Stillness & Attention: Week 9.

Day 1: Theatre day! Josh finished his first marathon while Bruce and I were eating soft pretzels and M&Ms at Durham Performing Arts Center. We saw Hadestown. I didn't love it, but I plan on giving the album some attention. Hamilton grew on me after I saw it. We did have a talented cast, including one actor from the Broadway cast and one Tony Award winner. I'll bet the casting call for Orpheus got really narrow: we need someone who can play the guitar and sing really high. The drive to and from Durham is always fun because we listen to Bruce's Broadway Pandora station (which includes a lot of Ben Platt and Idina Menzel) and sing along. 

Josh and I got home around the same time. I sat on the bathroom floor while Josh took a bath with my soothing bath soak. After he fell asleep, I took my own bath with Aromatherapy Passion: Tuberose and Ylang Ylang foam bath, which smelled wonderful.

Day 2: I finished reading Locke & Key 6: Alpha and Omega, which may have been my favorite graphic novel of the series. I've enjoyed the series, and graphic novels have been pulling me through a mild reading slump. I hope I can find plenty more that I like. Once I return some more books, I'll browse the graphic novel section at my library. I'd like to try some YA graphic novels too. I still have the graphic novel Blankets waiting on my shelf. 

Josh and I spent the morning together, and I made whole wheat rotini with tomato sauce and spinach. Mmm. 

We picked up Oliver today, and while we were in the car, I finished reading Peter Pan and Wendy to the boys. That's book 12 for the month and book 24 for the year! I really enjoyed reading it.  

Day 3: I read some more of Best American Poetry 2021, which I've been pecking at for a while. I wanted to finish it today, but reading wasn't easy. Josh and I had the morning together, and he tickled my back until I fell asleep--a rare nap! I went through some of my clothes and freed up 17 hangers. I'll donate the clothes to the college's success closet.

Oliver had a good day at school. We missed Josh, but he only has one more night class! 

Day 4: This is the first day of a new month. March will see the end of winter. I spent a few minutes in the backyard today, finding tiny clumps of wild violets, my favorite flower. I love the leaves that look like unfurling hearts. 

I finished my Punch Studio Romantic Love Stories journal today and started a Novel Journal: Anne of Green Gables. Novel journals are high quality, and every line is a line of the book's text.

I'm writing today with a pink Pentel Sparkle Pop pen. Actually, I've drained three of them today.

I have had a hard time reading today, but I did start reading The Girl Who Drank the Moon to the boys. We read the first three chapters, and it's a lovely book already. It won the Newberry! It will be a good addition to my children's lit winter. Late this month, I'll switch focus to young adult lit for spring. I also made egg salad today, one of my favorites, which Josh luckily likes too. 

Day 5: I slept until 6:30 today while Josh went to the gym. He had an appointment with his doctor, and we went to Academy Sports for running shorts and got groceries. I bought some caprese chicken sausage to try with pasta. They're fully cooked, and they steam in their package.

Josh and I went to The Habit Grill after all that, and I got avocado all over my dress. So it's now in the washer. It's in the upper 70s today, and I'm hot. Spring is coming, and I already feel like I have allergies surfacing. My chest is tight, so I may be using my inhaler today. Josh picked up some ten prescriptions for us. Our family takes a lot of meds. 

I've been writing with Krazy Pop pens today: gold with green glitter and green with red glitter. I've now emptied 60 pens this year. I just have to get back to reading. I long for cuddles. Tomorrow, I'll be on my own all day. I'm spoiled. I'm also spoiled because today I ate a French cheesecake parfait while soaking in a bubble bath.

Day 6: I received a glorious E-mail today: "Your disability date has been updated in your 2022-2023 renewal for ESA+. We need nothing further from you at this time." !!!! The status no longer says "ineligible;" it says "accepted"! I won't feel completely at ease until the money is at the school, but it looks like Oliver's financial aid for next year is safe. This is especially encouraging today because our taxes payment went through, and our account is quite bare. But we will recover! We have a little money from family to get us through until my disability payment arrives in a couple of weeks.

This has also been a good day so far because I have tackled my reading slump. Josh is at work, and Oliver is at school, so I made a goal to read for two hours straight. I set my timer for 2 1/2 hours so that I'd have a chance to make and eat some pasta salad (tricolor rotini, fancy shredded Mozzarella, chopped cucumber, zesty Italian dressing, and mini pepperoni [for mine]). I did it! I think I read for more than two hours. 

I finished So Far So Good: Final Poems by Ursula K. Le Guin. I have an odd relationship with Le Guin. I loved her Steering the Craft in grad school, but Bruce and I read her selected stories, The Real and the Unreal, and neither of us really cared for it. I decided to try out her poetry when I saw the book at the library. I'm not crazy about it, but I did write down a few great lines in my "Quotations and Magic Words" composition book. Based on all this, I will probably not read more of Le Guin's fiction or poetry, but I do want to read her Words Are My Matter. I'll place a hold on that once I catch up with my library books.

So I've finished my first book of the month! That brings me to 25 for the year. I'm a quarter of the way there! According to Goodreads, I'm nine books ahead of schedule. Whew. My reading slumps have not defeated me!

