Stillness & Attention: Week 6.

Day 1: Yesterday, I did take that shower, and I read two stories for the magazine. Josh and I washed and changed our star sheets--fresh sheets are always a treat. I even remembered to put on Rose Water and Ivy lotion.  

My Conklin Endura abalone gunmetal pen, a gorgeous piece, clogged with Herbin violet-scented ink. I had to flush it. I'd never known scented inks to clog pens, but this pen must be fragile. I'll only use standard Levenger ink in it from now on. My parents first bought me Levenger ink when I was a teenager. I still have the original bottle of Amethyst. Today, I'm writing with Diamine Happy Holidays ink, which arrived yesterday. I'm disappointed; it's really just navy ink with no sheen and a little gold shimmer. I've wanted all the Diamine Inkvent inks, but a lot of them are unremarkable blues. Still, the next ink I buy will be Diamine Inkvent Blue Peppermint, which is a refreshing turquoise.

I'm drinking a homemade Shirley Temple in a DPAC cup with a rainbow metal straw. Josh cleans a lot of reusable straws for me. I just read three poems from David Lehman's (yes, the Best American Poetry series editor!) The Daily Mirror, a journal in poetry. I was thinking about how I'd like to write a poem each day and how surely some of them would be good. I'd end up with a lot more good poems than I have now anyway. And so I wrote a poem called "Scrub." It has a line that Josh said would be a good book title. Maybe I'll write a collection around that line. 

I got a little depressed last night and didn't do much reading. I've decided to let Fire go; I'm not in the mood for it, and I can check out the E-book again when I have more bookspace in my life. I guess I'd call it a young adult book, so it will go with spring. This morning, I read chapter 7 of Swiftly Tilting Planet to the boys while Josh lifted weights on his green yoga mat in the living room. It was a shorter chapter, so I may start chapter 8 today. Reading L'Engle aloud is getting easier. I loved her four memoirs (The Crosswicks Journals) starting with Circle of Quiet. That book and Wintering by Katherine May are deeply comforting books. 

I sent Circle of Quiet and Wintering to a dear relative who is going through a rough season. I hope the books comfort her as they have comforted me. I also sent My Heart Is a Chainsaw to my brother--not at all comforting but very good. My DREAM boards usually include sending a gift to someone. Last month, I bought a two-year Bella Grace Field Guide to Everyday Magic subscription for another relative who needs a treat, but that won't start arriving until April. In the meantime, I'll write letters. 

My Amazon points arrived! I got three Diamine inks: that Inkvent Blue Peppermint (turquoise green with silver shimmer), Mystique (deep plum with gold shimmer), and Pink Glitz (hot pink with gold shimmer). Next month, I'll get that Paperblanks grande journal. Amazon points let me have a little fun each month according to my rules. I'll take those inks off my NoBuy2022 List, which still includes a lot of books I'm going to try to get from the library. I just did a purchase request for Anatomy: A Love Story, a YA novel by Dana Schwartz.

I made a lot of fried rice with broccoli, green beans (not very authentic, but I didn't have much on hand), and edamame (with shrimp for me). That should feed us for a couple of days. It's one of the few meals I know how to make, and I still take shortcuts (boil-in-a-bag brown rice, steamer bag vegetables), but I feel pretty domestic. Hopefully, Josh will like it. So I did that instead of walking while Josh took Oliver to the park. It was a bit of an arm workout though.

My mood is good today. I've been able to read some of The Paper Palace. I started some more laundry. I put away two loads yesterday...trying not to let clothes take over our bedroom as they sometimes do. Josh has been cleaning. He never complains about chores, and he's ever beating back the dust.

I'm so thankful that I've kept a detailed journal for so long. I was having a lot of anxiety, and I was able to fact check something in my journal. I found it easily, almost 100 journals back. I trust my journal more than my memory. 

My tiny fairy lights arrived! Josh and I strung them around the window. A tiny remote changes the color--white, yellow, red, green, light blue, dark blue, multi. I think I'll turn on the light blue tonight. They won't light up our room like the Christmas tree did--just a glistening. I look forward to looking at the lights from bed. Maybe Oliver won't demand that we turn them off if he wakes up (as he did with the tree). He slept through the night again last night and didn't even wet the bed.

Day 2: Oliver slept through the night again! Now, he's asleep again in our room. He allowed the fairy lights to stay on though he looked at them with great suspicion.

This morning, I'm writing with Van Dieman's Night Twilight Mist ink. This is the ink of which I ended up with two bottles. I don't mind--it's lovely, deep violet with pink shimmer. It's now my current favorite ink.

I wrote a poem! It's not a particularly good one, but it's called "Chafing." I'm going to try to write a poem every day. I'll type this one up even though it's mediocre. Josh liked it. I'm thinking about that new collection I'm building. Maybe I'll have it written by the end of the year. If I write a poem every day, I should be able to write and revise enough good ones. My first poetry collection was some sixteen years in the making. It shouldn't take me that long.

I hope to get a kitten someday. We're not allowed pets at this house, and not having pets has some advantages. I'd like a black kitten; I'd name her Specter. Just one cat. Maybe Oliver would bond with her. 

At the moment, Josh is out on a 20-mile run, and Oliver is still sleeping. The house is silent but for the sigh of the heat. I'm under my heated throw, polishing off a Dr. Pepper. I've been reading poems from The Daily Mirror. Lehman doesn't use punctuation, so I tried using less in today's poem--it works with the urgent tone.

I've written five letters today, two of them thank-you cards for generous gifts my step-family sent to help with Oliver's expenses. I also replaced all the empty Wallflowers in the house--Holiday, Sweet Pea, Sweet Cinnamon Pumpkin, Fresh Fallen Snow. I never tire of cinnamon. I don't know if my Wallflower stock will last through the year. I'll be sure to save some candles for the holiday season. 

When she visited early this week, my mom brought me a Wendy doll. It was accidentally especially appropriate because my poem "Wendy" has just been published. The doll has frosty lips, auburn curls, and a glittery nightgown.

I finished The Paper Palace! So that's one book for the month and 13 for the year. I'm still on track. It was a good book but pretty rough in content. Next up, Mexican Gothic. I read The Beautiful Ones recently, and I'll probably read more Silvia Moreno Garcia. I looked at the blurbs from other authors and added several books to my list. I attended a Gothic fiction seminar and considered taking a class. I would like to try to write Gothic fiction. My only Gothic-ish story is "Her Pearl-Handled Knife."

Day 3: Oliver is back at school and happy about it. I'm writing with my pink marble Moonman fountain pen with a bent nib, using Herbin rose-scented ink. Lovely.

Josh and I spent the morning together. He napped while I scribbled, and we cuddled. I ate Ramen with green beans and boiled egg--pretty good. Josh is at work now, 12-8. I'll miss him. Oliver and I will be on our own. Josh and I aren't often apart for that long.

I just filled one of my TWSBI Ecos with Aurora Australis ink from Van Dieman's Night collection, a shimmering grape juice purple with a hint of green sheen.

Day 4: I'm writing with Van Dieman's Night Shooting Star ink, blue with red sheen and gold shimmer. I've decided I'm not in love with sheening ink--it's not very impressive. I prefer shimmer.

Josh and I spent another morning together. He will start testing again on Thursday afternoons. I wrote a poem called "Lodged." It's nothing amazing, but it is a poem! I also caught up on reading for the magazine.

Day 5: Josh and I took Oliver to school together and got groceries this morning. I bought frozen chicken and whole wheat pasta. I got ranch dressing, cheese Alfredo sauce, seasoned salt, and cinnamon. I have three servings of chicken thawing in the fridge. I'll bake them tomorrow. 

Josh and I had more time together, and I'm so grateful for that. We had Caesar salad for lunch before he went to work. I had an episode of high blood pressure with a headache and dizziness. This is the second afternoon that's happened. I don't know why, but I'm better now.

I'm still in a reading slump though I have been reading to the boys (we're on chapter 9 of 12 in Swiftly Tilting Planet) and reading a few poems each day. I did not realize how much Madeleine L'Engle wrote! I've only read A Wrinkle in Time, Wind in the Door, The Joys of Love, and the four Crosswick Journals. I may try to read her other series and her poetry. I have a book of her short stories, which I bought at a little bookstore in Southern Pines.

A lot of books are due tomorrow, and I will not be taking them back. I have a lot of catching up to do. I did write a poem called "Cash," which about what I bought in New York City. Again, it's not special, but this is my fourth day of writing a daily poem!

Oliver slept through the night again, and he may actually attend school for a full week! Masks are becoming optional in public schools soon, so we may see a surge of COVID again. Josh is home now and writing to me in a letter journal we share. 

