre, Bruce asked me several what-if questions, and some of them really challenged my brain and heart. I asked him why he was asking so many questions, and he quoted me: "Questions are love." Wow. That filled me to the brim.

At My Bravest.

To follow up on my "If I Were More Courageous" post, I decided I should think about when I have had great courage.

• I gave birth to Oliver. Delivering him is the hardest thing I have ever done, physically, emotionally, and mentally. I had to fight my body's absolute insistence on pushing; Oliver was in danger when I pushed. I followed directions. I had no time or strength to scream or shout. I felt no sense of community with the countless women who have given birth. I was alone in it, and I couldn't give up. I just thought of breathing and getting oxygen to my baby.  

•  I breastfed. I was afraid I couldn't produce enough milk to help our 5 1/2-pound baby gain weight, especially since I was supporting our family. Somehow, I pumped enough, and he plumped up, and I breastfed him for thirteen months. For a while, two weeks maybe, it was incredibly painful--the gasping-and-tears-spring-to-your-eyes kind of pain. I didn't think I could go on. But I did it, and I'm grateful that I had the chance. 

•  I gave a public reading in a small auditorium at Queens. I read several poems from my thesis. Mom let me wear her enchanted emerald silk blouse. I felt the audience connecting with me. My thesis advisor later told me that he received compliments about me. Mom and Dad were there, and Melissa and Steve came, which meant a lot. I hadn't shared much of my poetry with any of them.  

•  I taught a seminar on journaling, also during my graduating residency. I was brave enough to focus on one of the most important elements of my life. And apart from day camp Bible classes, I'd never taught before. 

•  I applied to a community college. I taught my first class, and though I had no idea how I would handle it, it went remarkably well. I knew I'd found the right work. 

•  I left my job, first as a medical leave of absence and then permanently. We had very little money and no plan, but Mom and Josh knew I couldn't go back; I was too sick. We got a lot of help, but it was scary. 

•  I've advocated for Oliver since he was diagnosed with autism at age four. I took him to so many doctors and therapists for diagnoses and treatment. I met with teachers and got Oliver into ore-K for EC. I took him to the children's neurologist, I spent a year getting Oliver into ABA. I do not do well in meetings. Mom came sometimes to back me up, especially when I got completely overloaded.  

• I saw a psychiatrist, a psychologist an a  counselor. I was afraid to confirm my fear that no one could (or would) help me. None of these ongoing appointments are easy for me. I push myself to show up, to tell the truth of my experience, and to continue reaching for the help I need.

Really, I'm brave every day. I drive the car, which makes me very nervous. I drop off and pick up, I get out of bed, I shower (and put on makeup on a decent day!),  I take my medicine, I interact with others, I go to appointments. I live, hour by hour.

You Can't Help Loving Me for This.

• I snort when I laugh hard.
• I tend to get in people's way, and you have to move me.
• I leave literary character sticky flags all over the place.
• I'm oblivious to anyone paying me attention in public.
• I merely tolerate diet soda.
• I can listen to a current-favorite song on repeat, repeat, repeat.
• I analyze and dive into movies.
• I never put milk in my cereal.
• I'm a bit of a pen snob.
• I still have a beloved 2001 issue of YM Beauty.
• If I love it, I buy it in multiple colors. 
• I sing and dance far more than some would call necessary.
• I write lowercase a's and 2's two different ways.
• I buy another set of Sparkle Pop for my pen drawer each time I go to Target.
• I have three versions of Phantom on my iPod.

Nourish/Challenge: Week 22.

I've had almost back-to-back sinus infections (Yes, I finished my antibiotics). This past week, I got in to see my PA, and he said I was right: a sinus infection, a bad one. So I've tried to rest, and Josh has been so supportive.

Oliver sings. He sings bits of songs in the car. Josh says that when I shower with music, Oliver stays outside the door and sings along. It may be because I'm singing more at home and in the car. I want him to have the solace and nourishment of reading and movies, but for now, singing is pretty good.

For the first time in a terribly long time, I took a bath and read poetry aloud. I've got to get back to that. The habit is a challenge but so nourishing.

Oliver has been home with me. Last week was his first week out of school. We are waiting for a new tech, so we haven't gone to ABA; he only has private OT and speech right now.

I noticed that because he wears uniforms at to school, he had very little casual clothing. So I signed him up for Stitch Fix (sign up and you and I will each get a $25 credit). We get ten items per shipment. I've mostly asked for comfortable or athletic shorts and cute graphic tees. Oliver enjoys pointing out designs on his clothes. SF even sends shoes and pajamas! It eliminates the challenge of hunting for his clothes here and there, and I can easily return what doesn't work.

I'm trying a long, weekly to-do list again, but in my mermaid spiral notebook instead of the journal. Bullet journaling intimidates me; I know almost nothing about it. What kind of to-do list do you use?

Looking Back: 30 before 30.

I looked at my "30 before 30" list and found that I'd accomplished very little. But when I see what I have done, it does feel impressive.

• Publish a story
• Take Oliver to an aquarium
• Teach a literature class
• Teach a creative writing class
• Have long, black Snow White hair
• Use every room in my house
• Read tons of short stories

I'll try to continue working on that list as I work on my "40 before 40" list. 

Some Top Blessings.

We are so blessed, and it's increasingly clear.

• We have received assistance from family and the government that makes it possible for us to pay for Oliver's therapies, pay down debt, and not be anxious about money all the time.
• Oliver's personality. He was a tiny baby (5 lbs, 8 oz.) who had dealt with terrible conditions in my belly. But he was bright and relaxed. He calmed me with his liquid navy eyes (now shifting to green) and his serene expression.
• Miss Katie at occupational therapy. Oliver sees Miss Katie once a week for an hour. They work on such a variety of skills, and Oliver clearly adores her. She has told us that she just loves Oliver.
• Our apartment. Oliver has room to move around, Josh's giant desk fits in the living area, and I have my desk and chaise in the guest room. The space is a relief.
• Our library. We have a great many wonderful books. 
• Brr Brr, a little English bulldog Beanie Baby I gave to Oliver when he was one year old. He was in love for years. He still dotes on Brr Brr sometimes, like on long car trips. It's the best gift I've ever given anyone.
• My relative stability, when I have it. I have moments and even hours of being firmly okay. I even feel flutters of joy sometimes.

Just a Thought: What I Like Most about Myself.

• My passionate nature
• My persistence
• My ability to collect coping strategies
• My long, dark hair
• My green, ringed eyes
• My pale skin
• My courage (though I hate to use it)
• My writing ability
• My love of books
• My attraction to sparkles
• My softened heart