I also started and read 75 pages of The Year of Less by Cait Flanders, which seems appropriate. It's not one of my overdue books (yet), but it's what I felt like reading. And reading something other than what I planned is much better than not reading at all. I'm guessing now that reading a page worth of text takes me about a minute and 45 seconds if it's not very challenging. I wish that were more like one minute per page. Still, I was able to be still (though I was following the sunlight around the room) and pay attention for sustained reading. I plan on trying for one-hour stretches on weekdays except on Thursdays, when I can do two hours. This eliminates most distractions.

I'm more than two months into NoBuy2022. Yesterday, I was very tempted to buy an E-book. It was $2.99. But I didn't buy it! Peter Pauper Press has new journals, some of which I saw at Barnes and Noble last weekend. But I'll soon have Amazon points for a journal or two. In general, though, not spending has gotten easier. I don't browse when I'm bored or think about new pretty things when I'm down. I don't feel entitled to get everything I want, and I don't go looking for things to want. One of the hardest moments was when my pretty green crystal bead anklet broke last week, and I knew I couldn't replace it. But I'll get another anklet next year.

I finished listening to Hadestown while I got ready. I am getting attached to a few songs: "Wedding Song," "Wait for Me," and "Promises." I returned two books to the library!

Day 7: This morning, I had snuggle times with Josh and took a rare nap. I felt good all day. When Josh went to work, I set my timer for two hours, and I nearly finished The Year of Less in that time. So I seem to take two hours to read 100 typical pages of text. A 400-page book requires an eight-hour commitment. I wish I were quicker, but I'm just not. I may never be. But this helps me be more realistic about what I can read and reminds me that a book had better be worth the time investment.

I've been writing with a light blue metallic TUL pen. These are very temperamental and only write on high-quality paper. They write decently in a Novel Journal, but Peter Pauper Press gives the best results I've seen. I wish they were more functional because some of the colors are so unique: rose gold, champagne, and gunmetal. I've drained 65 pens this year!

In the evening, I went to Bruce and Corey's and watched Nightmare Alley with them. I love del Toro, and the cast was incredible. The movie was quite dark (del Toro's film noire, so yes) but good. I want to watch movies more often. I marked today as joyful.

Dress Challenge: Day 11-20.

Day 11 & Day 12: I started the second ten days of my challenge. But these were pajama days.

Day 13: I wore my dress with a short-sleeved purple cardigan with sequin stripes, a Betsey Johnson fairy and crown necklace, and black Poetic License kitten heels. I wore Urban Decay's Naked Ultraviolet eye shadow--one of my favorite palettes. 

Day 14: Today, I wore my dress with a short-sleeved mint green cardigan, a blue and green Betsey Johnson ocean necklace (which Josh gave me for our 16th anniversary), and green glitter shoes. I wore Makeup by Mario glitter eye shadow.

Now, I will show you one of my favorite things: my collection of glitter shoes! I've been wearing glitter shoes for a good 12 years, first Big Buddha (not so durable), then Keds by Kate Spade (great but tight), and then Feversole (loose, many colors) and Irregular Choice (the seahorse ones!). I still have space for two more pair, so maybe I'll fill those next year.

Day 15: I wore my dress with a cornflower blue short-sleeved cardigan, Betsey Johnson mismatch fairy earrings, and light blue glitter shoes. I did "ice eyes" (pale shadow with pale liner) with a blue eye crayon and Marc Jacobs Highliner in Obeyge. 

Day 16: Today, I wore my dress with my Betsey Johnson pink crown necklace and magenta/multi-color glitter shoes. It was too hot for a cardigan!

Day 17: Theatre day! I wore my dress with black sweater tights, a chunky forest green cardigan, my Betsey Johnson peacock necklace,

and my Irregular Choice trellis heels with green sequins and gray rosettes. I wore Anna Sui trio eye shadow with Urban Decay Cosmic Speed black eyeliner.

Day 18: Today was cold and gloomy. I wore a glacier green long-sleeved tee under my dress with black tights, black flats with criss-cross straps, a gold seahorse necklace with multi-color rhinestones, my black sequin duster (to sparkle away some of the gloom), and Stila's Happy Hour palette eye shadow in silver and purple.

Day 19: We had another day of February temperatures though the sun was shining. I wore a lavender mock neck under my dress with black tights, lavender flats, 

and a Betsey Johnson silver snowflake necklace with pearls and purple rhinestones. I love snowflakes all year. I used Revolution's Fortune Seeker eye shadow palette.

Day 20: Today, I wore black stripe tights, a light peachy pink cardigan, pink flats, and my pink Betsey Johnson key necklace. I didn't end up going anywhere today, but I was officially dressed for day 20. 

Stillness & Attention: Week 8.

Day 1: "Read a thousand books and your words will flow like a river." ~Virginia Woolf

That's what I'm trying to do. I'm at 854 books now. 

Josh's mom came to visit us. She brought Hornets apparel, thermal shirts, a beautiful shark quilt, lavender bath items, a tan Denik journal with white floral embroidery, Till We Have Faces, and Marmee & Louisa (which NPR called one of the top ten books of the year!). I hope to read the books soon; I've been wanting to try more biographies. Susan usually buys us books from our GoodReads want-to-read lists, but Josh still isn't reading. 

I finished reading chapters 2 and 3 of Peter Pan and Wendy to the boys this evening. 