Today, I wore pastels--lavender, pale pink, and glacial green with a matching necklace I've had for years. I like rediscovering fun jewelry I bought back when I was teaching. Tomorrow, I may start that 40 Day Dress Challenge, mostly just to see if I can do it. I'll miss my jeans. But Josh likes my wearing dresses. Maybe he won't really notice that it's the same dress every day.

I like this photo of the shoes I left in the living room yesterday:

(Keds, New Balance, and Irregular Choice)

I also wrote today with Diamine Magical Forest ink, which is green with great shimmer that looks multi-colored.

Day 6: I've been deep in Mexican Gothic today. I came out of it long enough to bake chicken and make whole wheat pasta with spinach and broccoli. So I have a few mealies ready for Josh and myself.

"...but then she tended toward opulence. Besides, she wanted to defy the gloom around her."

~Silvia Moreno-Garcia, Mexican Gothic 37

I love this--defying the gloom. That's the motivation with which I started this blog eleven years ago--to defy the gloom in the world, in my family, and especially in myself. I finished the book just before I got ready to go pick up Oliver from school. Tonight, I'll go see Bruce and Corey. We might finish this season of American Horror Story. I'd like to start the second season of Locke & Key next week. I also have so many movies I want to watch. 

No spoilers here, but a bit close to the end of MG sums up what I've been trying to do most of my life:

"She must practice, she thought. It was all practice. She'd learn to live without worry, without fears, without any darkness chasing after her."

~Silvia Moreno-Garcia, Mexican Gothic 298

I continue to practice.

I'm writing today with Diamine's shimmer Cobalt Jazz.

Day 7: I'm racing to finish another book on which someone has placed a hold. I try not to keep books late if someone is waiting. This one is due tomorrow: Ruby Slippers, Golden Tears, an anthology of adult fantasy, mostly contemporary fairy tales. So I have two days to read twenty-one tales. I'd like to get to know current fantasy writers; some of these authors were in the Once upon a Time anthology I read last year. But these tales actually aren't so current--they're from the 1990s, which, alas, was a long time ago. I've gotten to see some of my poetry in fantasy magazines Sounds of the Night (sensual stuff) and Illumen (speculative poetry) as well as Cover of Darkness (horror). I'd like to write more fairy tales.

I forgot to write a poem yesterday, but I did read poems. I'll get back on track today. I finished my Papier journal and started a new Punch Studio journal also suited to February. 

I've been writing with my new Diamine Inkvent shimmer ink in Blue Peppermint, which is now one of my favorite inks. It's a lovely turquoise with blue shimmer. 

I'm now dressed in stone blue pajama shorts and top, ready for the weekend with my boys.

100 (or 40) Day Dress Challenge. Why Not?

I said I would only pursue two goals (NoBuy and 100 books) in 2022, but I'm thinking about adding another. 

The dress is wrinkled, and we definitely need to buy a new dresser/chest (it's on the possibility list for this summer).

Have you heard of the Wool& 100 Day Dress Challenge? I've read a few articles about it, including this one. Emma Beddington from The Guardian did a 40-day (Lent-ish) version. What's the appeal? For some people, it's about sustainability. For others, it's about minimalism. One of the big messages is quality over quantity. Could I wear the same dress for 100 days? I think I could. I could definitely wear it for 40 days, so I'll start there.

I don't have a super nice dress to wear for the challenge, so I'm going simple: a solid black cotton swing tank dress similar to this. It works when it's warm (slip-on glitter shoes) or cold (cardigan, tights). I can dress it up for going to the theatre or down for picking up Oliver from school. Since this dress is from Old Navy and I think I paid $20 for it, it is possible that it will fall apart. So my challenge is this:

Wear the same dress for 40-100 days or until the dress is unwearable. 

I may be surprised as Old Navy will sometimes carry a great piece. I will miss the dress if it falls apart, but Old Navy usually has a version of it, so I can buy another next year. Part of the appeal for me is that I want to enjoy my collections of shoes, jewelry, and makeup. While it's cool, I can also use my several jackets and my many cardigans. I even have several short-sleeved cardigans that will work when it's warmer. That's part of what NoBuy2022 is about for me--less acquisition, more enjoyment. The possibilities of this dress are endless. It'll be like playing with a paper doll, and I love paper dolls. And I can post about the experience every 10 days or so. I may even post some photos as I used to do.

Apparently, people really don't notice that you're wearing the same thing every day. And if they do, they find it interesting. I'll count the days when I don't really get dressed (some weekends are shower-and-put-on-clean-pajamas days), and I'll plan to wash the dress once a week unless it gets dirty. I'll remember to hang the dress up after I wear it. I may even hang it outside. I don't usually sweat much, so I should be fine, and I have Febreze. Maybe this will also tone down any sneaking vanity?

I'm not starting now because I have some sweaters on my DREAM boards, but I may start next week. What do you think?

Stillness & Attention: Week 5.

Day 1: Today, I woke up at the more-acceptable time of 5:20 a.m. I finished reading Mapping the Interior. 3 stars. I might have given it more if I hadn't already read My Heart Is a Chainsaw, which amazed me (5 stars). 

I continued work on our taxes and found that we owe a hefty amount. Apparently, the college wasn't taking taxes out of Josh's testing pay. So no new car is happening any time soon, and I'm holding off on filing until we've saved enough to pay the taxes. This is quite discouraging, especially since we just had to replace our dryer. But the NCSEAA did send Oliver's grant money to his school, so we're not also trying to juggle tuition. This seems to be another validation of our ABA decision.

I found that one of the CookUnity mealies was open and leaking in the fridge. So that's a point against CU, and I won't be eating blackened catfish with warm potato salad. 

I've been writing today with a sample of Diamine's Inkvent Polar Glow ink. The pen I flushed (after the great Robert Oster ink clog) is working fine again. I plan on using a dip pen in RO ink. 

My February janner arrived yesterday, so I've been setting it up. I'm hoping February will be a little more stable than January has been, both internally and externally. Only two more days remain in this month. I don't really go anywhere, so I won't see the Valentine's Day decor, but I'll know it's there. We have a rose velvet heart in lieu of a wreath on our front door. When people try to visit us, they say, "Do you have a heart on your door?" Yes, and a giant golden snowflake over the porch. Hearts and snowflakes are always stylish to me.

I really want to put fairy lights up in our room, maybe around the window. But I don't have any loose ones, so that will have to wait. I loved falling asleep in the glow of the Christmas tree. Right now, I see the flicker of a cinnamon candle on the mantle.

I finished The Unswept Room in bed. That's book 12 for the month and year. It's also book 850 total! I shouldn't have much trouble getting to 1,000 books by my fortieth birthday.

Day 2: I'm writing with Diamine's Inkvent Jack Frost ink. The shimmer actually showed up in the photo!

Today, I've tried the CookUnity garlic butter chicken with broccolini and the cod with jasmine rice. Both were pretty good. So far, I'm still liking Factor the best of the meal plans I've tried. But CookUnity has a ton of choices, including some good seafood, which is harder to find. 

We found out yesterday that Oliver's school will be virtual this coming week because someone connected with the school has COVID. We don't know more than that. But this means Oliver will be at home for nine days in a row. Poor guy. That also means Josh and I will have to get all our alone time while Oliver is sleeping. 

I'm thinking about my ink collection. I have a small drawer full of ink bottles in their boxes and more in a purple glitter box on top of my desk. I'm wondering if I can clear out some of my home school drawer to make more ink space. I'd like to move down what's in my other small top drawer (Prisma Color pencils, stationery, tape, thumbtacks, and such) so both small drawers can hold ink. 

I'm in another race against library deadlines. I have about twelve days to finish several books. Let's see what I can do. I've read very little today, but I did finish reading chapter 3 of Swiftly Tilting Planet to the boys. I accomplished a couple other tasks today. I ran more laundry, cleaned up my nest (my chair and ottoman, always covered in books and notebooks), cleared some space for my ink in the other small desk drawer, and wrote two letters and a thank-you note.

Day 3: I slept until 7:30 today! That was nice. Josh kindly took over morning meeting with Oliver. He also picked up Oliver's school binder after a newspaper interview on Charles Chestnutt (on whom Josh sort of accidentally became an expert after randomly finding his journals at City Center Books downtown). I worked on reading for the magazine. I did some cleaning and did a math worksheet with Oliver. He doesn't understand much of what he's doing, but he's mostly cooperative. 

My poem, "Wendy," came out today in Gingerbread House Literary Magazine. Check out the great art the editors included! I wrote the poem about eleven years ago, and now it's out in the world. I'm excited about this publication, and I've been waiting for it. I'll have another poem in the summer issue. I volunteered to be a beta tester for creative writing activity series my friend and former MFA classmate created. With Oliver home, I may not get to it until next week, but it will be fun. 