Day 2: I'm writing with the last Crayola Take Note pen, this one purple with blue glitter. I wrote a poem called "Intro to Lit." It's my ninth poem this month! I'm hoping to have a new collection manuscript at the end of the year. Josh has already given me a title--a line from the first poem I wrote this month.

I finished Locke & Key 4 today, Keys to the Kingdom. I made another purchase request with the library. And I submitted a flash fiction story and a microfiction story to an anthology contest! Now, I'm writing with a purple Whaline Outliner, which is just like Gelly Roll Silver Shadow, but it doesn't bleed through the paper and it comes in more colors. Two good friends got me sets of these. They're a favorite. Amazon isn't selling them at this moment, but I'm keeping them on my NoBuy2022 list. 

I'm several poems into Best American Poetry 2021. I'd like to finish the book next week. Reading poems definitely sparks my writing poems. The book I requested is Ama Codjoe's chapbook--I'm savoring her poem in BAP.

Day 3: I'm writing with a Pentel Krazy Pop pen, dark blue with gold glitter. Krazy Pops and Sparkle Pops are some of the best pens, and this pen is one of my favorites. 

Oliver is home for Presidents Day. He just had a smallish meltdown; he threw his tablet (twice, after which I put it away) and the dust vac. But he seems to be calming down. He keeps asking for an episode of Elmo's World, but when I play it, it's apparently not right. I'm not sure he understands "This is all we have." In the past, his meltdowns often included tearing items off the walls, breaking glass, throwing the TV, hitting, and screaming. So this is mild. I'm thankful for that. 

He's now back to playing with his favorite thing: sheet protectors. We discovered this entirely by accident. In our old apartment (where we lived for eight years), Oliver used to shred magazines. We let him do it because it mostly stopped his ripping up books. But it was a terrible mess, and we were always having to find more magazines. We decided that we would not do all that in our townhome. I collect stickers, and I'd just gotten a new pack of sheet protectors to organize them in a binder. I accidentally tore open the package and sent sheet protectors flying everywhere in the guest room. Oliver picked one up, and it was love. Most of the time at home, he has one. He looks through it, feels the corners, tosses and chases it, and swirls it. When he's not playing with them, he takes them back to the guest room, where I've set up a green polka dot bin to hold them. Now, I can have magazines sitting out safely. He often has a sheet protector at school too during breaks. What an odd and excellent discovery.

Josh works late today, so I feel a little lonely. Last night, I went back to A Heart So Fierce and Broken. A Loving Spirit isn't grabbing my attention, so I may read it some other time. I do want to read all of du Maurier's stories and novels. I have four holds waiting at the library, so I need to get these books back. I have more due on March 1. I'll get as far as I can. 

"She loved Thomas dearly, but she knew in her soul there was something waiting for her greater than this love for Thomas. Something strong and primitive, lit with everlasting beauty."

~Daphne du Maurier, The Loving Spirit 12

I like this sentence, but it's not how I feel. Having a child was and is something of an adventure, and I know both grief and joy await me. But I don't feel as if I'm waiting for something bigger than my love for Josh. I just wish I could make him happier. He's in the depression trenches. Being the partner of a severely depressed person feels awfully hopeless. I know I can't fix it for him, and I have no idea what to do.

Day 4: I finished reading A Heart So Fierce and Broken. It only took me a couple of days! Now, I'm eager to read the last book in the series. I want to read three more books this week so I can reach ten books for the month.

I still feel weird about Oliver's teachers, but I think I've done all I can. I called the office to confirm that the re-enrollment papers I sent arrived; they did. I still haven't heard anything new from NCSEAA. 

Day 5: Today, I'm writing with another Krazy Pop pen, pink with blue glitter. Unfortunately, this has been a depressed day. I read a couple more Peter Pan and Wendy chapters to the boys. I got a note from Oliver's teachers about his bringing in 100 items for the 100th day of school. Of course, I stressed over this and didn't know if the items ought to be edible. I found 100 paperclips (blue, lavender, purple, silver swirl) and E-mailed his teacher. She said paperclips were fine, and she thanked me for the classroom gifts I sent (they went to her old address, which was on the wish list, so she didn't get them until today). She said, "We appreciate you beyond belief and love having Oliver in our class!" So that made me feel better. 

Day 6: I spoke to my psychiatrist this morning and told him that the higher dose does seem to be helping. I haven't had major irritability, and my mood has been less erratic. 

I've been setting up my March janner. I've added purple and blue stickers, and I've finished making all the dream boards for the month. 

I've decided that one of my 50 before 50 goals will be to read at least ten Shirley Jackson Award winners. At the moment, I don't have any overdue library books. That won't last. But I read two graphic novels today: The Impending Blindness of Billie Scott and Shortcomings. 

After weeks of listening to Tick, Tick...BOOM! in the car, I've switched back to the Dear Evan Hansen deluxe album. I also listened to some of Sunday in the Park with George while I got ready. I don't know enough Sondheim. 

Day 7: Josh had to work this morning, so we didn't get our time together. But his afternoon meeting did get canceled, so he came home early. I read Locke & Key 5: Clockworks. That brings me to ten books for the month and 22 for the year!

I packed for Oliver. We picked him up and drove him to Rockingham (with a necessary stop at Arby's; oh the craving) to meet my mother. She's keeping him for the weekend because Josh has a marathon tomorrow and I have a show. Oliver was happy to go as usual. I read two more chapters of Peter Pan and Wendy to the boys in the car. I still may be able to finish it this month. 

Josh decided he needed to go ahead and drive to Wilmington tonight, so this is my first night alone in 10+ years. I took a bubble bath, read some poems, scribbled.

I've now avoided frivolous spending for eight weeks! I have far less compulsion to browse, and my desire for new pretty things has abated a lot. I can do this.

Dress Challenge: Days 1-10.

Day 1: I started my challenge today. I wore my dress with black tights, green boots, a Valentine's Day cardigan with pink and red stripes, and Betsey Johnson key cluster earrings. I'll want to wear my boots often. 

For makeup, I wore ColourPop Flutter By eye shadow palette and Marc Jacobs Highliner in Brown(Out). The Highliners appear to be discontinued, which is a bummer. They're great eye liners that don't require sharpening. 

I've found that this dress attracts wrinkles and lint. I'll need to find a lint roller. I spent the evening at Bruce's, so I probably picked up some dog hair.

Day 2: Today, I wore my dress with black tights, a navy scallop open cardigan, navy flats with pink glitter hearts, and Betsey Johnson princess mismatched earrings. The weather has been getting so warm that I may be thinking about short-sleeved cardigans. I bought the flats at Gap long ago; I'd forgotten about them. I love anything with hearts. I wore NARS eye shadow duo in Kauai--gold and iridescent purple, Urban Decay black eyeliner in Cosmic Speed, and Urban Decay Game of Thrones lip stain (which I'd also forgotten). One of my major motivations is that I want to make these rediscoveries. 

I remember dressing my Madame Alexander Anne of Green Gables doll when I was eight. I dressed Anne in black tights with navy shoes. My mom told me that black and navy didn't match; what a bummer. I always remembered that, but now, it's apparently totally cool to wear black and navy together. Today is the first time I've really done it. 

Day 3-Day 5: Pajama days! Yes, I'm lucky.

Day 6: I wore a pink turtleneck under my dress with black tights, pink criss-cross strap flats, and my Betsey Johnson pink snowflake and bow necklace. I like the turtleneck-under-dress look, but I don't know if we'll get any more cool days. I wore eye shadow from the Sephora/Disney Ariel palette.

Day 7: Today, I didn't wear tights or a cardigan because it's 68 degrees, which currently feels like summer. I wore the lock and key necklace Josh gave me for our anniversary, a pair of light blue Mary Janes, and shadow from the Fenty Kilowatt Foil palette. If it stays too warm to wear cardigans, I'll have a lot less variety in my outfits! I need to find my short-sleeved cardigans. Tomorrow is supposed to get up to 78!

Day 8: I wore my dress with a short-sleeved pale yellow cardigan (the only yellow article of clothing I own) and my layered Loft pearl and chain necklace. During my first semester of teaching, I broke a strand of pearls on this necklace. I restrung it into two strands.

And I wore one of my favorite pair of heels. These are from Irregular Choice. IC is amazing; watch for sales. I actually bought these on sale through Modcloth. They're called "Cinderella's Choice," which of course made them irresistible. The heels, which are a little challenging, are white glitter. I wore these to the dentist last year because my dentist and her assistants love shoes.

Day 9: Pajama and cleaning day...also dress-washing day. We'll see how it fares!

Day 10: I hung my dress to dry yesterday, and while it's still a lint magnet, it did just fine after a gentle wash. Today, I'm wearing it with ribbed black tights, my green boots, my Banana Republic key necklace (such an amazing find), and a forest green open cardigan. I'm wearing Urban Decay Game of Thrones eye shadow and Wunder2 metallic forest green eyeliner. Ten days done!

Stillness & Attention: Week 7.

Day 1: I haven't felt well today, and my mood has been anxious. I did take a much-needed, soothing bubble bath, using up my Winterberry Wonder gel. I also lay down and read Ruby Slippers, Golden Tears while Josh took Oliver to the park. While there, Oliver greeted a boy he recognized from ABA and even responded to a fist bump. He also said bye without prompting. Maybe he's growing socially. 

I did write a poem today: "Cleaning," which may become part of the collection of poems I'm writing about raising Oliver.

Day 2: I had a hard time going to sleep last night, but I did read more. So far, my favorite story in the book is "The Beast" by Tanith Lee--kind of a mix of Beauty and the Beast and Bluebeard. It's always fun to read Joyce Carol Oates stories in anthologies like this. She does it all. I read her journals years ago as research for the seminar I taught during my MFA graduating residency. Her stories are much darker than the thoughts she records! I'd like to read more journals. I've always meant to read May Sarton's journals. The best book I've read about journaling is The Hidden Writer by Alexandra Johnson. I should read it again.

This morning, I'm looking at the art of Christian Schloe. I have a couple of her prints; I'd have more if I had wall space! She's my newest favorite artist. Other favorites are Kinuko Y. Craft, Amy Brown, Mary Blair, Stephen Mackey, Molly Harrison, and SARK. And I do still love Lisa Frank.