The peppermint hot chocolate candle is burning, and I'm drinking too much Dr. Pepper. Oliver is eating vanilla wafers. We have a lot more work to do. I read chapter four of STP to him and Josh before Josh left for work. I'm trying to read one chapter each day, which should be easier this week since Oliver will be home. Today will be a short work day because Josh and I are going to Mystery Science Theater 3,000 Live at DPAC tonight. My mom will arrive later to keep Oliver for the night. I made the mistake of telling Oliver Marmee was coming, so he's been looking out the study windows for her. 

I won't have a lot of time for reading today, but I've got to make some progress with The Paper Palace, which looks like it might be quite good. I'll be keeping library books late again. I hate breaking small rules. I have a hold ready (The Ocean House, stories), so I'll probably go to the library tomorrow. I have a couple of books to return...check out one and return two!

Oliver and I just did some math "goal work." We worked on number cards; he knows 1-10 pretty well, and we're trying to get 11-15. I was pleased that he recognized most numbers on a different set of cards, this set handwritten. We attempted some hand-over-hand number writing with a marker on a laminated sheet, but that was a bit of a mess. I don't think Oliver will learn to write. I wonder if he could learn to type some words eventually. His IEP team recommended shifting from hand writing to typing. I never realized that the letters on a keyboard are lowercase, which is harder for him to recognize.

Day 4: Josh and I went to MST3k last night. We also met and had dinner with Josh's friend and his daughter. I ate thai fried rice with shrimp. The show was lots of fun. We both did a good bit of laughing out loud. The actors and puppeteers were quite talented. It was a late night; I took over the last 20 minutes of driving around midnight. We probably won't do that kind of thing again. 

I have not read or scribbled today.  

Day 5: Last night, I got into a deep and frightening depression. A couple of old friends reached out to me, and I need to let them. I don't know why I exist. I've got to rethink how I open and express myself. I need to avoid making any serious decisions right now. I finally took ibuprofen PM and melatonin, took a bubble bath, and went to sleep. Sometimes, a bath and sleep are all I can do to feel better. 

I found out today that we will probably not be able to renew Oliver's financial aid for next year. His eligibility determination has expired (I didn't know this), and renewal requires public school testing. We probably can't get that testing by the deadline, and the public schools don't want to interact with children who won't or can't wear a mask. I've already told his school that we want a spot for next year. I guess we'll just have to keep the old car and hope that God provides for tuition. I'm already holding off on some dental work I need. I've looked into full-time work, but with Oliver's erratic schedule (and his needs that are beyond babysitters), I don't know how I could work full-time. Still, I'll probably apply for an open position at the local community college. It would mean losing my disability benefits, most importantly my Medicare. I probably should just home school Oliver until the pandemic ends (if it does) since he won't be able to attend public school without a mask. 

I'm currently eating a Lindt truffle. This seems like a good move.

It does look like the ESA funds for this semester are coming. It won't fully cover spring tuition as I hoped, but it will help. I have to go through an approval process once I get an updated statement from the school. I've been E-mailing someone who is going to look into Oliver's eligibility for next year; it's at least worth a try.

I looked back at my files from last year, and I think I do have the eligibility determination document I need! I don't know how to update it with NCSEAA, so I've E-mailed the program. Maybe I'll be able to resolve this with help. The school system staff person I've been E-mailing has been incredibly kind, responsive, and helpful. I sent an E-mail to her boss. I hope she gets recognition if not a raise. Thank God for nice people, especially the ones who don't bite my head off when I'm clueless. I need to invest in some chill; I'm naturally a snappy person, and I used to be really critical of Josh. I try, now, to be quiet unless it really matters...without silencing myself all together. It's not an easy balance for me.

So as you know, I'm crazy about Valentine's Day--not really the holiday itself or the romance but the style and decor. Well, I stumbled upon this Valentine's Day fountain pen on Goulet Pens. It's a stunner. Look at that heart-shaped glitter! Josh says I need a Valentine's Day present. The pen isn't actually out yet, but I'm on the notification list...maybe by the time it comes out, I will have resolved the financial aid issue and saved enough to pay our taxes!

Josh has continued to take care of Morning Meeting online. God bless him. Tomorrow, Josh will be teaching at that time. Putting on eyeliner before 8:30 a.m. will probably be good for me.

I finished updating my January janner last night. My habits page doesn't look great. "10 Things" is my way of getting myself to clean up at least ten things every day--even if one is just hanging up a shirt. I did get 27 DREAM streaks across 9 boards! No black-outs, but it's still pretty good. I finally finished decorating my February janner and making my DREAM boards. I accomplished nothing yesterday (no highlighting, no stickers for me), but I can still make this a good month. 

I did talk to my therapist yesterday; she agrees that I have a chemical imbalance right now. I'll just keep taking my meds and follow my new dosage. Josh picked up some prescriptions for me. He's always so willing to run errands. Today, he got groceries (we couldn't go together since Oliver is home. We don't take Oliver to stores right now because he's a bit unpredictable and he doesn't wear a mask) and changed the air filters. He also gave me a massage last night when I was in the depths of despair.

Day 6: I'm wearing my lock and key charm bracelet today. 

Yesterday, I took an hour-long walk and used my small weights for arm workouts. I also realized that I am probably in a mixed state. I'm depressed but also impulsive and full of venom. I haven't spent money though. I did call my brother yesterday, and we talked about graphic novels, TV shows, and movies. I'm thinking that when Josh takes Oliver to the park, I'll go for walks and/or call James.

At least I've been writing today. I'm terribly behind on reading. I hope to go to the library today to pick up holds. I have a couple of books to return. I need to leave the house more. I think I'll have an easier time next week when Oliver is back in school and Josh and I have more time together. I doubt I'll read ten books this month as I'm nowhere near finishing anything now. I'm trying to give myself grace and give my new dosage a chance to work. My moods, so far, are continuing in an erratic pattern like that of January. In the first six days of January, I experienced all six of the moods I chart.

I did Morning Meeting online today, and I have more school work to do with Oliver. He has a new classmate. I haven't heard back from the NCSEAA about Oliver's eligibility determination. One E-mail could radically alter a year of our lives. And if we lose financial aid now, who knows when we'll get back in the running?

Today, the world is warm and gloomy. I'm sore and crabby and a little dizzy. I'm looking forward to Josh's getting home. Sometimes his touch seems like the only comfort I can experience. Oliver is eating fish sticks like crazy--he ate twenty-three of them yesterday. Josh's recent interview appears in an article on Charles Chestnutt, an important Black writer who spent a lot of time in our city of Fayetteville.

I feel scraped raw--brain and heart and parts of my body. A mixed state is the worst extremes of bipolar disorder conjoined. Josh has given me my only moments of peace today. I hope we can spend some time together after Oliver goes to bed. I read a few pages of STP to the boys until I realized Josh was asleep. Reading something was kind of nice. I want to read The Paper Palace, but I don't feel like I can lift my arms. Oliver is stomping and jumping and laughing and babbling, and I hurt. I just want a bath and bed and Josh. I can't find stillness, and my attention vibrates with dissonance. February 1 was depressed, February 2 was anxious, and today is exhausted. I know this has been a long week. Maybe next week will be better. 

I did go to the library to return two books and check out four holds. I have a mountain of books waiting, and I can't open one. I want hot water to consume me. Josh just lit the peppermint hot chocolate candle. Oliver is starting to wind down a little. Maybe this terrible clenching in my upper body will stop. 

I usually reserve this blog for wellness and keep illness to its sister blog. But my mental health influences my spending and my reading and vice versa, so I guess it's relevant. These posts have become more like a diary than I expected. 

Today had a couple of wins though: I showered, dressed, and put on makeup (including blush and eyeliner); started a load of laundry; and went to the library. Josh says he'll go work out tomorrow after Morning Meeting, so maybe I'll get some time with him before Oliver wakes up.

Day 7: Five weeks in. I haven't spent money on myself, and I've read twelve books. I'd like to be further along with the reading, but I'm still ahead for my goal.

So far today, I feel a lot better. Last night, I took a bubble bath, read a little, spent some time with Josh, and slept well--restoration. I'm writing with a sample of Diamine Red Lustre ink--crimson with gold shimmer. 

I'd love to do lettering, but I don't think I have the talent for it. I almost took a calligraphy class last year. Maybe I'll still do that someday. 

I was hoping to hear from the NCSEAA today, but that seems unlikely. I'll have to wait until Monday. But the deadline is still two weeks away, so I have a little time left. I hope it will be an easy fix. I'm a little bummed that the ESA turned out to be about $2k less than I expected. At least it will cover a lot of the remaining tuition. 