I've read fourteen books this year. I'd like to be further along, but it's okay; I'm still three books ahead of schedule according to Goodreads. This is my seventh week without spending frivolous money. This week, Josh and I will celebrate Valentine's Day and our fifteenth wedding anniversary. One of his classes won't meet on Monday (Valentine's), so we may get to spend the whole school day together. We'll spend the morning of our anniversary together too. I've given him a couple of presents, including a map-drawing activity set and a doodle book by the Strange Planet artist. Josh showed me some of his drawings this morning. He's another of my favorite artists. 

Today, I finished reading A Swiftly Tilting Planet to the boys. I started reading Many Waters but switched to Peter Pan and Wendy, which I want to read before my winter children's lit focus ends.

Day 3: Valentine's Day. Josh and I don't usually celebrate the holiday since our wedding anniversary is just a couple of days later. But this year, Josh took part of the day off so we could spend time together while Oliver was at school. Josh also gave me the beautiful BENU Wild Rose fountain pen (and some sparkly pink ink)!

The pen is matte light pink and translucent hot pink with fine gold glitter, gold glitter leaf, and red glitter hearts. It's the prettiest pen I have.

Sparkling ink doesn't work out in most fountain pens, so I gave my new pen a Levenger ink cartridge: Shiraz, a burgundy ink that Levenger no longer makes.

I also received a special package today from one of my closest childhood friends, Leah. She sent Prisma Color pencils and a bunch of pens from my NoBuy2022 list! Gifts that support my writing are especially meaningful to me. A friend from Borders also sent me some pens a couple of months ago to get me started on writing through this NoBuy year. 

In case you're wondering, these are Prisma Color Scholar pencils (a less expensive version), Pentel Krazy Pops, Crayola Take Note iridescents, Gelly Roll Stardusts, and Whaline Outliners. 

Day 4: Today was not a good day. I hope tomorrow is better. It looks like Oliver will not get aid for next year, so we'll have to make some difficult decisions. Apparently we were supposed to have Valentines for the whole school yesterday, but I never received the E-mail about it. I've been missing weekly E-mails. It seems to be a big deal (we got shamed this morning), so I wrote an apology to the principal and Oliver's teacher. I'll be making late Valentines tomorrow. I also got busted for the way I pick up Oliver, so I just can't do anything right. After two weeks of E-mailing NCSEAA and an afternoon on the phone with three different people, I'm no closer to getting Oliver financial aid for next year. 

I did finally finish and return Ruby Slippers, Golden Tears. I found some new authors to read, and I may read more of the anthology series (this is book 3). I started Daphne du Maurier's The Loving Spirit, but I haven't gotten far. Stories for the magazine are coming in quickly; I read three today, and I still have three left. I took a peach marshmallow bubble bath.

Day 5: Today is our 15th wedding anniversary. Josh picked up a cinnamon roll and a Dr. Pepper from McDonalds. He gave me a blue rhinestone and faux pearl lock and key necklace. For lunch, I made whole wheat pasta with asparagus, sweet peppers, and Alfredo sauce.

I made the Valentines--I cut out and wrote on 36 cardstock hearts, helped Oliver stamp his name on each, and attached Starbursts. I also wrote to Oliver's teachers, and Josh picked up Starbucks gift cards. And I ordered some items on the teacher's classroom wish list. And I picked Oliver up correctly today. But I have a feeling it's not adequate. Josh says I get fatalistic when I'm overwrought. I received no response to my apology. I'm not in a much better mood than I was yesterday; this is likely to be depressed day #2. I wish I felt better on this special day. 

Also, my TWSBI stub nib clogged with Electric Pink ink, so I had to drain and flush it. All the other Diamine inks have been fine; I don't know what's different about this one. Now, I'm trying Pink Glitz ink.

After two more calls to NCSEAA, I may have gotten the help I need. We'll see if he's awarded. 

I have those three magazine stories to read today, so I'm not going to get far with my other books. It's 4:14 p.m., and I'm ready to go to bed. I won't have time with Josh tomorrow. 

Day 6: I got some early morning cuddles with Josh before Oliver woke up, so the day started well. I read two more magazine stories last night, and I have two left to read today. 

I've been writing with a Crayola Take Note teal-with-blue-glitter pen (from Leah) and a green/blue glitter Sparkle Pop pen. I drained them both. I finally caught up with the magazine stories! That's always a good feeling. Today has turned out to be hopeful. I've read a chunk of The Daily Mirror and the first chapter of Locke & Key 4.

I figured out that the school entered my E-mail address with a typo, so somebody got those letters, but I didn't. I gave them my simpler address. I hope the word spreads. Oliver has great freckles, but everyone knows that.

Day 7: Today, I've already drained a Crayola Take Note iridescent pen--hot pink with light pink glitter--from the package Leah sent me. 

Now, I'm writing with a Gelly Roll Stardust Rose Star pen. I've been cleaning, something that I don't do as often as I should (Josh is more attached to neatness than I am). I finished listening to the London cast album of the musical Amelie while I cleaned the bathroom. Now, I have laundry going, and I'm making some semblance of order with my chair/ottoman nest--books, pens, magazines, notebooks.... I repurposed a rubbery blue bucket as a catch-all for Oliver's school supplies: crayons, markers, daubers, scissors, glue, pencils, and name stamp. Now, everything is put away in a cabinet but will be easy to take out for virtual weeks.