Josh bought me a Valentine's Day present. Two. They are pink and sparkly, and I can't wait to see them. I'm glad I'll get to acknowledge the loveliness of Valentine's Day! We don't usually exchange Valentine's Day presents since our anniversary is so near, but I'm for it this year. I have a few ideas for Josh. 

I returned some pants I'd bought for Josh. They ended up having an elastic waist (weird if you have to tuck in a dress shirt) and looking more like chef's pants than dress pants. Anyway, Amazon issued my refund as a gift card, so I can't use that money for tuition, taxes, a car, or anything else. So I used it to buy ink (Diamine Peacock Flare) and color-changing fairy lights for our bedroom. I want to sleep under twinkle lights! I hope Josh will help me put them up around the big window in our room. I'll probably set them to white, blue, or green...maybe multi-color sometimes. What I miss most about Christmas time are candles, Christmas scents (cinnamon!), and lights. So I'll just carry them on through the year!

Now, I'm writing with Diamine Moon Dust: gray-blue with silver shimmer.

My E-loan of Fire: Tales of Elemental Spirits expires in a couple of days; I'm going to try to finish it. Paper Palace is due on Monday, so I'm hoping I can finish both books this weekend. I have more books due on the 10th, but I won't be returning those on time. I have another hold waiting for me. I'll probably never catch up with myself, but trying is a fun challenge.

My mood remains good. Evenings are usually harder. But maybe if I keep myself busy, I won't get down. I may put stickers in another New York journal tonight. Playing with my stickers almost always puts me in a good mood. I gather these comforts to me in tiny bouquets like nosegays. My next challenge is to take a shower. That still feels like a big task. I haven't gone a day without a shower in a long time though. Sometimes, Josh talks to me while I shower. When Oliver isn't here, I listen to music. Sometimes I don't make it into the shower until right before bed. But I get there.

The peppermint hot chocolate candle burned out; I'm going to light Crushed Candy Cane. My candle stores are not going to last! Maybe I'll request candles for my birthday. I'll be turning thirty-seven, which will leave me with three years to complete my goals. I need to do another check-in on my 40 Before 40 list soon. I haven't made great progress since the last check-in. I haven't placed in a writing contest...but I have entered a chapbook contest twice! 

I'd like to get back to sending submissions, but it seems pretty overwhelming. My novella is almost ready for the agent query process. I just need to revise my synopsis and cover letter, and these seem like massive tasks. I do have good feedback, though, from author Emily Colin, with whom I took a YA novel-writing class online last year. One goal I have for this month is to set up my website (which I consider a professional expense rather than a fun spend) as Emily urged us to have one in action before the querying process. I'll need Josh's help with that! I also need him to proofread the third draft of my novella...you're not busy; are you, darling?

Stillness & Attention: Week 4.

Day 1: Josh is thirty-seven today. We will see MST3k Live on the 31st. This year will mark seventeen years together.

The snow did come after all, just in time for Josh's birthday. We got about 4 1/2 inches. Our patio table, our cars, and Oliver's mini trampoline have quite a bit of snow. It didn't start until after dark. We looked outside at around 3 a.m., and the world was almost morning-bright. 

Yesterday, I read (inhaled) the rest of Ondattje's Handwriting. It was excellent. I plan to read more of his work, especially his poetry, if I can get my hands on it. That puts me at seven books for the year. I'm making good progress. And I'm excited because I've read two five-star books this year already!

Last night, the NCSEAA responded to my E-mail about the DGrant. Because I was a squeaky wheel, Oliver's account moved forward, and I was able to endorse his grant. The grant will cover about two-thirds of his spring tuition. We are also supposed to receive the Education Savings Account (ESA); that hasn't happened yet. But we should be in good shape for January, which means we can start saving for a down payment on a car. I'm hoping to buy one in March if Josh's car limps on that long.

This morning, I've been reading Life Among the Savages, which Bruce and I are reading together. He's well ahead of me, so I'm trying to catch up. It's hilarious with all of Shirley Jackson's subversive cheek. 

Today, I submitted two poetry chapbooks to a contest. I didn't think about submission fees and NoBuy2022 when I made my rules, but I've decided not to count them. This is the first submission I've sent in months. I feel rather accomplished, and I'm grateful to Josh who helped me format the page numbers. 

I unsubscribed from four magazines today and got a $35 refund. Since that's last year's money, I used it to buy a bottle of Diamine Inkvent Happy Holidays shimmer and sheen ink that is gorgeous: blue with red sheen and blue shimmer. Check out swatches here. I have some other ink on my NoBuy2022 list, which also includes a lot of books I intend to look for through the library. I found out that my library has ordered all four of the books I requested! I'm just waiting for the staff to process the books.

Going back to ink, Van Dieman's quickly responded to my E-mail and gave me a refund for the missing bottle of ink. It's not as good as a replacement bottle, but shipping is expensive. I told Peter that while I won't be ordering ink from him this year, I'll be back next year. I used that money (also last year's money) to pre-order Sarah Addison Allen's Other Birds, a magical realism novel, and to order Connecting the Stars by Marisa de los Santos (another favorite) and David Teague. The latter is perfect for now because it's for young readers, and winter is children's lit season. I have a lot of reading to do if I want to do the season any justice. And I now have three pre-ordered books to look forward to from favorite authors: March, June, and September. They're all books I want to own. 

This evening, I finished reading The Patchwork Girl of Oz (book 7 of 15) to the boys. That's book 8 for the year! I want to get to 10 this month. At least I've finished one children's lit book this winter! I have almost two months left, and I plan to read Peter Pan and the Alice books at last.

Day 2: One of the hardest parts of NoBuy is not having mail to look forward to. I'll just have to hope for letters. I have a few I need to write.

I've unsubscribed from almost all promotional E-mails and text messages. It cuts down on temptation and keeps my inbox clear for messages that matter. I started working on this in December. I had no idea how many promotional messages I was getting. 

This morning, I went through all the old clothes that were waiting in Oliver's closet. I sorted and folded everything, creating a stack of my clothes for the career closet at the college and a basket full of Oliver's clothes for Once Upon a Child. We've never tried to sell his clothes, but I'm hoping for store credit. He'll need a lot of bigger summer clothes this year. 

I made pasta salad, and I read the first chapter of A Swiftly Tilting Planet to the boys. It's certainly a different speed from Oz. I'm counting it as children's lit for my winter focus though it may be more YA. My mother read A Wrinkle in Time to me when I was nine or ten, so I think of it as children's lit. I also taught the book in my science fiction class (along with other favorites Never Let Me Go, The Illustrated Man, and Do Androids Dream of Electric Sheep?), which is still one of the coolest things I've ever done. I'd like to do it again someday. But for now, I'll work on finishing this series I should have completed long ago.

Day 3: I went to renew some library books today and found that I can't renew Liane Moriarty's Apples Never Fall as someone has placed a hold on it. So I have a few days to read it. I'm not super excited about it, but I did enjoy What Alice Forgot. I'm hoping this will be a quick and absorbing read. If I can read Erdrich in two days, I can handle this. The deadlines can be good for me. 

I finished reading Life Among the Savages this morning around 4 a.m. Oliver woke us early and went back to sleep, but we couldn't. This is the first tiny-book-club read in a long time for Bruce and me, but we've read over forty books together. So I've now read nine books this year. I want to get to ten for the month. Almost there! I've also started Sharon Olds's poetry collection The Unswept Room. I want to read a lot of poetry this year. Josh has been in a very long reading slump. But he did finish listening to my reading Oz 7, and I think that counts. Maybe I'll read him some poems. We read Charlotte Bronte's The Professor last year (our first simultaneous read), and I hope we'll read more Bronte books together this year.

I'm more than halfway through my Paperblanks Valentina journal. I've picked out my next one, a Papier journal with heart-shaped lollipops on it. Papier can handle fountain pens, so I'm going to try out my new inks and use some samples. I still have to sticker up the journal. I may do that tomorrow while Oliver is in school. I've emptied 32 pens this year and set them aside for recycling. I hope my pen stores hold!

Today, Oliver is home for a teacher workday. Josh just left for work, and he'll be there until after 8 tonight. So it's just me and O all day. I read chapter 2 of A Swiftly Tilting Planet to the boys this morning. It's harder to read aloud than the Oz books, but I like it. I'd like to finish it in February. I may go ahead and finish the last two books of the Time series before going back to Oz. We'll see how I feel. 

Oliver just ate half a McChicken! This is the closest thing to a real meal he's eaten in a long time. Protein and carbs. Now, if he'd only get interested in fruit again. Josh and Oliver go on a date to McDonalds one morning a week to get the real, greasy "cashbrowns." Today, they got the wrong order and ended up with McChickens. Maybe it's time to try chicken fingers again...Oliver's diet typically consists of beef taquitos, tater tots (which we call hashbrowns--close enough), hot dogs, vanilla wafers (bananafers) and Cheese Pizza Cheez-It crackers, with occasional macaroni and cheese or turkey sticks, rare grapes or oranges, and chips if he can get them. He does eat a large muffin at school each day. We're just happy that he eats at all. I thought I was a picky eater. Luckily, we found some gummy vitamins that he loves, and my mom sent us four bottles!

I've been teaching Oliver to open the trash can with his foot and clear his plate--a pretty exciting skill. Last year, we taught him to get ice from the dispenser and pour his own Gatorade and snacks. This year, we've already accomplished putting on slippers! We're making good progress on getting dressed. Putting on shoes, almost. Putting on socks, not so much. I'd love to get him to independence with dressing, socks, and shoes this year. We've made no progress on brushing teeth (we just got him to tolerate an electric toothbrush as the dentist recommended) or bathing. We should probably start getting him used to deodorant before he actually needs it. He's ten now, and a lot is on its way. Oh dear. 

I'm still amazed that, with occasional reassurance ("You can do it!"), he's potty trained. We really completed that last year too. I feel very lucky that Oliver can do this and that he has enough language to express his wants and needs. Last year, he said, "Wanna go lie down in Mama and Daddy's room," to let us know he needed snuggles. That may be the most he's said since he started regressing around age four. But he does sing the "Snuggle Puppy" song; I finally caught it on video. That's my favorite thing to hear, and I love his saying, "Wanna read a book," and "Wanna go find Mama" (he definitely gets the wanna and gonna from me, alas--I realized that when I used auto-captions on a class welcome video. Oops). He has almost no trouble telling us which Thomas video he wants to watch ("Wanna watch 'The Missing Christmas Decorations"). Yesterday, he even managed to let us know that he wanted to watch a duck boat video called "Amphibious Transport" (we got the transport part and figured it out from there). 

Josh commented earlier on Oliver's near-constant joy. He's always smiling, leaping, giggling. I said that he has no dread and no upsetting self-consciousness. Josh said Oliver also has no regret. Maybe we can work on reducing the presence of these in our own minds and hearts. Dread used to be a constant in my life, but that has gotten much better. 

Day 4: I wrote a poem! This is the first poem in a long time. It's called "Dark Laundry," born, I think, from reading poetry and Shirley Jackson. I'm thinking about where I can send it. I've had a poem in The Headlight Review, so I may try them again. I wonder if reading poetry again will awaken my own poetry writing. This morning, I couldn't have imagined writing a new poem, but suddenly, there it was. 

I've got discounted mealies coming today, some of which I actually have to assemble and/or cook. We'll see how that goes. I hope they arrive before dinner time.

Today, Josh took Oliver to school and then brought home the biscuit and Dr. Pepper I didn't get to have yesterday. He's so sweet. He's at a conference all day, so I'm having my first whole day alone in a long time. I'm not sure how to feel about it. But I've written a poem and started laundry. Music makes it easier for me to get ready, but Oliver can't handle music in the house. Today, though, I listened to Peter Cetera duets, On Your Feet, and Pentatonix while I showered and put on sparkly makeup. 

My janner for February is not coming until Saturday, so I'll be scrambling to decorate it and set up my DREAM boards. 

I went to the library this afternoon. Lately, I've been doing well about returning more books than I check out. Not so today: I returned one and checked out six. Oops. Checking out library books is one of my current greatest joys, though, so I don't regret it. I just have a lot of reading to do. I checked out two novels, three books of poetry, and a graphic novel (Vol. 4 of Locke & Key). 

Day 5: I had a phone session with my psychiatrist today. I told him that I've been having mood swings and waking up earlier and earlier (3:30 a.m. yesterday). He increased the dose of one of my meds. I'm glad to have a doctor who takes me seriously. I'll start the new dose tonight.

I cooked today. I made fajita chicken and rice and pesto chicken with walnuts and green beans. I used meal kits from HomeChef. Don't use HomeChef if you don't know how to cook! I couldn't find any instructions, and I had no idea what I was doing. I was texting Bruce to ask how to bake chicken. At some point, I'm planning to make an extra trip to the grocery store to buy spices, seasoning, and so on. 

Day 6: 

I finished reading Apples Never Fall, which was due today for someone else's hold. It was fine, 3 stars. Josh dropped it off at the library for me.

I made chicken and green beans again plus potatoes, this time with lemon, garlic, and garlic pepper. My CookUnity mealies arrived. I tried the avocado chicken burger, which was fine. Josh ate the sweet potato fries. 

Today, our new dryer arrived. It was an unexpected expense that cut into our car savings, but it was certainly a need. Luckily, Lowes was able to deliver it quickly. The delivery guys locked themselves out of their truck--while it was running. I gave them all my cash ($14) and a wire hanger. I guess they figured it out. That seems like the start of a story or essay.

I started Stephen Graham Jones's Mapping the Interior, a novella. I want to read as much SGJ as I can find. The library doesn't have much.

Josh and I write letters to each other in two notebooks/journals. One of them is filling up, so I got us an anniversary present to replace it soon. We've written to each other like this off and on for over sixteen years.

Day 7: Josh and I had the morning together, and something lovely happened: I took a nap! This is rare and wondrous. I continued to fade in and out after Josh left for work. I think it's probably because I'm getting used to the new dosage.

I had a couple of holds ready at the library, so I went there before picking Oliver up from school. I checked out the rest of the Locke & Key series, Paris Library (which I didn't finish before), and Remembrance of Things Past, a graphic novel. I've never read Proust, so I thought this might be a good way to start. 

I didn't read today, but I did finish three books this week, so it's okay. 

I went to Bruce and Corey's, and we watched two more episodes of American Horror Story: Red Tide. We still have four episodes left, and I have no idea what else can happen. I haven't watched any movies this month. I feel like watching something with Juno Temple. I call 6:30 p.m. to 8 p.m. the lonely time because Josh is usually putting Oliver to bed. I should try to watch movies during that time. Last night, I put stickers in the Papier journal. I finished Valentina and started the Papier with my TWSBI fountain pens and ink samples: Diamine's Starry Night and Winter Miracle. Bruce told me about Archive 81, which I may try to watch while Josh is around in the mornings. It sounds to scary for me to watch alone.

Tomorrow, another week of the year begins. I've gotten through four weeks without spending frivolously on myself, almost a month. If I can do one month, I can do twelve.

Stillness & Attention: Week 3.

Day 1: Two weeks without frivolous spending. I've had thoughts about glittery water bottles and Pilot Juice Up metallic pens, but I haven't purchased them. At least everyone is ready for work (clothes) and school (supplies) this coming week. 

As far as I know, Oliver will go back to school on Tuesday. I've loaded his backpack with his daubers, his favorite photo book, his favorite board book, Skittles, a change of cold weather clothes, and his Brr Brr (his old comfort toy...just in case). I hope he's all set. I hope his teachers are prepared to work more directly with him. His lead teacher and I have been exchanging E-mails, and she suggested I pack all those items for him. I included explanatory notes: gold ink on black paper: He likes to look at these photos and talk about what he's doing in them. He's outgrown Brr Brr but may still like to have him around (we have multiple Brr Brrs). This is an extra copy. It's no big deal if this gets beat up.

Josh's parents were supposed to visit today, but his mom isn't feeling well. For the next three days, I have nowhere to go and nothing much that I really have to do. It's a nice feeling. I do hope to do some cleaning and put away a lot of laundry. 

We found out that the college is hiring out weekly COVID testing, so Josh will no longer do that. We'll miss the extra money he earned, and he'll miss doing something so concrete to help with the pandemic. But this opens up his schedule quite a bit, and I'm excited about having more time with him. Next week, we should get some time alone. 

Josh is still the highest bidder on the Charlotte Bronte doll! It will probably get crazy on the last day. 

I can't believe I'm already starting the third week of this year. This morning, I've been reading Locke & Key Volume 3: Crown of Shadows. This is going to be a graphic novel and poetry weekend. I plan to read at least three books by Friday. I've started Handwriting: Poems by Michael Ondaatje.

I put away three baskets of laundry! I'm caught up...for the moment.

Day 2: 

"...because I felt, surprisingly and reassuringly, a slight panic for my own preservation, I started reading line by line."

~Louise Erdrich, The Sentence 83

This reassuring slight panic, when I experience it, drives me to write or read. When I'm lazy, disconnected, or depressed, I don't do these things, these life-affirming, life-strangling actions. And when I don't do these, I'm often disgusted with myself.

Yesterday, I went to renew some library books online and found that The Sentence by Louise Erdrich is in demand, so it is due on Tuesday. That gives me just a couple of days to read it. I'm almost 100 pages into the 380-page book. I have a long way to go!