I think I may be on the way up. I was cleaning a door earlier, which usually only happens when I'm manic. But it's a happy up so far--not an anxious or irritable up. I hope it will stay that way. Sometimes, I get manic when I have something coming up, like a challenge or a social event. It's like my brain is trying to prepare and strengthen me...it just doesn't always work out well. But mania has allowed me to do a lot of great things that I might never have done otherwise. I remember writing a proposal for a science fiction class while in the white heat of mania. My medications really keep it in check most of the time, but I definitely still have mood cycles. 

I wrote a poem today! It's called "My Glinda," and it's for Bruce. As I'm reading David Lehman, I want to write more poems that are contemporary and specific with allusions. I wish I could write poems about New York City as he does. I'd have to spend some more time there, which I do hope I'll be able to do. If I had unlimited funds, I'd certainly want to live there for a year. I'd go to the theatre weekly instead of monthly (and monthly still feels pretty amazing). I did write in a slim Paperblanks journal while I was there. I'll always cherish the memories of that trip, which my parents and stepparents made possible. And of course, Josh was my perfect traveling companion. 

I told Josh that my wallet was starting to fall apart after several years, so he ordered me a new wallet! It came today, and it's perfect!

Theatre! Cats! This is from Vendula London. Josh transferred the little key charm that he's put on each of my wallets. It came from a wallet my mom gave me a couple of decades ago. I've gotten so many presents this week! I'm currently working on my mom's birthday present for next month.

I just wrote another poem called "Sheen." David Lehman includes so many specific people, songs, streets, and more in his poems, so I played with that.

We ordered Carrabbas for dinner, with enough leftover for tomorrow. We're celebrating a special week, and I'm in my best mood. I had a chicken Caesar salad--their Caesars are so good. Josh had spaghetti and Italian salad. We had to save most of the bread for later. Oliver was not interested; he prefers Pizza CheezIts and bananafers (vanilla wafers). We stopped fighting him on food once he was out of a belted booster seat at the table. It's no longer easy to trap him with pre-selected food in front of him. Discipline is different when your child doesn't really understand cause and consequence.

I did finish The Daily Mirror! And I wrote yet another poem, this one called "Vacation." I'm pretty close to being caught up now on writing daily poems. I'm going to call this day joyful. It could also be passionate, but joyful is rarer. 

Stillness & Attention: Week 6.

Day 1: Yesterday, I did take that shower, and I read two stories for the magazine. Josh and I washed and changed our star sheets--fresh sheets are always a treat. I even remembered to put on Rose Water and Ivy lotion.  

My Conklin Endura abalone gunmetal pen, a gorgeous piece, clogged with Herbin violet-scented ink. I had to flush it. I'd never known scented inks to clog pens, but this pen must be fragile. I'll only use standard Levenger ink in it from now on. My parents first bought me Levenger ink when I was a teenager. I still have the original bottle of Amethyst. Today, I'm writing with Diamine Happy Holidays ink, which arrived yesterday. I'm disappointed; it's really just navy ink with no sheen and a little gold shimmer. I've wanted all the Diamine Inkvent inks, but a lot of them are unremarkable blues. Still, the next ink I buy will be Diamine Inkvent Blue Peppermint, which is a refreshing turquoise.

I'm drinking a homemade Shirley Temple in a DPAC cup with a rainbow metal straw. Josh cleans a lot of reusable straws for me. I just read three poems from David Lehman's (yes, the Best American Poetry series editor!) The Daily Mirror, a journal in poetry. I was thinking about how I'd like to write a poem each day and how surely some of them would be good. I'd end up with a lot more good poems than I have now anyway. And so I wrote a poem called "Scrub." It has a line that Josh said would be a good book title. Maybe I'll write a collection around that line. 

I got a little depressed last night and didn't do much reading. I've decided to let Fire go; I'm not in the mood for it, and I can check out the E-book again when I have more bookspace in my life. I guess I'd call it a young adult book, so it will go with spring. This morning, I read chapter 7 of Swiftly Tilting Planet to the boys while Josh lifted weights on his green yoga mat in the living room. It was a shorter chapter, so I may start chapter 8 today. Reading L'Engle aloud is getting easier. I loved her four memoirs (The Crosswicks Journals) starting with Circle of Quiet. That book and Wintering by Katherine May are deeply comforting books. 

I sent Circle of Quiet and Wintering to a dear relative who is going through a rough season. I hope the books comfort her as they have comforted me. I also sent My Heart Is a Chainsaw to my brother--not at all comforting but very good. My DREAM boards usually include sending a gift to someone. Last month, I bought a two-year Bella Grace Field Guide to Everyday Magic subscription for another relative who needs a treat, but that won't start arriving until April. In the meantime, I'll write letters. 

My Amazon points arrived! I got three Diamine inks: that Inkvent Blue Peppermint (turquoise green with silver shimmer), Mystique (deep plum with gold shimmer), and Pink Glitz (hot pink with gold shimmer). Next month, I'll get that Paperblanks grande journal. Amazon points let me have a little fun each month according to my rules. I'll take those inks off my NoBuy2022 List, which still includes a lot of books I'm going to try to get from the library. I just did a purchase request for Anatomy: A Love Story, a YA novel by Dana Schwartz.