It's an icy day. Josh ran 14 miles in cold rain. Oliver had gone back to bed at that point, so I did the same: I got in my cool bed in my dim room and slept for an hour or so. Naps are rare for me; I can't even sleep at night without meds. So this was a treat. Otherwise, I've mostly read. 

BlendJet now has Lisa Frank designs. Seriously? Suddenly, smoothies sound great. 

We've basically gotten our restaurant food for the month. Josh went out for soda and water-resistant running pants last night and came home with burgers (Impossible for him) from The Habit. And today, we ordered pizza and garlic knots with a gift card the Red Cross gave him at the blood drive. Unless Oliver wants the rest of the thin-crust sausage, I'll be eating cold pizza in the morning. I love eating lunch and dinner foods for breakfast; it's odd. 

Day 3: Today is a bonus weekend day because of MLK Day. The boys are both home. 

I finished The Sentence by 3 o'clock! I gave it 5 stars; it's my favorite of the three Erdrich books I've read. 

Day 4: I spoke to my therapist today and recommended The Sentence and My Heart Is a Chainsaw to her. I finished One of Us Is Lying; I may read the sequel. I'm starting the book Wounds, horror short stories by Nathan Ballingrud. I'm now at six books for the year, so I'm right on track...even slightly ahead.

Oliver is back at school, and Josh and I spent the morning together. For most of that time, we were waiting for the pest control guy to come. He asked us whether one of us had made all the art in the house. We assured him that we hadn't. He loved the Amy Brown mermaid by the front door. The man has good taste. I wish we were worthy of his belief in our talent!

Oliver was happy to get back to school and even leaned into his TA's hug. This is his first day without an RBT. I haven't heard anything yet. 

Today, I'm expecting some heavily discounted mealies (what we call pre-made frozen or refrigerated meals) from Factor. Last year, I enjoyed some heavily discounted Freshly mealies. They were pretty good. I'll pay $6 for a mealie, but I won't pay $10.

I had a good long talk on the phone with my mom. We discussed ABA again, and I continue to feel more reassured that we made the right decision. We talked about her health and about my recent day of solid depression. I did realize, though, that I missed my meds the night before that crash. So it actually makes perfect sense, and I haven't crashed again since. Obviously, my meds are doing a lot of good work.

I got started on our taxes as some forms arrived today. I'm waiting on Josh's W2. I hope we won't owe anything. Any refund we get will go toward a down payment for a car. Josh's car has refused to start three times in the last two weeks, but we're going to try to save for a few months--anything we can do to get a lower monthly payment.

Day 5: Oliver got an almost-perfect behavior sheet yesterday, and his teacher wrote that he had an amazing day and she thinks we made a great decision that will encourage his independence. Wow! So I feel a lot better. 

I've eaten two Factor mealies and a Panera Bowl mealie since yesterday. The first Factor meal was garlic shrimp and broccoli in a tomato cream sauce--not particularly filling but very good! The second was Italian sausage, red peppers, and rosemary red potatoes--also good. The Panera Bowl was chicken caprese: shell pasta, sun-dried tomatoes, spinach, and chicken in pesto--yum. We went grocery shopping today, and gracious, it was expensive! But we're all set for whatever ice or snow is set to come on Friday. I bought everything a big batch of the pasta salad Josh likes (tricolor vegetable pasta, Zesty Italian dressing, cucumber, and fancy-shredded Mozzarella, plus mini pepperoni for my portions).

Josh and I spent another morning together with lots of snuggles. It's so nice to be still and close to him without the impending stomp-stomp-stomp into our room! Oliver didn't want to wake up this morning, but when Josh said, "It's time for school," Oliver popped right up! I'm guessing he probably won't have school on Friday because of the weather, and he's off on Monday. So he gets one more day. I noticed last week that Oliver seemed more relaxed at home without ABA people here. Maybe the company for six hours a day stressed him out too. 

I agreed to meet with Oliver's former BCBA tomorrow morning at 9:30. I'm not looking forward to that. I just want to say, "Hey, we broke up!" Josh will be in class from 9 to 1. I won't have to leave the house though! A day in which I don't have to drive is a good day, and it means Josh can use the reliable car.

I found some Violette stickers I didn't know I had, and I organized new stickers from my Pipsticks subscription. I decorated one of the journals I bought at Le Guardia airport in December. It's a Paperblanks journal with a Valentine's Day design, and I'll probably use it next. I love the decor and style of Valentine's Day. I knew this time of year would be tough for NoBuy because I love pink and red heart tops and socks and decor. I just need to stay away from Target, Loft, and...pretty much everywhere else. I still haven't spent any money on myself for fun this year--19 days! Another temptation is a Paperblanks Grande journal, which is beautiful and huge. I may be able to save up Amazon points for one.

Josh is still trying to get that Charlotte Bronte doll for my birthday; the auction ends tonight. I've also always wanted a Scarlett O'Hara doll because she has dark hair and green eyes like I do, and this one is gorgeous. So if Josh doesn't get Charlotte, I may ask him for Scarlett for my birthday. 

I'm having a hard time reading again. I'll try to fix that tonight.

Day 6: I didn't fix that. 

I've had other Factor meals: cauliflower pasta with marinara, sausage, and green beans (too spicy for me, but I love the way they season the green beans) and herb chicken with seasoned potatoes and Mozzarella. 

I'm thinking about how I can batch-cook my own version of some of these mealies. I could buy frozen chicken breasts, but I don't know what to do with them besides marinate them in Italian dressing. I did buy some fully-cooked frozen shrimp that would be good with asparagus and Parmesan couscous. I'm no cook. I used to buy frozen tilapia at Aldi and season it with Old Bay. Maybe I'll start doing that again. It's hard to cook meat when I'm the only one who eats it. 

Something else I like: Fratelli Beretta's Italian Style Small Plates. I found them with the Lunchables at Food Lion. I tried one with rustico salami, provolone, and mini bread sticks. I also got one with crostini, spicy provolone, and calabrese salami. I love charcuterie, which my family called dinner snacks. It can be as basic as summer sausage with Colby jack cubes and Wheat Thins or fancier with brie, sesame crackers, crab dip, grapes, and gourmet salami.

Josh did not win the Charlotte Bronte doll, and the Scarlett doll sold. So that's sad. I found a stunning and relatively reasonable Madame Alexander Cissy (21-inch) with the classic Cissy face. I like her dress and her medium-blond curls, but I most love her face. Cisettes (10-inch) and Cissys have wide faces like mine, and this doll has shiny dark nude lips (which reminds me of the lipstick I wore in high school) and light green eyes. 

I met with the BCBA and signed the discharge papers. We're done. ABA did Oliver a lot of good at various points, but it's time to move on. His occupational therapist should be back from maternity leave next month. In the meantime, he's getting plenty of personal attention and individualized activities at school. I've gotten no new word about Oliver's grant, so we will probably have to pay tuition for January out of pocket. 

Today, I've had a few hours at home by myself. I organized more stickers and decorated another journal I got in New York, this one a Peter Pauper Press (arguably my favorite line though the Strand Denik journals may win individually) journal with purple trees and red flowers. I wrote in my current journal (also a PPP, this one with a blue tree...I love PPP tree journals!) with a TWSBI Eco purple fountain pen with a sample of shimmery Diamine Lilac Satin ink (from a sample set I bought a year or two ago from Goulet Pen Co.). I have a big purple blotch on my middle finger--a writer's love bruise. I did ask for this Compoco firefly journal for my birthday. I also like this, this, and this. 

I think I have plenty of ink for this NoBuy year. We'll see! I am still waiting for some Van Dieman's Night ink I ordered from Australia last year after discovering the wonder of shimmer (sparkly) and sheen (duochrome) inks. Just remember, shimmering and sheening inks can clog most pens. I've found TWSBI Eco with a broad or stub nib to be the best, but Robert Oster Fire and Ice ink clogged my stub nib (so pretty and ultra shimmery though--I'll have to seek out one of my dip pens). I also love scented inks, which, in my experience, work well in any good pen. I'd love a scented sample pack...did you read that, Josh? I know; I know. I'm running out of birthday presents. 

Day 7: I did finish reading two stories from Wounds last night. They were quite dark. I liked "The Diabolist." I also read two chapters of The Patchwork Girl of Oz to the boys, so I did a decent amount of reading. For the last couple of days, I've felt lonely and sad in the evenings, but I think part of that is because I haven't been reading enough.

Josh ordered me the beautiful doll for my birthday! I'm thinking of what I will name her. Iris? Emmy? London? I'd love to collect clothes for her eventually. I wish I could sew clothes for her, but I'm much too lazy and impatient to learn. I saw a beautiful white and blue satin coat with sparkly buttons for a Cissy. I'm happy to have this doll to look forward to. In under five months, I'll see her lovely face. 