I made a lot of fried rice with broccoli, green beans (not very authentic, but I didn't have much on hand), and edamame (with shrimp for me). That should feed us for a couple of days. It's one of the few meals I know how to make, and I still take shortcuts (boil-in-a-bag brown rice, steamer bag vegetables), but I feel pretty domestic. Hopefully, Josh will like it. So I did that instead of walking while Josh took Oliver to the park. It was a bit of an arm workout though.

My mood is good today. I've been able to read some of The Paper Palace. I started some more laundry. I put away two loads yesterday...trying not to let clothes take over our bedroom as they sometimes do. Josh has been cleaning. He never complains about chores, and he's ever beating back the dust.

I'm so thankful that I've kept a detailed journal for so long. I was having a lot of anxiety, and I was able to fact check something in my journal. I found it easily, almost 100 journals back. I trust my journal more than my memory. 

My tiny fairy lights arrived! Josh and I strung them around the window. A tiny remote changes the color--white, yellow, red, green, light blue, dark blue, multi. I think I'll turn on the light blue tonight. They won't light up our room like the Christmas tree did--just a glistening. I look forward to looking at the lights from bed. Maybe Oliver won't demand that we turn them off if he wakes up (as he did with the tree). He slept through the night again last night and didn't even wet the bed.

Day 2: Oliver slept through the night again! Now, he's asleep again in our room. He allowed the fairy lights to stay on though he looked at them with great suspicion.

This morning, I'm writing with Van Dieman's Night Twilight Mist ink. This is the ink of which I ended up with two bottles. I don't mind--it's lovely, deep violet with pink shimmer. It's now my current favorite ink.

I wrote a poem! It's not a particularly good one, but it's called "Chafing." I'm going to try to write a poem every day. I'll type this one up even though it's mediocre. Josh liked it. I'm thinking about that new collection I'm building. Maybe I'll have it written by the end of the year. If I write a poem every day, I should be able to write and revise enough good ones. My first poetry collection was some sixteen years in the making. It shouldn't take me that long.

I hope to get a kitten someday. We're not allowed pets at this house, and not having pets has some advantages. I'd like a black kitten; I'd name her Specter. Just one cat. Maybe Oliver would bond with her. 

At the moment, Josh is out on a 20-mile run, and Oliver is still sleeping. The house is silent but for the sigh of the heat. I'm under my heated throw, polishing off a Dr. Pepper. I've been reading poems from The Daily Mirror. Lehman doesn't use punctuation, so I tried using less in today's poem--it works with the urgent tone.

I've written five letters today, two of them thank-you cards for generous gifts my step-family sent to help with Oliver's expenses. I also replaced all the empty Wallflowers in the house--Holiday, Sweet Pea, Sweet Cinnamon Pumpkin, Fresh Fallen Snow. I never tire of cinnamon. I don't know if my Wallflower stock will last through the year. I'll be sure to save some candles for the holiday season. 

When she visited early this week, my mom brought me a Wendy doll. It was accidentally especially appropriate because my poem "Wendy" has just been published. The doll has frosty lips, auburn curls, and a glittery nightgown.

I finished The Paper Palace! So that's one book for the month and 13 for the year. I'm still on track. It was a good book but pretty rough in content. Next up, Mexican Gothic. I read The Beautiful Ones recently, and I'll probably read more Silvia Moreno Garcia. I looked at the blurbs from other authors and added several books to my list. I attended a Gothic fiction seminar and considered taking a class. I would like to try to write Gothic fiction. My only Gothic-ish story is "Her Pearl-Handled Knife."

Day 3: Oliver is back at school and happy about it. I'm writing with my pink marble Moonman fountain pen with a bent nib, using Herbin rose-scented ink. Lovely.

Josh and I spent the morning together. He napped while I scribbled, and we cuddled. I ate Ramen with green beans and boiled egg--pretty good. Josh is at work now, 12-8. I'll miss him. Oliver and I will be on our own. Josh and I aren't often apart for that long.

I just filled one of my TWSBI Ecos with Aurora Australis ink from Van Dieman's Night collection, a shimmering grape juice purple with a hint of green sheen.

Day 4: I'm writing with Van Dieman's Night Shooting Star ink, blue with red sheen and gold shimmer. I've decided I'm not in love with sheening ink--it's not very impressive. I prefer shimmer.

Josh and I spent another morning together. He will start testing again on Thursday afternoons. I wrote a poem called "Lodged." It's nothing amazing, but it is a poem! I also caught up on reading for the magazine.

Day 5: Josh and I took Oliver to school together and got groceries this morning. I bought frozen chicken and whole wheat pasta. I got ranch dressing, cheese Alfredo sauce, seasoned salt, and cinnamon. I have three servings of chicken thawing in the fridge. I'll bake them tomorrow. 

Josh and I had more time together, and I'm so grateful for that. We had Caesar salad for lunch before he went to work. I had an episode of high blood pressure with a headache and dizziness. This is the second afternoon that's happened. I don't know why, but I'm better now.

I'm still in a reading slump though I have been reading to the boys (we're on chapter 9 of 12 in Swiftly Tilting Planet) and reading a few poems each day. I did not realize how much Madeleine L'Engle wrote! I've only read A Wrinkle in Time, Wind in the Door, The Joys of Love, and the four Crosswick Journals. I may try to read her other series and her poetry. I have a book of her short stories, which I bought at a little bookstore in Southern Pines.

A lot of books are due tomorrow, and I will not be taking them back. I have a lot of catching up to do. I did write a poem called "Cash," which about what I bought in New York City. Again, it's not special, but this is my fourth day of writing a daily poem!

Oliver slept through the night again, and he may actually attend school for a full week! Masks are becoming optional in public schools soon, so we may see a surge of COVID again. Josh is home now and writing to me in a letter journal we share. 

Today, I wore pastels--lavender, pale pink, and glacial green with a matching necklace I've had for years. I like rediscovering fun jewelry I bought back when I was teaching. Tomorrow, I may start that 40 Day Dress Challenge, mostly just to see if I can do it. I'll miss my jeans. But Josh likes my wearing dresses. Maybe he won't really notice that it's the same dress every day.

I like this photo of the shoes I left in the living room yesterday:

(Keds, New Balance, and Irregular Choice)

I also wrote today with Diamine Magical Forest ink, which is green with great shimmer that looks multi-colored.

Day 6: I've been deep in Mexican Gothic today. I came out of it long enough to bake chicken and make whole wheat pasta with spinach and broccoli. So I have a few mealies ready for Josh and myself.

"...but then she tended toward opulence. Besides, she wanted to defy the gloom around her."

~Silvia Moreno-Garcia, Mexican Gothic 37

I love this--defying the gloom. That's the motivation with which I started this blog eleven years ago--to defy the gloom in the world, in my family, and especially in myself. I finished the book just before I got ready to go pick up Oliver from school. Tonight, I'll go see Bruce and Corey. We might finish this season of American Horror Story. I'd like to start the second season of Locke & Key next week. I also have so many movies I want to watch. 

No spoilers here, but a bit close to the end of MG sums up what I've been trying to do most of my life:

"She must practice, she thought. It was all practice. She'd learn to live without worry, without fears, without any darkness chasing after her."

~Silvia Moreno-Garcia, Mexican Gothic 298

I continue to practice.

I'm writing today with Diamine's shimmer Cobalt Jazz.

Day 7: I'm racing to finish another book on which someone has placed a hold. I try not to keep books late if someone is waiting. This one is due tomorrow: Ruby Slippers, Golden Tears, an anthology of adult fantasy, mostly contemporary fairy tales. So I have two days to read twenty-one tales. I'd like to get to know current fantasy writers; some of these authors were in the Once upon a Time anthology I read last year. But these tales actually aren't so current--they're from the 1990s, which, alas, was a long time ago. I've gotten to see some of my poetry in fantasy magazines Sounds of the Night (sensual stuff) and Illumen (speculative poetry) as well as Cover of Darkness (horror). I'd like to write more fairy tales.

I forgot to write a poem yesterday, but I did read poems. I'll get back on track today. I finished my Papier journal and started a new Punch Studio journal also suited to February. 

I've been writing with my new Diamine Inkvent shimmer ink in Blue Peppermint, which is now one of my favorite inks. It's a lovely turquoise with blue shimmer. 

I'm now dressed in stone blue pajama shorts and top, ready for the weekend with my boys.

100 (or 40) Day Dress Challenge. Why Not?

I said I would only pursue two goals (NoBuy and 100 books) in 2022, but I'm thinking about adding another. 

The dress is wrinkled, and we definitely need to buy a new dresser/chest (it's on the possibility list for this summer).

Have you heard of the Wool& 100 Day Dress Challenge? I've read a few articles about it, including this one. Emma Beddington from The Guardian did a 40-day (Lent-ish) version. What's the appeal? For some people, it's about sustainability. For others, it's about minimalism. One of the big messages is quality over quantity. Could I wear the same dress for 100 days? I think I could. I could definitely wear it for 40 days, so I'll start there.

I don't have a super nice dress to wear for the challenge, so I'm going simple: a solid black cotton swing tank dress similar to this. It works when it's warm (slip-on glitter shoes) or cold (cardigan, tights). I can dress it up for going to the theatre or down for picking up Oliver from school. Since this dress is from Old Navy and I think I paid $20 for it, it is possible that it will fall apart. So my challenge is this:

Wear the same dress for 40-100 days or until the dress is unwearable. 

I may be surprised as Old Navy will sometimes carry a great piece. I will miss the dress if it falls apart, but Old Navy usually has a version of it, so I can buy another next year. Part of the appeal for me is that I want to enjoy my collections of shoes, jewelry, and makeup. While it's cool, I can also use my several jackets and my many cardigans. I even have several short-sleeved cardigans that will work when it's warmer. That's part of what NoBuy2022 is about for me--less acquisition, more enjoyment. The possibilities of this dress are endless. It'll be like playing with a paper doll, and I love paper dolls. And I can post about the experience every 10 days or so. I may even post some photos as I used to do.

Apparently, people really don't notice that you're wearing the same thing every day. And if they do, they find it interesting. I'll count the days when I don't really get dressed (some weekends are shower-and-put-on-clean-pajamas days), and I'll plan to wash the dress once a week unless it gets dirty. I'll remember to hang the dress up after I wear it. I may even hang it outside. I don't usually sweat much, so I should be fine, and I have Febreze. Maybe this will also tone down any sneaking vanity?

I'm not starting now because I have some sweaters on my DREAM boards, but I may start next week. What do you think?