Josh and Oliver are home today due to winter weather that probably won't come. I'm under my heated blanket with an ice peppermint mocha I made. 

I'm working on the budget for next month. I don't think I'll be able to save much toward a down payment for a car, but I'll save as much as I can. Josh will get a little more testing money from December. We still have to pay for this month's ABA sessions. But I'm hoping Oliver's grant will come through, and the money we have for January tuition can go toward a down payment instead. I want to have a $3,000 down payment. $5,000 would be great, but that's not going to happen.

More Factor mealies! Grilled chicken in a creamy sauce with sun-dried tomatoes, spinach, and zucchini noodles--delicious, definitely my favorite (It's called Sun-Dried Tomato Chicken). Yesterday, I had pork tenderloin with cheesy cabbage (I didn't eat the cabbage because ew) and...you guessed it: green beans. Luckily, Factor knows how to make good green beans, and they're one of my favorite vegetables. Verdict: if you get a good discount, Factor is worthwhile (again, I don't go over about $6 a mealie). I like the Factor mealies better than Freshly (which is also pretty good). I'm trying a couple more heavily-discounted mealie plans in the next few weeks. One of them will actually include some meal kits--am I competent enough to cook something with all the ingredients before me? We'll see. They're two-serving kits, so I'll have leftovers. After that, I'm adding mealie plans to my NoBuy list. I'll learn to make my own. I'm getting lots of good ideas though. I want to try making good steamer bag long green beans with seasoning and slivered almonds--no more canned green beans for a while!

I finished my PPP blue tree journal and began my Paperblanks Valentina journal! It's #217. When I remember, I always write where and when I bought or received a journal inside the back cover. It's fun to see how long I've had a journal waiting and who gave it to me or whom I was with when I bought it. This one was technically a gift from my dad. Thanks, Dad!

Paperblanks journal pages are too thin for fountain pens, so I plan to use a variety of gel pens. I'm no longer sticking to two colors per journal; I'm writing with whatever I feel like using. I'm starting with a Uni ball Signo pen in gold--one I bought at Kinokuniya in New York City. 

My Van Dieman's ink arrived from Australia! They made a mistake with my order and sent two 50 ml bottles of Twilight Mist (indigo shimmer) instead of one TM and one Cherry Blossom Dream. I sent them an E-mail, so we'll see how the customer service is. I also got two 100 ml bottles: Shooting Star (sheening red/blue with gold shimmer) and Aurora Australis (sheening purple/green). I'll probably choose a journal with thicker paper next so I can try out the inks. It's fun to get something now that I ordered last year. Hopefully, they'll just send me that other bottle. I don't want to deal with international return shipping.

I got Oliver a pair of slippers with rubber soles and furry lining. They're perfect for playing in the backyard because he doesn't have to wear socks, and he can just about put the slippers on himself. That's good because he likes to go in and out a lot, which made the shoes-socks-coat routine taxing.

Josh and I put my favorite star sheets on our bed. I love going to bed with new sheets. I read two chapters of Oz 7 to the boys. We only have three chapters left! I may take a break from Oz and finish reading A Swiftly Tilting Planet to them. Both the Oz and Wrinkle in Time series are on my 40 before 40 list. We have a total of eleven books left to read together in the next few years. Whew. I have so many books for myself on that list, and I'm starting to feel I'm running low on time! Eventually, I'd like to read The Chronicles of Narnia to the boys. I just finished the series myself during grad school...which was actually a long time ago. Oh dear. 

Oliver just put on his slippers all by himself! He's making his fourth trip into the backyard. It's cold! We still haven't seen any precipitation though. I'm hoping Josh's parents will still be able to visit tomorrow for his birthday.

Stillness & Attention: Week 2.

Day 1: I made it a week without spending frivolously! And I didn't feel deprived. I did have to find ways to stimulate or soothe myself without browsing Ebay or JetPens. I got to give Josh a new forest green shirt, some ties, and an Art Deco wall calendar for work. Oh, and he actually likes the jeans! 

Today, I've got to get back to good reading. I'm working on Bronte's Mistress, and it's not grabbing me. But I have three overdue library books, and I've got to get through them before I pick up more holds! I have an absurd number of library books out. I tend to return one or two and check out four or five. But it feels like a wonderful luxury, and my library is now fine-free. I have a mint green bin with white polka dots where I keep my library books. It may be overflowing a bit. I also started Shirley Jackson's Life among the Savages, which Bruce and I are reading together.

I haven't had any updates on Oliver's grant. But I'm imagining how we can, perhaps, start a 401k for Josh this fall and maybe open a flex spending account. I'm also imagining trying to save up money for a few years and maybe get back to New York City.... But since Josh's car struggled to start twice last week, a car is probably the first thing we need to consider. 

Stampington sent me a coupon today. I'd love to buy the back issues of Bella Grace I've missed, but I'm not going to do that this year. Besides, I have a lot of magazines to read, and I need to organize the ones I'm going to keep. Another temptation: redecorating our bathroom. Our towels are getting raggedy. But I do still love the bright colors. This year, our only redecorating will be a new chest of drawers (if it works out). 

I love Fresh Sugar Advanced Therapy lip balm, but it's too expensive. I still have a couple of tubes that have balm I can't get to with my nail. So I ordered some mini makeup spatulas so I can use that good two weeks' worth of balm. 

Day 2: Today was a hard day. I didn't feel like shopping, but I didn't feel up to reading either. I did take a shower today, and I'm pretty proud of that. Two more work shirts arrived for Josh: red and violet.

Day 3: Today was better. We're thinking about making some major changes to Oliver's care as we're disenchanted with services. Josh also may be taking a pay cut due to low enrollment. And while his car started tonight, it made some terrible squealing noises. We've already replaced one belt (and the alternator, and the tires, and the battery--can we cut our losses?). 

The college and indeed the county have run out of COVID tests, so Josh is not testing this week (another pay cut). We don't know if or when he will get back to testing as the college is also running out of crisis money. The one good thing about this is that Josh is home more this week. Mondays will be extremely long (6:45 a.m. to 8 p.m.), but today was...still long but not that long. He wore his teal shirt with his purple tie (Hornets colors). I wore a pink sweater with blue sequins.

I didn't spend any money today. My little spatulas came, so I've been digging out the remaining lip balm. I read hard and finished Bronte's Mistress. I didn't love it, but I'm glad I finished it. I hate investing in a book and not finishing it. So I need to get back to The Paris Library. I want to go to the library on Thursday to return books and to pick up holds, so I have a couple of days. I'm thinking I'll just have to return The Uses of Enchantment and check it out again to finish it later. I haven't gotten past Part 1, the first half. It's interesting but repetitive. But again, I've invested a lot of time and effort in the first half, so I want to finish the book at some point.

I got Oliver ready for and into bed successfully (he usually wants Josh) and waited for Josh to get home from his first day of classes. We were relieved to go to bed. We held hands as we fell asleep.

Day 4: Josh and I are seriously considering pulling Oliver out of ABA therapy. In-home sessions have been disappointing; the tech interacts with Oliver for about ten minutes per hour. We pay hundreds of dollars a month for this, and insurance pays thousands. Our BCBA has also not been present. Having someone who isn't family or a close friend in my house (not to mention attending weekly online meetings) is very stressful for me, so the only gain that seems certain right now is anxiety. 

I don't know what happens at school when I'm not there at all. At this point, we think Oliver will be able to do well at school without a tech. He has a teacher and a teacher's assistant, and he is one of only three children in his class. In-school services were only sure through March anyway. It seems like a good time to stop since the tech is quitting. Sending Oliver to the clinic gave Josh and me some time alone together, but now, any sessions outside school will be in-home rather than at the clinic. I'm wondering if we've wasted a lot of time, effort, and money on ABA. In any case, we'd like to cut our losses there too. Those hundreds of dollars a month could go toward getting Josh a car that works.

Josh's lavender dress shirt and two dressy vests (charcoal, light gray pinstripe) arrived. He has one more vest on the way. I thought about ordering another, but we'll see how he likes these. Josh used to wear dressy vests to work all the time, but they all got old and worn. He said vests might make him feel more like himself.

I didn't spend any money today; I hardly even thought about it. Not spending is starting to feel more normal. But because I was anxious and distracted all day, I did almost zero reading--nothing but a submission for the magazine for which I'm a reader. I hope I can cultivate more stillness and attention tomorrow.

I found a tiny blue glittery star in my journal. I don't know how it got there.

Day 5: We decided to discontinue ABA services after all. Oliver's teacher assured me that she thinks he'll do well at school without an RBT. So we've started the day without any guests in our house. The three of us did morning meeting together online, and we completed a worksheet on the letter of the week (M!). Josh even drew Mavis the diesel. When I said, "School time," Oliver came right to the table. I'm hoping we can maintain some good habits he's built. Oliver's sparkly daubers are pretty cool. He prefers stamping the little dots to coloring with crayons. Why shouldn't those dots be sparkly? 

I ordered a few items for school: a Thomas alphabet book, another set of glitter daubers, an extra copy of his favorite book (Good Night North Carolina), and a self-inking name stamp. Oliver doesn't write his name, and that part can take up all the activity time, so he's done some name stamping at school. He does recognize his name on paper. I used Amazon points to get Oliver a couple of extra books, including one by Joyce Wan (as much for me as for him).

Without ABA, we'll save a lot of money each month even if we start going to OT (occupational therapy) more, which we hope to do when Miss Katie returns from maternity leave. We're trying to figure out how we can use those funds to replace Josh's car; hopefully, the savings will cover a car payment and increased insurance. We may try to save up a down payment before we buy. Josh's graduate student loans payments restart in May, so that will be another major expense. We're hoping, though, that if Oliver's grant materializes, we'll stop needing help from family as leftover funds may cover some of Oliver's OT costs. For now, I'm holding onto a month of tuition money in case the grant comes late and we have to pay for January. I'll feel a lot better when I get updates on the grant, and I'll really feel better if I find out we can renew it for next year. It's all a question mark right now. 

We did four shapes worksheets. Oliver was patient and pretty attentive. Josh went to work a little later today because he didn't have testing. He wore his purple shirt, his teal tie, and his charcoal vest. I don't feel like reading. But I'll be upset with myself if I continue to fall behind.

I did get some documents to fill out and sign for NCSEAA! So maybe the grant is happening. I went through color, letter, number, and emotion cards with Oliver. He did really well with colors and numbers. Josh donated blood after work and then went to the grocery store. He only had to get several tide-over items, but they cost $80! I can't believe how expensive groceries have gotten. We use Oliver's disability pay (through me) for groceries, but it may not be enough. 

I didn't read a thing today except for a story for the magazine. What is wrong with me? That's two days without reading. Unacceptable! But I'm trying to be gentle with myself. I guess I won't be going to the library tomorrow. 

Day 6: I still don't feel like reading. At least I also don't feel like spending money. We got through morning meeting online again (one more day!). We have a three-day weekend coming. I look forward to not having to get ready early. Josh's parents are supposed to visit on Saturday. Next week, maybe we'll get back into a regular schedule with school and testing. We'll see. I'm hoping Josh and I will get some alone time, which may be what I value most.

I have a saved search for Madame Alexander Bronte on Ebay, and I got a new result today: a Charlotte Bronte doll with green eyes and auburn curls. She's gorgeous. I can't buy her. And who knows how high the bidding will get? I did pre-order Anna-Marie McLemore's Lake Lore and Francesca Lia Block's House of Hearts, books I simply can't miss, with Amazon points! They come out in March and June.

But I guess it's official: I'm in a reading slump. I hate reading slumps so much, and I definitely didn't expect to be in one during the second week of the year. This is the third day, and I still can't open a book. It's miserable. It makes me wonder if I'm really a reader at all. Reading shouldn't feel like a chore. It should be a thrill, an adventure. I've rarely stayed up late to read another chapter. A lot of the bookworm memes don't apply to me. So what does that mean? 

Well, I did read a couple chapters of Paris Library today, and I read a chapter of The Patchwork Girl of Oz to the boys. I also read a couple more stories for the magazine, so the day wasn't a total reading loss. I thought about stillness and attention and how I could settle my wild mind.

Day 7: Last night, Josh said, "So should I get you that doll for your birthday?" I said, "You can try," so he's trying. I doubt he'll get it; the bidding is pretty intense already with five days left. But I'm happy that Josh wants to get her for me. I remember how happy I was (still am) when I finally got my Jane Eyre doll. The Charlotte Bronte doll would be a perfect companion to her. If Josh does get her, I'll wait until my birthday.

Oliver and I finished his school work for the virtual week, and we all did the last (for now...we hope) online morning meeting. I also ran cards with Oliver throughout the day. He does not like to pay attention. Maybe I should offer him a Skittles reward for finishing a set of cards. He does know the basic shapes well except for rectangle. And he knows colors except for purple. When I say, "It's Mama's favorite color," he remembers. I'm going to try to do at least some cards each day so we can maintain what he does know. 

I read a little more of The Paris Library but decided to go ahead and return it. I can request it again and start from chapter 6 (don't let me forget!). For once, I returned three books and only checked out two! I'm thinking I'll spend some time on graphic novels and poetry to reset and to get back on track. I've finished four books this year, and I should have finished at least four by now. I'll catch up. I will banish the slump.

Continuous Small Treats.

"The secret to a happy life is continuous small treats."

Iris Murdoch

I've always liked this quotation. I even have it on a rubber stamp (alas, without attribution). I came across the quotation in my journal yesterday, and I thought, How do I give myself continuous small treats without spending any money?

So I made a list of ways, most of which are within my current control and possession.

1. Wearing my glittery makeup
2. Wearing clothes with sequins
3. Wearing cute socks
4. Decorating my future journals with stickers
5. Looking at magazines (Bella Grace, BG Cozy, BG Field Guide, Enchanted Living, Real Simple)
6. Writing with my favorite pens
7. Kissing Josh
8. Cuddling under my heated throw
9. Drinking Dr. Pepper
10. Drinking Shirley Temples I make at home
11. Drinking iced peppermint mochas I make at home
12. Checking out (too many) library books
13. Taking bubble baths with philosophy 3-in-1s
14. Reading poems
15. Reading poems aloud
16. Taking Oliver's hand
17. Seeing my boys dress in vibrant colors
18. Listening to Tick, Tick...Boom!
19. Reading about French culture
20. Drinking Strawberry Lemonade Propel Water
21. Eating fruit (black or red grapes, strawberries, oranges)
22. Reading Oliver a little book
23. Looking at art books
24. Reading fairy tales
25. Looking at illustrated fairy tales (I have a decent collection)
26. Burning cinnamon or marshmallow candles
27. Getting a mini massage from Josh
28. Writing in the best journal I have
29. Looking at theatre programs
30. Wearing glitter highlighter even though my mask hides it (I know it's there)
31. Wearing Fresh Sugar tinted lip balm
32. Listening to Tootsie on my bluetooth headphones (from Josh)
33. Getting texts from Bruce (especially those with righteous indignation and incredulity on my behalf)
34. Listening to showtunes in the car
35. Looking at fairy art
36. Watching cat videos
37. Scrolling Facebook
38. Looking at Christian Schloe art
39. Exploring art supplies I already have
40. Remembering to wear perfume
41. Lying still under blankets and thinking
42. Wearing pink
43. Wearing my Ariel jacket
44. Getting reactions to blog posts
45. Looking at displays at the library
46. Placing library holds
47. Making library purchase requests
48. Using cinnamon body wash
49. Hunting for wild violets
50. Opening the blinds
51. Admiring my journal collection
52. Writing from a prompt
53. Organizing my pens or stickers
54. Decorating my planner
55. Coloring squares on my dream boards
56. Replacing scented foaming hand soaps
57. Looking at my Pinterest boards
58. Searching for Pinterest boards
59. Highlighting a completed task with a glitter highlighter
60. Starting a new book
61. Reading a short story
62. Wearing my jewelry
63. Eating a pizza Lunchable
64. Wearing a forgotten shirt or necklace
65. Wearing pinstripes (dress pants, leggings, jeans)
66. Sleeping on fresh sheets
67. Using a fresh towel
68. Writing a new blog post
69. Writing down quotations
70. Really looking at the art in my house
71. Watching lettering videos
72. Writing on black paper
73. Writing with shimmering ink
74. Looking at family photos
75. Listening to my Becky Songs playlist
76. Reading about writing
77. Using rubber stamps
78. Receiving letters
79. Receiving stickers from subscriptions
80. Reading a graphic novel in one sitting
81. Praising myself for tiny accomplishments
82. Sitting outside
83. Saving and recycling empty pens
84. Draining pens (as long as I have more!)
85. Seeing Josh wearing clothes I found for him
86. Seeing Josh wear jeans
87. Writing with glitter markers
88. Cuddling under a cookie monster (a large and fluffy blanket)
89. Looking at flowers at the grocery store
90. Resting against my fluffy pink pillow
91. Sleeping with my blanket under my head
92. Wearing the reading shawl Bruce gave me
93. Playing solitaire
94. Seeing Oliver's art work
95. Going through Oliver's school work on Friday
96. Seeing Pen Squad posts
97. Wearing heels to pick up Oliver at school
98. Curling up in my arm chair
99. Organizing by color
100. Finding unexpected glitter